by Linnea Valle
“I was wondering where we go from here.” I figured honesty and straightforwardness was the best route. We had a terrible track record with those two in the past. I didn’t plan on repeating those mistakes.
“I can tell you one thing, I’ll be moving to town, probably next week.” Emma was completely shocked and it showed. I’d have been amused if I wasn’t disheartened by it. I needed her to want me here.
“I figure I’ll take a couple of days, go see mom and dad again. I need to go visit Sarah and then grab my belongings and move them to town. I don’t have much, so I’ll probably have to either buy furniture or find a furnished place.” The idea made me wince.
“You’re willing to move here because of the kids?” Emma questioned.
“No, not just for the kids, Emma. I plan on winning you back too. It’s gonna take some time, so I might as well get comfortable here.” I gave her a cheeky grin, but it was the truth. If she wouldn’t take me back, I pitied any man who might try to date her. Because I sure as fuck wouldn’t make his life easy.
“Oh, oh!” Emma was practically jumping up and down with excitement.
“What?” I laughed at her.
“I know the perfect place for you! It’s furnished and it’s close to us, plus the rent is cheap!” She was trying to sell me on a place she knew of, but I wasn’t picky. I was sold the minute she said it was close to them.
“Wow, this might be a whole lot easier than I thought. Do you know the landlord? I could call today and set up a time to go look at it.” I asked, I got a little excited at the prospect. Plus, Emma wasn’t shutting me out and that was a big deal.
Emma’s eyes twinkled and I saw mischievous glints as her excited grin morphed into a crooked little smile.
“Actually, I know her quite well and I’m betting she’ll want to get you moved in ASAP. She’s gonna…” Emma leaned closer and lowered her voice so the kids didn’t hear what she was about to say, “Want to get in those pants of yours. I already know it.” She pulled back and gave me an innocent, wide-eyed look. But there was something more. I saw the old Emma, the playful imp was back.
“Emma, you’d let me rent from…”
“I’m talking about you renting Sarah’s room this summer.” she interrupted me. “She’s not here for the whole summer and you can help me with Trin and Tommy. I might even make you cook for me occasionally. It would work out perfect, Zach. You’d have a place, I’d have help and Sarah can finally stop paying the stupid rent she refuses to quit sending, even though she’s not living there.” That was a lot to argue with. I was going to need some time to think about the idea.
“Done!” I told her and stuck my hand out to shake on the deal. Thinking was fucking overrated, and anyway, she said she wanted in my pants. Jesus Christ, how would I have been able to say no? I wasn’t a damned idiot. Plus, I would have the time to get to know my children and be with them every day. I hoped Emma didn’t end up regretting her offer. This had been the best day I could remember in a very long time.
After lunch, Emma and I went back to the apartment and put the kids down. Then we discussed the practicalities of me moving in. It was more than I could have hoped for two days ago when I showed up on her doorstep. Especially after she’d refused to even talk to me on the phone. Life had a funny way of throwing you a curveball when you least expected it.
The move made sense for me and it helped Emma out. Twins were exhausting and I wasn’t sure how she had managed to stay in school, except for the help of Sarah and my parents. Damn! I was proud of her. She was a lot stronger woman than she realized.
The next day, I checked out at the hotel and then went over to Emma’s to say goodbye, for the time being.
“Hi!” I greeted as she swung the door open and turned quickly. Both the kids were in their gated play area, bawling and screaming at the top of their lungs and Emma was distracted and looked a bit frustrated.
“Come on in, see what you’re really getting yourself into.” She said looking back at me as she walked to the play area.
I came in and arrived at the same time she got back to the kids. The apartment wasn’t tiny, but my long, quick strides ate up the distance.
“What’s wrong, are they okay, are they sick? Do they need to see a doctor?” I asked too fast for her to respond. I bent down and picked up Trinity and gave Tommy a grin and patted him on the back. I started to pace and bounce Trinity while I talked into her ear. I turned and looked pointedly at Emma. Asked with a glance as to why they were crying.
“I don’t think they’re sick, but they may be teething. They were up most of the night and when one was asleep the other one was awake. They tag-teamed me all night long.” She said and I could hear the exhaustion in her voice.
“I was going to say goodbye and head out to see mom and dad, but I’ll stay an extra day. Help you out today. Maybe you could get in a nap if I am able to keep them calmed down.” Tommy was in her arms and both kids had settled down some but were still whiny.
“No, you go. You’ve got stuff you need to take care of.” Emma sighed with a huff of breath. Resigned in having to dealing with the lack of sleep and two grumpy babies.
“Emma, look at me,” I instructed her and she turned to face me. “Nothing is more important than you, Trinity and Tommy.” I would put my trip off. “I’ll check back into the hotel for another night or two. No problem.”
“Well, shit, Zach,” Emma blurted out. It was uncharacteristic of her. I hadn’t heard her cuss in front of the kids. I stared at her, trying to read her mind, without success, I might add.
“Em, you’re beat, the kids are settling down a little. Let me take over for a while and you see if you can go sleep. I’ve got them.”
She yawned, probably from the simple suggestion of sleep. She blinked at me a couple of times, like I was a puzzle she couldn’t figure out.
“Why?” She asked so quietly, I almost missed it over Trinity’s whimpering.
“What? Why? How can you even ask me that, Emma? Haven’t I made myself perfectly clear yet? I. Love. You. I love our children. I’m always going to be here for all three of you. You have no idea how finally admitting to myself I love you and then finding out about the kids has affected me. This has been all good for me. I haven’t had a purpose since Eddie died. I had no hope or a reason to live, and hadn’t felt anything for so long. This has been like turning on the lights after being in a pitch-black room. I see what I have, and I’m NOT letting it go…EVER!”
Emma drew in a long, deep breath, I wasn’t sure if she was going to argue with me or not, but then she let the breath back out. She walked toward me with Tommy, who was playing with her hair and handed him over to me.
“You might as well move your stuff in tonight. No sense in going back to the hotel. Plus, we can take shifts if the kids are up tonight. That’s what Sarah and I used to do.” She looked tired and a little defeated as she reached up and gave each of the kids a kiss on the cheek, then a swift kiss to my lips.
“Thank you,” she said, and gave me a small smile. Emma turned and headed down the hall to her bedroom while I stood juggling the toddlers.
Zach
I stayed another two days. I slept in Sarah’s bed, as I’d promised I would despite Emma swearing she sleeps better when I’m in her bed. Frankly, I didn’t think either of us would have slept a lot. The sexual tension between us was crackling.
I was about to combust and I’d admit to jerking off in the shower to the thought of Emma lying in her bed one room away, but I still thought it was too soon. I wanted to earn it this time. But when it happened, and I had no doubt it would, there will be fucking fireworks going off.
It turned out the twins had a little sniffle and were running low grade fevers, probably from the damned children’s museum. I knew we shouldn’t have let them touch everything. Emma laughed at my railings.
I headed out after the babies were feeling better. First stop was mom and dad’s. We hashed out a lot. And by hashed out I will a
dmit to some yelling and pointing fingers. I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t mad at them for denying me my children for a year.
“Mom, Dad, what exactly were you guys thinking?” I yelled at them the first night. “You deprived me of memories with my kids. Moments I’ll never get back,” I was fuming. I didn’t let on to Emma how upset I was at everyone for keeping this information from me, but it fucking pissed me off now the shock had worn off.
Dad spoke up first, posturing himself between me and my mom. “Zach, you were in no frame of mind to be a dad to those two. You couldn’t get your head straight. We love you, son, but you’re an adult, and they’re children. We had to think of them first.” Dad tried to explain all of this to me calmly. And in my rational mind, I knew they were right, because, hell, I was messed up. I went from total denial to thinking a kind nurse could make me feel something. Then drinking myself into a bottle and being suicidal. All before I was ready to crawl out of my stupor and get help.
“Not the point, Dad. It should have been my decision about how much interaction I had with them.” I was trying to be reasonable, but still frustrated.
“No!” My mother said firmly as she circled around my dad and came directly in front of me. “You were no good for Emma or the babies with the state you were in, and it wasn’t your choice. It wasn’t our choice, it was Emma’s. And we respected her decision.”
My usually quiet and petite mom was animated. She was in my face and pushing her finger into my chest every so often to make sure I was getting the point she was making.
“But Mom, can’t you see where I’m coming from on this? You, of all people should understand.”
“What I understand is we love Emma, we love Trinity and Tommy and we love you. Even Eddie knew you’d be a shitty father or no father at all back then.” Her words were like a slap in the face. I’d heard my mom cuss before, but not much and she usually had to be extremely mad to push her far enough.
“Even Eddie?” I asked, deflating. “Even Eddie,” I stated with resignation. They were all right. I would have been there with child support, but emotionally or physically, I wouldn’t have been there. I’d like to think knowing would have given me a reason to sober up or to seek help, but I was too mired in my own memories, my nightmares and numbing the pain with booze to have done right by Emma and the twins.
Afterwards, we sat down and talked more and I had to agree with them, they honestly did do what was best for the kids. I was glad they were there for Emma, helping and being supportive.
I stayed for two days before I called Sarah and went to see her.
She was a little less forgiving of my transgressions against Emma and the babies than Mom and Dad or even Emma. But, I finally convinced her I was in it for the long haul. Then we had to talk about Eddie. Unlike Emma, Sarah did not want me to go into any details about the day he died.
“Tell me what he was like on a day-to-day basis. I can’t handle the rest.” She sat, wringing her hands.
“Well, I know he was absolutely fucking crazy for you, Sarah. He talked about you constantly. Even more than he talked about Emma, but I now know the reason.” I covered her hands and tried to give her some of the strength I’d regained. “You know, it’s hard on all of us.” I let her know we were all suffering and she wasn’t alone.
“Maybe it will make you feel better to talk to a grief counselor,” I suggested. But she shook her head in the negative.
“It hurts too much, Zach.”
“I know it does, hon. I know it does. Did you know his last thoughts were of you? He wanted me to tell you he loved you and he was sorry.”
She looked up at me, tears brimming in her eyes. One slid down her cheek when she blinked. I reached up and wiped it away. My heart was breaking watching her wounds reopening.
“You know he was gonna marry you. I’m not telling you this to make it hurt worse, I’m telling you this so you’ll know how cherished you were and you were Eddie’s one and only.” I tried to make her understand nothing would take away the love they shared. “Don’t lose sight of the fact that you need to grieve, you need to heal, but you also need to move forward in whatever way you’re capable of doing.” I wiped another of her tears.
“Eddie would not want you to be suffering like this and he would want you to find happiness in this life if he couldn’t be here. Don’t give up on life, Sarah. I almost made the same mistake myself. Surrendering your life won’t bring Eddie back and it would only hurt more people. I didn’t even know the extent of that. But don’t ever give up or think your life isn’t worth living because it’s without Eddie. Let him go, Sarah.” I pulled her into my arms when she started crying, and I let her cry.
When she finally pulled away, she looked slightly embarrassed.
“Don’t feel bad for baring your soul-wrenching pain to me. This is what Eddie would have wanted me to do, be here for you and Emma. Goddammit that is one promise I’ll honor till the day I die. I’ve been through this pain. Fuck, I’m still there sometimes. But, I’ve finally figured out how to live with it and not let it consume me. You need to find a way too. Promise me, Sarah.”
I held her at arm’s length and made her promise me. I gave her my cell phone number and told her I was only a phone call away and anything she needed or wanted to talk about, I would be there for her.
When we parted, I thought I saw a little bit of the old spark in her eyes. The Sarah I knew a lifetime ago. Physically, she looked completely different. She’d changed her hair and lost a lot of weight. She wasn’t wearing any make up today, but my hope was she’d find her way. It was good she had the support of her family right now. As close as Emma and Sarah were, I wondered if they didn’t feed off each other’s pain, keeping the wounds fresh when they were together.
We hugged as I got ready to leave and she promised to come to town in the next few weeks to see the kids and Emma. Also, I suspected, to check up on me. Make sure I was toeing the line.
My last stop was back in Maryland. I had made an appointment with Dr. Mooney and I was going to an AA meeting tonight. I’d stay a day or two, make sure everything was in order with my separation from the Army. I also had another doctor’s appointment. That should be one of the last ones for a while. I was hoping to get a relatively clean bill of health and was glad I had gotten the okay to start running at my last check up. I’d gone through too much physically to fuck it all up now.
Finally, I packed my few belongings into a couple of large duffels and loaded my car. Before I left the city, I had a couple of stops to make, but they shouldn’t take long. After all, I wanted to bring something home for my kids. I hadn’t bought them anything nor had I contributed at all to their support. Something I would be rectifying as soon as I got back “home.”
Emma
Zach had been gone for a week now. The kids asked for him the very first day. He had texted me multiple times every day and called in the evening, right before the kids’ bedtime so he could say good night to them. He messaged me little things, like where he was or what he was doing. He’d ask what we were doing or just send a funny picture. One time, he sent a recording of what I think must have been a song playing on the radio because I was pretty sure he was in his car. It was Like I’m Gonna Lose You by Jasmine Thompson. That was it, no voice message and no text.
Frankly, it was way more than I’d expected. It wasn’t like I didn’t believe him when he said he was committed to us and wanted to earn my trust back, but I didn’t expect him to be quite so attentive while he was gone. I knew he was busy and had a lot of things to do for this move.
I talked with Sarah almost every day after Zach left and she sounded like she was doing better once she had talked to him. I knew I was too. I still cried at night and at times I had an incredible heaviness weighing me down. I didn’t know if I’d ever get to that place where I was completely okay. But for the first time in a long time I was looking forward to the future.
Zach brought me hope. I made up my mind I wasn’t going to
waste a single day. I was going to appreciate what I’d been given and stop dwelling on what was taken away.
Zach was returning and I had to admit I was excited to see him. The kids were too. When he pulled into the parking lot, we were out on the complex’s lawn area waiting for him. Trinity and Tommy had recently gotten up from their naps and were raring to go. I was thinking, they’d be giving Zach a run for his money.
He parked and popped out of the car as fast as I’d ever seen done. God, his car brought back memories, good and not so good. Eddie, Zach, and I had practically lived in that car. Those were some bittersweet memories.
Zach took us to and from school every day, dropped us off at work after school. We took drives to the lake where we’d play and splash around and sun ourselves until the sun went down. I lost my virginity and got pregnant in that very same car. Then there was the night Eddie told me he was being deployed.
It was odd to think I’d only had sex a handful of times and all of them were with Zach. The thought made me ache. I longed to have him touch me again. I’d made sure he knew I was thinking about it, but I knew he was trying to show restraint while I learned to “trust again” as he said.
Zach spotted us on the blanket on the lawn and dropped his duffels before he even got halfway to us. He was dressed comfortably as it was a warm day. He looked good, relaxed, and refreshed. He was all smiles. Fuck, his smile could melt anyone’s panties right off. I’d been on the receiving end of his incredible mouth, and the thought sends my libido into overdrive.
He’d better not turn me down for much longer or I might start to wonder if things were working okay. Although, I was almost certain they were since I felt him hard against me more than once and I heard him in the shower before he left. He thought he was quiet, but no, just no. He was definitely not quiet, and, it wasn’t weird I listened. Okay, maybe it was a little weird. I did use my vibrator a few times while he was gone this last week. I needed him. I wanted him. There was no denying that.