Across The River

by Jeanie P Johnson

  In truth, I knew that unborn child was a piece of Wolf. The kind of piece that Wolf never offered me. Someone I could love and know would love me back. In spite of the horrors of what would happen when people discovered I had a half-breed for a child, it was one way to cling to the part of my relationship with Wolf that gave me comfort. There were times I thought that Wolf loved me but just wouldn’t admit it. Only now, I would never know. I was sure he had left with the rest of his people, and I would merely be a small part of his memory, once he married We-lung-ung-si, the woman his mother had mentioned he was to marry. He may not even give me a second thought. To him, I would always be the slave who wouldn’t give him children to replace the members of his tribe who had died at the enemy’s hand. At least he wouldn’t have to give me to Running Dog. The thought angered me, and I started thinking of all the reasons I should hate Wolf.

  Now I began knitting little sweaters and hats for the baby, and tiny foot coverings. I made gowns out of my father’s shirts and cut up old sheets to use as padding to wrap between the baby’s legs. The thought of raising a child, reminded me of my mother and I wondered if I could love that child the way my mother had loved me? I wished my father was there to make a cradle for the baby, only then I realized my father would not be happy to have an Indian as a grandchild. It was just as well he and my mother were not there to witness it, I told myself. Instead, I pulled a drawer out of my brother’s dresser and made it into a bed that I could hang on a rope from the rafters so I could rock it. The drawer had been crafted by my father’s hand and it was the closest he could come to making a cradle for my baby.

  I realized I was not going to kill the baby after all. In fact, I was looking forward to having it, even though the prospects of eliminating it from my body frightened me. I would be having it in the dead of the winter, and even if there had been anyone to come to my assistance, there was no way they could make it there through the snow. I would have to face the dilemma on my own, I told myself bravely, only I didn’t feel very brave. I knew nothing about having babies. I had never witnessed anyone having a baby. The only person I knew who was expecting a child was my aunt, and she was killed before she had a chance to have her second child. I wondered if dying was preferable to going through the fear of bringing a child into the world?

  However, the decision to keep the child would sentence me to a life of disapproval and being ostracized by others. I would be an outcast and even if I wished to marry someday, that option would be taken from me. Was I ready to face a life of being shunned by others, not to mention the way my child would be treated? It dawned on me that many woman captives who refused to leave their new Indian families, once they were rescued by their true families, had the same future to face. The Indians accepted half-breeds and whites into their tribe and treated them as their own. White people could not see beyond the color of the red man’s skin and their hatred for the Indians. They would never accept an Indian as their equal.

  The life of the Indian was free from so many restrictions that white people put upon their own societies. No wonder captives chose the Indian life to that of their past when they were given the chance to return to their own people.

  Although in war, and when taking captives, the Indians were brutal and bloodthirsty, in a village setting they were peaceful. They did not steal from each other. Murder within the tribe would bring about banishment. Children were never punished for misdeeds, but merely reasoned with and taught a higher standard to live by. They believed in the mystic and using their God to direct their paths by having vision quests. I thought of the story about the beginning of the Earth and how they were to strive to live in peace, at least among themselves, I thought. They cleansed their body and mind by spending time in sweat lodges and fasting to bring themselves closer to their God. Their lives were free, and even Wolf had the choice to keep me or give me away, and no one would question his decision.

  Although Wolf’s mother reasoned with him and gave him advice, all his choices were his own. However, the very thought made me sad, because he had told his mother he was planning to give me to Running Dog. He never once told me whether he liked me or not. He merely bragged to his friends that I liked him and enjoyed his treatment of me. He said I wanted to give him children. Now I wondered if I did? I knew I already was about to bring a child into this world that belonged to him. Would I want to have any more of his children, had I remained with him?

  These questions were hard to answer because my future looked so bleak, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Martin had insisted in spite of my time spent with the Indians, he still wished to marry me. Would I be throwing that future opportunity away by deciding to keep Wolf’s baby? Would keeping the child make my life better or worse? I wasn’t sure. I just knew that tiny being growing inside of me was the only person in the world who would love me unconditionally. That was the kind of love I was craving at the moment. I pushed all other thoughts aside.

  The days grew shorter, and the nights became colder. I had to burn more wood to keep the house warm. It was harder for me to carry wood in as my body became cumbersome with the new life that seemed to double in size with each week. In spite of that, I felt full of energy and my spirits were high. I had gained weight and was feeling healthy. I felt like the little one inside of me was healthy too. I was happy that Martin was no longer coming by because it was impossible to hide that which could not be hidden, no matter how full of a skirt I wore. I was wearing my mother’s dresses and letting out the waist so they would fit me. I had a whole drawer of clothes I had fashioned for the new arrival. I couldn’t wait until my time came so it would all be behind me and I could make new plans for my future.

  It was a bleak November day. The sky had been overcast all day, threatening to either rain or snow. The wind had picked up and it caused a loose shutter to flap back and forth, banging against the wall of the house. It was a steady knocking and I was contemplating whether I should go outside and secure it or not? I could hear the wind whistling down the chimney, causing the fire to flicker and then burn brighter. Smoke would be forced into the room from time to time so I cracked a window in order to create a draft to keep the smoke from being pushed down the chimney into the room. As I stood at the window, I thought I heard a horse neighing. I didn’t own a horse, and the thought came to me that maybe Martin had come to check on me. It was upsetting me because I knew the moment he saw me, he would know about my condition.

  I grabbed a long winter cloak off of a hook by the door and threw it around my shoulders to conceal my body, just as the door was pushed open. I was standing in the kitchen, and it reminded me of when the Indians had barged into the house. I could not hold back the scream that escaped my lips when the wind, accompanied with new flecks of snow, blew through the room. Then, I saw him standing there, gazing about the room, his wide, desperate eyes landing on me. I could hear the intake of his breath when he saw me. I started to tremble. It wasn’t Martin standing there, It was Wolf!

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  We stood, merely staring at each other, neither of us saying a word. I clutched the cloak closer around my body. I didn’t want Wolf to see I was carrying a child. He would know it was his. Slowly, he turned and closed the door, then walked up to where I was standing speechless and frightened.

  “Why have you left me?” he asked at last in his own language.

  He knew I understood his language so I couldn’t pretend like I didn’t know what he was saying. I shrugged and responded in his own language as well.

  “Why should you care? You were going to give me to Running Dog,” I hissed, gaining my confidence and acting braver than I actually felt.

  That answer seemed to take him off guard, and he blinked and then said in a low voice, “I would never have given you to Running Dog.”

  “Why are you here?” I asked, changing the subject. “I thought your tribe was leaving the area?”

  “I could not leave. I had to see you first. I knew you would go back to your home. At fir
st, I was angry you had left. I would have hunted you down, only my mother said it was best if I followed through with my promise to marry We-lung-ung-si since we would have to leave and build a new village and looking for you would take too long. There was no time to try and bring you back, she told me. So I went on a vision quest to ask the Great Spirit if I should let you go while I marry We-lung-ung-si instead. Only my thoughts were filled with your face alone. I couldn’t focus on my vision quest. It seemed like the Great Spirit was telling me you were the one I must be with. I had to have you back again so I came to find you.”

  “Why would you want me?” I asked. “You thought I was barren and was going to let Running Dog have me!”

  “I told my mother that so she wouldn’t keep questioning me about getting married. If you had become filled with my child, I could have requested to marry you instead.”

  “Why would you wish to marry me instead? You don’t even like me!” I accused.

  Wolf reached out and took a strand of my hair between his fingers.

  “The flame of your hair burns my heart!” he muttered. “At first you were my captive. I was to bring you to the tribe to take the place of the ones we had lost by the white man’s hand. It was the custom. We would adopt you and you would become one of us. As we traveled I knew you were the one I wanted, only I had already been promised to We-lung-ung-si. Once I brought you to our village, and they adopted you, I would be expected to leave my village to marry We-lung-ung-si. I would never see you again! The only way I could keep you was as my slave. You could stay my slave forever, never to be one of the tribe, even if I did marry someone else. Only I wanted you for more than a slave. I thought if you had my child, I could take you as my wife and ask my tribe to adopt you. If they adopted you first, you would be your own person. You would then be free to choose another to marry because I was already promised. I did not want to see you choose another, so I kept you, even against my mother’s wishes. She was upset with me. She told me to let you go so we could adopt you into the tribe. I wouldn’t listen. I wanted you for myself!”

  “Only you treated me so cruel!” I complained. “After you kissed me in the stream that day, you turned from me! I can’t believe what you say!”

  “I knew I was starting to love you. If you became my slave, it would show weakness to treat you kindly. Slaves are an object one owns and uses. A member of our tribe must be honored as our equal. At first, I was ashamed of wanting you for my wife instead of one of my own people. I tried to fall out of love with you, by trying to ignore you, only I couldn’t! When we got to my village, I knew I had to make you have my baby. Then you could become my wife. Now, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if you have my baby. It is you I need. I broke tradition and shamed myself by not marrying the one I was promised to. Now no mother will offer me their daughter in marriage. When my people left, I could not, in good conscience, go with them. I had to find you and beg you to forgive me for how I had treated you. I know I frightened you. I know I shamed you. If you turn from me, I will understand. If you can forgive me, you could come back to my tribe and they will adopt you. Then you can become my wife.”

  “I can’t come with you, Wolf,” I said quietly. “One reason is this is my home. The other reason is I am in no condition to travel.”

  I opened my cloak and revealed my condition. When Wolf saw me, he did not seem to know how to respond. Then, he fell to his knees and touched my bulging stomach with his large palm. He turned his head and laid his ear against me, just as I felt the baby moving. I could tell he could feel it too. His eyes widened.

  “You carry my child?” he asked in somewhat wonder. “You are not barren? Why did you not tell me?”

  Suddenly he frowned and rose to his feet.

  “Why did you keep this from me?” he demanded.

  “Because you had told your mother you planned to give me to Running Dog. I was angry! I thought all you wanted was to use me for making babies! You told your friends as much! I hated you for how you were treating me!”

  Wolf stepped back, his face fallen. The excitement had left his eyes.

  “Do you still hate me?” he asked a little hesitantly.

  “I don’t know,” I said truthfully. “I never expected you to come look for me, so it didn’t matter anymore, I guess.”

  “It does matter!” he insisted. “I have loved you always and you were hating me. I was willing to go against custom to keep you and marry you!”

  “Only you never told me! You never once showed any indication of liking me, let alone loving me! The only time I thought you loved me was when you kissed me, that one time in the stream. If you wanted me to marry you so bad, why did you treat me as if I didn’t matter to you?”

  “I did love you, only you made me crazy. I did not know what to do. In the beginning, you did not speak my language. I could not lose you, yet I could not have you the way I wished to have you. Had you told me about the baby I could have insisted I be given permission to marry you! Now I can’t show my face in my own tribe unless you willingly become my wife!”

  “Well, that makes two of us!” I said with some satisfaction. “If anyone discovers I am having an Indian’s baby, they will have nothing to do with me,” I spat. “If I marry you, they would shun me even more! They may even chase me out of my own home! Your people have brutalized my people!”

  We stood there staring at each other, not knowing what to say. Then, before I realized it, Wolf stepped forward and folded me into his arms.

  “Let me stay with you. Be my woman and I will care for you!” he begged. “I need to have you near me!”

  “I can’t do that,” I mumbled. “When winter is over, Martin will come to check on me. He is in the military. He will arrest you since your people have agreed to leave. You will be breaking the treaty by remaining here!”

  “Then after the child is born, come with me and join my people. I will beg for forgiveness and when they see you have given birth to my child, and want to become my wife, they will welcome me back!”

  “By then, winter will be upon us. There would be no way to travel with an infant. Besides, what makes you believe I would marry you anyway? I do not wish to leave the home my father built for his family. The family you killed!”

  “I had no choice! The French demanded we rid them of the English so they could take the land. They promised our people they could remain on our land if we helped them in their war. They paid us for every English scalp we took, to show how many English we had killed! I was only doing as I was expected to do to help my tribe. Now that the English have the land, we are forced to leave.”

  “Only my family and our friends were not soldiers or warriors. They were innocent people just trying to survive, the same as you! You tortured and killed them! Your braves raped my aunt, who was carrying her own child and then scalped her alive before killing her! You are savages! Why should I choose to be with the man who killed my family and friends?”

  “You think your soldiers have not raped our women? Your soldiers have also killed innocent children and women of my own tribe. They have pushed us out of our land which was rightfully ours before they ever came here. They brought their white disease that caused many of my people to die! You judge me as though your people are innocent. They are as savage as we are when it comes to taking land and fighting for what they believe in.”

  I stood shaking in his arms. In a way, he was right. We were the ones who had come to claim land the Indians were living on first. I was torn! I didn’t know what to think or how to argue against Wolf’s reasoning. Only I wasn’t prepared to leave my parent’s home behind where the memories of my childhood remained, regardless of how I felt about Wolf. I didn’t know if I wanted to become one of his people, even if they did accept me as one of them. I didn’t even know how I felt about Wolf. I couldn’t answer. There was still time to decide I told myself. I barely knew Wolf, even if I was carrying his child. Only I had to admit, having his arms around me gave me comfort. I would have to w
ait and see, I told myself, trying to do the practical thing instead of following my confused heart. I was afraid to follow my heart. What did my heart know anyway?

  Wolf stood there for a long time, just holding me, running his fingers through my hair, whispering things I wasn’t certain I understood. I just knew my loneliness was about to end. Martin would not come in the middle of winter. Wolf would be there, not only to help me but to give me support when the time came to give birth. I didn’t want to go through that alone I realized, and after all, Wolf was the father of my child.

  Eventually, I broke out of his embrace.

  “I’ll fix you something to eat,” I told him, feeling unsure of myself.

  I didn’t know how to act around him. In the beginning, I was his captive and then his slave. Now I wasn’t sure what our relationship was supposed to be, but this was my home and I decided I needed to take charge and show him he was in my environment now. I would not allow him to treat me like a slave, a captive, or a lover. He would have to earn my friendship first, I told myself firmly. In the back of my mind, I could not forget he had been the one to kill my family and keep their scalps, regardless of his explanation. I wondered what he had done with their scalps, but I was afraid to ask. Maybe he had given them to the French to prove he had killed the English.

  Wolf sat at the table and watched as I went about fixing the meal. He seemed surprised there was anything left in the house to eat. I told him about the food in the cellar, and how Martin brought me things to add to my supply. I told him if he planned to stay, he had better put his horse in the barn. I could see from the kitchen window that it was starting to snow harder. He rose from the table and went out the door. I let my breath escape from my lips in a long sigh. I was excited and frightened at the same time. At least I had company and someone to help me over the winter, I told myself to calm my racing heart. I did not want to think beyond that point. Hearing him tell me he loved me made him seem more human to me, yet I didn’t know if I could trust his love. After all, he was a savage. He may go back on his word, once I agreed to join him. He could keep me as his slave again, and marry We-lung-ung-si after all, I worried.