Across The River

by Jeanie P Johnson

  “Martin only wants to pull you from me. I see how he looks at you! He is not my friend. He can not tell me how to dress!”

  “So you are refusing to do this for me?” I ask, staring daggers at him in his unreasonableness.

  Wolf sat for a long moment just glaring at me. He didn’t answer me. Instead, he finally rose from the table and went and picked up an empty flour sack from a pile I was turning into dishtowels, and went to the cupboards, grabbing food and other supplies and stashing them in the sack.

  “What are you doing?” I wailed, trying to understand what had gotten into Wolf.

  “I am preparing for a journey,” he said evenly. “I am going back to my people!”

  “What? You are just going to leave me? You are going to leave your son?”

  “What is here for me? You are not happy with who I am. Your friends are not my friends. You lose face just by being with me. Others hate you for choosing an Indian. I should have never left my own people. I should have married the woman I was promised to and forgotten about you!”

  He turned and gave me a long appraising stare, which made me shiver.

  “I cannot be a white man. You do not wish to be a Lenape. How can happiness grow when we are so opposite to each other?”

  “You are leaving because I ask you to put on some clothes?” I cried.

  “It is not just about putting on white man’s clothes. Martin never wanted me here. He will find others ways to put you against me. This will not be the first thing you will demand of me because of him. He will turn us into enemies. It is a future I do not wish to face.”

  “So you are just going to give up? You are just going to go back to your people and forget about your love for me, or my love for you, or our son’s happiness?”

  “It will be better if I leave. I will make peace with my tribe and…”

  “…and marry someone else other than me?” I wailed.

  He didn’t answer. He merely went upstairs and collected his few belongings while I watched helplessly as he walked from the house, out to his horse, tying his supplies onto his Indian saddle. I couldn’t believe he was being so unreasonable, willing to walk away, rather than put on a shirt and trousers! He was just using this as an excuse, I told myself. It had nothing to do with wearing clothes. It had to do with the fact that he no longer loved me, only he had left his people and committed himself to me and little Ben and felt obligated to keep his word. Now, suddenly, he had a good excuse to forget about his commitment so he could go back to his old ways, living with his own kind again. Remaining half naked if he pleased. He was probably happy Martin had given him a good excuse to leave me and go back to his Indian way of life.

  I could feel my heart sinking, as the tears choked my throat. It had only been his pride that motivated him to come find me since I had boldly escaped from him for the third time. He said he loved me but I didn’t think Indians knew the meaning of love or how to express it. I had told myself not to fall in love with Wolf. Why hadn’t I listened to my own warnings?

  I watched powerlessly as Wolf swung up on his horse, sitting stoically as though he didn’t possess any emotions. Maybe he didn’t, I thought in despair. Perhaps Indians didn’t have emotions or a conscience. How could they? They murdered and tortured one moment, and then expected their captive to willingly become their woman. I had never understood Wolf, and I understood him even less now.

  He didn’t even look at me as he nudged his horse forward and then kicked it into a gallop, tossing up sod in his wake. Once he was completely out of sight, I turned and ran up the stairs to my bed. I went to my own room, not the one I had shared with Wolf. I did not want to discover the smell of him on our bed to remind me that he had never loved me. It had been lust after all. He just wanted me and thought he could talk me into going back to his tribe with him, but as usual, he wanted me on his own terms. It was like losing my family all over again, and it was Wolf’s fault back then and his fault now that I would be all alone.

  I dissolved into tears believing that once again God had forsaken me. I would never find true happiness. I couldn’t trust my heart to know who to love, I decided. Not after this! What had ever possessed me to want a wild Indian as a husband? I just couldn’t get Wolf out of my head, though. He would remain there forever in all his many moods, never quite becoming someone I could count on or even understand. In the past, I was the one trying to escape him. Now he wished to escape me. The tables were turned and I did not like the feelings that came with it. There was no way I would chase after him the way he chased after me when I left. I realized I couldn’t even do it if I wanted to.

  I was sure my nightmares would return, now that Wolf was gone from my life. I had managed to tamp them down when he was there holding me securely in his arms. The future looked bleak once more. My life had been changed yet another time because of Wolf. I would never feel safe to believe in hope for my future. Not even a wild Indian wanted me. The fact that I had given birth to his son seemed to make no difference to him. I knew how much he loved Ben, yet if he had to choose to remain with me to have Ben to raise, he would gladly leave us both behind. He would forever haunt me, every time I looked into Ben’s face and saw Wolf reflected through our son’s eyes.

  I thought about how Wolf accused Martin of wanting me and trying to pull me from Wolf. If that was true, I could not trust Martin either. He was supposed to be my friend. He knew I loved Wolf. If this was truly his fault, I could never forgive him! I wondered if Martin had said something to Wolf to make him want to leave?

  Even if I had wanted to go after Wolf, it was impossible because he was on horseback and I had no horse. Even if I did go after him, he would probably turn me away, I thought angrily. Besides, I had my homestead to worry about, and our son, now merely my son to raise and care for since Wolf seemed to be abandoning him. I swore under my breath at Wolf and vowed I would never trust him again. However, if he never came back, I wouldn’t be given that choice, I had to admit.

  By the next morning, I realized I could not sit and feel sorry for myself because Wolf left. I had intended to go it on my own from the beginning, so I had to follow through with that plan. It was a good thing Wolf had finished plowing the fields before he got it into his head to leave me on my own since I didn’t own a horse to pull the plow. How could he leave someone he claimed to love, I fumed? The planting had been started and it was up to me to finish it so I would have food to store for the next winter. Somehow I would have to find a hired hand to help out, but until then, I only had myself to count on.

  I made a little holding pen for Ben to play in out in the yard and put Happy in with him to keep him company. Then I went out to the field and picked up where Wolf left off planting the seeds we would need to make our garden fruitful. We had a fruit orchard, and all the trees were in bloom, which gave the bees plenty of work to do in order to gather all the pollen from the sweet-smelling blossoms. The fragrance wafted over to me, filling the air with the smell of spring, a spring that was starting out all wrong as far as I was concerned.

  At night I would fall into bed exhausted, cuddling Ben in my arms. Since he had grown out of his makeshift bed, he had started sleeping in the bed with me and Wolf. Now it was only with me.

  I had gotten so involved with trying to carry on at my homestead, that I had forgotten the very thing that had put me in that position. When Martin’s cousin arrived, with Martin driving the buggy, I was unprepared. I was still out in the field planting the seeds. I had been so angry, I had blocked everything else out of my mind.

  I straightened up when I heard the buggy arriving and suddenly remembered this was the day Rachel was supposed to visit me. I looked down at my tattered dress and my dusty boots. I was dirty and sweaty from working in the field, and my hair was falling out of the braid I had put it in, plastering itself against the sweat on my face.

  As the horse trotted forward down the driveway toward the house, I placed my hand over my eyes and took in the pleasant picture of Rache
l, sitting next to Martin, looking fresh and fetching in her soft blue dress, with lace flaring from the sleeves at her elbow, which matched the lace around her collar. She was holding a parasol in one gloved hand, as the buggy approached, and when our eyes met, she gave me a friendly smile. I thought of all the times I had dressed in lovely dresses for special occasions. Now I felt totally ashamed of my own appearance, but I could do nothing about it. I felt like a beggar woman, with my warn dress covered in a long apron and a kerchief around my neck. At least she would not be offended by the sight of Wolf, half-naked, working in the field, I grumbled to myself, sarcastically. This was Martin’s doing, and I almost felt like turning them both away so I could get back to my work and forget how her impending visit was what drove Wolf away.

  “What are you doing?” Martin asked as the buggy slowed, and I walked out to greet them.

  “I am really not prepared for your company,” I confessed. “In fact, I had forgotten this was the day you were coming.”

  “Where is Wolf? I thought he was tending to the garden,” Martin inquired.

  “He would be, but he left. He went back to his tribe to…”

  I couldn’t tell Martin the truth. He would be all happy to learn that Wolf had left me to join his people again. It was what he wanted, and I was beginning to believe Wolf had been right about Martin wanting to pull me from the man I loved. I took in my breath and continued.

  “I finally talked Wolf into going to his tribe to bring Jamie back,” I lied. “I don’t know how long he will be gone. He was upset that I asked it of him, saying he would be gone too long and there was so much still needing to be done. Only I insisted and assured him I could handle it on my own while he was away,” I smiled.

  “That is absurd! Of course, you can’t handle it all on your own while he is away! You will be here by yourself with no help to speak of!”

  “I was alone before Wolf came,” I pointed out.

  “You did not have a little one to tend to then. You can’t be expected to do the work of a man and care for a child at the same time. Rachel should stay with you to help you with your son, and I will ride over to your relative’s home, and inform him of your situation, and that your uncle was his brother. I know he has a couple of strapping young lads, and maybe one of them can come to help while Wolf is away.”

  I couldn’t tell him that Wolf was not planning on returning and that my kin’s sons could not stay here indefinitely helping out. However, I did need the help and I could always send him home when Wolf did not return, once the heavy work was finished. I would just complain that something must have happened to Wolf to keep him away for so long and I would have to higher on someone to help me until I discovered what happened to him. When Wolf never returned, I would act worried that he hadn’t come home, or brought Jamie and his sisters back with him. I plotted my deception so Martin would never know I had made a big mistake loving Wolf and acting as though I was his wife. Martin didn’t know I was never Wolf’s wife anyway, and I vowed he would never discover it. Eventually, everyone would assume Wolf was dead and I would be considered a widow, even though I had never actually been a wife. I fidgeted with my apron and gave an accepting smile.

  “As long as you are here, I will get cleaned up, and make some tea,” I offered. “The house is all a tumble since I have been working to get the rest of the garden in so you will have to excuse the mess.”

  “You are a brave woman to have insisted Wolf leave to retrieve your cousins while you worked the homestead alone,” Martin praised. “I have always thought you to be brave and strong. I am immensely impressed!”

  I cringed at his words. I wasn’t brave and strong. I was a liar and a fallen woman, actually wanting Wolf to touch me, in the beginning. I was deceiving them all and would end up taking advantage of my uncle’s family, and Martin as well. I should have escaped with Jamie when he had begged me to after we were first captured and had the opportunity to slip away. That would have been brave and strong, not going willing along with whatever Wolf asked of me.

  I looked away because I could not bear to meet Martin’s eyes, when he was praising me for something I never was and never could be. I was not brave and strong even when I had been captured. I had just weakly obeyed and pretended like I wasn’t frightened. I was too frightened to escape with Jamie when we first had the chance. The only times I tried to escape was for selfish reasons, feeling slighted by Wolf‘s treatment of me. I was angry at the way Wolf had treated me then, and I was angry for the way he was treating me now. What was it about him that drew me so strongly anyway, I wondered? Even though he left me, and I had left him previously, he always filled my thoughts and soul in a way I couldn’t explain. It was like no matter what I did, I could never escape him, even when we were parted from each other.

  I picked up Ben and let Happy romp behind us as I took him into the house. I excused myself and went to my room to nurse him before putting him down for a nap. I was now sleeping in my own room. I had not had the courage to enter the room Wolf and I had shared, the same way my parents had shared it before us. I did not want all the memories to come flooding back to me if I went in that room. I feared them in the same way I had feared the memories of being in the room where the attack took place. I had slowly gotten over that fear and hoped that eventually, I could get over the memory of Wolf as well.

  When Ben was settled down for his nap, I changed my clothes, putting on one of my nicer dresses that were in my clothes press. It had been so long since I wore it, I was starting to grow out of it. Since I gave birth to Ben, my breasts had developed more and the rest of my body started rounding out, once I started eating well again. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was not that same girl I had been before the Indian raid, or the captured girl Wolf once knew. I was someone totally different, and now I was becoming deceptive in order to hide all my secrets. I was glad my mother and father were not there to see how I had turned out. They wouldn’t want to admit I was their daughter, I thought. Maybe I should have died as a baby, I shrugged, but since I hadn’t, I was going to have to face my life the best I could.

  When I came down the stairs, Martin looked longingly at me in a way that almost made me blush. Wolf had been right. Martin had wanted me in the beginning, and maybe he still wanted me now. Perhaps in subtle ways, he had been trying to pull me from Wolf. I shrugged off the suspicion and smiled pleasingly at both of my guests, inviting them to follow me into the kitchen while I prepared tea. It was not a formal affair, and as soon as we finished, Martin would be riding off to fetch someone to come help me work the fields and I would have to prepare a place for Rachel to stay. I would let her sleep in Ben’s room, I decided, but I would have to remove all his belongings and store them in the attic.

  Martin could tell things were not quite right. His eyes kept darting at me with questions in them, which I knew I would never answer. Let him think what he wanted, I told myself. Whatever happened I would not encourage Martin to become any closer to me as a friend than he already was. It had been his suggestion that upset Wolf in the first place, I reasoned. Otherwise, Wolf would still be here and my future would not be so uncertain. I missed Wolf more than I realized I ever could. I just couldn’t stop loving him, in spite of the fact that he had left me!

  Eventually, Martin excused himself to go talk to my uncle’s brother, and Rachel and I went to the parlor to talk and get acquainted. She had blond hair and blue eyes, the same as Martin, and I could see the resemblance between them, both having curly hair and the same smile, showing dimples. We sat and talked and she began to tell me a little more about her life, and how when her parents died, she decided to come to the Americas to join Martin, since he was her only living relative now. She said he was going to furnish her a small house to live in, but since I needed someone to help me with Ben, it was a Godsend in a way.

  I craved the company she could afford so I was happy to allow her to stay with me. It had been so long since I had a young woman close to my own age to visit
with. Wolf’s sister and I never talked with each other the way young women usually did when I was at his village, and this was the first time I had someone other than Nellie and Ruth to share a conversation with.

  She told me of her voyage from England and how they had run into a storm that made her fear for her life. It must have been exciting, I thought. I could barely remember when my family came across the ocean and ended up in Philadelphia.

  “It is so shocking that you were captured by Indians,” Rachel mumbled, looking like she wondered if she should bring it up.

  I remembered how Martin said she was interested in hearing my story, but I was hesitant to tell it.

  “Yes,” I murmured. “I try not to think about it now,” I informed her.

  “Martin tells me you married the man who captured you,” she went on. “So the heathens must not be as fierce as we are told they are?”

  I shrugged.

  “In their own village, they are very civil. As an enemy they are ruthless! They will not stop at any kind of horrific torture or mutilation to the bodies of those they kill. Wolf was young. It was his first raid, so he was not as involved as the other warriors who terrorized us. As I was forced to travel with him, we eventually became friends.”

  “I will be eager to meet him when he returns,” she assured me.

  “You may not like the look of him. Martin was worried that his manner of dress would embarrass you. The Lenape Indians hardly wear any clothes. Just a breech-cloth most of the time. Even the women do not cover their bosoms.”

  Rachel’s eyes widened.

  “I suppose I would feel embarrassed if I had to be around people who never dressed decently! How did you respond to it?”

  “What could I do? It was their culture. I also was expected to dress like them.”

  “I did not mention that the whole time I spent with Wolf’s people I wore no clothes at all.”

  “How horrid for you!”