Proof of Heaven
Page 18
Colm finally scrambled to his feet and said nothing. His uncle terrified him. He had never seen Sean so angry and had never heard such ugly things come out of his mouth—from anyone’s. Colm’s legs were rigid, and he could barely put one in front of the other. His stance was wide and ungainly. He looked pathetic, broken. Colm stumbled and fell, tried to walk several times, but kept stumbling. By the third time he fell, Sean lunged for him. He could not see Colm in any more pain. Watching Colm about to fall, Sean snapped out of it. He remembered again who he had been yelling at. It was not Pierce. It was not Cathleen. It was Colm. His own Colm, he thought.
“Oh God,” Sean moaned. “I am so sorry, Colm. I am so sorry.” Sean felt an overwhelming need to vomit. He had said things he could not take back, that Colm, no matter how long he lived, would never ever forget. He disgusted himself. He tasted the bile in his mouth, the bitter anger on his tongue. He was ashamed.
“P-p-p-please, let go of m-m-me, Uncle Sean,” Colm whispered softly, ashamed of himself and his failing body. Sean tried to help Colm to his feet. “I c-c-c-can do it, Uncle Sean.” Colm struggled to stand on his own.
Sean’s eyes smarted. He felt awful. Colm, he could tell, was crying. He was shaking. Sean saw the darkening streaks run down Colm’s pants as he wet himself. Sean had broken his heart and had told him the things his mother had spent his entire life trying to prevent him from ever knowing, to spare him from just this one pain in life that was too much for a child to bear.
“Please, Colm. I’m sorry. Let me carry you home. Your mother is going to be so angry with me if she finds out how much I hurt you—if you get sick because of me. Let me carry you. Do me this one favor?”
Colm was silent. He didn’t want Uncle Sean to be in trouble with his mother. He didn’t want another terrible fight between them because of him. He didn’t want to get sick and cause his mother to worry.
Colm put up his arms, and Sean melted. His stomach gave way, thinking of Colm as a baby and how he came to him with open arms. He had ruined it all. He had done what he vowed he would never do—he had crushed someone else’s dream. He took away the one thing a child has that is totally his own, hope.
Sean hoisted him up on his hip. Colm slumped over, resting his head on his uncle’s shoulder, and whispered in his ear, “Why doesn’t he love me? Does he know? Does he know how much I love him—want to know him?” Colm began to cry softly, and Sean felt the boy’s tears mix with his own as they ran down his neck.
Sean squeezed the boy mightily. He held him because he knew better than anyone what it was like to grow up wondering about the father, the invisible father who overshadowed everything he tried to do and tried to be, who was as mysterious as he was wonderful and frightening. He thought how much harder it was for Colm, because his father chose to leave him, while his own was taken, consumed by fire.
“I am sorry, Colm. I don’t know why I said those terrible things. I didn’t have any right. I was just so angry. Not at you, but at the situation. Nothing in this life makes much sense.”
“It’s OK, Uncle Sean. I forgive you,” Colm said, lifting his head up and looking into his uncle’s eyes.
“You don’t have to . . . forgive me, Colm. I don’t deserve it.”
“But, I do . . . because I love you.”
Chapter 25
Cathleen had busied herself with dinner after she hung up the phone. Sean had found Colm and was bringing him home. “Everything’s fine. Don’t worry,” he told her.
Cathleen was overjoyed. She made Colm his favorite—shepherd’s pie with extra whipped potatoes. She set the table for three, even putting out placemats and fabric napkins and lighting a candle. When she heard the buzzer, she pressed the button to unlock the door. She assumed it was Sean and Colm coming up.
When she heard the knock at the door, she was pulling the pie out of the oven.
“Just come in, Sean and Colm. The door should be open.”
She heard the knock again, and a single set of footsteps came down the hall. She put the pie on a cooling rack and stepped out of the tiny galley kitchen
“JesusMaryandJoseph!” Cathleen gasped.
“Oh, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I-I tried to knock, but you insisted that I let myself in.”
“Oh, yes. Of course. Why . . . , Gaspar. Why are you here?”
“I was worried. I felt awful about this morning. I wanted to check on you and Colm. I wanted to apologize in person. It was not my place. I should not have said anything.”
“Yes. It did cause quite the stir.”
“Is he here? Is he OK?”
“I never made it to the elevator to stop him. He took off for the day. I sent Sean after him. They just called about a half hour ago. They were on their way home—should be home any minute, I guess. Would you like to join us? It’s no Sunday feast. But it will do.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I don’t want to intrude,” Dr. Basu said, scanning her tidy, small apartment, with its stacks of books along the floor, and the numerous pictures of Colm and his artwork all over the walls.
“Nonsense. I have plenty. I made enough to feed an army. Please, you know you’re always welcome. Here, let me take your coat,” she said, reaching for it before he could even get it off.
Dr. Basu looked at the table, which was set for three and had candles, and felt like he would be an unwelcome guest today. He hadn’t been invited this time, and she was only expecting Colm and her brother.
“I should leave. You, Sean, and Colm have a lot to talk about tonight,” he said as he stepped toward the door.
“Don’t be silly. Colm would be so angry if he knew you were here and I sent you packing.”
“I know, but today . . . his running away. It was my fault.”
“Come on. How did you know that he didn’t know? How could you have possibly remembered every word I said months ago in Italy. Besides, what is there to say now? He knows as much as I do. His father lives in L.A. It’s not like his dad has been beating down my door to come and get him. I never brought it up because I thought it would hurt him to know . . . the truth, and guess what? News flash: it did.”
Dr. Basu smiled at her. She was trying, he could tell, to hide how hurt she was.
“Please, just stay, Gaspar . . . for me.”
They heard Sean and Colm come through the door. Colm ran in and went directly down the hall to his room to change. He didn’t want his mother to see what he had done or to have to explain it.
“What’s going on, Sean?”
“He just had an accident. He needs to change.”
“Oh . . . He’s been doing that a lot lately. Should I go and help him?”
“No, he’ll be fine. Leave him alone for a few minutes.”
After Colm changed, he came out and ran to his mother and hugged her. He had missed her so much. The universe was no place for him without his mother.
“I . . . am . . . sorry . . . Ma . . . ma,” he stuttered. “I m-m-m-miss you s-s-so much.”
“I’m just glad you’re safe, but don’t ever do that again. We’ll talk about this later. Let’s just get some food into you.” Cathleen hugged him again and turned to Sean, to whom she was so grateful for finding her son. “I would have never known where to look, Sean! Thank you so much for bringing him home safe and sound.”
Sean winced. He had done a terrible job. “No problem, Sis.” Sean looked at Colm, and Colm looked at Sean—they each knew neither would tell Cathleen what had happened.
Sean didn’t want his sister asking any more questions, so he tried to pretend everything was normal. “So, Basu my man, what’s up?” Sean slapped the doctor roughly on his back and winked.
“I just came to check on Colm and Cathleen and to apologize, especially to you, Colm. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Dr. Basu said.
“It’s not a big deal,” Colm said quietly, but everyone noticed something different about the boy. He could barely keep his head up, and he looked as if he was about to cry.
“Yes, M-m-mama.” Colm limped away toward the kitchen.
“Thank you,” she said as she watched him. She hated making him do things, but she knew if he was going to grow up, he would have to know how to do things like set the table.
“Sean—do you want a Coke? Gaspar, I have some wine.” Sean’s ears perked up when he heard his sister use the doctor’s first name. He saw them and he knew. And he smiled a big grin at Cathleen.
She blushed with embarrassment, and so did Dr. Basu.
“Yes, Cathleen, a glass of wine would be fine,” Dr. Basu said sheepishly.
When Colm was finished setting the table, the four gathered round it. Cathleen asked everyone to join hands. “Please, guys, let’s say Grace.”
Sean saw Colm smiling at his mother, but his eyes had lost their sparkle. He wasn’t smiling a real smile. Sean knew he had taken something from his nephew that no one had the right to take away. He wished he could take it all back. But Colm looked at him and nodded, trying to pretend that he would be just fine.
They all laughed and passed the food back and forth. Colm and Sean told jokes, performing for Cathleen and their guest. Gaspar sat back and watched. He was so happy, so content to just be able to share a meal. There was truly no better way to spend the night than among friends.
Just as everyone seemed to forget the day’s events, Colm asked to say something.
“Go on, Colm, we’re all ears,” his mother urged him.
“I shouldn’t have run off like that. I shouldn’t have said what I said to you, Dr. Basu, or to you, Uncle Sean, and I shouldn’t have made you worry, Mama. I’m sorry,” Colm said flatly without stuttering.
“Come on, Colm. It’s no big deal. You were right; I should have said something to you awhile ago, when you first asked me about him,” Cathleen said.
“No, Mama. You were right. You were just trying to protect me. I understand that now,” Colm said, looking across the table at Sean.
“Oh, Colm. I love you. We all love you, and we all want what is best for you. Just because your father, for whatever reason, couldn’t handle being a dad doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, that you’re less worthy of being loved. You need to know that.”
“I know, Mama. I know. But . . .”
Colm looked around. He hadn’t quite expected his doctor, his only friend in the world, to be there when he made his announcement to his mother. He didn’t think his uncle Sean would be there either. But Colm knew he had to go through with it, and he had to go through with it today. Colm had thought long and hard all day in the planetarium, and he had made up his mind before his uncle Sean had shown up. He was going to go home on his own anyway. He wasn’t going to let his mother worry. But he was going to go home and ask her to help him find his father. He had to know, he thought. As much as it would hurt all of them, and as much as he didn’t want to hurt them, he knew he had to do it.
“Mama?” Colm said quietly.
“Yes.”
“I need you . . . to hear . . . me . . . out. I . . . need you all . . . to hear . . . me out for a second,” Colm said slowly, deliberately.
“Sure, hon, whatever it is, just shoot.”
“Mama, I’d like to find him.”
Cathleen felt the blood rush to her feet, her head suddenly lighten, the room begin to spin.
Sean braced himself against the table. After everything he had just told him, everything that had just happened, Colm was actually doing this. Sean was about to open his mouth, but Cathleen put up her hand to tell him to stop. “Don’t say a word, Sean. Not one word.”
Cathleen inhaled and closed her eyes. She had known this day would come. If Colm lived long enough, she knew it was inevitable. It was the other edge of the sword. She had bartered with God—had promised over and over—if he let Colm live, then she would do whatever the boy wanted. If he ever wanted to leave her, go live with his father, do anything to break her heart, she would let him do it. She promised God, over and over, she would do anything to let Colm live. If the miracle took, this was the price she had to pay.
She took Colm’s hand and squeezed it and shook her head. She didn’t think she could do it. Sean opened his mouth again to try to speak, but Cathleen shot a cold stare at him. Dr. Basu sat quietly, not knowing his place, fearful of saying anything to upset anyone else.
“I am sorry, Uncle Sean. I really am. I just. I just have to go. I have something else to say . . .”
Everyone stopped and looked at Colm, and no one was prepared to hear what he was about to announce.
“I think this is it. I know you don’t want to hear this, Mama. But I think Dr. Basu already knows.”
“What are you talking about, Colm?”
“Mama, I don’t have much time. I need you to understand this. I do. Please. The miracle didn’t take. I know it didn’t. And I am going to die, and I need to do this one thing. Just this one thing before I go. I need to see him. To know him. Please, Mama.”
Cathleen gasped and pushed herself away from the table and walked into the kitchen. Sean threw his napkin on the table and went after her.
Colm looked across the table at Dr. Basu, and they both sat quietly as they listened to Cathleen crying in the kitchen, and Sean trying to get her to stop.
Sean spoke softly, so Colm wouldn’t hear. “Sis, he’s just a kid. He doesn’t know what he wants or what he’s talking about. Come on, Sis. Don’t buy this bullshit guilt trip. This is taken from Mom’s playbook. Christ, it must be in the DNA. He knows how to get to you. He’s not dying, and you don’t have to go taking him to Los Angeles to prove to him how much you love him or any of that other bullshit drama. You got it?”
Cathleen whispered quietly, “Look at him, Sean. Look at him. Maybe he knows? Maybe he’s right. Dr. Basu tried to tell me the same thing last week—he tried to, but I wouldn’t listen.”
Sean whispered back, “Cate, he’s sick. I know that. But no one, and I mean no one, knows when they’re gonna kick it. Not even Colm. Yes, he’s sick. I am all for being prepared and being honest. I am. Trust me. But I think he’s just trying to get you to do this. And, Sis, you don’t have to do it.”
Just then, Dr. Basu stepped into the kitchen with Colm trailing close behind.
“I will take him,” Dr. Basu said with a calm, quiet voice, shocking all of them.
Cathleen and Sean turned and looked at him. He looked at Colm. In turn, Colm looked up at him with quiet gratitude.
“What?” Cathleen and Sean said together.
“I’ll take him. If you think it will be too painful, Cathleen and Sean, I will take him. Besides, I have been doing a lot of research. There is a doctor at the Children’s Hospital in Los Angeles who has been working on an experimental treatment with severe neurological disorders, and he’s on the cutting edge of science, and perhaps we could get Colm into the study. And since Colm is in no condition to get on a plane, and no commercial airline will take him, I will drive him myself. We’re going to need to be able to make stops. We’ll need to be close to hospitals should anything happen or if he collapses again.”
“How come I have never heard of this doctor before? Or this treatment?” Cathleen asked.
“You have, sort of. He is one of the doctors I mentioned to you last week, one of the experts I told you I would be consulting going forward.”
“And you think this doctor has the answers?”
“I am not sure, but we could see what he has to say. He knows more about degenerative diseases that affect the heart and brain than I do. And he might be the objective mind we’re looking for—he might have alternatives and offer us some hope.”
Cathleen heard the word hope and she smiled. Yes, that’s exactly what she needed.
“Well, I have to think about all of this,” Cathleen said, looking at Colm.
“Mama, please. I want so badly to go. Please,” Colm begge
d.
“Colm, you need to understand, if and only if, I decide to go, we’re not just going to find your father, we’re going to see another doctor and a new hospital. And I don’t want to hear any more of this dying business. Do you hear me? We’re going to get you better. We are.”
Colm nodded. He was willing to agree to anything if it meant he would get closer to seeing his father.
Sean, annoyed that there was still even talk of Pierce and Colm looking for the man, wanted to push the envelope with Cathleen. “So where is this guy? Why haven’t we heard anything from Mr. Wonderful in seven years?”
Cathleen shot a dirty look at Sean. “Not in front of Colm, Sean. Not now.”
“Come on, Sis. Colm wants to know. I’d like to know.”
“Colm, ignore Uncle Sean. It’s getting late; why don’t you go get in your pajamas and brush your teeth and I’ll be in to tuck you into bed in a minute and we’ll talk . . . alone,” Cathleen said, staring at her brother.
“I want Dr. Basu to tuck me in.”
Cathleen looked at Colm, surprised, and Dr. Basu smiled back at the boy.
“I’d be happy to, Colm. Run along and I will be in to say good night when you’re ready.”
After Cathleen thought Colm had left and was out of earshot, she looked at both Sean and Dr. Basu, who she could tell wanted to know more.
“Well, Sis, where is the Father of the Year?”
“I honestly have no idea. I really thought he was in Los Angeles. I know that’s where his family was from. I also know while we were living together he was struggling to make it in New York and thought he would go back to Los Angeles to try music out there. I had a feeling back then he was just going back home though—to get away from me and the baby—and avoid responsibility. Who knows? A few years ago, I tried to find him again and I even contacted his parents, who live just outside L.A., but I think they were worried I was after their money or something. They hung up on me as soon as I introduced myself. But maybe I was mistaken. Maybe it was Pierce they didn’t want anything to do with. How should I know? It was so long ago, but I vaguely remember Pierce telling me his father was kind of a jerk who didn’t understand him. I think they may have even been estranged while we were together in New York. I never pushed him to talk about it. Although, after I got pregnant, Pierce accused me of planning the whole thing to get at his family’s money. It was, I recall, one of his less stellar performances,” Cathleen said, remembering all the things Pierce said to her and how foolish she had been.