Figuring she’d said too much, she put the piece of bread in her mouth. This thing of sharing one’s feelings was harder than it looked. Richard made it seem so easy when he did it.
“It’s alright, Amanda. I was never under the illusion you returned my feelings. You don’t have to feel guilty about it. It’s enough to know you don’t regret marrying me.” When her gaze met his, he offered a smile and added, “I worry about it from time to time.”
“No, I don’t regret marrying you. I can’t see myself with anyone else.”
And that was true. In all her time exchanging letters with Joe and finding moments in the day to talk to him at a restaurant or in a store, she’d never once felt the closeness she had with Richard. Even if she and Richard never moved beyond friendship, he’d been the best thing in her life.
She gestured to his food. “You should eat before it gets cold.”
He glanced at his tray and picked up a chicken leg. “You sure you don’t want some? Even to taste?”
She shook her head. “I’ll be doing good to eat the bread. Eat all of it. You must be hungry.”
A comfortable silence fell between them as they ate, each lost in their own thoughts.
Chapter Twelve
After their meal, Richard left to take the trays back to his mother. Though Amanda knew she shouldn’t, she went to the window and peered down, wondering if Joe really was waiting for her. Sure enough, he was there, in front of the hotel, pacing back and forth, waiting for her.
Why couldn’t he accept her answer? Why did he have to be so stubborn? Did it mean nothing to him that she’d already promised herself to Richard? Did he think so little of the marriage vows?
She had to become Richard’s wife. It wasn’t enough she’d signed a piece of paper promising herself to him. She needed to act like a wife would. Maybe then, Joe would give up and find someone else.
Taking a moment to gather her courage, she counted to five then released her breath. She shut the window. No need for anyone to know what was going to happen in this room. Even if Mr. Price hadn’t been the one screaming, he’d moaned loud enough to let others know what he was doing.
She often wondered if anyone in the apartment building had heard her cries of help but hadn’t bothered to intervene. Things would have been much better if they had. Maybe Laura was right. Maybe it was good to offer help.
Blinking back her tears, Amanda swallowed the lump in her throat. No. Tonight wasn’t going to be about Mr. Price. It wasn’t going to be about all the “what if’s” that so often plagued her. Tonight was going to be about Richard. From this moment forward, Amanda would be the kind of wife he deserved.
Her hands shook as she lifted her nightshirt and draped it over the back of the chair. She hadn’t realized how difficult this was going to be, but it confirmed her suspicions. The longer she waited to do this, the worse it was going to be.
She steadied her nerves and went to the bed. She pulled back the thin blanket and slipped into the bed, bringing the sheet up to her neck. Up to now, Richard had slept in the chair when they stayed at hotels. She hadn’t asked him to do it. Since he was her husband, he had the right to be in bed with her, but for her sake, he hadn’t. It was so much like him to sacrifice his desires for her. Why hadn’t she realized he’d loved her all these years? Why did he have to tell her in order for her to figure it out?
The door opened, and she turned her attention to Richard. He glanced her way. “Would you like me to light the lamp?”
“No, I don’t need the light on tonight,” she replied, her voice sounding weaker than she’d planned.
“Alright.” He closed the door then bent down to remove his boots.
She licked her dry lips then forced out, “Will you sleep in the bed with me?”
He’d just finished taking off his last boot when she asked the question. In the remaining sunlight, she caught the uncertain look in his eyes when he glanced her way. “I don’t think I can do that,” he softly said. “When we’re out on the trail, it’s easier for me to just hold you. If I’m in bed with you in this room, with no one around, I don’t think I can… I mean, I wouldn’t ever force you, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep.” He shifted from one foot to the other and shook his head. “It’s best I don’t. Not when I want you too much. I don’t want to rush you.”
The last part, he said in a whisper, making it almost impossible to hear him.
“You won’t be rushing me,” she told him. “You love me. It will be better with you.”
“You don’t have to do this because I told you I love you.”
“I know. It’s because you love me that I don’t have to. But I want to. As you said, we’re alone here. I don’t think there’ll be a better time.” Then, to show him she was serious, she lifted the blanket.
His gaze traveled the length of her body, and her skin flushed from the spark of desire in his eyes. It wasn’t the same look Mr. Price had given her. Richard had a tenderness in his expression that made her heart ache to be with him.
“I’m doing this because I want to,” she assured him when he didn’t make a move toward her.
Something either in her words or the way she spoke prompted him to remove his clothes. She averted her gaze, choosing to focus instead on settling onto her back. She waited until he was in the bed with her to turn her attention back to him.
“Are you sure?” he asked. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t hurt me.” She cupped the side of his face with her hand and brushed the stubble on his cheek. “You’re not him.”
She didn’t want to say his name, and Richard knew who she was talking about. It was bad enough she saw Mr. Price’s face when she had nightmares or in a passing moment during the day. The last thing she wanted to do was say his name, especially in a moment that was going to transition her relationship with Richard from that of friendship into more. From this moment forward, they would truly be husband and wife.
She brought his face closer to her and kissed him. She’d never been good at telling anyone what she was feeling. It was easier to let her actions speak for her, and in this case, she could only hope Richard understood he no longer had to hold back his feelings for her.
Besides, she cared for Richard. He’d been a steadfast friend ever since she could remember. Never once had he pushed her beyond what she was ready for. He’d patiently waited for her. She knew for a fact not all men did that. Some took what they wanted then blamed it on the woman when it was over.
Her eyes flew open, and she relaxed. Richard. She was with Richard. She was safe.
He lifted his head, his gaze meeting hers. She thought she might have to reassure him he had her permission to proceed, but instead of asking, he took her hand and kissed her palm. The action was so gentle and sweet she had to blink back her tears. How could she not have realized how much he loved her sooner?
When she could trust her voice to remain steady, she whispered, “I’m glad I’m your wife.”
And she was. It never would have been the same with Joe. Yes, it would have been fine. Joe was a good man. He would make someone a good husband someday. But there was something about Richard that made him the better choice for her. Maybe, deep down, she’d always known it.
Maybe that was why she’d hesitated to accept Joe’s proposal. At the time, she’d thought it was because he was so busy working that he’d have little time for her. But now she knew better. He wasn’t Richard.
Richard smiled, his gaze tender as he made eye contact with her. “It probably seems silly, but I knew I wanted to marry you since we were children. I was too afraid to ask if you wanted the same thing.” He chuckled. “I suppose it doesn’t matter. We’re married now, and that’s what counts.”
He lowered his head and kissed her before she could reply, probably because he was too embarrassed by his confession, but she’d never laugh at him.
She brought her hand up behind his neck and returned his kiss. He parted his lips for a moment
, and on instinct, she responded in kind. When his tongue brushed hers, she had a momentary sensation of Mr. Price. He’d forced his tongue into her mouth to prevent her from screaming anymore. But he’d been rough. Everything he’d done had been rough.
She had to remind herself she was with Richard, and unlike Mr. Price, Richard was gentle, not demanding any more than she was willing to give.
Richard must have sensed her involuntary discomfort with the kiss, for he lifted his head and asked, “Did he kiss your neck?”
Though she was curious as to why he asked the question, she shook her head.
This time when he lowered his head, he kissed her neck, and it was then she understood he wanted to do something different, even if it was something small, to help her make the distinction between him making love to her and her experience with Mr. Price. It was so much like him to do everything he could to try to erase the damage Mr. Price had caused. It was a futile effort. She didn’t think she could ever fully heal from it, but it was incredibly sweet he wanted to do this for her.
He spent considerable time kissing her neck, once in a while sprinkling her cheek with light kisses. The sensation was quite pleasant, and after a while, she found herself completely relaxing. With Mr. Price, it had been rushed, but with Richard, it was slow. The contrast was good to notice. It helped to separate out what Mr. Price had done to her versus what Richard was doing.
When she realized Richard’s hand was resting next to her breast, his fingers barely brushing it, she decided to make a bold move and guided his hand so he could cup it in his palm.
Richard’s mouth left her neck and went to her breast. Again, his movement was soft, tentative, a silent question on whether it was safe for him to proceed or not. To reassure him, she squeezed his arm, knowing full well he’d know what she meant. He seemed to know her much better than anyone else, often reading her mind. The thought sometimes terrified her because it made her feel vulnerable. But in this instant, she found it comforting.
His tongue brushed her nipple, causing an involuntary spark to travel straight to her core. It was so unexpected, she gasped.
Richard stopped and looked up at her. “Should I stop?”
“N-no.” She swallowed. “Um, it was nice.”
“Are you sure?”
Hoping to ease his worry, she said, “He didn’t put his mouth there. It’s a new sensation.”
His furrowed brow relaxed, and he returned his mouth to her breast. This time, he cupped her breast before he flicked his tongue along her nipple. Once more, the pleasant spark raced through her, but this time she was careful not to startle him by gasping. She merely bit her lower lip and let out a contented sigh.
This wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was nice, just as him kissing her on the neck had been. And as he’d spent considerable time on her neck, he didn’t rush the exploration of her breasts, going from one to the other, paying careful attention to both.
She didn’t know if he did this because he wished to ease her into the final part of their lovemaking or because he hadn’t been with a woman before and was taking time to satisfy his curiosity about the female body. Either way, she supposed it didn’t matter. He was patient and gentle, non-demanding, considerate. He was much like he was out of bed as he was in bed. And that was nice, too.
When he was done exploring her breasts, he brought his hand between her legs, his fingers resting at her entrance. “You don’t have to do the rest if you don’t want to,” he whispered, his voice a bit raspy.
She looked at his eyes and noted the desire in them. Mr. Price had had desire in his as well, but his had been a selfish kind. In Richard’s gaze was a blend of desire and love. Mr. Price hadn’t cared if she’d wanted it or not, but Richard cared. He cared very much. And she had no doubt he’d quit right now, even with the desire flowing through him, if that was what she wanted.
Her heartbeat picked up in apprehension as she brought her hand to his. The tips of their fingers brushed her opening, and to her surprise, she was wet. She hadn’t been with Mr. Price. Maybe this was something that happened when a woman was willing to be with the man. Richard had taken his time with her, making her experience sparks of pleasure she hadn’t known possible with this act. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. Mr. Price hadn’t touched her there directly. He had only taken enough time to angle himself into her. Even now, she could feel the pain of his entry.
But Richard wasn’t Mr. Price. And this time, she was the one in control. Releasing her breath, she pressed one of his fingers into her. Maybe this would help ease her into the consummation of her marriage. If she could start with something small and relax enough, maybe it would help her when it came time for his penis to enter her.
His slight intake of breath made her look over at him. “What?” Maybe knowing someone else had been in her was making it hard for him to do this. Maybe now that he was close to consummating their marriage, he’d changed his mind.
But instead of telling her what she feared, that she was dirty because of what Mr. Price had done to her, he only kissed her then murmured, “You feel good,” against her ear.
Relaxing, she encouraged him to further explore her. This wasn’t so bad. It didn’t hurt. She wasn’t sure what to make of it, really. If she wasn’t trying to concentrate so much on Richard, she might have been able to fully take in the experience, but she needed to focus on him, to remember he was the one doing this to her.
Richard brought his mouth back to her neck and resumed kissing her. Since she couldn’t see his face, she opted to touch his arm, finding the contact reassuring. She hadn’t noticed how strong he was before. She supposed building things required enough physical labor where a man couldn’t help but develop muscles. Thankfully, this was another distinction between him and Mr. Price. Mr. Price had spent all of his time working at a newspaper.
Taking a deep breath, she returned her attention to the present, and specifically, to what Richard was doing to her. He’d put another finger into her. If she guessed right, he was enjoying this, and that was nice. She wanted him to enjoy it.
He let out a soft moan and pressed his body up against her. The feel of his arousal on her thigh made her stiffen. Mr. Price had pressed his up to her in the same way.
“Maybe,” she began, then cleared her throat, “maybe I should be on top.”
He stopped kissing her and rolled over. He had his arms open to her, inviting her to come to him. As much as she tried not to, her gaze went to his erection. She hadn’t seen Mr. Price’s, nor would she have wanted to. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to see Richard’s. But it was a part of him, and that part was about to go inside her. She wondered if it would hurt this time? Did it hurt when a woman was willing to make love?
Well, she was about to find out. She’d come this far. She wasn’t going to stop now. Steeling her resolve, she got on top of him, careful not to brush any part of her along his shaft. She willed herself to lower herself on top of him, but she froze. Could she really do this?
She looked at Richard in the moonlight and saw the compassion in his eyes. “It shouldn’t be like this for you,” he whispered, reaching up and cupping her face in his hands. “I hate him for what he did to you.”
She shook her head and swallowed, forcing down the urge to cry. “I don’t want to think about him. I want to think about you.”
“I won’t be upset if you stop. I can wait.”
No. She needed to do this. She’d come too far to stop now. She wasn’t going to let Mr. Price ruin what she and Richard could have. And maybe next time, it would be easier. This was something she was just going to have to get through.
Reaching between them, she brushed his erection with her fingertips. Thankfully, he was willing to let her do this. If she could put him into her, then it wouldn’t be the same as what Mr. Price had done. That would be another difference. It was all the differences that had enabled her to get this far. She just had to go a little further.
She spread her legs wider
and, with more courage than she felt, guided him into her. In an involuntary action, she gritted her teeth, waiting for the pain she was sure would follow, but to her relief, there was no pain. Exhaling, she finally settled all the way down on top of him.
He moaned beneath her, and she, once again, turned her attention back to his face. This time his eyes were closed, and she could tell by his strained expression he was using all of his energy to remain still.
“It’s alright. You can move,” she assured him, her voice soft. “You’re not hurting me.”
“I love you so much,” he whispered.
This time a tear made its way down her cheek, but she quickly brushed it away lest he open his eyes and think he was, in fact, hurting her. “I know.”
And that was what made this moment worth it. She wanted to be a good wife for him, the kind of wife he deserved. Keeping her focus on him, she rocked her hips, slow at first, giving herself time to get used to the feel of him inside of her. He gripped her thighs, but the grip wasn’t painful. It was firm but gentle, just like everything else he had done up to this point, and she couldn’t help but be touched he was doing it so he could remain still while she controlled the pacing of their lovemaking.
Once she was comfortable, she rocked her hips faster. She didn’t notice the pleasant sensation deep in her core at first. She’d been too preoccupied with watching Richard in an effort to remind herself she was with him instead of Mr. Price. But suddenly, she did notice it, and more than that, she realized this was something she was supposed to experience during lovemaking. When it was something the woman wanted, it could be an enjoyable experience.
Beneath her, Richard grew taut and groaned, signaling his release. With Mr. Price, she’d been relieved when the end came. The horrible ordeal had finally ended. It wasn’t the same with Richard. Well, she was relieved to a point. She’d made it through the process. She’d confronted her fears and learned being with Richard wasn’t anything like it’d been with Mr. Price. But another part of her, a part she hadn’t expected, was sorry they were done. She wanted to learn how to enjoy being with Richard this way.
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