Naked Pictures of Famous People
Page 6
(All join in.)
FOLLOWER #4: I will join you!
FOLLOWER #5: I found a nickel!
(As the pills are placed on my lips, 1 break free.)
ME: Stop. This is madness! (The crowd hushes at my fervor.) I can't take these without juice.
FOLLOWER #1: You're stalling.
ME: Not true. If they were caplets I might be able to squeeze them down, but ...
FOLLOWER #2: You're a staller and a liar.
ME: Look. You're all really mad at me, but ... You wanted this. You needed this. It was your weakness that made this all possible. You didn't want to take responsibility for your own lives. You had to look to a savior to make it all better for you. I didn't do this to you, you did it to yourselves. I asked for your money and your wives ... and that guy's daughter ... and—
FOLLOWER #3: And me.
ME: And Phil here, although I could have sworn ... anyway. You gave to me willingly. You wanted to believe in an easy solution to the complex stresses and anxieties of your lives. I saved you from yourselves.
(All is quiet in the room . . .finally:)
FOLLOWER #2: Let's kick his ass!!
(A warlike shriek goes up and the mob attacks.)
ME: Wait! Stop! Ow! Don't pull, it's not a toupee! ... Oh my God! It's THE CAPTAIN!
(The room goes silent as all eyes shift to the cereal box.)
ME: See? Do you see! The Captain hasn't moved, but for that one brief moment, we all believed again. We all believed in the possibility of our salvation. (Heads nodding, the believers are contemplating.) Remember those days. The believing days. Those were good times, huh—uhhhhh . . . (A steel-toed boot is applied to my midsection. As my former disciples descend upon me like hungry hyenas, tearing me limb from limb, I think of only two things: I'm going to lose my security deposit and sugared cereals are a death sentence.)
FIVE UNDER FIVE
WHO AMONG US will build that bridge to the twenty-first century? Who among us will fail to identify the correct cultural trends and end up living under that bridge—uninformed trolls who were told repeatedly that Mehndi designs were in, yet whose feet and hands are still horribly unadorned? Magazines have been most generous in identifying the "30 people under 30" who will lead us stylishly, entertainingly and politically into this grand new millennium. We've been handed a blueprint. Those with a keen eye will never again find themselves bringing a white trash seventies theme party to a crashing halt with the question "Tibet's not free?" Magazine editors have paved the rough road into the year 2000.
Then what? Recent "People to Watch" articles only take us at best through the year 2005. Are we then to stand alone, looking out into the abyss of our future ... unguided by the cutting edge of the trendsetters? Who will be the most powerful television executive? The next generation's favorite author? What will our models be wearing? Who will be our models' favorite author? The boomers will die. Generation X will develop prostate trouble. Generation Y will probably still be fine, but as they approach middle age, will we be as interested in what they're doing? Who will be there to inform us in the years 2015-2025?
Help is on the way. A research team from Conde Nast has identified five people to watch under the age of five. They feel these extraordinary people will be at the forefront of our early-to-mid-twenty-first-century cultural trends. The Fab Five is a diverse group, cutting across a variety of demographic categories. Yet they all share one exceptional truth: All of the "Five to Watch" selections should be around twenty to thirty years of age during the years 20152025. So whether it be politics, media, science or the humanities, the researchers concluded that at least one of their selections should be involved in one of those pursuits in some capacity or another. So it is my pleasure, in conjunction with the fine people at Conde Nast, to introduce The Five to Watch Under Five.
CHELSEA JAMESON
AGE: 5
BIRTHPLACE: Atlanta, Georgia
EDUCATION: Captain Jack's Toddlerama, certified tumbler, Gymboree.
POWER SPOT: The sandbox at Captain Jack's. "Everyone goes there after lunch. It's fun to play."
LESSONS LEARNED: "If someone asks you to get into their van you shouldn't because they are probably bad." INSPIRATION: "What do you mean?"
Our experts felt that women would play an important role in the early to mid twenty-first century. While Chelsea is not yet a woman, it appears certain that within fifteen to twenty years, she will be. Only five, Chelsea already has a boyfriend, Jake, and her mother believes she is very socially oriented—unlike her brother Max, three, who is very shy and will likely never appear on any list, except one detailing various shy people. Her parents feel, and we agree, that Chelsea could be at the forefront of some field of communications, perhaps TV, either on camera or off, most likely on. Or a ballerina.
MICHAEL GREEN
AGE: 4 1/2
BIRTHPLACE: Manhattan
EDUCATION: Home schooled.
POWER SPOT: Temple Beth El, 68th and West End. "It gets very crowded and hot. I like jelly but I'm allergic." LESSONS LEARNED: "I might never amount to anything. Especially if I keep it up, mister."
FAVORITE FOOD: Anything binding.
Although only four and a half, Michael suffers from anxiety disorders befitting a much more successful older man. From irritable bowel syndrome to pattern baldness to an allergic reaction caused by the underside of his own skin, Michael has all the physical manifestations of the high achiever. He hasn't achieved as of yet, but our expert panel attributes much of that to Michael's more than three-year confinement in an oxygen steam tent. You need look no further than his name to find his potential. Michael changed it from his given name of Hyman Yid because "I didn't want people to get the wrong idea ... My head itches." Michael's a corner, and even his parents' assertion that "he'll catch his death of cold" doesn't dissuade us from putting him on the list. If he survives to 2020, he's a high-powered executive waiting to happen ... or a serial killer.
MAGGIE LYNN PRATT
AGE: 8
BIRTHPLACE: Hollywood, California
EDUCATION: Anson "Potsie" Williams Institute of Playacting, Paul Spielberg's Dreamworkshop, Emotions for Kids.
POWER SPOT: The children's menu at Orso. "I love Macauley's Mac and Cheese and the Curly Sue Curly Fries."
INSPIRATION: "My family and the rush of artistic impression—um . . . expression? . . . is that good, Daddy?"
Although Maggie is not technically under five we included her on this list because her father, a powerful publicist, felt we should. Maggie's "classic look and effortless charm" make her "a sure bet for stardom." We did not meet Maggie but saw from her headshot that she might be very pretty when she gets older. If not, she will be made pretty by state-of-the-art surgical procedures, depending upon the societal norms for attractiveness at the time. Maggie's actual abilities at this point are unclear, but rest assured, by the year 2015 she will be very famous and powerful. Maggie Lynn Pratt was unavailable for comment at the printing of this article.
CARY STREISAND RENT
AGE: 45 months
BIRTHPLACE: Cryotech Institute's underground bunker, somewhere near the Rocky Mountains.
EDUCATION: A 10GB RAM upgradable hard drive with 466MHz processor implanted in his brain.
POWER SPOT: Underneath a high-powered microscope. "Stop poking me with needles ... stop it."
INSPIRATIONAL SAYING: "I am not an animal."
Cary was created 45 months ago by the Cryotech Institute. Funded by a rich gay couple from the Silicon Valley, Cary represents a new wave of generational trendsetters not born purely of human reproduction. Cary's the product of a genetic marriage between a high-powered MIT physics genius, a top Broadway lyricist and, quite accidentally, a rare breed of long-haired Persian cat. Watching Cary play with his sterilized toys you can easily see he has the carefree rambunctiousness of any young boy with an enormously oversized cranium, eight nipples and a tail. At just three years and some Cary is already an accomplished physicis
t and neurologist with incredible taste in window treatments. If the government prevails in their lawsuit, he will also soon be working on futuristic weapons systems. I think you'll agree the only thing that can stop our fourth member of this honored list is his own imagination ... and the distracting lure of a ball of yarn ... or if he tries to sleep lying down like a normal boy.
There was no consensus on the final member of the Five Under Five list, but the research team agreed it would be someone Asian or black. Next month: The Fifty Most Beautiful People You Will Never Have Sex With.
THE RECIPE
THE FOLLOWING RECIPE comfortably serves three to four thousand with room for a television viewing audience. For smaller events cut the production number and halve the presenters.
START WITH:
ONE VIBRANT, ELABORATELY COSTUMED DANCE NUMBER SET TO A MEDLEY OF POPULAR HITS. AS MUSIC SWELLS TO A CRESCENDO BRING THE DANCING TO AN ABRUPT CLIMAX. END MUSIC. ADD AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND BOOMING INTRODUCTION OF THE WELL-RESPECTED, ACERBIC HOST. PLAY HOST SIGNATURE THEME SONG. CONTINUE APPLAUSE. CROSS HOST TO PODIUM. END MUSIC AND APPLAUSE.
HOST:
General greetings and a query as to the audience's well-being. Affirmation of audience's well-being. Statement of own well-being. Survey of surroundings. 1mprovised analogy comparing surroundings to different surroundings. Sarcastic jab at expected length of proceedings.
PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER.
HOST:
Confusion about actions of government officials. Statement of proposed personal action if given opportunity to govern.
PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER. IF LAUGHTER IS NOT FORTHCOMING
HOST:
Recognition of power and ability among audience. Statement of fear over possible consequences failure to entertain said powers would entail.
IF LAUGHTER IS FORTHCOMING
HOST:
Query as to audience's familiarity with behavior of recently disgraced cultural icon. Incredulity and displeasure at said behavior. Command for icon to discontinue behavior. Statement of new product created as a result of icon's behavior.
PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER.
HOST:
Praise of audience for responsiveness and sense of humor. Query as to their readiness for program's continuation. Introduction of two participants who will begin process of bestowing honors: an unattractive, humorous male renowned for his portrayal of other unattractive, humorous males, and a female of great physical beauty who has achieved fame for her skill in walking while wearing newly designed expensive clothing.
ADD MUSIC AND APPLAUSE AS HOST LEAVES STAGE. BRING HUMOROUS MAN AND BEAUTIFUL WOMAN TO PODIUM. STOP APPLAUSE AND MUSIC.
MAN:
(To woman) Compliment concerning sexual attractiveness.
WOMAN:
(Stilted, as though reading aloud) Acceptance and return of compliment.
MAN:
Lurid sexual innuendo. Winking proposition with broad physical gesturing.
WOMAN:
(Stilted, as though reading aloud) Unusually intelligent rebuke of said proposition.
MAN:
Surprise at intelligence of rebuke. Feigned lack of disappointment at rebuke. Conceited statement of missed sexual opportunity for the woman, again with broad physical gesturing.
PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER AMONG AUDIENCE AND PRESENTERS.
WOMAN:
Query as to the identity of the author of previously read statements and indictment of their ability. List of possible honorees.
STAND MAN AND WOMAN ASIDE. SHOW EACH POSSIBLE HONOREE PERFORMING THE TASK FOR WHICH THEY ARE TO BE HONORED. SHOW ALL PRESENT POSSIBLE HONOREES IN THE AUDIENCE WAITING FOR THE RESULT OF THEIR EFFORT.
MAN:
(Opening a sealed correspondence) Announcement of the one true honoree.
GREAT REJOICING AMONG THE BELIEVERS IN THE VERDICT. REFLECTION AND BITTER QUESTIONING AMONG THE OTHERS. BRING THE HONORED ONE TO THE STAGE TO BE LAUDED. A FEMALE OF SURGICALLY ENHANCED SEXUAL ATTRACTIVENESS HANDS A TOTEM OF ACHIEVEMENT TO THE HONOREE, WHO GRASPS IT WITH GREAT REVERENCE. AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
HONOREE:
Breathless surprise. Self-effacing remark concerning previous outcomes of similar events. Feigned lack of preparation. Expression of gratitude for inventors of the totem as well as constituents of totem. Expression of gratitude for believers in verdict. Expression of gratitude for members of blood lineage and Supreme Exalted Being. Expression of gratitude for creators of shown task. Expression of regret concerning those who have not received expressions of gratitude. Statement of nonharmful intent for those who have not received gratitude. Plea for group subjected to persecution to no longer be subject to said persecution.
SWELL MUSIC.
HONOREE:
Regret at musical interruption and self-criticism at lack of organizational and communication skills. Sudden remembrance of those still in need of expressions of gratitude.
DIM MUSIC SLIGHTLY.
HONOREE:
Fear of further recrimination if closing remarks are not forthcoming. Hurried expression of love for those present, viewing or being.
SWELL MUSIC. AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. HONOREE IS ESCORTED AWAY BY PRESENTERS WHILE DISPLAYING TOTEM TO THE AUDIENCE. HOST APPEARS.
HOST:
Perceptive remark concerning unexpected length and emotional tenor of honoree's presentation. Example of previous presentation famous for such characteristics.
PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER.
HOST:
Introduction of corpulent woman, well known for recognizing and satirizing her physical condition, and an adolescent known for contracting a fatal illness.
REPEAT AS NECESSARY.
Editor's note: This ancient recipe was found in 1982 by archeologists on a Peruvian dig, outside the fabled Mayan city of Atachupulay .. . ay. It is but one of the many startling discoveries included in a new work by Erich Van Daniken entitled Weird, Huh? continuing his exhaustive efforts to prove the existence of alien visitations. This recipe, translated from its original Mayan glyph in 1985 by a really smart lady, was printed on parchment that dates back four thousand years. The parchment is made from the intestines of rare Andes mountain goats and although it was not dated scientifically, the feeling within the scientific community was, you had to be very primitive to still be writing on the guts and shit inside of a goat. Originally thought to be a recipe for using the rest of the goat, it soon turned out to be a more important find. The recipe details all the necessary ingredients of a successful entertainment industry awards show—a full three to four thousand years before the existence of entertainment! Could the Mayans, a tribe that had only barely mastered the use of a sundial, have predicted this phenomenon . . . or did visitors arrive from the heavens bearing the knowledge of an advanced civilization? Perhaps the truth will never be known.
THE DEVIL AND WILLIAM GATES
IT'S A STORY they tell in the Pacific Northwest, where Washington State meets up with what is left of the Wilderness Provinces formerly known as Canada.
Yes, William Gates is dead and buried—or at least he died. Folks say they converted his remains into binary code and shot him out over the World Wide Web. Some say it was the work of his most committed disciples, others that his remains just reverted back to their natural state of being. Whichever school of thought you go by, most folks agree that he still haunts almost every transaction of business takin' place. They say when you go to the ATM and it tells you you ain't got sufficient funds, or if you swipe your personal ID cyberpass, the one built into your eyeball, into your own front door and it still denies you access, you can stop and take a listen ... and you'll hear or Billy gigglin' and wipin' his runny nose on the sleeve of his all-weather reversible Lands' End parka. And they say you can visit his Web site at BillGates.com and type in "Bill Gates ... Billy Gates!" and sure enough the keyboard'll start to shiverin' and the screen will jump to life and a kind of annoyed, not very deep voice will answer—if you have the model with the voice actualizer—"Hey, neighbor, how stands the Microsoft Unio
n?" And you better answer that "She stands as she stood, innovative, dominant and up one and an eighth per share" or a smallish, soft-skinned hand is liable to shoot out of the screen and delete you. At least that's how they told it to me as a boy.
You see, for a while, Bill Gates was the biggest man in the country ... heck, the world. There wasn't one millisecond of a man's day that Bill Gates didn't have some or total control over. From your morning commute to the hot milk and biscuit you'd put down before bed, it was all run through the auspices of Bill's say-so. It's been said that with the simple touch of a key he could give you explosive diarrhea or an orgasm that made you feel like the Lord Almighty was fellating you. They said Bill wasn't much to look at. Bookish, with wire-rim glasses and the kind of haircut that brings peals of laughter from old mates as they're scanning through your downloaded eighth-grade yeardiskette. They said he wasn't much to listen to either. But he sure could ruin people. They said the entire state of Florida was deleted because Bill felt it wasn't tidy, sticking out the way it did into the Atlantic Ocean.
But this tale begins before all that. Before Bill Gates was ever President or World CEO. Before Manhattan was converted into a maximum security prison. Before man had lost control of society to Apes, getting it back, only to lose it again to Elk, then Otters, then getting it back again. This story begins, if you'll dare believe, at a time when Bill Gates was just another name in what they used to call the Phone Book.
In the month of May, in the year of nineteen hundred and seventy-five, in the time when the Earth still revolved around the sun, Bill Gates was floundering in a town called Seattle. He wasn't a bad man, but an unlucky one. If neighbors had their hours cut at work, he got fired. If neighbors got a sore throat, he got mono; if neighbors did coke and fornicated all night to the strains of KC and the Sunshine Band, Bill got his ass whupped by the big retarded kid who lived next door. Being a creative sort, he even tried his hand at inventin' something that might be his ticket to success. It was a product called "317 Flushes Blue," a tonic to keep the ceramic area where people used to urinate fresh smellin'. But wouldn't you know that around the same time another fella came up with the same product. Exceptin' this fella's lasted 2,000 flushes! Ol' Bill saw red when he found out about that one.