Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  “Night, Alex, see you in the morning.”

  Alex walked out and closed Evie’s door making his way back down the hall and around the corner to check the dining room and kitchen one last time. Seeing everything was good, he quietly made his way to his room closing the door behind him and getting in bed thinking he was just glad they made it through one more day without any bad news.

  He could tell that Ben thought Alex meeting his new girl was important. For that reason, only, Alex was nervous and couldn’t figure out if he should dress up more than he was. He decided on his good jeans, mainly because they were also super comfortable, and if he had to be out he wanted to be comfortable.

  And that was why at first, Alex had just put on a long sleeve Henley, but then he thought that wasn’t enough. He started to feel like he was the one trying to impress someone, like when he had to wear suits for those rare client meetings. And maybe in some way Alex was trying to impress but not for him, it was for Ben. He didn’t want to make his friend look bad.

  He decided to stick to the jeans but dressed it up with a black button up shirt that went well with his coffee brown hair. Fixing his too straight hair wasn’t hard since he always kept it short. It was easier to manage that way. Teeth cleaned and cologne on, he was ready to go. Well, as ready as he could be in that situation.

  Alex was surprised that Ben was finally settling down after all that time. He never thought he would see the day that Ben would want to spend so much time with one girl like he did with Kinsley. She must be something if she had stuck around so long. Plus, she handled Ben’s pushy shit.

  Ben was a good guy but he could be controlling in what he thought those around him, like Alex, should be doing with their lives. Ben never saw it as unwanted advice, in his mind, it was more like passing on his valuable knowledge. Ben was lucky Alex loved the guy because it was the only reason he tolerated it.

  “Come on, Evie! We have got to get moving or I am going to be late! You know how Ben is when I’m late.”

  Alex knew he should’ve made sure she was ready before now, but Evie was having a big fit and was mad at Ben over not being able to go meet Kinsley. As much as Alex knew they should’ve made plans to include her, that was the best way. He could concentrate on impressing Kinsley, and hopefully Ben would come out happy in the end, even though having a cute, smart kid there could’ve taken some of the heat off him. Alex always thought Evie was the better half of their tiny family.

  Where is that girl?!

  Alex made his way to her room and knocked on her door. Speaking quietly, he asked, “Evie? You ready?” Alex listened, but he couldn’t hear her at all. No movement or talking was coming from the other side of the door. “Okay, Evie…I’m opening the door.”

  Twisting the knob slowly, trying to give her time to speak up if she was getting dressed, but when he turned it completely, and she still hadn’t spoken, he pushed the door open to walk in.

  And there she was, just standing by her bed holding her Lovey in her small hands, “Evie? Are you okay? I know you’re upset about not going with me tonight, but I promise you will meet Kinsley soon.”

  She didn’t look up when he spoke, looking closer all he saw was her chest falling and rising heavily, her penguin was shaking in her grasp as she rubbed the rough patch on his belly. Shit! She’s having a panic attack! He walked over to her and knelt in front of her, seeing her eyes wide with fear. “Evie, sweet girl. You’re doing good. Keep rubbing his belly. I’m going to walk you over to the bed so we can get you to lie down, okay?” She acknowledged his words with a barely there nod of her head. Alex stood and gently guided Evie back to her bed, putting her on her left side, the way she liked. After gathering the weighted blanket from under her bed, he gently placed it on her. Alex then ran to the refrigerator for one of the cold bottles of water they kept for times just like those, making it back to her in just a few moments he opened her left hand, placing the bottle in her hand.

  Evie was such a smart girl. She immediately started rubbing the rough belly of her Lovey, one of the tools that helped ground her in her panic attack. By the looks of it, Evie had just barely started the attack when Alex had walked in, so he would give her time, stay quiet, but make sure she knew he was there.

  After their conversation, the day before, Alex wasn’t surprised that she had a panic attack. The memories of their mom were always at the forefront of their minds that time of year. The anniversary of the accident that took her life was the following month and her Lovey was the thing that got her through some severe panic attacks.

  The stress of that day had always felt like a noose around his neck. Getting tighter and tighter as each day passed, bringing him closer to the day Alex had lost his mom, and his sister changed irrevocably. Those days also seemed to be a trigger for his sister.

  Alex could never imagine what it felt like to her. For Evie, the memories of that day were blurry. She was young enough that she remembered, but she had always said that it felt like a nightmare, not something that was real. Alex always thanked whatever higher power there was that she didn’t have a clear memory of that day. The emotions and pain and sounds she had remembered of that night were bad enough, anything more could’ve destroyed her.

  For him, the memories of that day had nearly destroyed him. Alex remembered the call from the police, the immediate panic, and pain that assaulted him. And how Ryan, the man he thought was the love of his life, had been there for him throughout the whole thing.

  Alex just ran. His mind not letting him take the time to think. As soon as Ryan, his boyfriend, parked the car Alex ran into the hospital right toward the reception desk. He needed to get to them. His mom and little sister were in there. Ever since Alex received the call from the police that they were in a car accident with a drunk driver, his only thought was he needed to get to them.

  By the time, he reached the desk, Ryan at his side, his throat was tight, tears were threatening to spill out of his eyes. Trying to speak through the building wave of pain was hard, but he got out what he could. “My mom…” and that was it. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t say another word. Alex knew he had to be strong, he had a promise to keep, but it felt like his body was fighting against the walls he had built to handle it.

  From that point, he could hear Ryan doing all the talking that Alex wasn’t currently capable of. All he could do was stare at his fisted hands, trying with all he had to gather himself together.

  Deep breath in.

  They needed me.

  Long breath out.

  I must be there.

  Deep breath in.

  I must be strong.

  Long breath out.

  I must be the son and brother I promised to be.

  Ryan wrapped his arm around Alex’s back guiding him forward, but in his panic, he looked up into Ryan’s eyes, grabbing his upper arm that wasn’t holding him. “Wait. Evie. I need…”

  “Yes, this way, sweetheart. They’re bringing us to her now.”

  They followed a nurse to her room, his emotions rising, higher and higher. He couldn’t do it. What if he saw her and fell apart? He wasn’t ready. He needed more time.

  The last time he had been in a hospital had been Evie’s birth. What if this time—No, he couldn’t finish that thought!

  As soon as they entered the room Alex saw her. Small as ever, smaller than most four-year-olds as his mom was always telling him, lying in that stark white bed. If it hadn’t been for the wires and the breathing tube Evie would look like she was sleeping. She had her left arm strapped down, with an IV in her hand and the beep, beep from the heart monitor was so loud in the otherwise quiet room it was almost too much. The worst part though was that she lay there, her little body looking so broken and alone.

  Everyone had a breaking point. Alex couldn’t let himself get there, he had to get it together. Once he saw his mom he would feel better. No matter how bad it was Alex just needed to see her, to see that his little family was still there with him
, still there for him to care for, to love. And maybe for just a minute he could lean on her, gain some strength to move forward from there.

  He could feel Ryan behind him, strong arms wrapped around him, trying to provide comfort. What they were really doing was holding him together. Alex had no illusions that he’d still be standing without him. They both panicked and cried a little as soon as they had gotten the call.

  Alex hated those calls.

  Alex could hear people talking around him. He didn’t look to see if it was Ryan or the nurses, he didn’t care. Alex couldn’t take his eyes off his sweet little sister lying in the big bed. Alex wanted to go to her and hold her like he had so many times since she was born, just be there for Evie. He wanted to make sure she always felt loved. Make sure she didn’t feel the loss of their father too harshly.

  “Alex, the doctor is here.” Alex heard Ryan’s gentle voice, laced with concern. “Sweetheart?”

  He didn’t turn away from Evie’s prone form when he said. “I can’t lose them, Ryan. Haven’t I lost enough? She’s just a baby. She doesn’t deserve to be in pain like this. How can this be happening? I don’t understand. I need to see my mom…”

  “Alex.” He felt Ryan shaking him as Alex’s energy was draining. How much more could Alex take before he crashed? “Sweetheart, you have to look at me, okay? Come on. That’s it. The doctor’s here to see you.” Alex felt Ryan in front of him now, hands gripping the sides of his face. He knew Ryan was concerned for him. Alex turned to face the doctor. He needed answers. Ryan came to him and wrapped his left arm around his waist, holding him tightly to his side. Alex needed the warmth of that embrace. He knew the road forward for his family was going to be a long one filled with pain and recovery.

  “Mr. Davidson, I’m Dr. Miller. I’ve been treating your sister. She came in with multiple injuries from the accident. We had to give her a sedative to treat her. That’s why she is sleeping right now. Her physical injuries aren’t life threatening. The booster seat protected her from life-threatening injuries, especially to her head. But she did end up with a broken leg and a broken rib which punctured her lung. She also has some lacerations and contusions from the jarring impact. After the tubes are removed, she’ll need to rest until she’s fully recovered.”

  Alex could feel his heart beating, but his only thought was the pain she must’ve endured. She was going to be okay, though. She wasn’t leaving him. “Okay, that’s good. How long does she have to stay?”

  “We are keeping her for a few days until we remove the breathing tube and make sure you have all you need to continue her healing at home. I believe it would help her greatly to have a mental health evaluation. You never know how children are going to react to trauma, so it’s better to be safe than sorry. She was in pain and distraught when they brought her in, so it’s my opinion that we treat everything that may negatively impact her recovery.”

  “Yeah, okay, that makes sense. Thank you, Dr. Miller. Can I see my mom now? I’d like to see her and tell her about Evie.”

  Nothing about the doctor had changed, but the air in the room suddenly felt heavy. Alex could feel it pressing against his skin, making it harder to breathe.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Davidson, she didn’t survive. The impact of the accident caused a severe head injury. She died instantly. There was no way to save her.”

  “No.” His voice was barely a whisper. “No, please.” Alex felt Ryan wrap him in his arms. Felt the stillness of the room, but he couldn’t make sense of what he was told. He couldn’t believe that his mom…no! Why? How much more loss did he have to go through?

  He was supposed to be her rock.

  He’d promised.

  He couldn’t fall apart.

  He wasn’t allowed.

  Alex knew he had to put it all away, put it away behind that door he’d locked when his father died. He had to be there for Evie, breaking into pieces like his mind and body demanded wasn’t allowed. He was stronger than that. He could do it.

  He would not fail.

  Alex hadn’t failed. He picked up what was left of his heart, locked all the grief away, and was a steady, strong presence as his baby sister healed physically, and in the years that followed, he was there through every step of her mental healing.

  They both dealt with the date of their mother’s death in different ways. They always spent the day together. Leading up to the day Evie had always asked more questions about their mom, always wanted more stories of her, always had more panic attacks. Although, those had grown to be less and less each year. Whereas, Alex would shut it all out and work, ignore the pain in his chest when he had to talk with Evie about their parents. He did his best to give her what she wanted, no matter the toll it took on him.

  Alex had been skeptical in the beginning when she would ask those questions. He didn’t think it would be good for her. Or for him, really. The doctor made it clear that happy memories to edge out what she was most likely remembering were always a good thing. That Alex understood and agreed with it even if he had to go through pain to give it to her, he would do it. Those memories, the ones of that day, were locked away. As much as he promised to never think of that day, to never fall apart, the pain lingered. With each passing anniversary of their mom’s death, for Alex, the pain would be closer to the surface, while Evie seemed to get better.

  Would there ever come a time when Evie wouldn’t need him anymore? She once needed him every day so she felt safe. But now it was only the occasional call he would get about her panic attacks, and he never had to rush to her because between Evie and the staff at the school they had all they needed to get her through one.

  Evie started to stir on the bed, her breathing better, more even and steady. Her restless movements had been the first sign she was ready to sit up and drink that bottle of water. Checking his watch, he had noticed that the attack had lasted fifteen minutes, not bad compared to some.

  “You need help sitting up, sweet girl?” Evie shook her head and sat up, handing him the water bottle to open for her. After taking some small sips of the water, she finally looked up into his eyes. Ahh yes, there was the look he was used to. The one that said she wanted to apologize but learned not to. That one lesson had taken a long time to get through Evie’s head.

  “Thank you, Alex. I had tried to answer you, but my voice just wouldn’t work,” she croaked out.

  “It’s okay, I’m just glad I caught it early on. You want me to call Ben and your friend Ivy and cancel? We can just veg on the couch for the night.”

  “Oh, please don’t. You know I feel sorry already. I may be mad at Ben for not letting me go, but I don’t need him mad at you for bailing on his girlfriend.”

  “If you’re sure. I don’t care if Ben or Kinsley are angry, that would be on them but you know they wouldn’t be upset. I’m here for you, Evie.”

  “It’s fine. Ivy is expecting me. Plus, you know Dr. Cove would be mad if she thought you were babying me,” she replied with a smile.

  A smile he was once again grateful beyond measure to see.

  She got off her bed and grabbed her rolling suitcase. “Okay, I’m ready to go.” She started to walk around him and out of the room but she stopped and turned to Alex, squaring her little shoulders she demanded, “But you tell Ben I’m still upset he won’t let me go.”

  “I’ll pass that along.”

  Silent Vine was beautiful and very busy for a Thursday night. When Alex walked in, the tables were nearly all filled. Quickly letting the hostess know his friends were there, he looked around for Ben and not finding him he decided to check the patio. When he stepped through the open sliding glass door that led outside, he immediately saw them. Ben and Kinsley looked like they were having a romantic evening, sitting under an awning of trees, the restaurant’s twinkle lights illuminating the table

  As he approached the table, he was able to get a better look at the girl that Ben convinced to date him since the last disaster of a relationship he had. She was a beautiful wom
an with long, curly, medium brown hair and a big smile, but what struck him most was the happy grin Ben was giving back to her. Ben was always a happy guy so smiling wasn’t new, but it was what that smile said. Ben liked the girl much more than he’d let on at dinner and Alex was elated for him. If anyone deserved happiness, it was Ben.

  “Hey, Alex! Look at you not scowling for once.”

  “Of course, you did request that ahead of time. I aim to please.” Alex glanced over at Ben’s very nervous girlfriend as he sat in his seat to the right of Ben before asking, “Are you going to introduce me or do I have to guess? I’m sure I can make that a fun game for at least me.” Ben’s look was a warning, one that said, “Do not start your shit,” so apparently, he had to dial it back a bit.

  “Sorry, Evie was not in the best of moods about not coming tonight, add the time of year it is, and I guess it might’ve made me a little tense. I apologize…”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about the anniversary being so close. Is she doing okay? Another panic attack?” The concern in Ben’s voice soothed Alex a little.

  “Yes, another one, but she had it well in hand, I just moved it along and stayed by her. I don’t want to ruin the night, so let’s not dwell on it.”

  “Kinsley, this is my best friend, Alex. The one that promised to be on his best behavior.”

  “I’m sorry, Kinsley, for being rude. I’d say I’m typically not like that, but Ben would call bullshit and then you would probably just get a history of all the times I was like that. And that is not what I call a fun time.”

  Kinsley clearly was more amused by him or maybe them than she was upset by how he acted which was good for him since that meant Ben couldn’t get mad at him. “It’s nice to meet you, Alex. I’ve heard a lot about you, most of it good, and I’m glad you could make it tonight.”