Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  Kelley: Okay. Are you feeling better now?

  Even through texting, he could hear the concern in Kelley’s voice. That unnerved him. He needed to lighten things up.

  Alex: Yeah, I’m better now. Probably because I ate chips and salsa at 10 am lol

  Kelley: Please tell me that was a joke. CHIPS AND SALSA??

  Alex: Yeah, it’s a yummy snack when I’m working. It’s better than what I do most of the time.

  Kelley: Okay I’ll bite. What do you do most of the time?

  Alex: Not eat. Or rather forget to eat, by the time I realize it it’s lunch time. You do not want to know what I do for lunch.

  Alex knew he was baiting him, but he couldn’t help it. They were finally back on safer ground, and that made him pleased. Besides, that was the part of having a friend he liked. Fun conversation. The kind that didn’t include possible date requests. Alex hoped Kelley was on the same page as he was when it came to the friendship. He seemed okay with not meeting up so far. Kelley didn’t act like a pushy guy. He was definitely that same mother hen, super protective type of guy he had witnessed on occasion when he worked at the firm.

  Alex’s phone started to ring. Hoping to get distracted by work from Kelley he picked up the phone while staring at his to-do list for the day. “Hello, Alex Davidson.”

  “What do you mean you forget to eat? How can someone forget to eat? Doesn’t your stomach growl or rumble or something?”

  Alex was so stunned that it was Kelley calling him and not a client that he couldn’t even speak. His mouth started imitating a fish, and he was sure his brain was malfunctioning. He called? Really? Who did that? It was just food, and Alex was not a kid. He knew the man cared about people, but damn wasn’t that pushing it a bit?

  “What…who do…why are you calling me!?” Okay, it might not have been the most articulate sentence of his life, but damn the man for jumbling his brain with his unpredictable behavior.

  “Because, Alex, you just told me you forget to eat. You’re what, twenty-five, and you forget to eat.” Kelley wasn’t yelling, but he sounded frustrated to say the least.

  “I’ll have you know that I’m twenty-seven. Plus, when I’m concentrating on a project I just lose track of time and well…everything. It’s not like I do it on purpose. I’ve survived this long and brought up a little girl without starving either one of us!” Alex ended that statement on a growl because his frustration with being mothered was apparently hitting a nerve.

  “You’re right, Alex. And from what little you’ve told me she’s a phenomenal child, but this is more about you not being healthy than it is about you not being able to take care of yourself. I’m sorry if I’m coming on too strong. My friends will tell you it’s my flaw, but I guess I just don’t see it that way. I didn’t mean to step on your toes.”

  Damn the man for being so fucking cool and apologetic when all Alex wanted was to be mad and grumpy towards him. That’s probably from my emotions being such a jumble after the episode. But now he couldn’t because he was all cute and sorry. And didn’t that just annoy him to no end? It also made that weird numb, sweaty, floaty sensation come back. Alex had no idea what it all meant. What he did know was that he had to do something to stop both those feelings.

  “Yeah, well, just don’t do it again. You’re my friend now, but that doesn’t mean I need another pushy Ben in my life now or ever.”

  “Again, I’m sorry. That wasn’t how I meant it, but I can see how you’d see it that way. I will strive not to be pushy like Ben.”

  Alex and Kelley had talked about Ben’s constant need to push him to do more than Alex wanted. But again, the fact that he was so calm still made Alex’s anger drain out of him without a thought. Why did the guy, the only one he’d made friends with in years, have to be the one that wasn’t combative with him? That was something Ben couldn’t even manage. He had no time to deal with that. He was wasting precious hours, and his list wouldn’t complete itself.

  “It’s fine. I have buttons that set me off. I’ll try to be better about calmly telling you when you hit one instead of getting so angry. But now I’m drained, and I need to get to work.”

  “Okay, Alex. It was good talking to you again. Have a good day.”

  And just like that Kelley was gone and the apartment was silent once again. And just like every time they texted, Alex felt immediately more alone afterward.

  It’d been a long time since he’d had a friend who was just fun to talk to. Ben was fun, but it seemed to be getting more strained over the years. Like whenever Alex didn’t follow through with whatever idea Ben had they found it harder and harder to get back to that place of ease between them. Having Kelley to talk to without the outside life intruding felt good. Not that he would tell Kelley that because the man didn’t need any more encouragement.

  Alex spent the rest of the Monday working on two of his latest projects. The good thing about the one project was that it was for a website build, creating a logo, and all the marketing materials. He loved those types of projects. Although time-consuming they were able to get his creative juices flowing.

  Before he knew it, it was bedtime. He had a good rest of the day. Even Evie was in a good mood when she’d come home from school, which made them practicing her play that much more fun. He knew she was having a good time with being the king in the play. Even with it only being a small part she put all she could into it.

  Climbing into bed after a long day felt good. He even groaned as he lay down. Thankfully Evie was already asleep by that time, or she’d be pulling out the old man shit again. Just as he picked up his phone to set the alarm for the morning, he noticed a text that came from Kelley on his screen. Simple and sweet.

  Kelley: Goodnight, my Alex :)

  And just like that, the butterflies were back. Alex was confused as to why the words hadn’t caused panic to course through him but there was something safe about Kelley. He made him able to not worry over the smaller things in life and just let his worry go.

  Alex fell asleep with a smile on his face.

  “Good morning, Alex”

  “Kelley. You’re calling me.”

  “Yes, Alex, I am. I’m glad you figured that out.” Kelley couldn’t help but chuckle at Alex’s confused tone. Granted they didn’t talk on the phone all that much but he was trying to gently push for more and that seemed the best way to get it done.

  “Don’t be a smart ass. What the fuck time is it?” He could hear Alex fumbling around through the phone.

  “Are you still in bed?” The thought of Alex warm and soft, cuddled naked in bed was more than he could bear. Who knew if he actually slept naked but in Kelley’s dreams he did.

  “Yeah. Kelley, it’s fucking Sunday and it’s seven in the morning.”

  “Alex, it’s nine a.m., not seven. Look at the clock again.”

  “Oh shit. It’s nine a.m.”

  “Yeah. You getting up, lazy bum?”

  “Yes. Now, go away.” And just like that Alex hung up the phone on him. He was super prickly in the morning when things didn’t go his way, but all it did was make Kelley laugh at how cute he found him when he was like that. Which only made Alex grumpier. Vicious circle.

  But Alex was more than a cute, prickly guy, he was sexy in a way Kelley hadn’t seen in a long time. He wasn’t afraid to think those thoughts anymore, because even without the confirmation from Alex that he was no longer with the boyfriend, he knew he wasn’t the type that would chat like they had if he was in a committed relationship. He knew Alex was single, knew he could pursue him, and maybe finally get him where he wanted him.

  In all the time they’d been mostly texting, not once had Alex mentioned a boyfriend at all. Never once had he heard another voice, besides Evie, in the background no matter the time of day he had on the rare occasion randomly called him. Kelley would ask him at some point, just so he had the verbal confirmation, but it wasn’t something he was worried about. Alex, on the other hand would not be easy to convince to t
ake the chance on them. Kelley had a feeling there was some pain and heartbreak in his past. He knew about his mom, obviously, but he had a feeling there was more than that going on.

  He had made his way from his living room, down the short hallway into the kitchen to make himself one of his favorite breakfast foods. He decided that sweet was what he wanted that morning so instead of eating Sofia’s prepared food he cooked up some of his pumpkin pie oatmeal, put some cranberries on top, and brought the bowl to where his laptop sat on his dining room table.

  Kelley ate his oatmeal while checking his email, finding one from River right at the top. When he’d opened it he almost choked when suddenly his screen was filled with the picture of a very bendy guy doing some meditation or something in the park. Apparently, his friend was a sneaky ninja photographer now. But it wasn’t even the picture that made him shake his head, although the tent in that guy’s shorts was impressive, it was the tagline that River, his very straight friend, had added to the picture, which read, “His big head and little head are one with the universe.”

  Deciding to not even reply to River, since that would only encourage his behavior, Kelley turned back to the task at hand and finished going through his personal email, paid some bills online, then moved onto his work email. He’d finally received the numbers that his team had been working on for the intern expansion and printed it out to go over it himself before even thinking about adding it to his proposal. He trusted his team but it was better to be unquestionably sure since it was his name on the line. Wouldn’t want to give Jason and Theo anymore reasons to be asses about the expansion.

  The rest of his day was spent double checking the numbers, taking numerous breaks to stop his eyes from permanently crossing, he puttered around the house cleaning and picking up things that gathered during the work week, and eating one of the best lunches Sofia had made to date. It was on his last break that he realized how late it had gotten and if he didn’t hurry to get ready he would be late meeting up for dinner with his friends and probably never hear the end of it, especially from Peter.

  Arriving downtown in his luxury sports sedan made things easier than with his pickup truck since the sedan was much smaller and didn’t get as many stares as a big orange truck did. He parked and made his way to the restaurant, thankfully nothing upscale, so he’d worn his dark jeans, brown suede oxfords, and light blue button-up. When he walked inside he could see the guys were here already, except Peter of course, over at the corner booth. It was one of his favorite places for them to gather together because it was casual and had such an eclectic mix of foods.

  As he neared the table, David was the first to see him. “Hey, Kel, how’s your weekend been?”

  As he took his seat next to River he replied, “Good, so far. I’ve just been working.” He turned toward River nodding his head once as he spoke, trying not to smile. “River.”

  With the ever-present smirk planted firmly on his face River replied, “Kelley.”

  “You know you have a terrible sense of humor, right?”

  “I have a great sense of humor and you can’t tell me you didn’t laugh.”

  “Guys, what did he do this time?” David asked.

  “River here sent me an email this morning. Here I was thinking that it was about the new yoga class we had talked about last week. You know, since the subject line stated ‘Stretching’ it seemed like a valid assumption. Oh, but no, what do I open up to?”

  “It was about stretching!” River exclaimed as he was trying not to laugh.

  “I’m not sure I want to know what was in the email, Kelley,” David said with a smile.

  “Well since I’m not the kind of friend that wants to deal with his humor alone, I forwarded you and Peter the email,” Kelley replied with a grin on his face.

  David quickly pulled out his phone and opened his email. When his jaw dropped, River busted out laughing. And with perfect timing, that was when Peter walked up, and sat down at the table. As he passed behind David to take the seat to his left, he had looked down at his phone to see the picture.

  “River, the least you could do is get the man’s number when you sent that picture. It does Kelley here no good without it, except maybe something to add to his spank bank.”

  “Thanks, man. Way to have my back.” Kelley rolled his eyes as he sarcastically replied.

  Peter’s reply was just to grunt at him as he picked up his menu. They all had taken a few minutes to contemplate what they were going to get before the waitress arrived to take their orders. Once that was done they did their normal going around the table catching up on each other’s lives since they last spoke or saw each other. Of course, River took that opportunity to give Peter a hard time.

  “You know what I’ve been doing, it’s called work, River, you might want to try it sometime.” Peter glared at their friend, apparently in an extra grumpy mood that day.

  “Hey, I work hard! Which is why I’m in better shape than all of you. You need to learn to take a break. When’s the last time you went out and had fun?”

  “I went out not that long ago and had dinner with Kelley.”

  “Peter, that was three and a half weeks ago. That’s not ‘not that long ago’ to normal people who do things outside of work all the time.”

  Kelley had hoped that impromptu acceptance of dinner was a sign of things to come, maybe Peter would finally open up, but that ended quickly.

  “Yeah, well goofing off all the time isn’t my thing,” Peter grumbled back at him.

  “It used to be your thing. Don’t you remember the epic parties we used to go to, the fun we had all the time. Shit, we’re not asking you to act like you’re eighteen again but relax and enjoy life.” River was fired up and that speech proved it.

  Kelley knew that Peter could see that as well. Knew that River wasn’t the type to go off halfcocked and venting.

  “I hear your concern, River, but I love my job. Yes, it keeps me busy, but I like busy. I like my life. Please, back off. Besides, how about we nitpick at mama hen Kelley for not dating and ‘living life’ as you say?”

  “I have a life, at least more of one than you.”

  “But you did just say you had been working from home this weekend, Kelley. I think that makes you as bad as Piper over hear.” David finally spoke up.

  “I told you I hate when you call me that,” Peter practically growled at David.

  “Yes, you did, but it’s your name. If you don’t like it, you should change it.”

  Kelley could see that Peter was getting angry over David’s last comment. There was unquestionably more going on with his friend.

  “Okay, guys, let’s back up a step. We’re here to talk and have fun not get at each other’s throats for fuck’s sake.”

  “Yeah, what he said,” River said while gesturing at Peter. “On that note, I don’t think we ever told David how Kelley and Peter met back in college.”

  “Oh, I sense a juicy story that one of you should spill.”

  “No. No one needs to spill anything. It’s a stupid story.”

  “Oh, come on, Peter! Don’t be a party pooper,” River replied.

  “I’ll say one thing. It involves a pickled pepper where pickled peppers don’t belong,” Kelley laughingly added.

  “Kelley! No more,” Peter growled out.

  “Okay, okay, Peter. No more, guys, let’s talk about something else to save the modesty Peter pretends to have.”

  “Well, it’s Kelley’s turn to tell us his shit and I’m hoping his life is more exciting than the two of you.”

  At that statement, all eyes turned to him. He had been wanting to run the situation with Alex across these guys, but now when faced with actually doing it he didn’t know what to say.

  Things were going good. Not as great as he had hoped but they’d managed to push past a lot of Alex’s boundaries, getting them to the point that Alex took his phone calls and even texted him first. Small things but Kelley would take what he could get. Alex had made a g
reat friend and he still was holding out hope for more.

  But he felt like he maybe needed that verbal certainty from him, so that Kelley would know for certain that the boyfriend was out of the picture.

  “There’s not much, really. I’m working extra hard as David knows because I want to expand the department’s intern program within our departments but also within the company, including working with the local LGBT centers to give some of their kids a leg up. But I’ve got these two assholes at the firm who hate everything about it.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been watching Theo, and I can’t seem to figure out his problem other than not liking change. He’s getting slower and slower at his job, and making more and more mistakes. I try to pick up the slack but some stuff still slips through,” David replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

  “I wish you would’ve come to me with this, David. Come to my office tomorrow and we can go over it. He shouldn’t have the job of marketing manager if he can’t manage to do the job.”

  “That’s it? That’s what you’ve been up to for the last month?! What is with you guys? What is the point of being friends with single people if none of you go out and get laid?! Don’t you know I live vicariously through you?” River grumbled out that last sentence.

  David turned to River with a confused expression. “River, you’re single, dumbass!”

  “No, he’s hiding something, aren’t you, Kelley?” Peter was always good at figuring out when he was deflecting.

  It wasn’t like he didn’t want them to know about Alex, it was just that there he was a forty-year-old guy infatuated with a hot young twenty-seven-year-old guy. He wanted to roll his eyes at himself because he was being a bit over-dramatic.

  “I hate that you can do that,” Kelley complained. “But fine, I’ll tell you. I sort of met up with an old employee from the firm by accident the night you, Peter, had dinner with me at Silent Vine. We’ve ended up in this weird friend-not-friend limbo of sorts. I know he considers us friends, and I’m perfectly fine with that, for now, but we don’t see each other. We text a lot, have since the next day after that accidental meet-up and we have the occasional phone call. But that’s it.”