Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  Alex was smiling because he knew how lucky he was to have her. She was the mom every teenager hated to have but you knew she loved you. And he always knew he could talk to her about anything. “Dad and I were good sports about her doing this even though neither of us wanted to be there. Mom had all these pamphlets laid out on the table that had pictures and graphs.” Alex remembered just staring from the table to his mom, back to the table because she had brought visuals. He knew she was always over prepared but pictures? Alex was sure his mouth had fallen open from shock.

  Alex looked across the small table at Evie who was smiling along with him. It was one of the best parts of sharing his memories with her. It got her to smile.

  “So here Dad and I are sitting at the table, those two on one side and I was across from them on the other side, as she starts going through all this stuff about boys and girls and changes in our bodies, then she starts to talk about me with girls. Like kissing and other things you aren’t old enough for me to talk to you about yet and I don’t even ask because there is no way we are having that conversation yet.”

  That had made Evie pout but as smart as she was, Alex wasn’t ready to have that conversation. Especially sitting at the outside table of an ice cream shop with his little eight-year-old sister. Alex’s face was already heating from embarrassment just at the idea of having to have that talk with her one day.

  “It was funny because the longer Mom talked the more Dad looked like he was about to burst! I swear I think his face was as red as mine. Then suddenly Dad turns to Mom and says ‘Lily, the boy is gay! He doesn’t like girls, he likes boys. Can we please stop with this now!?’” Alex was glad to see Evie just as shocked by that as he was at the time, but of course she was also laughing and Alex definitely hadn’t been that day.

  “Oh my god! Daddy really said that? But how did he know?”

  “Yeah, he surprised both of us on that completely. It was funny because Mom was so shocked by what he said she didn’t even notice how shocked I was.” As Alex sat there going between trying to figure out how his dad would’ve found out and the fact that his dad apparently didn’t care, his mom started sputtering and her mouth opening and closing like a fish. “Mom immediately told him he was wrong and that he didn’t know what he was talking about. She really was so sure that if anyone would know what was up with her son it would’ve been her.”

  Alex had been secretly glad that his mom was shocked into what could only be accounted as gibberish while he tried to gather his bearings on the fact that his dad knew and now his mom knew. How did his dad find out? Alex couldn’t remember ever looking at any boy any different that would’ve given him away. Alex had saved those thoughts for when he was alone. He thought he had been careful to hide it. Maybe he really hadn’t been. The only one that knew was Ben, his best friend, and he was still his friend so that was saying something.

  His dad was a manly man, tall and big, loved football and beer, there was no way he would be okay with his son liking boys. But now he didn’t know what to think since his dad seemed fine with it. “Yeah, it took a while but Mom seemed more upset that she hadn’t figured it out but Dad did.”

  “Did Daddy ever to tell you how he knew?”

  “Yeah, apparently, he had overheard me telling Ben about it. Dad and Mom, they were always so open about stuff. It took him years but he finally told me that it was the fear in my voice in telling my best friend and how much they loved me that he knew he would always stand by me. He’d said that nothing was going to take me away.” Alex hadn’t meant to bring the mood down talking about that. It was meant to be a fun and embarrassing story but when he looked back to Evie she was smiling.

  “We had really awesome parents, Alex.” And just like that she once again brought perspective into his life.

  “Yeah, we really did.”

  Thank god, another week gone. Kelley’s week had started off good with his now daily early morning texting conversations with Alex giving him an extra boost for the day ahead but by the end of the week he was beat. Having to deal with Theo and Jason’s constant questions with the intern expansion and still trying to work with Ian on hiring and interviewing the new employees they might need for the next half a year, had not made his job the easiest that week, but he still loved it and refused to give into the stress. If he ran longer and more often, well then that was a consequence he was willing to deal with.

  What he couldn’t understand was why now, after all the years that they’d done the intern program, had Jason and Theo had so many issues with it. Fresh out of college interns, unpaid interns for fuck’s sake, were bursting with creativity and motivation to be in the big bad world of design, along with other departments. And it gave them the perfect time to weed out the bad ones that didn’t fit, whether that is from personality or work ethic. Add giving a leg up to the local LGBT youth it was the perfect idea for the company as a whole, the community, and their image.

  Maybe he needed someone else’s opinion on it, someone younger than him. He’d talked to Alex about his plans for the program last week, but not in depth. It was more how they were doing things now and asking what he thought he got out of the program while he was in it. Kelley was impressed by that conversation with Alex.

  When they spoke of Alex’s work he could hear the passion and love of what he did for a living which only further expanded Kelley’s opinion on the gorgeous man. Not that that was hard to do.

  Come to think of it, it’d been too long since Kelley texted Alex last. Maybe he would send another one of those memes that he found about graphic designers he sent last week. Alex seemed to think that was funny and making him laugh was a new high he wanted to experience again.

  Maybe someday he would experience it in person.

  Meme sent. Now he just had to wait to see what type of reply he would get from Alex. He had really opened up since they’d been talking. After that one hiccup, when Alex got mad at him for pushing, things had evened out and Kelley had learned his lesson. Alex was scared. Whenever it seemed someone showed their concern for him he panicked and lashed out. If he did it in small not so overt ways, it went unnoticed by Alex, but the big things like him pushing about eating set him off quick. It was almost as though Kelley had just flipped a switch that ignited a fire in the guy.

  Kelley didn’t want to be that guy to Alex. Yes, he knew his caring protective ways can sometimes come off wrong to some people but generally he was not a pushy person.

  Alex needed to be more willing to expand his bubble even just a little. Which to Kelley he had since he jumped into a friendship with him that was now going onto three weeks. Yeah, they hadn’t met in person but texting and a couple of phone calls here and there Kelley was sure were big to Alex.

  They texted a lot less on the weekends, and never had actual phone conversations, because between Alex having Evie and his work he’d insisted that the two of them being in constant contact couldn’t happen since he had to give her as much of his attention as he could. Kelley understood what Alex was saying. He didn’t agree technically but he understood that Alex’s whole focus for years had been just on his little sister and her wellbeing. Breaking that would not be easy.

  Alex: LOL I feel like maybe you are starting to make fun of me…

  And there was the bright spot of his Friday. Grinning at his phone like a schoolboy was ridiculous, but Kelley couldn’t bring himself to care.

  Kelley: I would never do that ;)

  Alex: Sure, right. Like I believe that.

  Kelley: I hope your Friday is better than mine

  Alex: Not too bad. Working on my favorite project so that’s a huge plus.

  Kelley: Oh, the big one? ;)

  Alex: Oh my god…did you just turn that sexual?

  Kelley: Would that offend you if I did?

  Alex: Uh…no of course not.

  Kelley: Good, then yes, I turned that sexual. lol

  Alex: SMH anyway what’s so bad about your Friday?

  Kelley: Everyth
ing. Well that’s not true. Just this intern proposal stuff…again

  Alex: Oh shit, those two still at it about the interns?

  Kelley: Oh yeah, except now they are saying they want to shut it down completely.

  Alex: No fucking way. Why?!

  Well that was complicated to answer especially over texting. Maybe he could just do another surprise call.

  Kelley: Can I ask you some questions about my ideas of the program after I explain what their problem is?

  Alex: Sure, ask away.

  Kelley: It would be much easier to do this over the phone. It’s a lot of info to text.

  After waiting for five minutes to pass with still no answer he knew he probably freaked him out again. Pushing against that man’s walls was an almost near constant thing sometimes. Those walls were built from concrete and were ten-feet tall. It would take a lot to get through them but again Kelley was nothing if not persistent.

  Alex finally texted him saying yes to Kelley calling him about the intern stuff. One baby step at a time he was breaking through and Alex was getting more and more brave. Maybe that would mean sooner rather than later they would actually be able to get together.

  Picking up his cell phone and opening contacts he selected Alex. He was kind of excited. Maybe Alex would start to enjoy the phone calls if they had them more often and Kelley would get some feedback from someone he trusted.

  “Hello?” Alex’s cautious voice made Kelley feel bad for convincing the man that it was a good idea but he also knew it was needed. And not just for Kelley. Alex needed it whether he knew it or not.

  “Hi, Alex. Thank you for letting me call you. I’m sure you’re very busy.”

  “No, really it’s…fine. I know how important the intern thing is and what are friends for, right?”

  “Yeah, it is. And that you are willing to go out of your way to help me means a lot, so please don’t minimize it.”

  “Well, you’re welcome. Okay, now explain what those two dingbats are up to.”

  And just like that they talked for an hour about Theo and Jason and all of Kelley’s plans for the program in the short term and long term.

  “Thank you, Alex. I knew I could count on you for your honest input.” And just like he knew he would, Alex was a great help.

  “I loved being a part of that program so anything I can do to help you keep it is a good thing.”

  “How’s the new project going?”

  “I’m having a lot of fun with it. It’s so much work but it’s been really good for getting my creative juices flowing,” Alex replied and Kelley could hear the smile in his voice.

  “Then it must be good. Evie is letting you work then?”

  “Evie is a brat but she knows when I’m in the zone not to be a bother. Mostly.” Alex laughed.

  They joked and laughed and planned. Each one of them jumping from one subject to another rapidly and the other never losing what the other was saying.

  Kelley loved it. Work was one of those things that made Alex forget who he was talking to and in turn he talked. And man, oh man could he talk! He talked fast and constant and was so full of ideas himself that Kelley had jokingly offered him a job back at the firm but that time on his side of the team. And Alex had laughed. That became his new goal to make the handsome guy smile and laugh as often as possible.

  “Kelley, as much fun as it is talking about work all day I really need to get going since Evie will be home and I need to microwave our dinner.”

  “Oh, okay that’s fine. Having leftovers tonight?”

  “Oh no, not at all. We don’t usually keep leftovers.”

  “Then why would you need to microwave your food, Alex?”

  “Because it’s a frozen lasagna and that’s how you cook it, Kelley.”

  “You’re eating a frozen lasagna? Why don’t you just cook one?”

  “Yeah, no that’s not happening. But really, I’ve got to go. I’ll text you tomorrow. Bye.”

  Kelley had still been shaking his head five minutes later at the whole microwave food thing and the fact Alex obviously saw nothing wrong with it.

  Alex knew he’d go to the wedding. He also knew he didn’t want to, which might have been why he had completely forgotten about it until Evie had reminded him. And he didn’t forget on purpose, no matter what the little brat said.

  Being around lots of people just wasn’t something he liked. Maybe it came from years of working from home where his main source of contact with the outside world was phone calls, throwing in the occasional solitary times he worked at the coffee shop. Those did not at all help prepare him for crowded restaurants or wedding halls that had so many people all dressed up and smiling and wanting to talk, talk, talk.

  Why had he let Ben convince him he had to do it? Yeah, David was still a good friend after all those years and he ‘d been a great coworker back then, but “crowded venue good” was a stretch. Alex not being good with call backs or meet-ups hadn’t hurt their friendship because whenever they did speak it was like no time had passed.

  David understood how he worked which in turn made them a phenomenal team. During the time of late nights working on projects they had grown close. They had talked about their college experiences, which for Alex hadn’t been much of one since he’d helped his mom a lot after his dad died. David had told him story after story of parties he went to, lectures he enjoyed, and boys he’d met. Alex had only had Ryan. His life just hadn’t allowed for the normal college experience.

  David knew why he left Vivid. Knew the hurt of the break up that Alex went through. There was no way David would have accepted anything other than the truth from him. So, he told him about the anger he felt towards Ryan and the betrayal and guilt that had festered and lived inside Alex. It was the one and only time he’d spoken about it.

  His mood had turned melancholy and he still had to go to the wedding. That should make it more fun. And standing in his bedroom staring at himself in the mirror did nothing to make him feel better either. He looked like a dork in that get-up. He never had to wear suits, even when meeting clients he just wore slacks and a sweater or button-up shirt, so wearing one was uncomfortable to say the least.

  “Oh, don’t you look handsome!” Evie had come running into his room, jumping about like a bunny on crack. At least one of them was excited.

  “No, I don’t. I look like a dork and totally out of my element with this suit thing.” He hated suits.

  “Oh, you so do! Stop being a brat and say thank you.” Evie shook her head at him like he was an idiot. Maybe he was.

  “Fine. But I don’t have to like it. You can’t make me. Oh, god, that just came out of my mouth, didn’t it?”

  “Yeah, it did.” And there went her trademark Evie-smirk with the added bonus of that stern look in her eyes. Yeah, it was definitely time to leave if they were switching roles.

  “Alright, I’m leaving. Wait, is Ben here yet?”

  “Yup, he got here about five minutes ago, with food for him and me. He even brought dessert and lots of movies for us to watch too!”

  “No more sugar for you. You are unusually bouncy and hyper.”

  “I’m not bouncy. It’s called being happy, Alex. We haven’t seen Ben in a while, and I miss him. I bet you’re just jealous that I get to hang out with him and you don’t!”

  For such a little girl, she was awfully dramatic. It was probably why she loved doing the play so much.

  “I’m glad you get to hang out with him tonight, Evie, and I bet he missed you too.”

  He patted himself down to make sure he had his wallet. He turned to walk out to the living room with Evie on his heels. He grabbed the present off the small entry way table and his keys and continued his path.

  “Hey.” Yeah, Ben was in his stubborn mood. That didn’t bode well.

  “Hey. Thanks for coming to hang out with her while I go to this thing. I appreciate it.”

  “Anytime. I missed our girl.” Ben beamed at Evie.

  His sister
was smart and observant, she would know something was up and Alex wasn’t going to be the one to try to convince her of anything. She wouldn’t believe him if he tried anyway.

  “Alrighty then…I’ll be going now. I’ll text when I am on my way home. If I can help it, I won’t be late.”

  “No rush. Stay, have fun. You deserve it with all the work Evie’s been telling me you’ve been doing lately. Maybe you’ll meet someone.”

  Through gritted teeth, he said thank you, placed the present on the coffee table, and turned to give Evie a hug and kiss. Leaning back, he looked at her, making a funny face to ease his tension about leaving her behind and he got the desired effect when she giggled.

  “Just have fun okay?”

  “Yeah, sweets. I’ll try. No promises though.”

  Grumbling with a small smile on her face Evie replied, “Don’t call me that.”

  Alex had ordered a car service for the drive across the Willamette River to the wedding venue. Thankfully it was a short drive or it would have given him too much time to think about redirecting the car back home or off a cliff. He needed to try, for David and Charlie, to get out of the funk he was in.

  The driver slowed down, turning into the driveway for the venue. The large wrought iron gate bordered by gray walls that were covered with ivy obscured his view at first of the mansion-like structure within.

  Paying for the ride, he stepped out of the town car into a crowd of strangers, milling about. Not seeing a familiar face, he skirted through the sea of people, walked to the heavy wooden door at the entrance that was opened for him by a doorman and entered into a vestibule filled with even more strangers.