Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  He knew Alex was there somewhere because his clothes were still scattered where they fell in their rush to get naked and in bed. There was only one last place to look, the large balcony off his bedroom. It was a place he loved to go for peace and quiet because it faced the back of the house where all the trees were. It was also on a higher level than the other houses with short walls that gave it even more privacy.

  He walked out onto the balcony, under a vine covered trellis where he usually sat when he wanted to feel cocooned from the world. The vines grew up from long planters that paralleled the space.

  He didn’t immediately see Alex, so he walked around the furniture and out onto the greater open area. Over in the far-right corner of the space, Alex was pacing back and forth, wrapped in the throw blanket he always had at the end of his bed.

  Alex was too far away for Kelley to hear what he was mumbling to himself and too far away for him to hear Kelley approach.

  Not wanting to startle Alex he hadn’t called out to him as he walked closer. Kelley had taken the time to study him, figure out what he was dealing with. The man was either regretting what they had done or at the very least trying to talk himself into being okay with it.

  But as Kelley approached, even in the dim light that seeped into the area, he could see the tremble in Alex. His hands and arms were shaking, his legs looked like at any moment they would collapse from under him, and his chest was heaving as he mumbled. Alex’s words grew more coherent as he walked ever closer to him.

  “I can’t let this happen.”

  “What was I thinking?”

  Over and over. As Alex cycled through these words, Kelley felt hurt and confused. He could see that Alex was most likely having a panic attack, something he had seen on a friend back in college. And knew he shouldn’t feel hurt for himself but worry for Alex, but he couldn’t help it.

  But why would Alex hide? Why not just ask him for help? He had to know Kelley cared. Hadn’t he seen that on his face earlier that night? Did Kelley do something to cause it or was it an ongoing issue?

  Kelley had so many questions.

  Kelley approached quietly. Trying to walk in front of Alex so he would see him. He had started to whisper to him to gain his attention.

  “Alex, baby. Can you hear me?” Nothing. His pacing never slowed.

  “Alex.” He tried again a little louder. Still nothing.

  “Baby, can you hear me?” Shit, that wasn’t working! Kelley was getting worried.

  “Baby.” Louder that time.

  And that time Alex stopped, spun around with wide eyes, a heaving chest, his right hand clutched to where his heart was. The throw that he had wrapped around him had slipped off his shoulders as he had been pacing.

  Just as he was about to ask what he could do, Alex started to collapse, his legs finally giving out from under him as Kelley raced the last two feet between them to help break the fall. He reached him just in time to wrap his arms roughly around his shoulders from behind, slowing his fall to the hardwood decking.

  Kelley sat down behind him never unwrapping that broken man from his embrace. “Breathe with me, Alex. In and out. Come on, baby. You can do it. In and out. When I say one, breathe in. When I say two, breathe out.”

  And they sat like that for what seemed like forever with Kelley worried while his heart sat in his stomach. Questions filled his head. Just as a new question raced through his mind, another new one would appear right behind it.

  Kelley wasn’t sure his heart would ever return to normal until he had some answers. Did what they shared cause it? Was it Kelley’s fault? How long had that been going on? What could Kelley do to help him? Was Alex seeing a counselor? Why would Ben push his friend if he knew what Alex was experiencing?

  Kelley made sure to never let any of his worry show on his face or in the steadiness of his voice, that was not something that Alex needed at that point.

  He felt Alex relax a little bit at a time. What felt like an eternity after it started, Alex had gone boneless, leaning completely on Kelley. His breathing had returned to normal. The shaking Kelley had felt run through his body had disappeared. His skin still felt clammy from the sweat that had beaded all along his body during the attack, but nothing a hot shower wouldn’t take care of.

  Even though they had been wrapped up in each other, he stayed silent as a way to give Alex some semblance of space. Knowing that if he had tried to keep Kelley at arm’s length before he was most likely shoring up his emotions now and figuring out what he was going to say.

  Little did he realize that Kelley was not like the other people in his life. He may not push like Ben but he wasn’t going to let Alex avoid that either, he cared too much for that.

  A few more minutes had passed as they sat on the hard decking of the balcony before Alex finally sat forward out of Kelley’s arms. “You want to talk about it?” Kelley asked. Knowing it was not going to be that easy.

  At that Alex, had stood facing away from him still and had leaned on the half-wall that wrapped around the whole balcony, moving the blanket back up around his shoulders.

  Kelley took the time to stand, realizing at the loss of Alex’s body how chilly it was outside at that hour. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, centering himself for what was to come.

  “You know you can talk to me, Alex.” A few moments had passed before Alex spoke.

  “It’s nothing. You don’t need to worry.”

  Kelley wanted to laugh. Not worry? Did Alex know him at all? He worried about everyone he cared for. It was the one thing his friends loved and got annoyed with about him. “Yeah, see, that isn’t going to work.”

  As soon as the words had left his mouth Alex’s body tensed, so visible even in the dim light Kelley had easily spotted it. Waiting for the tongue lashing—not the kind he preferred to be having either—Alex was sure to deliver to him, he crossed his arms, trying to warm himself at least.

  Alex finally turned after about a minute of silence, he looked right at Kelley and spoke; the annoyance coming through loud and clear. “What is it with you? I told you it was nothing, that means it’s nothing. Let. It. Go.”

  “What’s with me is that I care about you and that was anything but nothing. I’ve seen friends go through that. It’s called a panic attack. Are you getting treatment?”

  Anger had flashed across Alex’s face, and his next words were filled with anger. “I do not need treatment! They’re just episodes that happen on occasion. They are not panic attacks. I would know since…never mind. I just know that’s not what they are.”

  “They’ve happened before?” As soon as the question had come out Alex’s eyes had widened just realizing he had accidentally admitted to the attacks happening before.

  “I’m not judging you, Alex. Mental health issues are not something to be ashamed of. If more people were willing to speak and stand up about them the stigma on it would eventually disappear. I’m not perfect so don’t think I haven’t had my troubles in the past.”

  “I…it’s not what you think. I know what panic attacks are because…” His voice growing louder as he finished. “That is not what is wrong with me. It’s just stress. That’s all.”

  “That’s all?”

  Defiance in his voice as he spoke. “Yes, that’s all. Now let it go. It’s nothing I can’t handle. I don’t need yours or anyone’s help.”

  “Okay, Alex. I’ll let it go, for now. But just know if you need me, like tonight or just to talk, please do not hesitate to reach out.”

  “I won’t, don’t worry. I’ve lived a long time taking care of myself and Evie alone. Nothing’s going to change that.”

  Kelley knew the words had been directed at him, to hurt him, make him back off, to try to put him back at arm’s length. He’d admit to the pain of it, but he was made of sterner stuff than that, and his Alex would not succeed in pushing him away so easily.

  “Okay, hot stuff. Let’s go back to bed because it’s fucking cold out here and one of us i
s only standing in his underwear. My dick is not happy.”

  Kelley turned, walking back toward the bedroom to get his ass under the covers. He hadn’t wanted to push Alex, so he waited until he got to the entrance of the trellis before he stopped and turned back to him. Alex still stood there staring at him with his brow furrowed in confusion. “Are you coming back to bed? Because I’ll get a lot warmer a lot faster if you do since you’re all wrapped up in my softest chenille blanket staying all warm and stuff.”

  One beat had passed before Alex had started moving toward him. He could do baby steps.

  As Alex had started to walk by him, he mumbled, “Not my fault you’re a dumbass who came outside in forty-five-degree weather in your damn underwear.”

  As they lay in bed, both taking a bit of time to succumb to sleep, Kelley thought back to everything he had learned about Alex that night. He knew that every two steps they took forward from here on out would most likely have a step back not so far following.

  But he knew deep in his core that Alex was worth the effort if he got his heart and his smile in the end.

  When Alex had woken up that morning, still in Kelley’s bed, he hadn’t been sure what he should’ve been feeling. He knew what he wasn’t feeling, and the lack of those emotions miffed him a little bit. How could Alex have gone from feeling out of control last night to…safe?

  Alex had wanted some time to absorb it all and try to make sense of it, maybe build up his defenses against everything he had felt when he was around Kelley. He wasn’t sure he could spend all day with Kelley and Evie without doing exactly that. The crack that the wall around his heart now carried was in danger of splitting apart if he wasn’t careful.

  Damn the man and his stubbornness! Kelley wasn’t letting him get away with it. It was like he knew what Alex was going to do and was doing his best to stop it. As they stood by the front door of Kelley’s house that morning, it took a thirty-minute conversation with the stubborn, annoying man to combat all his reasons why Kelley going with Alex at that time wasn’t a good idea.

  Finally, in the end, they agreed for Kelley to come over after Evie came home to have an indoor picnic at Alex’s apartment. Kelley hadn’t been upset about it, but he let it go when he realized he wouldn’t win against Alex’s determination, which made Alex sag against the front door in relief. He hadn’t meant to show how relieved he was but there wasn’t much he could’ve done about it anyway.

  Then Kelley stood there staring at Alex with a smile dancing on his lips. Alex didn’t get what was so damn funny.

  “What?”

  “I love when your feathers get ruffled. Your cheeks and the tips of your ears go hot, you huff and bluster, and all I can think about is kissing you until you can’t think.”

  And then he did just that. He kissed him until Alex felt like his bones had liquefied, and all he wanted to do was get his dick back inside Kelley’s mouth to relieve the pressure in his jeans. But he didn’t, he had, somehow, managed to walk out with Kelley still wearing that stupid smile.

  Evie had arrived home shortly after Alex had and proceeded to pester him with questions about his date with Kelley. He hadn’t been comfortable enough to tell her that he had spent the night, but he did tell her what they ate and all about Kelley’s house and beautiful deck outside.

  Now they were setting up the living room for their indoor picnic and “drive-in” theater day they had planned. They had all their typical foods such as chicken fingers and chips and popcorn with plenty of soft drinks, but his sister wanted to include Kelley in the whole process, not just the more fun part.

  Evie called him from Alex’s phone, putting him on speaker phone, and they discussed their options. Kelley insisted they have some fresh veggies and fruits, fresh juice, and green tea. Alex had laughed at him because “hello!” who ate healthy when they went to the damn movies. But Kelley said he would bring the healthier stuff, and they could all indulge on both to even it out.

  As Evie spoke to Kelley, Alex worked to cook all the food they had there already. Apparently, Kelley had been on his way out the door when Evie called, so he gathered the things he needed to bring over, talking to Evie on the phone the whole time. Alex loved his little sister, but he’d have to apologize to Kelley for her talking his ear off the entire time.

  Kelley had arrived, his arms filled with bags and bags of food and drinks that he ended up kicking the front door because he couldn’t reach the doorbell. As he was placing it all out on the kitchen counter for them to sort through, Alex decided he had to ask, “Do you always bring enough food to feed an army when it’s only a platoon worth of people?”

  Kelley had laughed, but had explained that he had always liked to take care of people. “And what better way than feeding them?”

  Alex knew that Kelley liked to think of himself as the one that had to take care of those he cared about, but he had never met someone who lived it. It wasn’t only when friends or family asked for help but all the time. From their many conversations over the last two months, it came out in everything he said and did. He probably hadn’t even realized how often he was acting on the impulse.

  “Hey, Alex, come help me move the furniture so we can lay out the picnic blankets.”

  When he walked into the living room Evie was over on the couch, her legs criss crossed, her smile as big as he’d ever seen it, and piles and piles of movies spread out around her. Kelley had been sitting on the arm of the couch as she named off each movie and telling him what they were about. He was laughing at some of her descriptions, especially the movies she hadn’t wanted them to watch. Alex could admit to himself he liked the sound. It was one of the things about him that made Alex feel light and carefree.

  “If you aren’t careful she’ll go through all those movies, make you think that you are the one choosing, but really she’s using her cuteness to lure you into picking the one that she wants.”

  “Is that what you’re doing, kiddo?” Kelley asked.

  Evie, his sweet little sister, turned to him with a glare that would’ve knocked down any other person, but Alex had watched her grow and changed her diapers, nothing is scarier than that.

  The glare only made Kelley laugh again.

  “How about you watch what you want first then after intermission the next movie your brother can pick?”

  “Alright!” Evie exclaimed with a fist pump to the air.

  Finally, Kelley and Alex moved the TV away from the wall, since they were going to use the projector, pushing one of the couches forward, so they had something to lean against if they wanted. Alex brought out all the food in the living room and started the movie. Alex chose to sit with his back to the couch and Kelley settled beside him.

  He could admit if only to himself, that it was fun. More fun than he had in a very long time. Alex and Evie had done these things regularly since sometimes going out stressed her out more than staying home. Kelley seemed to have the same effect on Evie that he did on Alex, creating a little bubble of fun and light in a world that was filled with stress and darkness.

  They had laughed and made jokes, they ate chips and veggies, all while sitting on a floor covered in picnic blankets. Evie would move from sitting alone to sitting in front of Alex, leaning on him as though he was her chair. And finally, toward the end of the first movie she had gotten up the nerve to do the same to Kelley.

  Alex had wanted to cry. Not because she had moved away from him or chosen Kelley over him but because it always took his sister forever to feel comfortable enough with someone to let them in or get close to someone other than himself and Ben. They both had been through so much in life that they lived cautiously. Kelley had given her the same safe feeling Alex had felt that morning when he had woken up, and as much as he loved that for her, Alex wondered what she would do when Kelley left. Because he would, and Alex couldn’t stop it.

  Thankfully the end of the first movie interrupted his thoughts, and it was intermission time. “Okay, let’s gather our trash and put
it in the can in the kitchen. If anyone wants any refills on drinks, let’s get it now,” Alex instructed.

  They each took the time to get in a bathroom break before they gathered back on their picnic spot to pick the next movie. Before anyone had tried to rope Alex into picking the movie, he suggested Kelley pick it.

  “But we said you’d pick the next one. I’m fine with whatever we watch,” Kelley said.

  “Well, I don’t care either. And we didn’t say anything, you did. Anyway, as the guest, you should pick next.”

  “I insist you do it, Alex. It doesn’t matter that I’m a guest. It’s your house.”

  “Kelley, don’t be ridiculous. It being my house doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Then me being a guest doesn’t either.” Kelley’s smile turned triumphant like he had won. Alex was not going to let that happen, but before he could’ve spoken up, Evie did.

  “You two are so cute!”

  “What?! No. Evie, men are not cute.”

  As soon as the words left his mouth, he had both of their shocked faces directed right at him. “Shit,” Alex whispered.

  “Alex! I thought we talked about this when I got the part of the king,” Evie replied with a bit of anger and disappointment in her tone. If it hadn’t been such a valid point on an important subject, he would’ve joked about her acting like the adult, but really in that, she was one.

  “I’m sorry. That wasn’t how I meant it to sound. What I intended to say is that Kelley and I aren’t cute, we’re grownups and grownups aren’t cute.”

  “I think we’re cute,” Kelley said with a wink and a smirk that made Alex’s face go warm.

  “See, Kelley agrees with me! Oh, I know! Let’s take a selfie on your phone, Alex!”

  Alex had immediately shaken his head when Kelley spoke up, looking right at him with those damn eyes again. “I think we should. It’ll be fun, Alex. And then you’ll have our picture to look at whenever you miss me.”

  Alex might kick him.

  For the next twenty minutes, they took so many damn selfies of different combinations that by the time they finished his fucking cheeks hurt from all the smiling he was made to do. Kelley even managed to get one with his phone, the smug bastard.