Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  Kelley stepped back and led him to the living room. Alex wanted to soak in being back here again, but he wouldn’t allow himself to do that until he knew what was happening with them.

  Alex sat on the couch, but Kelley didn’t sit down. That didn’t seem like a good thing. Kelley was always calm and relaxed, very few times had he seen him so tense.

  “I know I probably should’ve called. You’re probably busy.”

  “Not at all. Yeah, it’s a shock, but it’s okay.”

  “I started therapy a few weeks ago, and first I wanted to tell you how much you being there and caring so much meant to me. If not for you I wouldn’t be where I am right now.”

  “I’ve known about the therapy for a few days, Evie called me. I’m happy for you.” The small smile Kelley had given him at that moment went a long way to curb his nerves.

  “Yeah, I caught her with the phone. She gave me an earful but wouldn’t tell me what you talked about.”

  “Why would you say that you wouldn’t be where you are?”

  How do you tell someone that it’s how much they loved you and them turning everything in your life on its ear without telling them you loved them? “I don’t know how to answer that. You were there just like you promised. You tried your damnedest to get through to me. You…cared.”

  “Yeah, I cared a lot. I never stopped.”

  “That’s…good. I just couldn’t not do something anymore. The answer as to what to say to you to fix the damage I caused hadn’t come, but being here with you feels right.”

  “But sometimes thinking with your brain isn’t the one you need to think with.”

  At that point, him being completely honest was his only option. Alex needed Kelley to know how he felt. “Don’t I know it. All I’ve ever done for years is think with my brain locking my heart and my emotions away. I’ve made some progress. I still have a long way to go but…I’ve thought about us. A lot. But that’s not…I can’t see how not being with you helps me.”

  “Are you saying you want us to be together again?”

  “Yes…I don’t know if I’m…yes. I’ve fucked up with you. I know I have. And I can’t say the road forward is going to be easy, but my life was better with you in it.”

  Kelley sighed, then sat on the chair across from Alex. “Life isn’t easy, and you know I don’t take what you are saying lightly. If you want me, I’ll be there.”

  “Kelley…I need you. I want you in my life. We both do.”

  Kelley got up and sat next to him on the couch. Kelley gently grasped his face between his warm palms, bringing him close. “Alex, I love you. You know that, right?”

  Alex sucked in a breath because in some ways he had known but to hear Kelley say it brought all the emotions to the surface. Damned stupid tears had flooded his eyes, clogged his throat, so all he could do was nod his head. The next thing Alex knew he was wrapped up in those arms that he loved so much. Letting out a breath, he leaned into Kelley, his face buried in his neck, holding on for dear life because he missed that and was damn sure going to make sure he didn’t lose it again.

  Finally getting himself under control, he whispered into Kelley’s neck, “I love you too.”

  “That’s all I’ve wanted to hear, baby. I’ll be here as long as you need.”

  “Yeah? That might be a while. And Evie and I, we are pretty needy people, we might want to keep you close.” Alex couldn’t lift his eyes, couldn’t look into the emerald ones that he loved.

  Kelley pulled back from him, locking eyes with Alex before he spoke. “I think we can do that. I can get pretty needy myself.”

  Now Alex couldn’t look away because Kelley was giving him that smile, the one he only gave to him.

  “You don’t say.” He gave his own in return.

  “I love you, baby.”

  “I love you too.”

  One year, eight months later

  Evie loved her dollhouse. It was huge, taller than her, with big rooms filled with furniture. And nothing was pink. Pink was nice and all but turquoise was her favorite, and black and maybe purple.

  She knew Kelley had bought her the dollhouse to make her feel better about moving into his house but he didn’t need to do that. Evie wanted to move into his house.

  She looked away from her dollhouse over toward all the people out on the deck with her and smiled.

  Yeah, it had been scary and different but she loved Kelley and his house was big and pretty and her room was much bigger than what was at their apartment. Plus, they got her a new bed that had a desk under it with cushiony bench seats. But there wasn’t a yard to play in, so she mainly played on the deck when she wanted to play outside.

  And if they thought about it she’d been coming to Kelley’s house for like years or something. Well, not years but a long time. Alex told her that they waited so long so that she would be comfortable. He told Evie that eight months wasn’t a long time. She thought Alex forgot what it was like to be a kid because eight months was forever. Her brother was always over thinking things. But she loved him as he was, mostly. Okay, except maybe when he was being stubborn. Which was like always.

  Grownups were weird. She just wanted Alex to be happy. He was getting old and it’s not like she’d be around forever. He tried telling her that she could live with them forever but she told him he was crazy because there was no way she wanted to stay with him when she could live by herself and not clean her room. That boy was crazy.

  The day they were moving into Kelley’s, Alex had been constantly nagging her about how she was. Finally, she had asked him if he was okay because he looked like he was going to vomit and no one wanted that because then she’d throw up and since it was his fault she’d make sure it landed on him. Kelley had pulled Alex aside and they’d started whispering to each other, stuff she couldn’t hear which annoyed her because she hated not knowing things. But after that, her brother stopped asking. Kelley was good for Alex.

  “Evie, you want some food?” Alex called over to her.

  “Did you cook it?”

  “Stop being a smartass and get over here, brat!” Alex replied.

  She laughed and started to clean up her dolls, putting everything away in her dollhouse. Alex turned to River who said something to him and started laughing. She liked River, he always made her laugh when he picked on everyone.

  And she liked how often Alex laughed now. He’d been going to a doctor like the one she went to and it seemed to help him be happier. She wished it made him less stubborn but Kelley said they were stuck with him being that way. Evie had been disappointed by the news.

  She’d been upset in the beginning that they couldn’t go to the same doctor, because Dr. Cove was great and then they could play together, but they’d told her that adults had to go to different doctors. Evie thought that if more grownups played like she did the happier they’d be. But she was older now–almost eleven years old–so it was easier to understand that they needed different things to get better.

  She made her way over to the group to get her food. As she passed River he stood and picked her up and swung her around. “Evie!” River yelled like the loon he was. She laughed, of course.

  “River, put her down! She’s gotta eat.”

  “Oh, fine, old man,” River replied, winking at her as he placed her down on the deck. She loved it when he called Alex “old man” like she did.

  Alex was smiling and shaking his head when he handed her a plate filled with her favorites, plus the veggies that Kelley made her eat.

  Charlie and David were there, standing over with Kelley at the grill. They were married and she hoped that someday Alex would get married, mainly because being the flower girl would be fun, but Alex said he was happy with the way things were with him and Kelley. And when Kelley had agreed, Alex had given him that goofy smile, making her giggle. The two of them were all mushy with each other and it made it so easy to pick on her brother. All she had to do was sing k.i.s.s.i.n.g. and he’d get so embarrassed.

/>   Ben was sitting at the table with Peter and his huge plate of food. She had asked where Kinsley was when he got there. He said she was just busy with work, Evie got that because Kelley and Alex worked all the time. Grownups always seemed to do that. Alex said it was because they needed money to pay bills and buy food and all the clothes she kept growing out of. Evie told him he should just go to the bank where all the money was and get some from them so he didn’t have to work so much.

  Kelley said Peter was the worst because he was always working. She even overheard Alex telling Kelley that Peter always looked mad but she thought he just looked sad. She knew what sad felt like, because she’d been sad for a long time. No one ever seemed to notice the looks Peter would give Alex and Kelley or David and Charlie. She saw it because no one paid attention to her when they thought she was playing.

  Evie walked over and sat with Peter since when everyone started to get their food and find a seat he was alone at the other table with Ben. Peter liked her and would tell her funny jokes when they talked. “Hey, Peter.”

  “Hey, Evie.”

  “Whatcha doin’?”

  “Eating. What are you doing?”

  “Eating. Did you know we have cake?”

  “Cake? Who’s that for?”

  “Kelley, silly. It’s his birthday.” She lowered her voice and continued, “He’s forty-two years old!”

  She saw the smile Peter gave her before he quickly hid it away. “You know, I think I knew that.”

  “Yeah, well did you know that Alex and Kelley have a secret?” Evie smiled triumphantly, certain that she was the only one that knew.

  “Really? What’s the secret?”

  “I’ll never tell,” Evie singsonged with a giggle.

  She went back to her food and started eating. Alex and Kelley had told her a long time ago, but that morning they made her promise not to tell anyone since it was a secret. Plus, they wanted to share with their friends at the party themselves. She was fine with that because it didn’t seem like that big of a deal to her which proved her idea that grownups thought weird things. But she did like knowing something the others didn’t.

  “Ben, you still going to the gym eight hundred times a week?” Alex called over.

  “Yeah, old man, you wanna come with me? You could use more muscles.”

  “Hell no! My muscles like part-time work which is why I sit at a desk all day.”

  “Alex, come to my yoga studio. It’s better than all that pumping iron He-Man wants you to do.”

  “No. I’ll pass. Kelley has convinced me on occasion to do yoga at home and there’s a reason why it’s only on occasion.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s he doing to convince you? Naked yoga?” Peter replied with a wink.

  “Oh god, stop!” Alex roared at the same time Evie uttered, “Eww, that’s gross.” Making everyone laugh. After everything died down it was Ben who spoke up first.

  “Alex, what was with the questions about my gym habits?”

  Kelley and Alex exchanged a look and Evie knew what was coming next. She couldn’t contain her excitement. She giggled and clapped while bouncing in her seat, which had everyone looking at her.

  “Okay, now you gotta tell us!” David exclaimed.

  “Okay, we’d been talking about this for a while and about two months ago made the final decision and got the ball rolling.”

  “We haven’t said anything until now because, well, we wanted to keep it to ourselves for a bit,” Kelley added.

  “Wait, are one of you pregnant?” River joked.

  “River, if you want one so bad, go get your own!” Charlie suggested. No sooner were the words out, River’s face blanched of all color making everyone laugh.

  “Not so funny now, huh?” David asked.

  “As fun as this is, just spit it out already!” Peter griped

  “Evie, you want to do the honors?” Alex asked.

  “We’re moving!” Evie shouted. “And we’re going to have a pool and a backyard and Kelley said we can get a dog too!”

  “You told her, what?” Alex sputtered, eyes wide with shock.

  “What? Dogs are cute.”

  “No, dogs take work and they eat stuff like shoes and furniture!”

  “Baby, it’ll be fine. Evie and I will take care of the dog. You don’t have to do a thing.” Alex’s only reply had been an eye roll.

  “Are you two about done now?” Peter asked.

  “Yeah, we’re done. For now.”

  “Why are you moving? You’ve only been living here for a year and there’s only three of you in this huge house.”

  “Peter, you’re right, it is a huge house but it has no backyard or play area for Evie. She’s only ten years old, she needs more than a deck to play on,” Alex replied.

  “I, for one, am happy for you. It’s a big step but it sounds like you’ve thought it out,” Charlie said and David nodded in agreement.

  “Plus, all of our names are going on it so the house is all of ours not just Kelley’s,” Evie added.

  “Yup, sweet girl, it’ll be our family’s home.”

  “Forever, kiddo, right?”

  “Yes, forever.” Evie smiled, looking around at all their friends–family really–even as young as she was, Evie had always known how lucky they were. Not everyone who lost their family got so much back in the end. They found their forever family.

  They were the luckiest people, ever!

  First and foremost, I need to thank my family. My husband who on a daily basis has told me and every person he runs into that would listen across our country how proud of me he is. For every text he sends when I’m stuck, encouraging me to keep going. And for telling me, I’ll be a huge success so he can quit his day job and be home catering to my every need. At least that’s what I heard.

  Luna David, who yelled at me to write this story and calmly talked me through every freakout. Who read every part I sent her and gave me her valuable feedback making me better and better with each word, for the late-night texts about paper plates, and our odd sprinting schedule. But most of all, for Edwin. He gives me life and laughter nearly every day, and sometimes I share him with the public, much to her embarrassment.

  Riley Hart, who probably doesn’t know that the encouragement she gave me one night over dinner at GRL was what had me coming back home and sitting at my computer every day afterward to finish this story that I had once given up on. Thank you for your friendship, for showing me in all your glory how good you can “Push It”, for listening and answering all my questions, but mainly for just being there and being as excited about this venture as I was.

  Devon McCormack, for handing out the tough love and helping me in a lot of little ways to get to this point. I listened to your words at GRL and every one that followed. But no worries, I won’t tell anyone how mushy your big heart is, the secret is safe with me. Oh, and that view from your apartment was gorgeous and hot and holy moly it’s one I will surely never forget. I can see why you’d need binoculars!

  Sheena H., thank you, thank you, thank you for your irreplaceable words after reading this story. I feel lucky every day that we have found each other in this big community and that my sarcasm and wacky personality hasn’t driven you away.

  Annabella Michaels, you are sweet and weird, and you give all you can to a person. I am beyond happy that my bag of dicks and I have the right to call you friend. You helped make Letting Go what it is today, and I am forever grateful. And I’m glad I haven’t driven you to drink…yet.

  For the readers who have taken a chance on me and my story, thank you. There are no words that can tell you what that means to me. I hope you fall in love with this story as much as I did.

  Morningstar Ashley is a transplant from the Yankee-controlled territory of New York, and now finds herself in the heartland of cowboys and longhorns—Texas. Armed with her imagination, wit, and trusty sidekicks in the form of her two crazy kids, devoted dorky husband, big lap dog, and rambunctious cats, Morningstar spends her
time reading the books she loves, crafting her own characters, and arguing the merits of hot chocolate over the bitter brew known as coffee. (Hot chocolate wins, FYI.)

  Morningstar loves graphic design, so much so she returned to school for a degree and regularly tromps her exams and maintains a stellar GPA that occasionally leaves her confounded and pleased. She can while away the hours on new designs, and perfection isn’t too much to hope for when it comes to her art. Her ideal career would be full time artist and author, and so far, she hasn’t come up against anything to stop her on her journey. A fierce and devoted friend, Morningstar tries her best to always be kind, always be learning, and always improving. Giving up isn’t an option, and her greatest talent may be in her ability to convince others not to give up, either.

  After a lifetime of trying to get people to realize her first name wasn’t Ashley, Morningstar decided the best way to settle the debate was to put her name on a book cover. An avid reader and fiction reviewer for the blog and site Diverse Reader, Morningstar harbored a dream to one day join the ranks of her heroes, and she sweeps into the contemporary gay romance genre with her debut novel, LETTING GO. With plans to conquer gay, lesbian and LGBTQA+ romance, Morningstar has her gaze set on the horizon, her determination her own guiding star.

  Saving Sebastian (Custos Securities Series Book 3) by Luna David

  Gideon McCade—weighed down by memories of his previous life as a Navy SEAL and a CIA agent—has blood on his hands. He turns to his BDSM club, Catharsis, and Dominating submissives to get him through the daily grind of civilian life. Knowing his past is too much to inflict on a life partner, he keeps his connections brief and superficial. When his former life comes back to haunt him, his desire for revenge pulls him back into the shadows, darkening his hopes for a future in the light.

  Temporarily sidelining his career as a tattoo artist, Sebastian Phillips works as a composite artist for the local police department. To alleviate the inescapable burden of a congenital medical condition, he immerses himself in his art and seeks the catharsis of submission. But with life weighing heavily on his shoulders and darkness encroaching, he yearns for a contract with a Dominant that sees past the protective barriers he’s erected to the vulnerable submissive within.