by D. Kelly
She motions for me to sit on the couch while taking a sleeping Lucas from my arms and placing him in the baby bouncer. She’s a fucking natural; the kid doesn’t even flinch. If Jake sees her do that he won’t stop until he convinces her to have his baby.
“Daniel, I love you. You are my best friend and I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. Somewhere deep down inside you know that Kate and Mike are through. In that same place, you also know you’re going to eventually forgive her. If it were me, I wouldn’t keep Kate from Lucas, but I would distance myself from her instead. You guys can eventually bridge that gap if you choose to. But if you keep her from Lucas and she’s going to be in his life anyway, well, that’s just cruel. And if there’s one thing you’re not, Daniel, it’s cruel.”
“I’m scared, April. I’m terrified of the anger I have. I’m terrified of what I’m going to do when I see her with Marc. They’re friends like you and I, so seeing them together is inevitable.”
April wraps me into a big hug and when she releases me, she tells me the good news. “Marc left town for a few weeks. I don’t think I’m supposed to know that but I overheard Jess and Kate talking about it when I got there this morning.”
“Did he run from Kate?”
That son of a bitch! If he hurts her, so help me God…
“No, I didn’t get that impression. Just something about a vacation he had planned that he didn’t tell her about. Use this time to calm down, Daniel. Bond with Lucas, just enjoy being a dad, and leave the worrying and the anger for another time, okay?”
April is always the smart one. “Okay.”
April ends up staying here most of the day. She spends a lot of time teaching me endless things about babies. How she can tell the difference between a hungry cry, a diaper change cry, and an attention cry, I’ll never know. They all sound the same to me. Maybe she’s just really good at guessing.
It’s almost six o’ clock by the time she leaves to go home. I loved spending the day with her, I needed that. But now that she’s gone, I realize I’m starving and fully exhausted. Just as I stand to go look for something to eat, there’s a gentle knock on the door. Thankfully, whoever it is knocks softly because I just got Lucas to sleep again.
As I open the door, Kate looks up at me apprehensively.
How the hell did we get here?
“Hi. Do you mind if I come in for a minute?”
She’s afraid I’m going to tell her no; the fear in her eyes is unmistakable.
“It’s your house.” Her shoulders slump and her expression turns into one of defeat as I motion her inside.
“Maybe this was a bad idea. I’m sorry, I’ll go. I just wanted to check on you guys and let you know I made some dinners for you. They’re in the fridge. You just need to heat them up. Don’t worry, I’ll keep my distance.”
Abruptly, she turns to leave and instinctively, I reach out and grab her. “Don’t go yet. I’m sorry. That wasn’t nice.”
She relaxes her body and turns toward me. When I let her go, her eyes are brimming with tears.
Fuck, I hate this!
“Can you stay for a few minutes? I think we need to talk.” I can’t stand being the reason she has tears in her eyes. I’m supposed to protect her from pain, not be the cause of it.
“Of course I can.”
She sits on the far end of the couch, looking a little unsure of herself. Instinct pulls me to sit right next to her but I fight it, instead sitting at the opposite end.
Her eyes dart around the room. “Where’s Lucas?”
“I just put him down in his crib for the first time. I’m hoping he’ll sleep long enough for me to eat and grab a shower.”
She nods but doesn’t respond. Since I asked her to stay I should say something but I’m so focused on how sad she looks it’s hard to talk. Instead, my mind spins trying to think of ways to ease her pain.
“Kate, thank you for putting all this in order today.” She’s shaking her head no because she doesn’t want the credit. “April and Jess told me it was all on your orders. I appreciate it, really. I’m sure it couldn’t have been easy for you.”
“It was easier than you might think. I wanted to do this for you and for your son. He’s adorable and he looks just like you. You’re going to have to beat the girls off of him with a stick.”
I didn’t miss the way her voice caught when she said ‘your son’. My heart aches for her and what she’s going through right now.
Damn it.
“Honesty, Kate. Right?”
She nods affirmatively. “Always, Daniel. No matter what, I’d never lie to you.”
Honesty.
I love you.
I’m angry with you.
I can’t live without you.
But I can’t live with you.
Honesty is way too overrated.
“Do you want to be a part of Lucas’s life even if you’re not a part of mine?”
She flinches as if I’ve slapped her but doesn’t hesitate in responding. “I’d like to be,” she answers quietly, “but I’d rather be a part of both of your lives, even if it’s only as a friend.”
An uncomfortable silence falls between us and she finally stands to leave.
“Kate, I’m lost here and I need time. There’s no way I can tell you for sure I can get past what happened with Marc. Not because I can’t forgive you. There’s nothing to forgive. You weren’t mine and you weren’t wearing my ring. But because you should have been and it should have never happened.”
Tears are running down her face and all I want to do is kiss them away.
“Marc was bound to happen eventually, Daniel. I’m sorry if that hurts you, but it’s the truth. I don’t regret what happened with him but I absolutely regret how it’s affected our relationship.”
I think I’d convinced myself that she did regret it, but hearing her say she doesn’t is probably what triggers my next words to fly out of my mouth the way that they do.
“I don’t think I can be with you while you’re still friends with him. And I would never ask you to choose because that isn’t my place, but knowing he’s been with you intimately kills me. Did you even use a condom with him, Kate? Or did you just trust him, too?” My words are laced with venom and it’s exactly why I was afraid of seeing her.
“I don’t even know how to respond to that, but yes, we did use a condom. If you can’t get over it then maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s best we just cut our losses while we still can. I won’t choose you over him or him over you. It happened and it’s not going to happen again. Whether you choose to believe it or not is up to you. Eventually, maybe enough time will pass that you can let it go enough to be my friend. I’ve got to go, but I’ll send Jess and Connor over to heat up dinner for you and keep an eye on Lucas so you can shower.”
She stalks to the door and as her hand grasps the doorknob, I call out to her, “Kate, wait a second.”
She pauses but doesn’t turn to look at me.
“You can spend as much time with Lucas as you want. I know you love him already, but for now, let’s keep our contact to a minimum.”
Her shoulders slump but she nods, acknowledging my request.
“Not because I don’t want to see you, Kate, but because I’ve got to do this in my own time. I wasn’t kidding when I said I needed baby steps. Our friendship is very important to me and getting it back on solid ground is going to be a rocky road but I’m willing to walk it…at my own pace.”
She muffles a cry, flings the door open, and flees. Within minutes, Jess is here heating up food and telling me to take a shower. By the time I’m showered and calm, Jess has changed Lucas and is feeding him in the nursery. She doesn’t look up at me but she acknowledges my presence.
“You two make me so freaking sad, Daniel. If you could see what we all see you’d know that nothing on this earth could keep Kate from loving you. Whatever happened here tonight destroyed whatever faith she had left, so if you were trying to end things for good you a
bsolutely succeeded. Go eat. Connor’s waiting for you downstairs.”
Connor is sitting at the table next to a plate of food and a beer that matches the one he’s drinking. I’m not even hungry anymore but I take a seat and down the beer in a few gulps.
“You really fucked up, you know that?” Connor questions me accusingly.
“I’m not the one who lost faith and fucked someone else,” I retort like a petulant child.
“Maybe not, but you did just have a baby with your ex. Even with that, she still wanted to try to work things out. It doesn’t matter now. I’m pretty sure you’ve lost her for good. Kate wanted to make sure you had this back. I hope you’re happy with yourself.”
In his hand is her promise ring and I’m instinctively shaking my head no. I don’t want that back; it’s hers.
“You’ve made your choice, Daniel. She doesn’t need reminders of you giving her false hope. If you want her to have this ring you can go give it back to her. I’m out.” He places the ring on the table and quietly leaves.
In all my life I don’t think I’ve ever seen Connor as pissed off as he is right now. My emotions have been put to the test these past few days in a way they never have before. I’m mentally and physically exhausted; I just don’t know what to feel anymore. By the time Jess comes downstairs, I’m crying as if I’ve lost my best friend, but in a way I guess I have.
Surprisingly, Jess pulls me until I’m standing and gives me a hug.
“This pain you’re feeling is just the beginning. Trust me, I watched Kate go through it when Mike left. Does it hurt to the depths of your soul? I imagine it does…you’re both hurting needlessly. Take the energy you’re expending on your anger and redirect it. Use it to start healing your relationship instead. Don’t let this go too far, Daniel. Fix it while you still can. She loves you but she won’t wait forever. Not again.”
She places a kiss on my cheek and lets herself out, closing the door quietly behind her.
What the fuck just happened?
Kate
When I woke up this morning, I was in the middle of a Jess and Connor sandwich and thanked my lucky stars for friends like them. After showering and having my morning coffee, I felt better. Jess and Connor had already left for school by the time I came downstairs and thankfully the only class I had today was cancelled by my teacher. The semester is almost over and finals are about five weeks away. My GPA is still good but I’ve been neglecting my studies and need to remedy that.
Starting now.
I’ve got everything I need set up for an all-day study session and am doing my best not to think about Daniel. I talked to Vanessa this morning and she seems to be doing better. She even said the doctor thinks she’ll be home by the weekend. Hearing that news lightened my mood a bit. Lucas needs his mom around. The ringing of my phone pulls me from my thoughts. My heart leaps into my chest hoping it’s Daniel calling to talk but it’s just Mike.
“Hey, Mike, what’s going on?”
“Just calling to check in on you and to ask you for a huge favor.” He sounds stressed out.
“I’m fine, just getting ready to study for finals.”
“You’re deflecting,” he accuses me, and he’s right. “How about I take you to dinner tomorrow and you can deflect all you want in person?”
I can hear the smile in his tone and relax. “Sure, that sounds nice. So, what about this favor?”
“You’re the only one home today and I need Daniel to come into the office for a meeting. I tried to get it rescheduled but they’re demanding we meet with them today. I wouldn’t ask, but it’s a supplier and…”
He needs me to babysit.
“Mike, it’s okay, I can do it. I’d love to spend some time with Lucas. Why didn’t Daniel call me himself?” Not like I don’t already know the answer but I want to hear Mike’s take on it.
“Because he’s stubborn and feels like an ass. If you were trying to make a point by giving him the ring back I think you might have succeeded.”
I can’t stop myself from laughing. “The only point I was trying to make is that I’m not going to wait for him and I don’t belong to him.”
Only my heart does.
“So you’re moving on?” His tone is laced with confusion.
“No, Mike, I’m not, at least not yet. The ring was symbolic. As long as I had it, in the back of his mind he could just assume I would be here for him whenever he decides he’s ready. I’m not sure how long I’ll wait or what this process will be, but he was acting like a jerk and he needed to know there’s an expiration date on this.”
“All good points,” he replies thoughtfully.
“I’m sorry I hurt him, I truly am. But he also has to realize this isn’t what I signed up for, either. I love Lucas and would never deny him, but… he does change the dynamic of our relationship. Daniel isn’t the only one dealing with unexpected changes.”
“If Daniel asked you tomorrow to marry him, would you?”
That’s an odd question.
“Yes, I would. Regardless of our current issues, he’s the one, Mike.”
I hate saying that to him.
“Good,” he replies happily. “You guys aren’t a completely lost cause after all. Now get over there and watch Lucas for a few hours. I need Daniel here in less than an hour.”
“Yes, sir,” I respond jokingly.
He growls at me in reply, “If we’re not going to be together, Kate, please don’t call me sir. You have no idea what it does to me.”
I’m at a temporary loss for words and in the deep recesses of my mind wish I could have had alpha Mike a time or two.
I finally manage to squeak out, “Okay.”
In a very serious tone he replies, “Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow, Kate.”
Damn, it’s not that I question my choice, but at times like these, I really wish Daniel and I were on better terms.
After gathering my books—even though I know I’m not going to get much studying done—and the garage door opener, I head next door. My stomach is full of butterflies but I just keep reminding myself that I’m doing him a favor and he’s not going to be a jerk to me this time. I know he’s lashing out because he’s hurt, but there’s only so much I’ll take. I’m not his personal punching bag.
Daniel opens the door before I knock and waves me inside. Lucas is asleep in the swing in the corner, sucking away on his pacifier. He’s absolutely precious and I feel my biological clock start ticking away.
“He just ate about fifteen minutes ago and I changed his diaper right before he went down,” Daniel tells me nervously as he paces the floor. “This is stupid I should just cancel.”
He’s adorably paranoid and I’m sure it’s got more to do with me than it does with him leaving Lucas.
“Daniel, it’s fine. We’ll be fine. Go do what you need to. You need a break. I’ve got this. After your meeting, go see Vanessa, or go to the gym, take a drive, whatever you need to clear your thoughts and get a short break. The only thing I had on my schedule today was studying anyway.”
His beautiful brown eyes meet mine and I’m suddenly very nervous. “I’m sorry, Kate. Last night…”
“Last night was last night. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.”
He reaches for my hand and pulls me to him. I inhale deeply. God I’ve missed him.
“I’m not fine. I’m anything but. Can we talk when I get back? I promise I’ll try and act like a grown up this time.”
“Sure,” I reply as he releases me.
He glances at Lucas one last time and walks out the door. I snap a few pictures of Lucas on my phone and send them over to Vanessa. Poor thing. I can only imagine how much she must miss him.
The day passes without incident. Daniel got held up and won’t be home until around dinner time. This is good for him. I know working isn’t really a break but with all that’s happened in his life this past week, even just a few hours away from life has to help clear his mind a bit.
Lucas to
ok two pretty decent naps so I was able to get a good amount of studying done. I love babies but I haven’t really been around any since before I lost Lila Hope. I think I was blocking that part of myself off, hoping to avoid any residual pain. There’s no pain now. Maybe it’s the time that’s passed or maybe I was worried for nothing. The only thing I feel for this little boy in my arms is pure love and adoration. He’s already got me wrapped around his little fingers.
Today I got to bathe him, feed him, comfort him, and just love on him. I feel like my heart has grown exponentially in the few short hours I’ve been here. His eyes are already changing to his daddy’s caramel brown; he’s going to be such a heartbreaker when he grows up. After putting him in his jammies and reading him Goodnight Moon, we had a little chat. Well, I chatted and he looked up at me with his big brown eyes as if he understood everything I said.
“Lucas, your daddy is a stubborn man but he loves you with his whole heart. That’s a big reason why I fell in love with him, you know. I think he’s the first person I’ve ever met that emanates love from his pores. It’s pretty special to be able to love like that. It’s almost like having a superpower. I hope it’s a trait that gets passed down to you. Between your daddy’s capability for love and your mommy’s concern for the happiness of everyone around her, you’re going to be one empathetic little man.”
We continue our conversation as we move from the couch to the glider. “Empathy is a good thing for a man to have. It might actually be the sexiest trait you can possess. Your Uncle Connor is a good example of that. You could learn a lot from him. Don’t tell anyone I said so, but I think you’ll learn the most from your Uncle Mike. Out of all the people I know and love, except for your daddy, he’s the one I treasure the most. But if he ever starts to talk to you about the alphabet, you just close your ears. You’ll never be old enough to hear that.”
Shaking my head I laugh to myself as Lucas yawns. “Soon, your mommy will be home with your daddy Chad and they are going to love on you so much. I know this has got to be confusing for you, not having her here, but your daddy is taking really good care of you. I wish things were different and we were doing this with you together, but for now we’ll both be here for you, just at different times. Just don’t ever forget how much your Auntie Kate loves you.”