by D. Kelly
My eyes cloud with tears and I place a soft kiss on his forehead. God I love the scent of babies. After a few more minutes of rocking, he falls asleep just as Daniel crosses the room, looking at me with a curious gleam in his eyes. I never even heard him come in; I wonder how long he’s been home. Daniel takes Lucas from my arms and places him in the baby wedge in his crib. After turning on the baby monitor, he takes my hand and leads me downstairs.
The table is filled with Chinese food containers, silverware, and a couple bottles of water.
“Dinner?” he asks apprehensively.
“Sure,” I answer, taking a seat.
We eat in silence for a few minutes, but I’ve already decided that after last night, I’m letting him take the lead on this. While we’re eating, I notice how exhausted he really looks and how much sadness is in his eyes. I hate knowing I’m the one who made him so sad. As his eyes meet mine, he reaches across the table and takes my hand in his. My body immediately responds to his touch and I hate it because he doesn’t want me like that.
“I’m sorry I was such an ass last night. Somehow you manage to bring out the best and the worst in me. Why did you send Connor over with your ring, Kate? That’s your ring. That’s why it was in your jewelry box.”
My heart clenches in my chest but I know I have to be strong.
“You want to work up to being friends, right? Baby steps the whole way.”
“Yes, I do.”
My heart races but I resolve to stay firm and even toned.
“I can do that. I’d never want to lose your friendship, Daniel. But you’ve made it very clear there’s no going back. There’s too much anger and resentment for you to move past it. It’s going to be difficult enough for us to keep our friendship intact.”
He releases my hand and slumps back in his chair, running his hands through his hair.
“It’s okay, Daniel, I get it. But I locked away my heart and soul waiting for Mike while recovering from Lila Hope, until I met you. If I kept that ring, there would be a big part of me that would hope it meant we would find our way back to each other. I won’t do that to myself again, I can’t hang on to false hope.”
“Kate, it’s not like that. I want you to have that ring.”
Anger flashes through me and I narrow my eyes at him. “Well, I don’t want that ring unless it comes with everything you promised when you gave it to me. You’re not the only one going through this, Daniel. I’m right here with you! I’m not going to run to Mike and I’m sure the hell not going to run off with Marc! Do you even see him around? No!”
He jumps up out of his chair. “Because he’s on vacation! Not because you don’t want to see him!”
“Are you kidding me with this? You are so infuriating! If I want to see Marc, I’ll see him, but all I want to do is to make things right with you! I know you never thought you’d have to deal with me being with another man and I’m sorry about that. But I never thought I’d have to deal with you having a baby with someone else! A baby, Daniel. A beautiful little boy who looks so much like his daddy and it kills me inside.”
I’m sobbing but I don’t care, and suddenly, Daniel is looking at me as if I’m going to shatter and that pisses me off even more because he still thinks I’m fragile.
“This is why I gave you the ring back. We’re at an impasse. I’m here, Daniel. Right here and my heart is open wide to you and to Lucas. Regardless of what you think, I never gave up on you. I fucked Marc. I fucked him, Daniel, and it was hot, and passionate, and raw.
He flinches and grips his hands into fists. Good. He needs to get mad so maybe he can get over it.
“That’s it, though. It was just sex. I’m not in love with Marc. He doesn’t set my soul on fire. Marc doesn’t fill me in all the ways that matter. Only you can do that, Daniel…only you.”
My tone softens and he relaxes a bit.
“You said you would fight for us but you’re the one giving up. I’m still here with my heart wide open. This is all you, Daniel. If you can’t get past what happened and let me in then there is nothing to fight for. Giving you the ring back is my first step in letting go.”
“Kate…”
He’s choked up and I know he’ll cry if he speaks.
“It’s okay, Daniel. It’s a process. I get that and I’m not rushing off to be with anyone else. The only person I want in my life is you. Maybe someday we’ll get to that place again where you want me to wear your ring. Maybe not, only time will tell. But I’ll tell you what I won’t do. I won’t wait forever. Not again. I can’t ever go down that path again. It almost killed me when it happened with Mike, but with you…it would likely break me completely. You have no idea how deeply in love with you I really am. None.”
As I turn to leave, he finally asks the question I knew was coming. “If you’re so in love with me how could you fuck him?” The anguish in his voice tears me apart inside.
“Because the second I saw you with Vanessa, something inside me broke deep down in a place that I never even knew existed. That pain was awful and I just wanted something, anything, to make it go away. And if that pain is anything like what you’re feeling right now, I’m sorry, you don’t deserve to feel that way. If you could just let down your guard long enough to feel how much I love you and how much this hurts me, too, you’d never doubt my love for you. Not for a single second.”
The air is filled with silence, neither of us moving until Lucas’s cries are coming through the monitor.
“I’ll see you later, Daniel.”
“Kate,” he calls out as I’m closing the door behind me.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for watching Lucas and spending time with him.” His tone is sincere and I melt a little.
“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for that little boy…or for his dad.”
When I get home, Jess is in the process of opening a bottle of wine. She has impeccable timing. She also has good best friend radar because she doesn’t even ask if I want any; she just hands me a glass.
“So how did it go?” she asks cautiously.
“It went,” I tell her as I plop down onto the couch, curling my legs beneath me.
“That bad, huh?”
“Lucas was an angel, but Daniel…”
“He’s still hurting, too, Kate,” she says as she pats my hand in consolation. “But can I ask you a question while we’re on the subject?”
“Of course. You know you can ask me anything, Jess.”
“Well, I’m just curious why you picked Daniel and when you actually knew you would? Did you always know? Did Mike even have a chance?”
I’m not surprised at her question; I think she’s wondered about this for a while.
“It was a culmination of things, I guess. At first, I really didn’t know what to do. I love them both, and Mike coming back turned my world upside down and inside out.”
“Obviously,” she snorts out and I slap her arm playfully in response.
“Anyway, Daniel’s mom said I needed to choose. Not in a ‘you need to pick my son way’ but in a ‘you need to be true to yourself way’ so I followed her advice and wrote it down in my journal and then cried the rest of the night.”
Jess takes my free hand and squeezes it. “Were you worried you picked the wrong guy?”
“No, not at all. I was just worried about hurting Mike. Ultimately, I realized something really important. I would trust Mike with my life, but I’ll never trust him with my heart. I’ll always love him in a way that I’ll never love anyone else. I’m so happy I get to have him as a part of my life. I finally feel complete again.”
“I’m so confused,” she says and her expression shows it.
“Losing Mike and Lila Hope left my heart in shreds and Daniel came in and stitched it back together one piece at a time. He did such a good job there was only a tiny place left where I needed closure. Except, it wasn’t even closure that I needed; I needed to be healed in a way only Mike could heal me. And he did. He sealed th
at final place with enough friendship and love to last a lifetime. I’ve never felt more like ‘me’ than I have since Mike came back. I needed that. I needed to be whole again and I needed him to get there. I also think he needed me to get there, too.”
Jess refills our glasses but still looks confused. God love her, but sometimes she’s a little dense. “So if Mike is so much of this equation, why do you still want Daniel?”
“Because, Jess, he loves me in spite of my faults. Daniel only knows how to love with every single bit of his soul and it radiates into me and wraps me into this tight cocoon of safety and love. When I thought I lost him that night with Vanessa, I lost my shit.”
She snickers. “Maybe, but you got the best sex of your life out of it.”
I contemplate that for a minute before replying, “No, I didn’t. I thought I did, but really I got the hottest forbidden sex of my life. Marc has always been something I wanted and couldn’t have. I lashed out and I got it. That wasn’t fair to any of us. Especially now that I know he has deeper feelings for me that I can never reciprocate. Unequivocally, the best sex of my life has been with Daniel. The feeling that comes from a man loving you with everything he has to give is euphoric.”
“What’s wrong, Jess?” She looks sad.
“I’m just wondering if I’ll ever have that kind of love.”
Where is this coming from?
“What about Connor?”
She looks up at me and shakes her head. “I’m not sure but I think I need a break to figure that out.”
Oh no, here we go again.
“Jess, he loves you, and you are not your mother. You can let yourself fall in love with someone and even get married without divorcing them a few months later.”
“Yeah, I know, but I don’t feel for Connor what you feel for Daniel. Shouldn’t that be a sign? Don’t get me wrong, this relationship is working, but I don’t know if it’s got long term status written in its future.” This really doesn’t surprise me, even though I wish it did. Neither of them have ever opened themselves up to love before.
“I don’t know, Jess. I never felt this before Daniel. I thought Mike was everything in the world I could have ever wanted, and had we never parted, we’d be happily married by now. It could be that you’re so afraid of what could happen if you let him in, you’d rather push him away. Talk to him about this and see how he’s feeling. It’s the only way you’ll know for sure.”
She’s crying now so I know this is affecting her more than she’s letting on. Fucking Chloe! I swear her mother embedded more issues in Jess than should even be possible considering how little she was around in the first place.
“It’ll be okay, Jess. No matter what, I’m here for you, and we have more than enough wine.”
That elicits a laugh from her, and we spend the next few hours talking and catching up. I’ve really missed her. Later, when I’m in bed, my phone dings and I hope against hope it’s Daniel wanting to talk. When I open it, an adorable photo of Lucas in his jammies pops up with the caption ‘Goodnight Auntie Kate, I love you’ and my heart melts.
It’s not Daniel but it’s close enough. I type out my response quickly and hit send before I can second-guess myself. ‘Goodnight, Lucas. I love you and your daddy, too, with all my heart.’ I don’t get a reply but I don’t need one. He needs baby steps to be my friend but I’m taking baby steps to be so much more.
The next night, Mike takes me to dinner as promised and of all places to go, he takes me to the Saddle Ranch Chop House on the Sunset Strip. It’s one of our favorite places and it’s been years since I’ve been here.
“Do you come here a lot?” I ask him as the waiter walks us to our table.
“Nope, not since the last time I was here with you. Some places are just sacred, you know?” He shrugs but there’s a twinkle in his eyes. He’s up to something.
“Yeah, I know how that is. Kind of like our beach.”
“Exactly.” He turns to the waiter. “Can we get two waters and two Bull Fighters? Thanks.”
Oh hell, I know what he’s up to now.
“Two Bull Fighters?”
He laughs at me. “Well, normally, you know I wouldn’t drink something that girly but I did promise you when you turned twenty-one that I would drink Bull Fighters with you and ride that damn bull.”
Thank God I wore jeans tonight.
“Mike, you don’t have to do this…”
He flashes me a brilliant smile. “I don’t have to do anything, Katie Grace, but there are certain promises we made that I can still fulfill. Albeit late, but better than never.”
How is it possible to adore someone so much and yet still be in love with another?
Both of us order the prime rib and Mike swiftly orders me another drink.
He’s trying to get me drunk.
He knows I’d have to be to get on that bull.
As we continue to watch the bull riders, my nerves increase in intensity. It’s obvious from the smirk on his face he’s picked up on how nervous I am and he’s enjoying it. “Relax, Kate. It’s just a ride. I’ll even go first if it will make you feel better.”
“It’s like a sex fest over there! Why don’t I remember it being so sexual before?”
Mike laughs hard. “Maybe because we weren’t that sexual back then? Or maybe because people are a little more open with their sexuality now? Or maybe it’s because we know how to let our freak flags fly now,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows at me.
Hmmm, maybe.
“Look at all the lurkers. As soon as I get off I’m going to get accosted.” Mikes laughing even harder, and I immediately catch my error. “I mean get off of the bull. Mind out of the gutter, Matthews.”
He raises his hands like he’s backing off. “Hey now, I can’t help where my mind goes. Besides, you totally walked into that one.” Pure happiness radiates from him and I have to admit it’s contagious.
“If it will make you feel better, I’ll be your pseudo boyfriend for ten minutes, okay? That should be long enough to save both of our sexual virtues from the horny pack of bull riders.”
“That’s a great idea! Once we finish, though, I want s’mores.”
He holds out his hand to me and nods. “S’mores sound good. They’ll sober you up a little, too.”
It’s crowded, but since it’s a weeknight, it’s not nearly as packed as usual. Since I’m about to lose my bull riding virginity I’m thankful for the slightly smaller crowd. As promised, Mike goes first but the ride operator isn’t as gentle on the men and he flies off pretty quickly. I think he might have wacked his balls against the hand hold on his way down. He winces a bit as he gets up.
“You okay?” I ask him, giggling, but I’m truly worried about his man parts.
He pulls me in close, his breath caressing my ear. I’m holding my breath as he whispers, “I think my baby makers are broken.” I laugh as he places a kiss on my cheek. “Good luck, baby, now go ride that bull like you’d ride me.”
He says it loud enough for everyone to hear and if I thought I was going to go deaf from the music before that was nothing compared to the whooping and hollering of the crowd. Of course the ride operator uses it to his advantage “What’s your girl’s name?” he yells across to Mike.
There’s a devious gleam in Mike’s eyes as he replies “Jessica, but all her good friends call her Jess.” He nods that he’s got it and after I’m straddled onto the bull, he holds nothing back.
“Alright, everyone, let’s hear it for our new friend Jess! Now, we all heard her boyfriend tell her to ride our bull like she rides him at home, so I think we’re in for a show.”
My cheeks were already flushed from the alcohol, my palms sweaty from nerves, but the embarrassment zinging through me makes my entire body burn. I catch Mike out of the corner of my eyes, laughing and shrugging his shoulders in a semi apology. At least he had the decency to not give my real name.
The bull starts off nice and slow, periodically gyrating a few times in a f
orward motion, but I’m able to hold on with just one hand. I don’t really know how long this goes on, maybe a minute or so, when I hear the announcer tell Mike over the PA system that he’s a lucky man. At this point, he’s done being nice and the bull starts bucking around like crazy. I’m able to hold it together for about another thirty seconds or so before I go flying off.
Someone helps me to my feet and I stumble over to Mike as the crowd starts chanting ‘kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss’.
Hell, at this point what does it matter? Mike’s eyes seek permission from mine as I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close. He kisses me and the crowd goes wild. It’s just like the kiss we shared in my bed a few days ago—a little more than just friends, but not exactly like lovers. Whatever it is, I allow myself to feel it and the crowd cheers their approval.
Once we’re back at the table, I’m a little speechless but that’s not an issue; Mike is on a roll.
“Who knew being your ten minute boyfriend would be so exciting?” I roll my eyes at him as he continues, “We even got to role play, Kate. You’ve got to admit that was kind of hot.” Then the bastard winks at me.
“You’ve been hanging out with Connor way too much.” Even though I want to be serious, I can’t contain my laughter.
“Oh, come on, Kate, you’re wink worthy and you know it. As a matter of fact, I’d say you’re very aware of your sexuality since you asked me to be your pseudo boyfriend.”
I’m blushing furiously and Mike is enjoying the hell out of it. “It’s pretty hot, actually. I mean ,you’ve always been hot but who knew what a sexual vixen you were going to turn out to be.”
“You’re being stupid,” I tell him as I shake my head.
“No, I’m being honest. You’re breathtaking, Kate, and I will kick myself for the rest of my life for losing you to my best friend. He’s a lucky bastard and he better get his head out of his ass soon or I really will try and win you back.”