by D. Kelly
One last request. Don’t grieve too long. Remember me with happiness but move on with your lives. It goes too quickly to dwell on what can’t be changed. Trust me, I know that better than most. My love to you all.
Until we meet again (not anytime soon),
Vanessa
Ugly cry. They call it that for a reason and that’s exactly what I’m doing right now. She should be here with her baby and I should be with Lila Hope and my mom.
It’s not fair.
It’s just NOT FAIR.
I’m overcome with the need to see Lucas so I try and choke back my sobs and walk across to his room. He looks like an angel sleeping so peacefully in his crib.
“Oh God, Lucas, I'm so sorry,” I whisper to him through my tears. Vanessa was so excited for him, for the changes to come in her life. She should be standing here with him right now.
Not me.
NOT ME.
My chest heaves painfully as I try to hold in my sobs. He's lost so much—he’s too young to have this kind of reality. I know it well since I’ve walked this road he's on now, too.
"I wish it would have been me. If I could switch places with her I would, sweetie. I’d do it in a heartbeat. For you, for your daddy, for Chad, but especially for your mommy."
The sob I was holding back finally escapes me. A loud, strangled, wounded animal, war cry of a sob, but by some miracle, Lucas remains sleeping soundly.
"NO!" Daniel says irately as he strides into the room, looking as alpha male as I’ve ever seen. Gone are the traces of sadness in his face. All I see right now is anger, or perhaps annoyance. He glances down at Lucas to check on him and then grabs my arm and pulls me from the room. Forget annoyance; he’s definitely angry with me.
Once we're out in the hall, he brings his hands to my face and tenderly wipes away my tears. This is new. All traces of the anger from just a minute ago have vanished. His face is now filled with…love?
"Don't ever say that, Kate. You can't wish it was you. Not ever. This is an awful reality we're facing but we'll get through it. We’ll all get through it. But, Kate, if you weren't here it would be an impossible reality. I've been so angry with you but I’m trying hard to let it go. If this has taught me anything it’s that our lives can change in a fleeting second. I miss Vanessa so much, and it hurts terribly. But I’ve realized I’d be lost without you. I’m trying like hell to let that anger go, so I can love you and worship you. You deserve to be worshipped and loved every day, baby."
He’s cupping my face so gently. My heart races, and hope blooms inside it and fills it for the first time in months. His face inches closer to mine and he places one soft, heart-stopping kiss on my lips and then pulls away. A single tear falls from my eye and he brushes it away with his thumb.
"Baby steps, Kate. But not to friendship…baby steps to love. It’s not okay for you to wish you could switch places with Vanessa. My life doesn't work without you in it and I need you now more than ever before. Promise you’ll give me the time I need to get there."
I’m nodding my head in whole-hearted agreement. “I promise.” This is a promise I’ll never break. I’ll give him as much time as he needs. My lips are on fire from his kiss and my heart is bursting with hope.
Maybe things really will be okay.
“Can you explain why you’re so worked up? Was it Chad? Did he say something to upset you?”
I love seeing how concerned he is about me, even if it is misguided.
“No, he gave me a letter,” I say as I lead him into the bedroom. The letter is still lying open at the foot of the bed. He nods with a knowing look on his face.
“I was wondering if you got one, too.”
“Too?” I ask and wonder who else got one.
“Yes. Chad, myself, and Lucas all got one. Lucas will get his from the attorney when he turns eighteen.”
“She really did know she was going to die, didn’t she? That must have been so scary and sad for her.” A piece of my heart breaks knowing what she must have been feeling but was too afraid to say.
“She was being prepared. I’m happy she was because now I have an inkling of what she would want. And Lucas has something from her, something tangible that he can hold on to.”
Like my mom and me—another eerie similarity.
“Would you like to read it?” I ask him, holding out the pages.
For a few minutes he’s silent, really thinking over what I just asked him.
“You don’t mind?” he finally spits out and I smile.
“Not at all. I’m sure your letter may have said something similar but if not, this is definitely need to know information, even if I’m not sure what to do with it yet.”
My mind has been spinning since reading the words and continues to spin as Daniel reads them as well. By the time he finishes he’s breathing heavily, almost as if he’s run a marathon. Finally, he looks up at me and smiles.
“Well, I’d say you don’t have a choice, Kate. Dying woman’s wish and all. Regardless of our status, Vanessa wants you to be Lucas’s mom.”
His words are tender and wrap around my soul. “I don’t know if I can do that, Daniel,” I whisper, crying once again.
He takes my hand in his and gently squeezes it. “You can and you will. Even if it’s just baby steps all the way. My little boy needs you, Kate, and so do I.” He said the words and he sounds like he even means them.
“Do you mind if I stay here tonight?” I ask and he looks relieved.
I don’t think he wanted to stay here alone. Especially not in Vanessa’s room, in her bed, but we will because I know that’s what she would want. It’s early but I’m exhausted, so I climb into the bed and curl up with a pillow. Daniel hesitates, not sure of what to do
“Stay with me, please? Clothes on, but you’ve got to be just as tired as I am, if not more so.”
He nods his agreement, opens the door all the way, and climbs in bed next to me. At first he doesn’t touch me, but at some point during the night I wake up wrapped in his arms.
Now it’s two days later and I’m sitting in a church about to listen to Chad give Vanessa’s eulogy. It’s going to be heartbreaking, no doubt. Thank God for Kleenex. I’m seated between Jess and Connor and Mike is with Daniel. Jake and April are here but decided to sit in the back of the church with Lucas in case he gets fussy so they can take him outside without Daniel having to deal with him, too.
Chad steps up to the podium. He’s wearing a suit and looks nice but that’s only his exterior. His face tells a different story. There are big black bags under his eyes and his eyes themselves are completely bloodshot, his cheeks tearstained, and his shoulders slump in defeat. I hope Vanessa knew how much he truly loved her.
There aren’t really many people here besides his parents, one of his friends, and all of us. We did rally the family and all the parents are here, too. Well, in honesty, they rallied us and insisted on being here for us all. It’s a nice feeling to have so many people around who care. We’re going to make sure Chad feels it, too. He’s one of us now, whether he likes it or not.
After clearing his throat a few times, Chad finally speaks.
“Vanessa Ryan was, unequivocally, the love of my life. We met the summer before high school and stayed inseparable until my second year of college. Even then, we lived together until this past year. Over the past few months, we talked a lot about how we drifted, and the people we became during that time. Neither of us was proud of how we acted, of how we let everyday life get between our love for each other.”
Chad pauses and wipes away a few tears. He swallows a few times and then steadies himself by clutching on to the podium. I quickly glance around and there isn’t a dry eye in the church.
“We figured out that we ultimately became better people because of our time apart and our love grew even stronger because we knew what it was like to be without each other. When Vanessa told me she was pregnant, I was there for her, but internally I was freaking out. Something about her having
a baby with someone else didn’t compute. I foolishly lashed out, hoping to hurt her and asked my girlfriend at the time to marry me. I honestly never thought she would say yes. When she did, I just went with it. That was probably the biggest mistake of my life after letting her slip away the first time. I never wanted anyone other than Vanessa to wear my ring.
It wasn’t until we were in separate houses that I realized how much in love with her I still was. And why wouldn’t I be? She had overcome a horrible childhood, never having been loved by anyone until me, and yet…she still had a smile for me every time I saw her. I knew pretty quickly after Vanessa moved out I would do anything to win her back. I broke up with my fiancée and groveled. It worked and I couldn’t have been happier. I just wish with all my heart that Lucas had been ours so I would still have a piece of us with me every day. And Vanessa knew I would wish that because she knew me better than anyone. She left a few of us letters. I’d like to read you an excerpt from mine.
“I know you’re wishing now more than ever that Lucas was ours. You’ll never understand how sorry I am that we didn’t get to have that part of our lives. But I’ll never regret Lucas and I know you won’t, either, because we’re both already head over heels in love with him. Sometimes, I think I know you better than you know yourself. I know you’re going to pull back and have a more ‘uncle’ type role in his life instead of a ‘father’ one. That’s okay with me if that’s what you want. But I need you to be in his life, Chad. You need to be his constant link to me. I know Daniel and Kate will do an amazing job as his parents, and as much as I love them, they don’t really know me. Only you do. You know me, Chad. I’m pulling the dead girl card here. It’s my dying wish that you make sure my son knows me. All of me (at age appropriate times, of course). You’re the only person in the world who can do this job, so I’m counting on you.
Don’t take away from Kate being his mom; she doesn’t deserve to be made second place. But if I know Kate, she’ll tell Lucas early on about his birth mom. You’re going to be the one who lets him get to know her. And in turn, he’ll get to know us—you and me, Chad. That was the greatest love story of my life. You were my one true love. Thank you for that. Thank you for loving me and showing me what unconditional love felt like.”
Chad pauses as his shoulders shake. He bows his head and tries unsuccessfully to hold in his sobs. After a few moments and a lot of tears, he proceeds.
“When Vanessa came to me three weeks ago with four letters, I instinctively knew what they were. She said ‘just in case’ and I just nodded because I knew that ‘just in case’ would never come. Each letter was designed with her final wishes and personal thoughts she wanted us to have. I’ll cherish this letter forever and I’m so glad I know her wishes for me. I’m not sure I will…” He looks down at the paper and then back up at us. “And I’m quoting her here ‘move on and find the girl I was meant to have my happily ever with.’
He pauses again, endless tears now falling from his eyes and I’m so focused on him I don’t even notice my own, not until Jess wipes them away with a tissue.
“Vanessa was the girl who was supposed to be my happily ever after. Maybe someday I’ll meet someone else. As a matter of fact, I’m sure I will. I’m sure she’ll be wonderful and amazing and I’ll love her with all my heart because I’ll know Vanessa sent her to me. And I’m sure we will live happily and have kids of our own but my ever after, that belongs to only one girl, Vanessa Ryan.”
Chad stands a little taller and his eyes suddenly grow a little brighter. “I know some of you might still have a little hesitation toward believing all the good things about Vanessa. Over the next fifty years or so, I’m looking forward to sharing the real Vanessa with you guys. As I teach Lucas about his mom, I’ll teach you guys, too. You deserve to know the girl I knew, the woman I loved with all my heart. I’m so thankful Lucas is here and there’s a piece of Vanessa left on this planet. It’s as if I haven’t fully lost her and I will always have a special place in my world for him. Vanessa didn’t have a good childhood. In fact, she had it worse than anyone I’ve ever known. She left Lucas in good hands. With all of us looking out for him there’s no way he’ll ever have to grow up the way she did. All Lucas will ever know is unconditional love. And that is the way it should be.”
When Chad steps down from the podium, he looks a little bit stronger, more self-assured. My sobs are slowly subsiding even though my tears are freely flowing. That was beautiful. It reminds me so much of Mike and me. But just as we’ve moved on, Chad will, too. As I turn to check on Daniel, I see Mike is looking at me, also crying. He is thinking the same thing, I know it, and I’m once again fully overcome with thankfulness that he’s still in my life. Daniel seems to be doing okay but he now has Lucas and is passing him to Chad. Chad places a kiss on his head and the sight warms my soul. We’re all going to be okay, Chad is going to take his rightful place in Lucas’s life as Godfather. I make a mental note to talk to Daniel about a christening immediately. There’s no time to waste; you never know when your time might be up.
After the service, we all head over to the burial site. Mike picked up some fresh gardenias this morning so we could leave them for Lila Hope. It’s just a small and quick graveside service but with all our friends and loved ones here, I feel the need to speak. When the minister asks if anyone would like to say something, I stand. It’s now that I notice none of Vanessa’s friends from work came to the graveside, only our extended family and Chad’s. That makes this a little bit easier.
“Most of you know Mike and I had a daughter, Lila Hope. This is her grave,” I say, pointing next to me and then I point behind me. “And this is where her Grandpa Grant is buried.”
Deep breath in and exhale.
“Grant and Lila died within a few short months of each other and between Claire and myself we bought most of this side of the cemetery. It’s comforting to me to be able to come and talk to Grant and Lila at the same time. This is a place for family and Vanessa was our family. I’m so happy knowing she’s going to be here with my little girl watching over her. Vanessa also left me a letter.” I’m trying to choke down the lump in my throat. “In the letter she asked me to be Lucas’s new mommy.”
There are some audible gasps from my friends. Daniel is the only person other than Chad I talked to about the letter.
“And in her letter she told me she would be watching over Lila Hope. That brings me more comfort than you can possibly imagine. I asked Chad to bury her here before I even knew about her letter, but it just confirmed what I already knew. Vanessa deserves to be here with her family, where she belongs.”
After I take my seat, we watch as Vanessa is lowered into the ground. There’s not a dry eye anywhere.
Mike and I agreed before the service that it was time for me to introduce Daniel to Lila Hope. Chad also wants to say his own private goodbyes to Vanessa so I ask him if he can give us just a quick minute. This is something I know all too well that he needs to do. Mike takes Lucas and guides everyone back toward the cars, giving us some time alone. Gently taking Daniel’s hand, I lead him over to Lila Hope. He hasn’t said much today at all, I think he’s really overwhelmed by it all.
After placing a kiss on my palm and holding it against her headstone, I then kneel down and place the flowers at the base. I do the same routine every time I come. I don’t know why, but it helps me cope. Maybe it’s because it’s the only routine I ever got to have with her.
“Daniel, this is my daughter, Lila, and Lila, this is Daniel. He’s your brother Lucas’s daddy and I know you already know all about Lucas because his mommy Vanessa is up there with you, taking care of you and your grandparents now.”
Daniel looks like he’s at an even bigger loss for words. There are mixed emotions playing across his features and I know this must be hard for him.
“You don’t have to say anything. I know she’s not really here. It’s just comforting for me to be able to talk to her in some capacity, so this is usually where I
do it.”
Daniel pulls my hand to his lips and kisses it gently. Then he drops my hand and pulls me to his side and clears his throat. “It’s very nice to meet you, Lila. Your mommy and daddy have told me all about you. I’m sure Vanessa will tell you all about me, too. Just know I’m going to be here taking care of them for a very long time.”
My eyes swell with tears as Daniel pulls me into his embrace and places a kiss on my forehead. My body screams out in longing for his but this is neither the time nor the place for any of that. As we step away, Chad takes his place on the ground and starts talking to Vanessa. I consider staying, but his parents are here waiting for him. We’ll see him back at the house soon enough.
On the drive home, I spend the ride thinking. The past two days have gone by in a haze as we all just put one foot in front of the other, gearing up for today. I’ve only been focusing on two things: the funeral, and what I should do about Vanessa’s final wishes for me to be a mom to Lucas. Finally, I decided there was nothing to do but embrace the fact that she chose me. I love that little boy already and knowing Vanessa trusted me to help fill her role makes me smile. I’m sure when we get back there are going to be lots of questions about Vanessa’s last wishes. Everyone is coming back to my house for a small gathering. Maryanne picked up some sandwich platters and snack trays, so it should all be low key and ready to go.
The limo pulls up and everyone climbs out except for Daniel, so I stay behind to make sure he’s okay. My eyes meet his and he takes my hand.
“I love you, Kate. With all of my heart. We’ve only been apart two months but it feels like two years. Every day that passes without you in my arms is a day we can’t get back.”
He leans forward and pulls me to him. His hands weave into my hair, pulling my mouth to his by the back of my head. When his lips meet mine I moan in ecstasy, and when he parts them with his tongue so gently, a tear falls from my eye. And when his tongue greets mine in an X-rated hello, I’m lost. Daniel sets the pace; he’s making love to my mouth with his and my body responds instantly. My panties are wet, my nipples are hard, and if I had it my way I would take him right here, right now, over and over again. When he pulls away, he looks up at me and his vulnerability is all I see. All his defenses are down; he’s finally letting me in.