The Eternal Adam and other stories

by Jules Vernes

  The fruits did not lag behind the vegetables. It required two persons to eat a strawberry, and four to consume a pear. The grapes also attained the enormous proportions of those so well depicted by Poussin in his Return of the Envoys to the Promised Land.

  It was the same with the flowers: immense violets spread the most penetrating perfumes through the air; exaggerated roses shone with the brightest colours; lilies formed, in a few days, impenetrable copses; geraniums, daisies, camellias, rhododendrons, invaded the garden walks, and stifled each other. And the tulips, – those dear liliaceous plants so dear to the Flemish heart, – what emotion they must have caused to their zealous cultivators! The worthy Van Bistrom nearly fell over backwards, one day, on seeing in his garden an enormous ‘Tulipa gesneriana’, a gigantic monster, whose cup afforded space to a nest for a whole family of robins!

  The entire town flocked to see this floral phenomenon, and renamed it the ‘Tulipa quiquendonia’.

  But alas! if these plants, these fruits, these flowers, grew visibly to the naked eye, if all the vegetables insisted on assuming colossal proportions, if the brilliancy of their colours and perfume intoxicated the smell and the sight, they quickly withered. The air which they absorbed rapidly exhausted them, and they soon died, faded, and dried up.

  Such was the fate of the famous tulip, which, after several days of splendour, became emaciated, and fell lifeless.

  It was soon the same with the domestic animals, from the house-dog to the stable pig, from the canary in its cage to the turkey of the back-court. It must be said that in ordinary times these animals were not less phlegmatic than their masters. The dogs and cats vegetated rather than lived. They never betrayed a wag of pleasure nor a snarl of wrath. Their tails moved no more than if they had been made of bronze. Such a thing as a bite or scratch from any of them had not been known from time immemorial. As for mad dogs, they were looked upon as imaginary beasts, like the griffins and the rest in the menagerie of the apocalypse.

  But what a change had taken place in a few months, the smallest incidents of which we are trying to reproduce! Dogs and cats began to show teeth and claws. Several executions had taken place after reiterated offences. A horse was seen, for the first time, to take his bit in his teeth and rush through the streets of Quiquendone; an ox was observed to precipitate itself, with lowered horns, upon one of his herd; an ass was seen to turn himself over, with his legs in the air, in the Place Saint Ernuph, and bray as ass never brayed before; a sheep, actually a sheep, defended valiantly the cutlets within him from the butcher’s knife.

  Van Tricasse, the burgomaster, was forced to make police regulations concerning the domestic animals, as, seized with lunacy, they rendered the streets of Quiquendone unsafe.

  But alas! if the animals were mad, the men were scarcely less so. No age was spared by the scourge. Babies soon became quite insupportable, though till now so easy to bring up; and for the first time Honoré

  Syntax, the judge, was obliged to apply the rod to his youthful offspring.

  There was a kind of insurrection at the high school, and the dictionaries became formidable missiles in the classes. The scholars would not submit to be shut in, and, besides, the infection took the teachers themselves, who overwhelmed the boys and girls with extravagant tasks and punishments.

  Another strange phenomenon occurred. All these Quiquendonians. so sober before, whose chief food had been whipped creams, committed wild excesses in their eating and drinking. Their usual regimen no longer sufficed. Each stomach was transformed into a gulf, and it became necessary to fill this gulf by the most energetic means. The consumption of the town was trebled. Instead of two repasts they had six. Many cases of indigestion were reported. The Counsellor Niklausse could not satisfy his hunger. Van Tricasse found it impossible to assuage his thirst, and remained in a state of rabid semi-intoxication.

  In short, the most alarming symptoms manifested themselves and increased from day to day. Drunken people staggered in the streets, and these were often citizens of high position.

  Dominique Custos, the physician, had plenty to do with the heartburns, inflammations, and nervous affections, which proved to what a strange degree the nerves of the people had been irritated.

  There were daily quarrels and altercations in the once deserted but now crowded streets of Quiquendone; for nobody could any longer stay at home. It was necessary to establish a new police force to control the disturbers of the public peace. A prison-cage was established in the Town Hall, and speedily became full, night and day of refractory offenders. Commissary Passauf was in despair.

  A marriage was concluded in less than two months, – such a thing had never been seen before. Yes, the son of Rupp, the schoolmaster, wedded the daughter of Augustine de Rovere, and that fifty-seven days only after he had petitioned for her hand and heart!

  Other marriages were decided upon, which, in old times, would have remained in doubt and discussion for years. The burgomaster perceived that his own daughter, the charming Suzel, was escaping from his hands.

  As for dear Tatanémance, she had dared to sound Commissary Passauf on the subject of a union, which seemed to her to combine every element of happiness, fortune, honour, youth!

  At last, – to reach the depths of abomination, – a duel took place! Yes, a duel with pistols – horse-pistols – at seventy-five paces, with ball-cartridges. And between whom? Our readers will never believe!

  Between M. Frantz Niklausse, the gentle angler, and young Simon Collaert, the wealthy banker’s son.

  And the cause of this duel was the burgomaster’s daughter, for whom Simon discovered himself to be fired with passion, and whom he refused to yield to the claims of an audacious rival!

  11

  In which the Quiquendonians adopt a heroic resolution

  We have seen to what a deplorable condition the people of Quiquendone were reduced. Their heads were in a ferment. They no longer knew or recognised themselves. The most peaceable citizens had become quarrelsome. If you looked at them askance, they would speedily send you a challenge. Some let their moustaches grow, and several – the most belligerent – curled them up at the ends.

  This being their condition, the administration of the town and the maintenance of order in the streets became difficult tasks, for the government had not been organised for such a state of things. The burgomaster – that worthy Van Tricasse whom we have seen so placid, so dull, so incapable of coming to any decision – the burgomaster became intractable. His house resounded with the sharpness of his voice. He made twenty decisions a day, scolding his officials, and himself enforcing the regulations of his administration.

  Ah, what a change! The amiable and tranquil mansion of the burgomaster, that good Flemish home – where was its former calm? What changes had taken place in your household economy! Madame Van Tricasse had become acrid, whimsical, harsh. Her husband sometimes succeeded in drowning her voice by talking louder than she, but could not silence her. The petulant humour of this worthy dame was excited by everything. Nothing went right. The servants offended her every moment. Tatanémance, her sister-in-law, who was not less irritable, replied sharply to her. M. Van Tricasse naturally supported Lotchè, his servant, as is the case in all good households; and this permanently exasperated Madame, who constantly disputed, discussed, and made scenes with her husband.

  ‘What on earth is the matter with us?’ cried the unhappy burgomaster. ‘What is this fire that is devouring us? Are we possessed with the devil? Ah, Madame Van Tricasse, Madame Van Tricasse, you will end by making me die before you, and thus violate all the traditions of the family!’

  The reader will not have forgotten the strange custom by which M. Van Tricasse would become a widower and marry again, so as not to break the chain of descent.

  Meanwhile, this disposition of all minds produced other curious effects worthy of note. This excitement, the cause of which has so far escaped us, brought about unexpected physiological changes. Talents, hitherto unrecognised,
betrayed themselves. Aptitudes were suddenly revealed. Artists, before commonplace, displayed new ability. Politicians and authors arose. Orators proved themselves equal to the most arduous debates, and on every question inflamed audiences which were quite ready to be inflamed. From the sessions of the council, this movement spread to the public political meetings, and a club was formed at Quiquendone; whilst twenty newspapers, the Quiquendone Signal, the Quiquendone Impartial, the Quiquendone Radical, and so on, written in an inflammatory style, raised the most important questions.

  But what about? you will ask. Apropos of everything, and of nothing; apropos of the Oudenarde tower, which was falling, and which some wished to pull down, and others to prop up; apropos of the police regulations issued by the council, which some obstinate citizens threatened to resist; apropos of the sweeping of the gutters, repairing the sewers, and so on. Nor did the enraged orators confine themselves to the internal administration of the town. Carried on by the current they went further, and essayed to plunge their fellow-citizens into the hazards of war.

  Quiquendone had had for 800 or 900 years a casus belli of the best quality; but she had preciously laid it up like a relic, and there had seemed some probability that it would become effete, and no longer serviceable.

  This was what had given rise to the casus belli.

  It is not generally known that Quiquendone, in this cosy corner of Flanders, lies next to the little town of Virgamen. The territories of the two communities are contiguous.

  Well, in 1185, some time before Count Baldwin’s departure to the Crusades, a Virgamen cow – not a cow belonging to a citizen, but a cow which was common property, let it be observed – audaciously ventured to pasture on the territory of Quiquendone. This unfortunate beast had scarcely eaten three mouthfuls; but the offence, the abuse, the crime – whatever you will – was committed and duly indicted, for the magistrates, at that time, had already begun to know how to write.

  ‘We will take revenge at the proper moment,’ said simply Natalis Van Tricasse, the thirty-second predecessor of the burgomaster of this story, ‘and the Virgamenians will lose nothing by waiting. ‘

  The Virgamenians were forewarned. They waited thinking, without doubt, that the remembrance of the offence would fade away with the lapse of time; and really, for several centuries, they lived on good terms with their neighbours of Quiquendone.

  But they counted without their hosts, or rather without this strange epidemic, which, radically changing the character of the Quiquendonians, aroused their dormant vengeance.

  It was at the club of the Rue Monstrelet that the truculent orator Schut, abruptly introducing the subject to his hearers, inflamed them with the expressions and metaphors used on such occasions. He recalled the offence, the injury which had been done to Quiquendone, and which a nation ‘jealous of its rights’ could not admit as a precedent; he showed the insult to be still existing, the wound still bleeding; he spoke of certain special head-shakings on the part of the people of Virgamen, which indicated in what degree of contempt they regarded the people of Quiquendone; he appealed to his fellow-citizens, who, unconsciously perhaps, had supported this mortal insult for long centuries; he adjured the ‘children of the ancient town’ to have no other purpose than to obtain a substantial reparation. And, lastly, he made an appeal to ‘all the living energies of the nation’!

  With what enthusiasm these words, so new to Quiquendonian ears, were greeted, may be surmised, but cannot be told. All the auditors rose, and with extended arms demanded war with loud cries. Never had the Advocate Schut achieved such a success, and it must be avowed that his triumphs were not few.

  The burgomaster, the counsellor, all the notabilities present at this memorable meeting, would have vainly attempted to resist the popular outburst. Besides, they had no desire to do so, and cried as loud, if not louder, than the rest, —

  ‘To the frontier! To the frontier!’

  As the frontier was but three kilometres from the walls of Quiquendone, it is certain that the Virgamenians ran a real danger, for they might easily be invaded without having had time to look about them.

  Meanwhile, Josse Lietfrinck, the worthy chemist, who alone had preserved his senses on this grave occasion, tried to make his fellow-citizens comprehend that guns, cannon, and generals were equally wanting to their design.

  They replied to him, not without many impatient gestures, that these generals, cannons, and guns would be improvised; that the right and love of country sufficed, and rendered a people irresistible.

  Hereupon the burgomaster himself came forward, and in a sublime harangue made short work of those pusillanimous people who disguise their fear under a veil of prudence, which veil he tore off with a patriotic hand.

  At this sally it seemed as if the hall would fall in under the applause.

  The vote was eagerly demanded, and was taken amid acclamations.

  The cries of ‘To Virgamen! to Virgamen!’ redoubled.

  The burgomaster then took it upon himself to put the armies in motion, and in the name of the town he promised the honours of a triumph, such as was given in the times of the Romans to that one of its generals who should return victorious.

  Meanwhile, Josse Lietfrinck, who was an obstinate fellow, and did not regard himself as beaten, though he really had been, insisted on making another observation. He wished to remark that the triumph was only accorded at Rome to those victorious generals who had killed 5,000 of the enemy.

  ‘Well, well!’ cried the meeting deliriously.

  ‘And as the population of the town of Virgamen consists of but 3,575 inhabitants, it would be difficult, unless the same person was killed several times -’

  But they did not let the luckless logician finish, and he was turned out, hustled and bruised.

  ‘Citizens,’ said Pulmacher the grocer, who usually sold groceries by retail, ‘whatever this cowardly apothecary may have said, I engage by myself to kill 5,000 Virgamenians, if you will accept my services!’

  ‘Five thousand five hundred!’ cried a yet more resolute patriot.

  ‘Six thousand six hundred!’ retorted the grocer.

  ‘Seven thousand!’ cried Jean Orbideck, the confectioner of the Rue Hemling, who was on the road to a fortune by making whipped creams.

  ‘Adjudged!’ exclaimed the Burgomaster Van Tricasse, on finding that no one else rose on the bid.

  And this was how Jean Orbideck the confectioner became general-in-chief of the forces of Quiquendone.

  12

  In which Ygène, the assistant, gives a reasonable piece of advice, which is eagerly rejected by Doctor Ox

  ‘Well, master,’ said Ygène next day, as he poured the pails of sulphuric acid into the troughs of the great battery.

  ‘Well,’ resumed Doctor Ox, ‘was I not right? See to what not only the physical developments of a whole nation, but its morality, its dignity, its talents, its political sense, have come! It is only a question of molecules. ‘

  ‘No doubt; but -’

  ‘But -’

  ‘Do you not think that matters have gone far enough, and that these poor devils should not be excited beyond measure?’

  ‘No, no!’ cried the doctor; ‘no! I will go on to the end!’

  ‘As you will, master; the experiment, however, seems to me conclusive, and I think it time to -’

  ‘To -’

  ‘To close the valve. ‘

  ‘You’d better!’ cried Doctor Ox. ‘If you attempt it. I’ll throttle you!’

  13

  in which it is once more proved that by taking high ground all human littleness may be overlooked

  ‘You say?’ asked the Burgomaster Van Tricasse of the Counsellor Niklausse.

  ‘I say that this war is necessary,’ replied Niklausse, firmly, ‘and that the time has come to avenge this insult. ‘

  ‘Well, I repeat to you,’ replied the burgomaster, tartly, ‘that if the people of Quiquendone do not profit by this occasion to vindicate their rights, they
will be unworthy of their name. ‘

  ‘And as for me, I maintain that we ought, without delay, to collect our forces and lead them to the front. ‘

  ‘Really, monsieur, really!’ replied Van Tricasse. ‘And do you speak thus to me?’

  ‘To yourself, Monsieur the burgomaster; and you shall hear the truth, unwelcome as it may be. ‘

  ‘And you shall hear it yourself, counsellor,’ returned Van Tricasse in a passion, ‘for it will come better from my mouth than from yours! Yes, monsieur, yes, any delay would be dishonourable. The town of Quiquendone has waited 900 years for the moment to take its revenge, and whatever you may say, whether it pleases you or not, we shall march upon the enemy. ‘

  ‘Ah, you take it thus!’ replied Niklausse harshly. ‘Very well, monsieur, we will march without you, if it does not please you to go. ‘

  ‘A burgomaster’s place is in the front rank, monsieur!’

  ‘And that of a counsellor also, monsieur. ‘

  ‘You insult me by thwarting all my wishes,’ cried the burgomaster, whose fists seemed likely to hit out before long.

  ‘And you insult me equally by doubting my patriotism,’ cried Niklausse, who was equally ready for a tussle.

  ‘I tell you, monsieur, that the army of Quiquendone shall be put in motion within two days!’

  ‘And I repeat to you, monsieur, that forty-eight hours shall not pass before we shall have marched upon the enemy!’

  It is easy to see, from this fragment of conversation, that the two speakers supported exactly the same idea. Both wished for hostilities; but as their excitement disposed them to altercation, Niklausse would not listen to Van Tricasse, nor Van Tricasse to Niklausse. Had they been of contrary opinions on this grave question, had the burgomaster favoured war and the counsellor insisted on peace, the quarrel would not have been more violent. These two old friends gazed fiercely at each other. By the quickened beating of their hearts, their red faces, their contracted pupils, the trembling of their muscles, their harsh voices, it might be conjectured that they were ready to come to blows.