by Rosie Clarke
Rory nodded. ‘Your friend told me what it’s like on the wards. I didn’t realise what a good job you were doin’ – I’m really sorry I behaved like a spoiled kid in London.’
‘It’s all right,’ she assured him and hugged his arm. ‘I know what you went through, love. I felt rotten about quarrelling with you over it – but I feel as if I’m needed here.’
‘I need you too, don’t forget that,’ Rory whispered close to her hair. ‘I love you, Molly. I really do. You’ll see how much next week…’
‘I can’t wait,’ she said and kissed him again. ‘You’re so special to me, Rory. It would break my heart if you stopped lovin’ me now.’
‘I’ve never stopped lovin’ you,’ he told her. ‘Even when I married Velma I wanted you. She made a fool out of me and if I ever see her again I shall tell her just what I think of her for lyin’ about her first marriage.’
‘She isn’t important now,’ Maureen said and looked up at him. ‘The past is the past, Rory, and we have the future to look forward to…’
Chapter 19
‘These are Able’s personal things,’ the young American said and gave Peggy a cardboard box sealed with tape. She took it reluctantly, feeling that it was much too soon. Surely they hadn’t given up on Able already? His letter to her was still under her pillow unopened, because she couldn’t bear to read what he’d written. ‘Anything to do with the American forces has been removed, so there isn’t that much…’
Peggy looked at him uncertainly, her heart racing. ‘You’ve heard nothin’ more of him? You don’t know what happened to the plane?’
‘No, I’m afraid not, but there are no reports of it having landed anywhere off course, so it’s presumed that it went down over the sea,’ he replied, unable to meet her eyes. ‘I’m real sorry, ma’am. I know he thought highly of you – and I can see why, if you don’t mind me sayin’? You’re a nice lady…’
‘Thank you,’ Peggy said, a faint smile on her lips. ‘You’re very kind. I shall put Able’s things away just as they are – in case he does turn up…’ her throat caught with emotion and she shook her head. Tears stung her eyes as he walked away. She’d been praying that Able’s plane had landed somewhere abroad and he would simply walk in and tell her that it was all a mistake and he was fine, but more than a month had passed now since the plane had gone missing and common sense told her it wasn’t going to happen.
She took the small box upstairs and slid it under her bed. One day, if Able never returned, she would open it, but not yet – Peggy wasn’t ready for anything like that right now. It would feel intrusive, because they hadn’t known each other long enough and she didn’t truly know anything about his life before they met. All she knew was that he’d given her love at a time when she really needed it and she was grateful for the short time they’d had together.
Laurie had gone back at the end of his leave. He’d kissed her cheek, told her he was sorry for everything and that he hoped one day they could be friends again, and left it at that before taking his leave of Janet. Peggy had just nodded and told him to take care of himself. She was too raw with grief over Able to even consider that she might live with Laurie as his wife again.
‘You’ve just missed Pip,’ his daughter told him. ‘He’s comin’ home on leave this weekend…’
‘It’s a shame we passed in the night,’ Laurie had said and gave his daughter a peck on the cheek. ‘I’m sorry for what I said to you now… when you wanted to get married…’
‘It’s all right,’ she said gruffly. ‘I know why you did it…’
Peggy looked at her after he’d gone. ‘I’m glad you made it up with him, love. I don’t want you kids to turn against him just because of me…’
‘What are you goin’ to do, Mum?’ Janet asked. ‘Will you stay with him now?’ She faltered as she saw the pain strike her mother. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked…’
‘It’s all right,’ Peggy said. ‘I know Able has gone. I’m still numbed from the shock, but it will get easier to bear in time. Everythin’ does…’ She was silent for a moment. ‘As for your father, I’m not sure. I’ll stay here for the duration of the war, because I think that’s best for all of us, but I’m not sure about anything yet.’
‘I understand, Mum. You’ve been hurt too much…’
‘I shall get over it in time.’
‘Yes, I suppose everything eases in time…’ Janet looked at her oddly. ‘Will you look after Maggie this weekend please? I’m going to see Mike again and I’d rather not take her with me this time…’
‘Yes, of course I will. She’s no trouble to me, bless her,’ Peggy said. ‘Won’t he want to see his little girl? He’s going to miss all her baby times… it’s such a shame.’
‘He doesn’t acknowledge her as his,’ Janet said, a touch of bitterness in her voice. ‘When I took her to visit, he wouldn’t even look at her… he shouted at us and it made her cry…’
‘I know it’s hard to bear,’ Peggy said, ‘but try to remember how much harder it must be for Mike. He can’t remember you and yet he’s told that you’re his wife – how must that feel?’
‘I know how it feels to me,’ Janet said. ‘It makes me miserable – and I haven’t done anythin’ wrong, so why does he treat me as if I’m trying to cheat him or somethin’?’
‘I’m sure he’s simply lost and doesn’t know what to think,’ Peggy said. ‘I think you just have to keep visitin’ and hope that his memory returns soon…’ She frowned. ‘What time does your train leave?’
‘Ryan is takin’ me down,’ Janet said and her eyes slid away from her mother’s. ‘He rang me and told me he has a couple of days free. I said I was visitin’ Mike, so he said would it help if he took me down and I jumped at the chance. It’s hard visitin’ alone and being rejected, Mum – and the nurses don’t help. One of them seems to dislike me and she told me not to come, but I’m goin’ anyway. Ryan thinks I should…’
‘Well, I agree with him,’ Peggy said. ‘You have to break down the barriers if Mike is goin’ to come home to you, love. Have you any pictures to show him?’
‘Yes, of our weddin’, and one before we were married. I thought I would show them to him this time…’
‘Give me a hug,’ Peggy said and put her arms round the girl. ‘We haven’t had much luck recently, have we?’
‘No…’ Janet said, her voice muffled as she buried her face in her mother’s shoulder. ‘Sometimes, I feel as if I can’t stand this any longer… I want to tell Mike that it’s over…’
‘Janet! You can’t do that,’ Peggy said. ‘Supposing Mike recovers later, remembers you and how much he loves you. You would regret it for the rest of your life. Besides, he’s ill and he needs you.’
‘He doesn’t need me, Mum. I think he resents me – and he wishes I wasn’t his wife… he’s pushin’ me away the whole time I’m there.’
‘Oh, Janet, I’m sure he doesn’t mean to hurt you…’
‘It does hurt. Sometimes I’m not sure I can bear it, Mum. It might be easier just to walk away as Mike wants…’
*
Janet hesitated outside the hospital, holding her breath and feeling a little sick. When she’d visited Mike the first time, the nurse who disliked her had told her she was thoughtless and her visit would destroy Mike’s peace of mind, which he was gradually regaining, but Ryan had told her to ignore the woman’s spiteful tongue.
‘It’s my opinion she fancies Mike herself,’ Ryan said. ‘He’s your husband and if you love him, go ahead and fight for him…’
Janet knew that in his heart Ryan wanted her to leave Mike and get a divorce, but he wasn’t pushing her. Instead, he’d encouraged her to stand up for herself.
‘Mike is your husband. Even if he has suffered in the war he has responsibilities and he has to accept them. Show him the pictures, Janet – make him acknowledge that you’re his wife…’
‘Yes…’ Janet knew that he was talking sense, because Mike had had months to reco
ver from the shock of being told he had a wife and it was time he faced up to it. They had to try and make a go of things. Otherwise, it really was over. ‘Yes, I shall.’
‘Good. You know how I feel about you, Jan – but Mike is your husband. He’s Maggie’s father and he deserves the chance to know her. If it doesn’t work out – I’ll be around…’
‘You’re a lovely man, Ryan,’ Janet said and reached up to kiss his cheek. He’d told her he was going to fit in a call for his work while she was visiting Mike and they would meet for dinner at the hotel, where they had separate rooms.
She walked into the hospital and up the stairs to the wards where Mike was housed, stopping to speak with the nurse who so disliked her before proceeding on to Mike’s ward. He was in a small private room for the moment, because he’d had another operation that week and was recovering.
‘You really should have warned us before you came, ‘Sister James said. ‘I’m not sure he is up to visitors…’
‘I’m Mike’s wife in case you’ve forgotten,’ Janet said, ‘and I have every right to visit him. I shan’t upset him and if he’s tired I can leave and come back later…’
The woman’s face went pink with temper but Janet met her eyes and after a moment she dropped hers. Janet thought that perhaps Ryan was right and the nurse had become overprotective of Mike because she had feelings for him.
As she entered the room, she saw that Mike was sitting up in bed reading a newspaper. He looked at her for a moment in silence and then nodded, an expression of uncertainty in his face.
‘You decided to visit again then. I thought you might not – after what I said to you when you brought the baby…’
‘You’re my husband, Mike. I’ve brought some photos…’ Janet said and handed them to him. ‘I’ve also brought some magazines you used to like and some fruit…’
‘Thank you…’ He took the pictures and looked at them and then at her several times before nodding. ‘Yes, I’ve accepted that I am married to you, and that we have a child… but it still doesn’t stir any real memories. I’m sorry, Janet. I know this must be awful for you.’
‘It’s as bad or worse for you,’ Janet said and sat down on the edge of the bed, reaching for his hand. This time he didn’t withdraw it immediately. ‘I’m really sorry for all you went through out there, Mike. I love you and I want to take care of you when you come home…’
‘They’re talkin’ about sendin’ me home in time for Christmas. Do we have a home?’
‘We had one in Portsmouth not far from your base but… a plane crashed onto it. It was a German plane and the crew were still inside. I think the pilot was tryin’ to get to the sea to ditch but then he saw the field behind the cottage – if we’d been there both Maggie and I would be dead.’ Janet gave a strangled laugh. ‘It might have been easier for you…’
Mike’s hand gripped hers so hard that it was painful. ‘No! You mustn’t say that. If we’re married I must have loved you – and the baby is mine. One day I’ll remember and then I’ll be able to love you again…’ He looked at her and there was a hint of desperation in his eyes. ‘You’re all I’ve got to cling to, Janet. Without you and the baby it’s a huge void of nothingness… can you forgive me for not remembering our love?’
‘It hurts me an awful lot, Mike,’ Janet said but smiled, because at least he was acknowledging her now, even if he still couldn’t remember her. ‘It’s not somethin’ you need to ask forgiveness for, darling. You didn’t ask to be like this – though you could have stayed safe in your job at the docks…’ she blinked to hold back the tears as she saw him searching for a memory. Even his job was lost to him, because he had no recollection of it. ‘We’ll be all right – as long as you don’t shut me out. Let me help you remember. Let me visit more often so that we can talk about how it was before the war – the way my dad refused to let us marry and… we became lovers. I was having Maggie when we got married. Mum talked dad round then and we lived in lodgings for a while until your captain’s wife rented us the cottage. I’d made it nice for when you came home…’
Mike shook his head and looked sad. ‘It sounds as if we were very much in love…’
‘You were desperate to make love and you took me to a wonderful hotel for dinner and a dance up West and that was the first time and – it was so lovely…’ Mike squeezed her hand as her voice caught.
‘You’re a really nice person, Janet, but…’
‘You usually called me Jan,’ she told him and kissed his hand, which was now free of bandages although still scarred and red. ‘I loved you so much, Mike. It broke my heart when they told me you were dead – but then somethin’ told me you weren’t. I kept tellin’ everyone that you were alive, but no one believed me.’
‘They’ve told me I’ve got a piece of shrapnel in my brain,’ Mike said suddenly, sending a shiver of apprehension through her as she saw the naked fear in his eyes. ‘It’s too deep for them to remove it, though at the moment all it does is cause me headaches. The doctor told me last night that I’ll have to live with it for the rest of my life – which could be quite short if it moves…’
‘Mike, no!’ Janet exclaimed. ‘Surely they’ll be able to do somethin’ in time?’
‘It’s very tiny, too small for them to go in after without causin’ untold damage to my brain. If it stays where it is, the chances are it will just gather a kind of protective crust that will enable me to live with it – but it may be the cause of my memory loss; they don’t really know what the future holds for me. If the shrapnel moved in one direction, I might lose my ability to move my limbs or I could suddenly lose vision – or I might die.’
‘Oh, Mike…’ Janet stared at him in distress. For a moment she was lost for words, because the prognosis was too awful to contemplate. ‘What a thing to say to you – you might be all right. If it just stays there – for years…’
‘Yes, I might and I might not,’ Mike said ruefully. ‘There are other options. I might turn violent and nasty – attack people or…’
‘Don’t!’ Janet put her hands to her ears. ‘Please, stop, Mike. I don’t believe this – I won’t listen to it. I don’t know why they told you such things. You’re gettin’ better. Why should this thing in your head move? If it was goin’ to do all those nasty things surely they would already have happened?’
‘The doctor said that as well – but he was obliged to warn me,’ Mike said, ‘and I felt obliged to warn you. If we’re goin’ to make a home together you have to know what could happen…’
‘Nothing will happen,’ Janet said stoutly. ‘We love each other, Mike. I’m sure you will remember that in time – and things will get better for us. If we have love and affection then we can face anythin’ together…’
Mike smiled and for a moment he was the old Mike, the man she’d loved so much. ‘You’re a nice person, Jan. I realised that after I sent you away last time – but there are moments when my head hurts so much I don’t really know what I am sayin’. It all seemed so wrong. I couldn’t remember a wife, and to be honest I didn’t want a family – but now…’ He sighed. ‘It doesn’t seem fair to you – but will you take me on? Knowin’ that anythin’ could happen – will you give me a home and a chance to live?’
‘Yes, Mike, I will,’ Janet said and leaned forward to kiss him on the mouth. A little to her surprise he kissed her back, holding her head as she would’ve withdrawn, and then he smiled as he let her go.
‘That was nice. You taste good and you smell lovely. I like that perfume.’
‘You bought it for me the last time you were home… it was Christmas 1940…’
‘Is it French?’
‘Yes – how did you know?’
‘I’m not sure – I think I just guessed,’ Mike said and looked odd. ‘Don’t get your hopes up, too much, Jan. The perfume is familiar to me but that doesn’t mean I’ll remember anythin’ else…’
‘When can you come home?’
‘In a couple of months I think,’ Mik
e said. ‘I believe there are two further ops to go – but I’m not sure where home is…’
‘I’ve been living with Mum at the Pig & Whistle in Mulberry Lane in Spitalfields, since the cottage was bombed,’ Janet said. ‘I’ll look for somewhere for us, though I’m sure it would be all right for you to come there until we find a place of our own – will the Navy give you a discharge?’
‘I think I might be given an office job when I’m fit enough to return to work,’ Mike said and grimaced. ‘Not really my kind of work. I like…’ He halted and looked at her in wonder. ‘I’m good with my hands – or I was… I think.’
‘You worked in the shipyards. Fittin’ ships and engines and things…’
‘I worked with the engines or the housing…’ Mike frowned, as if a memory was disturbing him. He put a trembling hand to the side of his head. ‘Sometimes it feels as if a nail is being hammered into my brain…’
‘Mike, I’m so sorry, darling…’ Janet leaned forward to kiss his mouth softly. ‘Can I make it better – get you a hot drink or somethin’…’
‘It’s time for your medication,’ a voice came from the door and Janet saw Sister James had brought in a white metal tray with a syringe. ‘You’d better leave, Mrs Rowan – Mike needs to rest now…’
Mike’s fingers closed over Janet’s wrist. ‘You will come back please?’
‘Of course,’ Janet smiled and bent to kiss his cheek. ‘Do as the nurse tells you, Mike, and I’ll visit in the mornin’ – before I go back to London.’
‘We’ll talk some more then,’ he said. ‘Forgive me…’
‘Nothing to forgive…’
Janet waved to him from the door just as the needle was plunged in his arm. She walked away, her feelings mixed. At least Mike had decided to accept the fact that he had a wife and child – but his news had chilled her and she knew he was haunted by it. The doctor had been honest with him but it had left a shadow over his life – over her life too, Janet thought as she left the hospital with its smells of disinfectant and carbolic behind and went out into the bright sunshine.