by Bri Izzo
“What are you doing?” I question him. It’s like we’re suddenly on an awkward date but the only reason it’s awkward is because I’m acting like a nervous little school girl. I haven’t talked to him since his birthday party when he kissed me because we both got yelled at afterwards by my brother and our friends. And then I made him promise not to kiss me again this morning. I’ve spent fourteen years swooning for him and he finally kisses me and I make him vow to never do it again. What am I doing to myself?
“I want to stretch my legs and don’t want to get you all wet,” he explains. Oh… right.
“Can we just split something? I’m not overly hungry,” I confess. I’m overly nervous though.
“Sure. Your usual? Pancakes, eggs, and hash browns?” he rattles off. When I give him a are-you-stalking-me look, he laughs. “I’ve eaten breakfast with you enough to know what you like, so don’t give me that look.”
“That one summer we spent almost every day together with Rex and you couldn’t remember my freaking name come October, but sure, you remember what I like for breakfast,” I tease, rolling my eyes. He’s full of surprises, I guess.
“I was like nine,” he reminds me. “And you got a kickass nickname out of it.”
“A kickass nickname that let’s people make fun of me and call me butch,” I mutter, fidgeting in the booth beside him. There’s a tear in the lining with some fuzz poking out of it that reminds me of his sweatshirt I’m wearing.
This makes him lean over the table slightly to look at me at a different angle with intense eyes. I didn’t mean to piss him off, but I guess I did. “Who the fuck makes fun of you?” he demands to know. This is the protectiveness I love from him. It’s possessive without being brotherly.
“People at school. They know I play softball and that my nickname is Buzz. That’s all they need to know,” I tell him as I try to look away and brush it off. It’s mostly just people who no one respects at school anyways; I really don’t care. Cheerleaders are bitches.
“I’m sorry. That’s really shitty of them. I can try to stop calling you that if you want,” he genuinely apologizes, sitting back against the booth again.
“No… I like it. And I can handle the criticism,” I shrug.
“I know you can, but that doesn’t mean you have to,” he argues. “You know you’re the furthest thing from butch. You are a daring, crazy, gorgeous girl that only has haters because people want to be like you.”
I suddenly just feel the urge to lean on him. When he reaches his arm over my shoulder to pull me closer, I don’t fight it. I don’t think of it as a romantic moment either; it’s just something shared between two people who are really close. Skyler is just someone, one of few in the world, that makes me feel worthy, like he’s always on my team.
“Thanks, Sky,” I mumble.
While snuggled into Skyler’s side, I eat my half of our entree while trying to tune out his fingertips brushing against my arm. His baseball pants and backwards hat already hypnotize me enough; I don’t need to slip deeper into his trans. Plus it’s weird that he’s doing it, whether or not it’s intentional. It’s a good weird, but still mind-boggling.
Once we finish eating, the rain has let up enough that we can now see across the street from the diner. It doesn’t look like it’s going to completely stop anytime soon, so we decide to continue on our way to the cabin.
“Will you still drive carefully?” I hope as we close the doors to his Jeep.
“I’ve never let anything happen to you before, and I have bite marks to prove it,” he answers me with a prideful grin as he points out the scar on his leg. As he backs out of the parking spot and heads for the highway I snuggle into the seat while drowning myself in his sweatshirt again.
8 Skyler Swanson
When we finally make it to the cabin by mid afternoon, it’s still storming like someone has royally pissed off Mother Nature. The adults are all in the main level living room when we arrive, and my mom greets me with an anxious hug as if I could’ve died on my drive up here. I suppose I could’ve, but I didn’t really think about that. She’s my mom; she’s supposed to worry and over exaggerate especially now that I’m driving.
Apparently while I’m graciously accepting my mom’s welcoming, Buzz is already heading downstairs to the basement where all of our siblings and friends are watching The Sandlot for the hundredth time. It’s our classic it’s-raining-at-the-cabin movie. Pillows and blankets are scattered all over the floor in a big comfy mess. I want nothing more than to enjoy it, but the tension in the room is at an all-time high the moment I take the last step down the stairs. Alex, Benny, and Tiffany are all glaring at me as if to say, “I’m watching you.”
To try to allow for some air in the room, I take a seat on the couch against the back wall perpendicular to the TV. Buzz sits a few feet in front of me, teasing me in not only what looks to be the fluffiest bunch of pillows and blankets but also in my fucking sweatshirt. I love that she doesn’t care that it drowns her or that her best friend totally noticed it’s mine and is still piercing her eyes into me. Tiffany should just be happy I got Buzz to come.
As I happen to be watching Buzz find a comfortable way to sit in all that fluff, an abnormally bright lightning bolt strikes across the lake, and about four seconds later an earth-shattering thunder shakes the house. Sam squeals like a baby pig, drawing everyone’s attention to him while Buzz also jumps a foot and grasps my sweatshirt over her chest. Ahh, why is that so attractive?
“You are the jumpiest daredevil if there ever was one,” I whisper when her eyes meet mine as she examines her immediate surroundings.
“If only I had someone to cuddle me so I could calm down,” she teases me, making me narrow my eyes at her. When I feel more eyes focusing on us, I back into the couch and relax my face. Alex, Benny, and Tiffany have all been giving the two of us the same look I just gave Buzz. At least we’re all on the same page.
“Bianca, want to help me get some popcorn for everyone?” Benny asks her, already getting up from his seat on the floor. That’s code for I need to talk to you. Since when does he speak Girl? Fuck, I just translated it! I wonder what he’s going to fucking say to her.
They have a weird relationship. He’s like her brother except she still talks to him about whatever is going on in her “love life.” She stopped telling Alex that stuff when he got a girlfriend at the beginning of last year. I know because he told me. And so did she. They constantly put me in between them to fight their battles. Benny, Tiffany, and I kind of took over as Buzz’s go-to people. I’d like to think I’m the closest person to Buzz, but even I don’t know much other than she doesn’t give two shits about rules and she wants to make JV softball as a freshman. I still haven’t told her I think she should be thinking more about Varsity. I’ll let her figure it out herself; it’ll mean more.
Buzz folds to Benny’s offer and they disappear up the stairs. I can feel Alex fucking watching me, so I glue my eyes to the TV, even as they rejoin us a few minutes later with bowls of popcorn. Tiffany and Sam are suddenly snuggled up and sharing a bowl between them, but instead of flipping out like Alex does with me and Buzz, I fucking laugh. If those two ever really get together, it’ll be the most dysfunctional relationship in the world. I hope that’s not what Alex thinks when he looks at us.
Buzz is no longer wearing my sweatshirt but has it draped over one of her arms until she sits down on a giant pillow on the floor. After watching her fold it, I hold my breath to watch her next move which I assume will be placing it on my lap like she no longer needs it or me.
Wrong.
She places it on the open space next to her and lies down on it to use it as a pillow for her head. I wonder if anyone else saw that. Ha, doesn’t matter - I did.
That evening we celebrate my birthday with a grill out on the covered deck and birthday cake inside since the storm is lasting all day and all night. Luckily I’m not high maintenance when it comes to celebrating me, or anything really. For once in th
e last three weeks it finally feels like we’re a fucking family again, like we’re all kids and hormones don’t exist. The girls sit on one side of the room while the boys sit on the other like we all have cooties. My mom pulls out the birthday cake with lit candles as everyone choruses in singing “Happy birthday” to me. I blow out the candles, leaving just one lit on accident until I take another breath to put it out. The moms are worse than the actual teenaged girls in the room, looking at each other as if one candle being lit means something fucking stupid. I stand up from my chair to let my mom cut the cake and pass out slices to everyone, but really I’m going to the refrigerator that I know has vanilla ice cream in the freezer. Just like every other birthday celebration or holiday in her entire life, Buzz is uninterested in the dessert. It isn’t that she’s watching her weight or something fucking stupid like that; she just hates sprinkles and chocolate like you wouldn’t believe. And my mom, of course, thought I was kidding when I told her to get a cake without sprinkles or chocolate. She always thinks I’m kidding when I say that for all of our family get togethers because she knows I like them.
“What are you doing?” Buzz’s quiet whisper asks me as she opens the fridge to grab something to drink.
“Getting you ice cream,” I tell her as I scoop the ice cream on the counter a foot away. I might give her store-bought cookies and cream ice cream if our parents ever bought any, but they don’t. So I’m making it by crushing up Oreos, which personally I think is better anyhow. The real cream in “cookies and cream” is the frosting from the Oreo. You don’t get that in store-bought.
“I don’t need anything,” she tries arguing.
“You can try to fool our moms, but you won’t fool me,” I sing to her. She just finished telling my mom she doesn’t want cake, and even after all these years, no one but me understands why.
“I’m not trying to fool anyone,” she quietly snaps. “I don’t need dessert. I’m full.”
“Humor me and eat this,” I demand after I finish putting two scoops in a bowl, crushing two Oreos, and mixing it all up. Then I shove the bowl into her stomach.
We both feel a roomful of eyes on us, so I quickly leave the kitchen and resume my seat at the head of the table as my mom finishes passing out slices of cake to everyone. As Buzz sits down next to Tiffany and Baylee, I look up and see her silently mouth, “Thank you,” to me.
Whatever this secretive shit is that’s going on between us is driving me abso-fucking-lutely crazy but in the best way possible. I don’t know if it was me giving her my sweatshirt to cuddle with in the car or if she actually liked when I kissed her at my birthday party, but she’s definitely sending me signals. They’re fucking mixed signals, but they’re signals nonetheless. I need a translator!
Later as everyone disperses around the house, I can’t find Buzz anywhere. All of us guys go into one of the upstairs bedrooms to play Yahtzee, but she doesn’t come with us. After a few rounds, I notice her absence and excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I’m actually looking for her though. I check both porches since that’s where she can usually be found but she’s no where. I glance out onto the lake as the rain makes it too hard to see all the way across it like normal. I swear to God if she went out there in this fucking storm… But I wouldn’t put it past her to do something like that. If she wants to be alone and that’s not possible in the crowded house, she’ll find a way. The one (good) bad thing about going to the cabin is that none of us ever have our cell phones on us, so I can’t even try to call her.
“Hey, have you guys seen Buzz?” I ask when I walk in the basement as the other girls are playing cards.
“No. Try in the bedrooms,” Baylee suggests. Not in there.
“If she didn’t even tell you where she was going she probably wants to be alone,” Tiffany adds. This is probably true, but I don’t care. I want to find her.
“Fuck off, Tiffany,” I yell at her.
When I walk back up to the main level, I ask the parents the same question. Buzz’s mom doesn’t even stop her conversation with Theresa and my mom until she’s the only one in the room who’s talking and realizes everyone is waiting for her to answer.
“Oh, um, I think she’s on the front porch,” she replies and goes back to finishing her thought from before. “So, anyways-” Beth’s voice sounds like an off-pitch flute.
“No. I already looked out there,” I interrupt her again. I’m actually getting worried that no one knows where she is or what she’s doing. Apparently I’m the only one who cares, too; as usual.
“I’m sure she’s around here somewhere,” Beth brushes me off again. I can’t believe the lack of concern in her mom’s voice. I guess that’s why Buzz bolted when we first got here; she didn’t want to deal with her mom’s shit. Her daughter does crazy shenanigans all the time. If Buzz was my kid I would constantly be worried about her. I feel in my shorts’ pocket for my car keys and feel nothing. Oh my God.
“Where are my car keys?” I panic, looking at my mom in fear. My heart feels like it’s been dropped off a fifty story building.
“I don’t know; where did you leave them?” my mom asks calmly. I definitely didn’t get my overreacting skills from her. I don’t actually care that my keys are missing; I care about the person who took them. She better not have taken my Jeep out in this fucking storm and gotten in an accident.
“I thought they were in my pocket,” I think aloud, my eyes darting around the room at the empty counters and shelves.
“Maybe they’re in your gym bag,” my mom tells me. I walk down the front hallway where I left my bag and kneel over, rummaging through it like a maniac. “Skyler, calm down. You’ll find them.”
“Is my Jeep even here?” I realize it’s totally probable that Buzz took it.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” my mom wonders.
“Because Buzz is crazy enough to take it out in this weather,” I shout.
“She doesn’t even have her temps yet,” Beth calls from the kitchen. Now she listens?
“Yeah, like that’ll stop her,” I mutter. I’m so glad that out of everyone in the fucking house I’m the only one that knows Buzz. Now I understand why she always wants to get out.
Jumping up, I open the front door to see a torrential downpour and a blurry Buzz sitting in the passenger side of my Jeep. The windows are a little foggy, and I wonder when she came out here and how no one noticed. I release a huge sigh of relief from my congested chest. I run out and join her in the driver’s seat.
“What the hell are you doing?” I question her passively sitting here as rain crashes all around us and drips from my hair. Hers is only damp since she must’ve been sitting in here for so long.
“If I could drive I would be in Canada already,” she snaps, continuing to stare out the front window to avoid eye contact with me. I’m not sure what happened to upset her so much, but I’m glad she didn’t leave. “I told you I didn’t want to come.”
“Let’s go for a ride,” I suggest. Her entire expression remains stern except for her eyes that light up like a Christmas tree. That’s how I know it’s exactly what she wants to do, and she’s happy someone finally figured it out.
The road our cabin is on is basically dirt, and with all the rain we’ve been having it’s now mud. I shift into four wheel drive and pray I know what I’m doing so I don’t wreck my brand new Jeep.
“I’m surprised you haven’t asked me where we’re going,” I break the silence after a few minutes of chugging along in the pure mud.
“You never tell me anyways, and I don’t really care as long as it’s away from that house,” she complains.
“What happened? Was it something Benny said to you or something I did?” I pry. This isn’t going to be fun if she’s going to sulk the whole time.
“It’s my mom, and I would really rather not talk about it,” she tells me.
“Fine with me. You ready to get dirty?” I snicker, turning to see her expression now pricelessly confused.
“Uh… wha
t?” she questions.
“Sweetheart, we’re going muddin’,” I announce.
9 Bianca Ferrari
“You are the jumpiest daredevil if there ever was one,” Skyler laughs at me when I jump after a big thunder rolls through. It practically shakes the house. Since he’s behind me I have no idea how he reacted to it, but my guess is he also jumped and no one saw him.
“If only I had someone to cuddle me so I could calm down,” I joke, batting my eyes at him. I can feel the heat burning from Rex sitting across the room from me, but I pretend like I’m oblivious. I honestly don’t care if I upset him with my flirtatious banter because it’s how I’ve always been my entire life; he should be used to it. Flirting is in my nature. If I do something more, however, then maybe he can be mad.
“Bianca, want to help me get some popcorn for everyone?” Benny asks, giving me deep “dad” looking eyes. Really? Him, too?
“Yeah, let’s go,” I oblige, following him up the stairs to the main level. When we reach the top of the stairs and close the basement door, I blurt out, “So what’s up?” in a quiet voice. Our parents are just across the house in the living room, and my mom’s favorite hobbies are eavesdropping and gossiping.
He stops walking to give me a you-know-what’s-up glare. “You need to cool it with Skyler,” Benny warns. I can’t figure out if he’s turning more into my dad or my brother but neither are appealing. I’m about to drop him from my small circle of trust.
“I wasn’t even doing anything,” I whine.
“Alex didn’t think that was nothing,” he argues, moving to the pantry to grab popcorn. While we wait the two and a half minutes for the bag to pop, we continue our disagreement.