Myth Directions m-3

by Robert Asprin

  "Don't worry," I interjected confidently, "I'll be riding the dragon in the Game, so nothing ..."

  "Game?" Badaxe roared. "I knew it. You're going into a war game without even consulting me."

  "It's not a war game," I insisted.

  "Yes, it is," Aahz corrected.

  "It is?" I blinked.

  "Think about it, kid," my mentor urged. "Any spectator sport with teams is a form of war gaming."

  "Then why wasn't I informed?" Badaxe blustered. "As commander of Possiltum's armed forces, any war games to be held fall under my jurisdiction."

  "General," Aahz sighed, "the game isn't going to be played in this kingdom."

  "Any military... oh!" Badaxe paused, confused by this turn of events. "Well, if it involves any members of my army ..."

  "It doesn't," my mentor interrupted. "This exercise only involves a five-man team, and we've filled it without drawing on the army's resources."

  A bell went off in my mind. I ran a quick check, which only confirmed my fears.

  "Um...Aahz..." I began.

  "Not now, kid," he growled, "You see, general, all your paranoid fears were ..."

  "Aahz!" I insisted.

  "What is it?" my mentor snarled, turning on me.

  "We haven't got five players, only four."

  Chapter Twenty-One:

  "We've got an unbeatable team!"

  -SAURON

  "FOUR?" Aahz echoed blankly.

  "I count real good up to five," I informed him loftily, "and you, me, Gus and Chumly only make four. See? One, two, three..."

  "All right! I get the message," my mentor interrupted, scowling at our two comrades. "Say Gus! I don't suppose Berfert's along, is he?"

  "C'mon, Aahz," I chided, "we can't claim a salamander as a team member."

  "Shut up, kid. How ‘bout it, Gus?"

  "Not this time," the gargoyle shrugged. "He ran into a lady friend of his, and they decided to take a vacation together."

  "A lady friend?" Aahz asked, arching an eyebrow.

  "That's right," Gus nodded. "You might say she's an old flame."

  "An old flame," the troll grinned. "I say, that's rather good."

  For a change, I got the joke, and joined Gus and Chumly in a hearty round of laughter, while Badaxe and Julie looked puzzled.

  Aahz rolled his eyes in exasperation. "That's all I need," he groaned. "One member short, and the ones I've got are half-wits. When you're all quite through, I'm open to suggestions as to where we're going to find a fifth team member."

  "I'll fill the position," Badaxe said calmly.

  "You?" I gulped, my laughter forgotten.

  "Of course," the general nodded. "It's my duty."

  "Maybe I didn't make myself clear," Aahz interjected. "Possiltum isn't involved in this at all."

  "But its magician and his apprentice are," Badaxe added pointedly. "You're both citizens of Possiltum, and rather prominent citizens at that. Like it or not, my duty is to protect you with any means at my disposal-and in this case, that means me."

  I hadn't thought of that. In a way, it was kind of nice. Still, I wasn't wild about the general putting himself in danger on our account.

  "Ummm ... I appreciate your offer, general," I began carefully, "but the game's going to be played a long way from here." "If you can survive the journey, so can I," Badaxe countered firmly.

  "But you don't understand!"

  "Kid," Aahz interrupted in a thoughtful tone, "why don't you introduce him to his potential teammates?"

  "What? Oh, I'm sorry. General Badaxe, this is Gus, and that's Chumly."

  "No," my mentor smiled. "I mean introduce him." "Oh!" I said. "General, meet the rest of our team."

  As I spoke, I dropped the disguise spell, revealing both gargoyle and troll in their true forms.

  "Gus!" Big Julie roared. "I thought I recognized your voice."

  "Hi, Julie!" the gargoyle waved. "How's retirement?"

  "Pretty dull. Hey, help yourself to some wine!"

  "Thanks."

  Gus stepped forward and took the two pitchers of wine from the general's nerveless grip, passing one to Chumly. It occurred to me that I was the only one of the crew who wasn't getting a drink out of this.

  The general was transfixed, his eyes darting from gargoyle to troll and back again. He had paled slightly, but to his credit he hadn't given ground an inch.

  "Well, Badaxe," Aahz grinned, "still want to join the team?"

  The general licked his lips nervously, then tore his eyes away from Gus and Chumly.

  "Certainly," he announced. "I'd be proud to fight alongside such... worthy allies. That is, if they'll have me."

  That dropped it in our laps.

  "What do you think, Skeeve?" Aahz asked. "You're the boss."

  Correction. That dropped it in my lap. Aahz had an annoying habit of yielding leadership just when things got sticky. I was beginning to suspect it wasn't always coincidence.

  "Well, Lord Magician?" Badaxe rumbled. "Will you accept my services for this expedition?"

  I was stuck. No one could deny Badaxe's value in a fight, but I had never warmed to him as a person. As a teammate ...

  "Gleep!"

  The warning wasn't soon enough! Before I could brace myself, I was hit from behind by a massive force and sent sprawling on my face. The slimy tongue worrying the back of my head and the accompanying blast of incredibly bad breath could only have one source.

  "Gleep!" my pet announced proudly, pausing briefly in his efforts to reach my face.

  "What's that stupid dragon doing here?" Aahz bellowed, unmoved by our emotional reunion.

  "Ask Badaxe," Julie grinned. "He brought him."

  "He did?" my mentor blinked, momentarily stunned out of his anger.

  I was a bit surprised myself. Pushing Gleep away momentarily I scrambled to my feet and shot a questioning glance at the general.

  For the first time since and including our original confrontation, Hugh Badaxe looked uncomfortable. The fierce warrior who wouldn't flinch before army, magician, or demon couldn't meet our eyes.

  "He was... well, with you two gone he was just moping around," the general mumbled. "No one else would go near him and I thought....ell, that is ... it seemed logical that..."

  "He brought him out to play with my dragon," Julie explained gleefully. "It seems the fierce general here has a weak spot for animals."

  Badaxe's head came up with a snap. "The dragon served the Kingdom well in the last campaign," he announced hotly. "It's only fair that someone sees to his needs-as a veteran."

  His bluster didn't fool anyone. There was no reason why he should feel responsible for my dragon. Even if he did, it would have been easy for him to order some of his soldiers to see to my pet rather than attending to it personally as he had done. The truth of the matter was that he liked Gleep.

  As if to confirm our suspicions, my pet began to frolic around him, waggling head and tail in movements I knew were reserved for playmates. The general stoically ignored him... which is not that easy to do.

  "Um... general?" I said carefully.

  "Yes?"

  I was fixed by a frosty gaze, daring me to comment on the dragon's behavior.

  "About our earlier conversation," I clarified hastily. "I'm sure I speak for the rest of the team when I say we're both pleased and honored to have you on our side for the upcoming war game."

  "Thank you. Lord Magician," he bowed stiffly. "I trust you will find your confidence in me is not misplaced."

  "Now that that's settled," Aahz chortled, rubbing his hands together. "Where's the big dragon? We've got some practicing to do."

  "He's asleep," Julie shrugged.

  "Asleep? "Aahz echoed.

  "That's right. He got into the barn, ate up over half the livestock in the place. Now he's sleepin' like a rock, you know? Probably won't wake up for a couple of months at best."

  "A couple of months!" my mentor groaned. "Now what are we going to do? The kid's got to
have something to ride in the game!"

  "Gleep!" my pet said, rolling on the ground at my feet.

  Aahz glared at me.

  "He said it, I didn't," I declared innocently.

  "Don't think we've got much choice, Aahz," Gus pointed out.

  "If you aren't used to them, any dragon would seem rather frightening," Chumly supplied.

  "All right! All right!" Aahz grimaced, throwing up his hands in surrender. "If you're all willing to risk it, I'll go along. As long as he doesn't drive me nuts by always saying ..."

  "Gleep?" my pet asked, swiveling his head around to see what Aahz was shouting about.

  "Then we're ready to start practicing?" I asked hastily.

  "As ready as we'll ever be, I guess," Aahz grumbled, glaring at the dragon.

  "I know this isn't my fight," Big Julie put in, "but what kinda strategies have you boys worked up?"

  "Haven't yet," my mentor admitted. "But we'll think of something."

  "Maybe I can give you a hand. I used to be pretty good with small unit tactics. You know what I mean?"

  The next few weeks were interesting. You notice I didn't say "instructive," just interesting. Aside from learning to work together as a team, there was little development among the individuals of our crew.

  You could argue that with the beings we had on the team, there was little development to be done. That was their opinion. Nor was it easy to argue with them. With the exception of myself, their physical condition ranged from excellent to unbelievable. What was more, they were all seasoned veterans of countless battles and campaigns. From what we had seen of the Jahks, any one of our team was more than a match for five of our opponents-and together ...

  Maybe that's what bothered me: the easy assurance on everyone's part that we could win in a walk. I know it bothered Big Julie.

  "You boys are over-confident," he'd scold, shaking his head in exasperation. "There's more to fighting than strength. Know what I mean?"

  "We've got more than strength," Aahz yawned. "There's speed, agility, stamina, and with Gus along, we've got air cover. Then again, Skeeve there has a few tricks up his sleeve as a magician."

  "You forgot ‘experience,' " Julie countered. "These other guys, they've been playing this game for what? Five hundred years now? They might have a trick or two of their own."

  With that stubborn argument, Julie would threaten, wheedle, and cajole us into practicing. Unfortunately, most of the practice centered around me.

  Staying on Gleep's back was rough enough. Trying to keep my seat while throwing or catching a ball proved to be nearly impossible. Gleep was no help. He preferred chasing the ball himself or standing stock still while scratching himself with a hind leg to following orders from me. I finally had to cheat a little, resorting to magik to keep me upright on my mount's back. A little levitation, a little flying, and suddenly my riding skills improved a hundred fold. If Aahz suspected I was using something other than my sense of balance, he didn't say anything.

  The problem of catching and throwing the ball was solved by the addition of a staff to my argument. Chumly uprooted a hefty sized sapling, and the general used his ever-present belt axe to trim away branches and roots. The result was an eleven foot club with which I could either knock the ball along the ground or swat it out of the air if someone had thrown or kicked it aloft. The staff was a bit heavier than I would have liked, but the extra weight moved the ball farther each time I hit it. Of course, I used a little magik to steer the ball, too, so I didn't miss often and it usually went where I wanted it to go.

  Gleep, on the other hand, went where he wanted to go. While my club occasionally helped both to set him in motion and to institute minor changes in his direction once he was moving, total control had still eluded me when the day finally arrived for our departure.

  The five of us (six including Gleep) gathered in the center of our practice meadow and said our goodbyes to Julie.

  "I'm sorry I can't come with you, boys," he declared mournfully, "but I'm not as young as I used to be, you know?"

  "Don't worry," Aahz waved, "we'll be back soon. You can come to our victory celebration."

  "There you go again," Julie scowled, "I'm warning you, don't celebrate until after the battle. After five hundred years..."

  "Right, Julie," Aahz interrupted hastily. "You've told us before. We'd better get going now or we'll miss the game. Wouldn't want to lose by default."

  With that, he checked to see we were all in position and triggered the D-Hopper.

  A moment later, we were back in Jahk.

  Chapter Twenty-Two:

  "No matter what the game, no matter what the rules, the same rules apply to both sides!"

  -HOYLE'SLAW

  THE stadium had undergone two major changes since the last time Aahz and I were here.

  First, the configuration of the field had been changed. Instead of a rectangle, the chalk lines now outlined a triangle with netted goals at each corner. I assumed that was to accommodate a three-way instead of a two-way match.

  The second change was people. Remember how I said I didn't even want to imagine what the stadium would be like full of people? Well, the reality dwarfed anything my imagination could have conjured up. Where I had envisioned neat rows of people to match the military precision of the seats, the stands were currently a chaotic mass of color and motion. I don't know why they bothered providing seats. As far as I could tell, nobody was sitting down.

  A stunned hush had fallen over the crowd when we appeared. This was understandable. Beings don't appear out of thin air very often, as we had assembled.

  At Aahz's instruction, I had withheld any disguises from our team in order to get maximum psychological impact from our normal appearance. We got it.

  The crowd gaped at us, while we gaped at the crowd. Then they recovered their composure and a roar trumpeted forth from a thousand throats simultaneously. The bedlam was deafening.

  "They don't seem very intimidated," I observed dryly.

  I didn't expect to be heard over the din, but I had forgotten Aahz's sharp ears.

  "Ave Caesar. Salutes e moratorium. Eh, kid?" he grinned.

  I didn't have the foggiest what he was talking about, but I grinned back at him. I was tired of staring blankly every time he made a joke.

  "Hey, boss. We've got company," Gus called, jerking his head toward one side of the stadium.

  "Two companies, actually," Chumly supplied, staring in the opposite direction.

  Swiveling my head around, I discovered they were both right. Massha was bearing down on us from one side, while old Graybeard was waddling forward from the other. It seemed both Veygus and Ta-hoe wanted words with us.

  "Hell-o boys," Massha drawled, arriving first. "Just wanted to wish you luck with your... venture."

  This might have sounded strange coming from a supporter of the opposition. It did to me. Then I remembered that Massha thought we were out to neutralize Quigley's "demon." Well, in a way we were.

  Aahz, as usual, was way ahead of me.

  "Don't worry, Massha," he grinned. "We've got everything well in hand."

  It never ceases to amaze me the ease with which my mentor can lie.

  "Just be sure you stay out of it," he continued smoothly. "It's a rather delicate plan, and any miscellaneous moving parts could foul things up."

  "Don't worry your green little head about that," she winked. "I know when I'm outclassed. I was just kinda hoping you'd introduce me to the rest of your team."

  I suddenly realized that throughout our conversation, she hadn't taken her eyes off our teammates. Specifically, she was staring sideways at Hugh Badaxe. This didn't change as Aahz made the proper introductions.

  "Massha, this is Gus."

  "Charmed, madam," the gargoyle responded.

  "And Chum-er-Crunch."

  "When fight? Crunch tikes fighting," Chumly declared, dropping into his troll act.

  Massha didn't bat an eye. She was busy running both of them up
and down the general's frame.

  "And this is Hugh Badaxe."

  With a serpentine glide, Massha was standing close to the general.

  "So pleased to meet cha, Hugh ... you don't mind if I call you Hugh, do you?" she purred.

  "Harmmph ... I... that is," Badaxe stammered, visibly uncomfortable.

  I could sympathize with him. Having Massha focus her attention on one was disquieting to say the least. Fortunately, help arrived just then in the form of the Ta-hoe delegate.

  "Good afternoon, gentlemen," he chortled, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Hello, Massha."

  "Actually," she returned icily, "I was just leaving."

  She leaned forward and murmured something in the general's ear before departing for her seat in the stands. Whatever it was, Badaxe flushed bright red and avoided our eyes.

  "We were afraid you wouldn't arrive in time,"

  Graybeard continued, ignoring Massha's exit. "Wouldn't want to disappoint the fans with a default, would we? When are you expecting the rest of your team?"

  "The rest of our team?" I frowned. "I thought the rules only called for five players plus a riding mount."

  "That's right," Graybeard replied, "but ... oh, well, I admire your confidence. So there're only the five of you, eh? Well, well. That will change the odds a bit."

  "Why?" I demanded suspiciously.

  "Are the edges on that thing sharp?" the spokesman asked, spying the general's axe.

  "Razor," Badaxe replied haughtily.

  "But he won't use it on anyone," I added hastily, suddenly remembering the "no edged weapons" rule. I wasn't sure what the general's reaction would be if anyone tried to take his beloved axe away from him.

  "Oh, I have no worries on that score," Graybeard responded easily. "As with all games, the crossbowmen will be quick to eliminate any player who chooses to ignore the rules."

  He waved absently at the sidelines. We looked in the indicated direction, and saw for the first time that the field was surrounded by crossbowmen, alternately dressed in the blue and yellow of Ta-hoe and the red and white of Veygus. This was a little wrinkle the Geek had neglected to mention. He had told us about the rules, but not how they were enforced.