Freedom: A Captivating and consuming contemporary romance (Freedom series Book 1)

by J Grayland

  “I understand that Casey. I guess I thought we had built up this trust between us and it bothers me that I haven’t made you feel safe enough to trust me.” He looked so desolate and hurt, I wanted, no needed, to touch him, wrap my arms around this strong man and try and make him understand what’s going on in my head, but as I take a step towards him he moves over to the large windows that look out into the night sky and stares out of them.

  “It’s not really something you blurt out Nate,” I continue, as I move closer to him just enough for him to hear my words. “I’m not sure what you want me to tell you that you don’t already know.” I watch as he closes his eyes and shakes his head. “It has nothing to do with not trusting you, because I do, more than anyone, but I’m tired, Nate. I’m tired of constantly running away from my past. I’m tired of it owning me. I’m tired of it squeezing me slowly to death. I want it to stay in the past where it belongs and not define who I am right now. For all those years I was losing that battle until I met you, now I feel like I’m not running anymore, but walking. When I’m with you I feel free Nate, and you gave me that freedom to live and trust and …love.” At that last word, he turns his eyes to mine and I can see the battle in them that he’s having with himself. I’m just not sure what type of battle he’s having. “Please Nate, talk to me, tell me what you’re thinking.”

  His gaze turns again to the window and I feel deflated. He’s silent for what seems like a lifetime, then he says, “I don’t know what to say, I just…what I saw…” he pauses again scrubbing both hands through his hair to the back of his neck.

  “Just start by telling me what’s going through your mind,” I tell him.

  “Right now? Everything, too much.”

  “I’m sorry Nate”

  “Stop.” I flinch a little at the bite in his voice and he sees it and returns his voice to a calmer tone .“Please just stop apologizing. I just need some time to process everything and get my head straight.” With that my stomach sinks. I knew all along this would be the reaction and I can’t blame him. I understand that he’s feeling betrayed right now, I mean, if I found out the person I had been sleeping with for the past few weeks turned out to be as used, dirty and broken as I am, I would want to run in the opposite direction myself.

  “I don’t know how to help you,” I whisper, looking past him through the window.

  “The scars…..they were from him?” he doesn’t ask me but tells me and I nod.

  Picking up my phone and walking to the stairs, I look over my shoulder and say to him, “I’m going to bed. I think it might be better for you to sleep in your own room for a while, just to give us both some space while you process everything.” I tried my hardest not to show him the hurt in my voice but I’m pretty sure he heard, but he also didn’t argue or protest and just let me walk away.

  Stepping into the hot pulsating water of the shower, I let the build-up of hot tears run down my face and mingle with the water from the shower. I sobbed into the hot spray, wishing it could wash everything away, not just my tears but my past as well. I wish I could go back in time and never apply for the job with International Medical Assist in the first place. Sliding down onto the floor of the shower and holding my face in my hands, I continue to sob, a carousel of images turning in my mind; my parents, Max Sullivan, Peterson, the chains, the dirty mattress, Nate; every image stabbing into my chest like a hot knife, and there I stay until my body starts to shrivel from the water and I feel fatigued, drained and totally shattered from crying for so long.

  Pulling myself up and turning off the shower, I wrap a towel around my limp body and grab a t-shirt from the drawer on the way to the bed. Drying off quickly and pulling on the shirt, I slide into bed. My eyes are so heavy and raw that I fall easily into sleep. Dreams take over, and my sleep is restless and broken, waking up from many images I would rather not remember. The last picture I see before I wake to the sunlight is the painful look of betrayal on Nate’s face. My body still weakened by the overload of emotions and thoughts, I pull myself out of bed and walk out of the bedroom. Standing at the top of the staircase silently for a few minutes, I listen for any noise coming from downstairs. Satisfied that Nate has left the Penthouse, I walk downstairs and pour myself a glass of juice from the fridge and drink it down in a few gulps. Looking around I can see that Nate is nowhere in the Penthouse, so I am assuming that he has gone into the office and I wonder to myself just how long the painful silence between us will last. “Just give him some time,” I mummer out into the empty room.

  I spend the day trying to occupy my time, but when it got to around midday I was starting to feel caged, so I dress in a comfy pair of shorts, sneaker’s and tank and go down to the street level and just walk, taking in the fresh air and bustle of the city around- me anything to take my mind away from Nate. I walk into his favorite pizza place and grab a water and a slice of cheesy goodness and walk over to the park to eat. Sitting down on the grass I feel the vibration of my phone in my pocket. Pulling it out. I see Nate’s name flash on the screen. “Hey,” I answer. “Where are you?” The bite of his words makes me pull the phone away from my ear slightly.

  “Just having some lunch.”

  “I said where not what.”

  “Just in the park, why?”

  “Hmm, let’s see” he starts with sarcasm lacing his voice, “You’re supposed to let Nick know if you need to go somewhere.”

  “Not anymore I don’t, the threat is over, remember?”

  “The threat is never over Casey. Trust me, I’m an expert on these things and I’m still responsible for your safety.” The harsh tone of his voice made me flinch. So that’s what I am now, a responsibility. His voice broke into my thoughts. “Casey,” he barked into the phone making me pull the phone away from my ear.

  “Look, I know you’re angry but you don’t have to yell at me like I’m a child.”

  “Then stop acting like one. I need to know your safe.” He growled.

  Blowing out an irritated breath, I calmly say, “I can assure you that I am safe. There is no need to worry, so please Nate consider yourself responsibility- free from me.” With that, I cut off the call and shut off the phone. I enjoyed the rest of the day to myself. It was nice to put some distance between the King building and myself, and I know he needed some space for now, so that’s what I intended to give him.

  Later that night back at the Penthouse, I picked up my phone and dialed Flynn’s number. “Hey, sweet’s how ya doing?.” He said with a cheerful spark.

  With a sigh I say, “Not good, the shit has hit the fan here.”

  “What?”

  “He knows Flynn.”

  “He knows?” He repeats. “How?”

  “Well you know his brother Paxton is a lawyer and he has connections, they somehow got my file and…”

  “Fuck babe, I’m so sorry.” He said his voice full of regret.

  “Don’t be he needed to find out at some stage. I just wish I would have talked to him about it sooner, that’s all.”

  “Sooo, how did he take it?”

  “Worse than I ever imagined.”

  “Wow babe, I don’t know what to say.”

  “It’s fine Flynn, I guess in a way I expected it to end, I guess it’s just following the pattern of my life.” I sighed.

  “He’s ended it?”

  “Not with words but it’s put a huge wall between us, and I got the old “I need some time to think” sentence.”

  “Mother fucker. Why the hell would he do that Casey?”

  “Calm down Flynn, I understand it’s a lot for someone to deal with in one hit.”

  “That’s not the point babe if someone cares about you they don’t let something that happened in your past taint the person they have feelings for. You don’t just give up, you fucking fight.” I could hear Flynn’s anger radiating through my phone.

  “He cares, I just don’t think he knows how to segregate the 30-year-old woman from the 14-year-old victim that he saw in th
ose news articles. It was hard, he looked….devastated.”

  “So what are you going to do now?” Flynn asks.

  “I think I am going to come home, Flynn. I want to take myself out of the equation and let Nate go, I want to make that decision for him and make a clean break.”

  “I’m so sorry babe.”

  “Yeah, so am I.” I finished the call with a promise that I would let Flynn know when I had my flight booked and I headed upstairs, laying on the bed and looking at the time on my phone. It was after 9 pm and once again Nate had not come home and I started to wonder what had he been doing for the past two nights and what strategies was he using to “process” our relationship. Was he at the beach house with Paxton and Lynda? Or was he still here in Portland? Was he drinking at a bar or a club? Or was he staying with a friend? Or was he out there fucking me out of his mind? And with that thought, I suddenly felt ill. No, he wouldn’t do that, would he? Fuck! I curse and pick up my iPod, slip the earbuds into my ears and scroll through the playlist until I find something soothing but powerful to make my mind stop drifting into thoughts that I don’t want right now. Finding the best of the artist Sia, I press play and close my eyes.

  Fresh out of the shower the next morning with a throbbing headache, I dress and go down to the kitchen. Laying on the island bench is a small piece of paper. Picking it up and reading the large black letters it read, “Don’t ever hang up on me again.” I let out a small laugh of relief that at least I know he’s been here, then I screw the paper into a ball and throw it towards the garbage with a flippant curse. “Arrogant Prick.” I start pulling open some drawers looking for something to help with the throbbing in my head, and that’s where I am when I hear the ding of the elevator and the doors sliding open. I still myself and hold my breath until I see Lynda walking out, a huge carry bag in one arm and baby Emily in the other. I slide the drawer closed and make my way over to her. “Lynda?” I ask reaching out to grab the bag from her “What are you doing here?”

  “Hey nice to see you as well,” she smiles at me.

  “No I didn’t mean it like that, I just didn’t expect….”

  “Yep I know, that’s why I’m here.” We move into the sunken lounge area and she places a sleeping Emily on one of the couches and places a couple of cushions behind the baby’s back to keep her from rolling off. Then she stands with her hands on her hips. She looks good dressed in a white loose-fitting summer dress and sandals. “You look great,” I tell her and she quirks an eyebrow at me.

  “Wish I could say the same, you look terrible.” She furrows her brows at me.

  “Awesome, thanks,” I say defeated and flop down onto the other couch.

  “So I was thinking you might need some company.”

  Looking at her wearily, I say, “Paxton told you didn’t he?”

  Bowing her head down slightly she said, “Yes.”

  “How much did he tell you?”

  “Everything Casey, but I did annoy the shit out of him until he told me what was going on, I mean Paxton might as well have been walking around the house with an animated dark rain cloud hovering over his head, and Nate, well to be honest the last time I saw him looking like that was…. at his parents funeral.” I gasp in shock at her words. “He looks like crap and he’s acting like an angry bear right now.”

  “Has he been staying with you and Paxton?”

  “Yeah, he came down the other night. He and Paxton stayed up most of the night drinking on the back porch.”

  “This is all my fault, I should have…” I start to say but Lynda cuts me off.

  “Ahh should have, could have, would have, it would have made no difference, he would have found out anyway. My husband’s a great lawyer and he’s even better at finding information, that’s what King International Security does, and you are the last person who needs to be sorry. Damn, haven’t you done enough of that through your life?” I look at her somber face and recognize that she understands a lot more than I thought.

  “I know I’m just not sure where we stand right now, he was so angry and disheartened and he’s avoiding me like the plague.”

  “He’s not avoiding you, he’s avoiding the situation. I’m pretty sure his anger is not at you but for you.” I look at her with a questioning lift of my brow and she continues, “Look Nate is an alpha take charge of all situations kind of man, he’s always got his finger on the pulse of everything and now he’s faced with something that he had no control over and it will be tearing him to pieces inside. Until he works out how to bury the past and deal with it, he will keep his distance to protect you from him.”

  “That’s crazy thinking,” I say slightly shocked at her words.

  “No, that’s Nate’s thinking.” Walking over to the huge windows where Nate likes to stand and look out over the city, I cross my arms over my chest and gaze out. “I’m not sure I can do this again Lynda,” I say, and she quickly makes her way over to me and stands beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

  “I think you can, you have fought your whole life, Casey. I’m pretty sure you have just that little bit more in you, just hang in there babe.” I give her a weak smile and a silent thank you, then both our heads are turned towards the couch at the tiny soft gurgling sounds coming from it. “Someone’s awake,” Lynda sings as she crosses to the couch and picks up the small body encased head to toe in a lilac-colored jumpsuit and places her against her shoulder with a supporting hand on her back. “She needs feeding so I hope you don’t mind me flashing a nipple.”

  “Of course not,” I laugh. “Go ahead I’ll make us some lunch, you are staying right?”

  “I would love to,” she says, and as I start getting things out to prepare some sandwiches for us. I look up at Lynda feeding Emily and I feel a wave of joy flush through my body at the friendship and support that this woman has given me.

  Chapter Forty

  Nate

  After Casey had gone up to her room I had to hold myself back from running up after her, taking her in my arms and asking her to help me process all the crap that was going through my head, but she was right I needed some space and time away from her because I didn’t want to say something in anger that I might regret later. Right now, my mind is stuck in “Pure Anger mode.” Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I snap the cap on the top and take a long pull of the chilly liquid taking it into my home office and sitting down at my desk. My phone chirps with a text. Looking down at the screen, it’s from Paxton. “Hey bro, do you need anything?” I quickly send him one back. “Would love to come stay at the beach house for a few days,” pressing send then another quick chirp. “No problem, I’ll be ready to leave in about 20 minutes, Ok?” I sent him a text back “I’ll just grab a bag and meet you in the garage.” His return text is just a picture of a thumbs up.

  I finish off my beer and quietly go upstairs to my room and grab a few toiletries and a change of clothes, then head down to meet Paxton. We drive in silence apart from some low music coming from the radio. I don’t feel like talking and my brother knows me well enough to know that, so I lean my head back against the headrest and close my eyes. I am totally drained, physically and mentally, and I try to clear my mind by concentrating on the movement of the car and the low music and it must have worked because the next minute my eyes open as we come to a stop and we are parked outside the beach house.

  Grabbing my bag out of the back seat, I walk up the front stairs and wait while Paxton unlocks the door. “Do you want a beer and a chat?” he asks me.

  “No man, I’m just going to crash, but thanks.” I give my brother a light slap on the shoulder in thanks for his offer and make my way to the spare room. I drop my bag, then myself, onto the bed.

  My last thought is of the last time I was in this bed, she was curled up next to me, pressed against my chest. My eyes droop and I am engulfed by exhaustion and sleep.

  The next morning as we drive back into the city, I sip on my hot coffee and pop a couple of painkillers into my mouth. My h
ead is feeling like I had been on a heavy nights drink fest and I was now sporting one hell of a hangover. “Are you going to see Casey today and talk to her?” Paxton blurts out.

  Looking at him I shrug and let out a breath, “Yeah, maybe.”

  “Good, get it all out in the open Nate.”

  “Easier said than done,” I say giving him a sideways look.

  “Yep, well it needs to be done, clear the air otherwise I can see you turning into a zombie.” Giving him a nod, I go back to my coffee and the wonderful world of silence for the rest of the trip.

  When I get into my office, it’s been cleaned. There’s not a sign anywhere of the mess it was in when I left last night, where my world started to crumble, where I felt that constricting pain in my chest when I witnessed what she had been through. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach, and there, right there, is my biggest fear. I don’t want to feel like this when I look at her and I am so ashamed of myself that I just can’t seem to take control of how I feel. I glide through the morning in what seems more like a haze of the normal bustle of a busy day. Instead of going through contracts I’m more interested in searching the web for any more information on Max Sullivan. I feel like I need to know everything about him, I want to ruin him. I want to remove him from her past.

  At noon I decided to pull myself away from the torture of Max Sullivan before my anger takes over again and I smash another computer. I head upstairs to the Penthouse- it’s time we talked. Walking through the open elevator doors, I take in the silence of the place and see nothing. Taking the stairs two at a time up to her room I find it empty. A quick glance in the closet and I see it’s full of her clothes and I instantly feel relief that she hasn’t taken off somewhere. After checking the bathrooms and the home gym I pull out my phone and press the contact number for her phone, When she answers I can tell she is outside somewhere by the way the wind blows past the mouthpiece, distorting her voice. “Where are you?” I bite out. I am so pissed that she has gone out without telling me.