by Frost, H. Q.
“There’s other sex we could do.” She grins and I can’t help but laugh. Conversation’s getting better.
Sliding my hand to her ass, I sarcastically say, “Are you referring to anal?” I lift my eyebrows.
Her eyes go wide. The gears are turning as she contemplates this. I fucking love this look on her face. Wide-eyed Lily hasn’t been around in a while. I fell in love with this woman because of wide-eyed Lily.
“You like that?”
“Only done it a few times; not many women are willing to let me do it.”
“You want to do that with me?” Her face is quizzical.
I know it’s perverse, but she seems so inexperienced when she’s like this and all I can think about is being the one to teach her all about these deviant curiosities.
“I’d like to, but I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You can start with your fingers or anal beads.”
I’m almost blown away she’s down for this, but now I’m hoping she hasn’t done anal with someone else. Judging by her face, she hasn’t. Shit, I hope she hasn’t.
“You haven’t done it before, have you?”
“No!” She starts to laugh. “Sloan would have never!” She laughs harder.
I want to ask what about the others, but I don’t; she’s already told me no and I’m content with that answer.
“I think we should start with my tongue.” I grin and she’s staring at me wide-eyed again. “I want to lick every inch of you, Lily, nothing’s off limits.”
“Will you let me do it to you?”
Completely caught off guard, I shut my mouth; I wasn’t expecting that and I don’t know how to answer. I mean, I did swallow my own come for this woman. . . .
“You’d want to?”
Apparently we’re going to be exploring new deviant acts together. Shit that I never thought I would do. I’ve had some fucked up requests; the worst coming from Karen, but I have limits and I’ve set them with her. I’ve told other woman they didn’t have a chance in hell, but with Lily, limits are nowhere to be found.
“I want to do a lot with you.” Pulling herself from my arms, she sits back onto her ass, and as I reach for her, she says, “I watched this video of this girl cutting herself while—”
“No.” I stand. I’ve had enough. I can’t even stomach the thought of that.
Silence fills the bathroom and I look down at her, seeing she’s sad, maybe even afraid she’s pissed me off. Reaching down, I pull her up.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“It doesn’t hurt. It’s such a release for me, Ian.” Her whimsical tone about cutting herself pisses me off.
“Okay.” I say smugly and let her hand go, stepping out of the bathtub. “All right.” My tone’s a little brash, but I’m proving a point here. I walk to the drawer closest to the sink where I know she keeps razors hidden in a girly hair bag thing. I’ve seen it out on the counter before. “I want to feel it,” I say, pulling out a razor.
I don’t want to do this, but I want to feel what the fuck she’s talking about. Why is she so drawn to this? I have no idea what I’m doing, but I push it to my abdomen.
“Ian!” she snaps, hitting my hand. The slap stings and knocks the razor to the ground. “Don’t.”
“Why?” I look at her self-satisfied, then bend and pick up the razor.
“Don’t be stupid.”
“You just asked me to fuck you while you cut.” I cock my eyebrow.
“That’s me. I do this, you don’t.”
“I want to feel what you get out of it.”
“Well you won’t.” She yanks the razor from my hand. “You don’t have the problems I do.”
“You don’t anymore either.”
She looks up at me and wide-eyed Lily is gone.
“I’ve been lashing out at you, I haven’t needed to cut myself.”
“Then we’ll keep doing that.”
“No,” she huffs, tossing the razor to the countertop. “I hate myself when I do that. We’ve fought too much and I want it to stop. I think after tomorrow.” She pulls me from the bathroom. “I think it will.”
While she climbs into the bed, petals stick to her wet skin. She rolls to her stomach and I smirk; she definitely looks like some sort of exotic creature now with rose petals stuck to her glistening skin. I can’t believe I did the rose petals, but it was a picture perfect setup.
*LUXE*
Lilith arched her ass up and looked at him over her shoulder.
Wiggling her ass, she said, “I’m waiting.”
With a lusting grunt he reached out, grabbing her hips and bit her softly.
She could have fucked him all night. The idea she wouldn’t be able to have him inside her for two weeks was disconcerting. And knowing he’d want to wait the full two weeks, she fucked him hotter, harder, and nastier than before, leaving him baffled, sore, and satiated. Laying on her stomach, she looked over at him with a fulfilled grin.
He looked over at her, heavily panting, sweating, and mind blown.
“Fuck,” he breathlessly huffed.
“Did I hurt you?” She laughed.
“Holy fuck. Fuck me. Christ, Lily.”
“Ian,” she scoffed.
He quickly looked at her. “What?”
“That was weird?” she asked with worry. “You didn’t like it?”
“What?” He sat up, pushing her flat on the bed and hovered over her. “I fucking loved everything we just did.” He kissed her. “Everything seems so much better with you,” he guiltily admitted; she didn’t understand his disheartened tone.
“Why do you say it like that?”
Staring down at her, he ran his thumb over her bottom lip. “I don’t deserve you, baby,” he honestly told her.
She was more than enough for him and even he didn’t understand why he kept Karen around.
“Don’t say that.” She kissed him softly. Staring him in the eyes, she said, “I love you.”
“I love you, Lily.” He ran his nose along hers. “More than you’ll ever understand.”
After a few intense minutes of staring into his eyes, she kissed him. “Get to sleep.”
Self-loathing engulfed him; he’d never felt it before. Knowing the following day she was going to terminate what could have been their perfect future together made him hate himself for not being able to give her what she needed. Lilith was all he’d ever needed in life and he still couldn’t drop Karen. He hated himself because the way Lilith looked at him, he saw what he meant to her, yet when he gave her the same look, he knew she had doubts.
When she stirred from a bad dream, she called his name; he pulled her closer and her heavy breathing calmed while in his arms. He took solace in her sleeping soundly in his arms, but he couldn’t fall asleep. His guilt and worry about the next day kept him up all night and at six he couldn’t lay there any longer; his thoughts were eating him alive. Hoping a run would help, he set out, but found himself dwelling on the upcoming event. Not only did the termination pain him, but not knowing what would happen to Lilith during and after terrified him.
Aimlessly running, he found himself at Karen’s building, unsure why he ran there. Leaving his phone at the condo, he couldn’t call so he knocked loudly incase she wasn’t awake, like she should have been.
Fully dressed for work, she pulled open the door and looked at him peculiarly. “What’re you doing?”
“I went for a jog.”
“You’re pouring sweat, it’s cold out there. Why are you sweating so much?”
Leaning in, he pressed his lips to hers. He was assessing his feelings for her through the kiss and it wasn’t there; it was nothing like he had with Lilith.
Her pink lips quirked into a smile. “Good morning.”
With a disappointed huff, he looked around aimlessly. “How are you getting to work?”
“Tash.”
“And home?”
“Probably cab. Can you pick me up?”
“No, I won
’t be around. I think I’m going camping. Won’t have a phone.”
“Will you please tell me what the deal is?”
“I just need some space from work, from you.” With his eyes locked on hers, he saw her frown.
Putting her hand to his chest, she dolefully said, “You’ve been distant.”
He snickered, “No I haven’t. I’ve been with you more than—” Catching himself, he abruptly stopped and reassessed what he was saying. “Not.”
Taking half a step back, she complained, “It’s not enough.” Her arms folded over her chest, drawing his attention.
He stared at her cleavage, comparing hers to Lilith’s. He couldn’t help think her fake breasts lacked what Lilith’s perky, full chest had.
She pulled him from his compare and contrast daze by saying, “I want to move in together.”
He responded with the first thing that came to mind. “I’m not ready for that.”
“When will you be? You told me we were going to start moving forward, babe.”
“I didn’t say that!” he scoffed.
“You told me a few months ago. Before—” Her eyes drifted away. “Everything that happened, happened.”
“You could have died, Karen.” His stare held contempt and disgust. “I know I don’t want to lose you, but I’m not ready to settle down, especially after that. I love you, Kare, but you need to take care of yourself before we can be together forever.”
“Oh god, Ian!” she huffed, turning away from him. “Just because it’s marriage doesn’t mean it’s forever! I can still divorce you. I can still leave. Marriage proves our connection, it doesn’t guarantee a forever.” She reached out for his stomach.
Stopping her from touching him, he told her, “We don’t have a connection anymore.” He watched her face contort. “You need to help yourself before we can even get back to where we were. You still talk about killing yourself and you almost died from this shit. You said you’d work on it, but you’re not. You didn’t take your pills the whole time you were at my place. You’re not trying.”
A gasp left her because she never expected him to say they didn’t have a bond.
“I am.” Her tone was restrained like she was fighting back tears.
“I just wanted to see you,” he muttered. “Have a good day at work.” Leaning in, he quickly kissed her forehead. “Get out with your friends or something. You haven’t gone out in a while.”
While he stood in the hallway, she wistfully stared at him. Staring back, he wished he could just drop the woman, leave her for good for Lilith, but it scared him to death to imagine what she’d do.
“Love you,” he mumbled, heading to the elevator.
Going the long way back to the condo, he arrived just before nine. Lilith was showered, dressed, and had breakfast waiting.
“I was getting worried about you,” she said as he walked through the door.
Seeing her immediately filled the hole he felt in his chest; he grabbed her, kissing her the way he did Karen. It was there, it was there every time he kissed her and there was no doubt it would always remain.
He’s deluded Himself
I’m so happy in Lily’s arms and when Karen touches me, I barely notice. I stare into Karen’s sad blue eyes and they’re always screaming for help; I’m always throwing life rings, but she’s drifting further away. I don’t know why, but that scares me.
I don’t want to stop kissing Lily but I’m starving and she made a ton of food that smells incredible.
“Did you eat already?” I ask, sitting.
“I’m not hungry. I thought I was but I can’t even keep a grape down.” Her smile turns downward and I pull her into my lap.
“You’re sure you want to marry me?” I ask and she looks at me like I’m fucking crazy.
“Of course. I said yes.” She holds up her hand, flaunting her ring.
“Marriage is forever,” I say, waiting for a very similar response as Karen’s.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean if you and I get married, that’s all there is. I will be with you forever. Don’t you agree? You don’t want to get married and count down the days to a divorce, do you?”
“No.” She kisses me softly. “If I marry you it’s because I want to be with you forever. I know it’s a secret to most of the world, but this isn’t something I want to fail at or give up on like most of the things I’ve done in my life.”
I scoff, “Like what?”
She’s not a failure.
“School for one.” She’s smiling like she misses it. “Sanity.” She chuckles.
I open my mouth to say something, but she puts her finger to my lips.
“You and I are connected and it will be forever, especially when we’re married. You sure you’re up for that? What if one day I can’t take your relationship with Karen anymore?”
“Then she’s gone,” I say with no hesitation or remorse because it’s obvious Lily is the right girl for me, and it’s obvious I’m a selfish prick for not committing fully to only her.
“You say that, Ian, but it’s not true. I know you love her and you somehow feel responsible for her. You don’t feel like that with me, do you?” There’s sad worry on her face that I don’t want her to feel.
“No,” I lie. “I want you. For the rest of my life. I don’t feel I owe you anything.” That last sentence is a lie. “I don’t want to lose Karen, but I won’t lose you.” I kiss her shoulder and somehow she smiles.
How can you smile at that? If she said it to me, I’d probably flip the table. God, she really is the most amazing person I’ve ever met, so why can’t I get rid of Karen? It might be because I know Lily will never make me. Don’t get me wrong, having sex with two different women is nice, but the sex I have with Lily is amazing enough to satiate me, but I’m not going to give up the variety if I don’t have to.
“We’ll make this work.” She kisses my cheek and gets up. The past two days she’s happier than she’s been the past couple weeks since Barbados and unfortunately I’m looking forward to terminating the pregnancy now because I see what the difference would be. My Freyja will be back.
“Dr. Russo called your phone, baby.” She brings me my cellphone and I wonder if she’s gone through my texts. Not that I’m hiding anything; the only things that would upset her would be my texts to Karen, but those aren’t a secret.
“Did you talk to him? I’m assuming it’s about today.” I look at her.
“I have not spoken to him. He suggested coming with me, but I don’t need that. Does he know about us?”
“I didn’t tell him.” I shrug, listening to the voicemail. “It was about today,” I confirm with a nod. “I think he might know, but I didn’t tell him.”
“Baby.” She grabs my face in her soft hands and I can smell her peach hand lotion. “I want you all to myself, I really do, but if you don’t stop this, Karen will find out and in the end it’s going to cause a lot of heartache and grief for all of us. Please stop being careless. I told you I don’t want to hurt her or torture her. You need to really think about what you’re doing. I’d love to flaunt you as my fiancé, but I won’t, so please stop flaunting it to other people that you have a fiancée and a girlfriend. It’s really dick.”
“I don’t mean to.” I kiss her thumb and turn back to the table. “I’m gonna be more careful.” That’s a lie. I probably won’t because it’s hard not to show off Lily as being mine.
The two hour drive is agonizing, for me. She’s silently mouthing along to . . . I don’t even know what. I can’t focus on music right now; I’m about to have my son or daughter violently removed from her stomach. Fuck me, why’d I agree to this? Did I even have a choice? It really seemed like I didn’t, but maybe if I tried harder.
I look over at her and she’s staring out the window still singing to some depressing shit. Unintentionally, I lunge at the radio, turning it off. I don’t know why I reacted so harshly, but the music was much more depressing than my mood. Sh
e snaps her head to look at me then reaches her hand out and softly rubs my arm. I’m trying to smile, but I can’t; I can’t unfurl my brows or move the tight line my lips are pressed in. Her hand is on my knee and she’s softly, quietly singing with no music. This is much more soothing; she can really sing and I wish she did it more. I slide my hand over hers and I’m starting to relax a little.
***
This fucking place is a hell; the staff is very friendly, but every female in this office has shame all over her face. I don’t know what they’re so ashamed of. If you’re not sure then you shouldn’t be here. They’re all younger, well younger than me at least. There’s three other males here and two have hoodies on with their hoods up, sleeping in the chair next to the woman they’re with, and the third is loudly on his cellphone with his ‘homeboy’.
My leg is bouncing nervously. I really wish I would have read over the pamphlet they mailed Lily. I wish I would have asked her questions or something. She puts her hand on my knee to stop my bouncing and she’s softly rubbing. I should be consoling her, not the other way around.
They call her name and my heart thuds to a stop briefly. She stands, and like a robot I follow suit. It’s like I’m not my own man and I’m being controlled by a puppeteer. Thankfully too because I would have been in the lobby still. The nurse is talking, but I’m not listening; I’m looking around the mauve accented room. It’s grossly feminine, like my mom’s bathroom.
“So we’re going to take her for the screening now and she going to be administered the meds. It’s going to be four or more hours, so if you want to leave, feel free. We’ll contact you if it’s sooner, but four hours is usually the minimum.” The nurse is staring at me.
“What do you mean?” I stand. “I can’t stay with her?” I glance at Lily; I don’t think she realized this either.
“No, I’m sorry, it can only be Lilith.” She smiles nicely, like I’m just going to be like ‘well okay, later!’ Fuck that! I’m not some punk who knocked up his teenage girlfriend! They are not taking her for four hours and I have no fucking clue what is going on! This is fucking ridiculous!