The Fireman's Secret

by Jessica Keller

  Swerving off at an exit, he followed the signs that guided him to a nature preserve. No other cars were in the lot, probably because of the storm. He cut the engine and threw himself back against the headrest with a deep breath.

  You have changed my life.

  “You’re right there. But not in the way you imagined.” Joel steepled his fingers and rested the tips against his nose as he closed his eyes. “God, what am I supposed to do? You led me back to Goose Harbor for this? It seems cruel. I know I made mistakes.” Don’t minimize issues. “I know I sinned against You. But I thought You said once forgiveness is given, You make the transgression go away. It sure doesn’t feel like that. This one keeps coming back again and again. I’ll never be anything but the man who set fire to that church. Will I?”

  * * *

  Shelby reached across the small table at Fair Tradewinds Coffee to squeeze Paige’s tanned hand. “Tell me all about the honeymoon.”

  Paige couldn’t seem to smile wide enough. “I’m afraid there isn’t much to tell. We didn’t do much sightseeing and spent most of our time lying on the sand like two beached whales outside our resort.”

  “I’m sure you guys found enough to keep you busy.” Shelby rolled her eyes.

  “Hey.” Paige pretended to swat her. “That’s your brother’s private life you’re nosing into.”

  Shelby held up her hands. “Believe me when I say I don’t want to know anything as long as you say you’re happy. That’s all that matters.”

  “Incandescently so. Your brother is amazing and I already love being his wife.” Paige sipped her iced mocha. “Enough about me. I need to be caught up to speed on your love life.”

  If Paige had asked her a week ago, Shelby would have squealed with excitement and told her she might be in love with Joel Palermo. Their last time together had been nothing short of a daydream experience. A million times over, she’d replayed in her mind the way he had told her she was worth cherishing, and relived each kiss and tender look. But those memories were always followed by the same question—why hadn’t she heard from him since then?

  Old fears and the lies she’d believed for so long crowded her thoughts. He’d only pretended not to care about the scars, but really he thought she was disgusting and never wanted to see her again. Joel had done the kind thing, letting her feel loved for a short time, instead of screaming and running away. Knowing how rejection hurt, he’d wanted to spare her feelings so he had simply played along.

  Scenarios marched through her thoughts one after another, and for each one, the ending remained the same—Joel didn’t want her.

  Shelby confessed to Paige the romantic moments she and Joel had shared and the sweet words he had said.

  Paige set down her mug. “Wow. So he knows about your scars? You showed him.”

  “Not by choice. He saw me when I was swimming.”

  “It sounds like he’s a keeper.”

  “Except he hasn’t returned any of my calls, and he hasn’t showed up at the building site all week. At first, I thought he must be on shift, but even then he usually stops by. My contractor told me Joel’s been stopping by his office every evening to get caught up on the progress, which tells me he’s purposely avoiding me.” That, and the contractor grumbled about Joel and a police officer nosing around the site. At least he still cared about the church project.

  Paige shook her head. “That’s not necessarily the case. Remember, he’s been through a lot in his life, and it’s possible he’s afraid to let you down or worried he’s not good enough for you, or any number of things. What he needs now, more than ever, is your understanding and compassionate heart. Be patient with him and try not to jump to conclusions until you talk to him.”

  Shelby traced her fingers over a stain on the table. “It gets harder the more time goes by.”

  “Don’t forget that Caleb and I had our time apart with misunderstandings.”

  More people were filing into the coffee shop. Soon the tourists would jam the place and fall for the Screaming Joe.

  Shelby kept her voice low so nearby tables couldn’t overhear. “What if...what if he regrets kissing me? I don’t think I can bare that.”

  “You can ask him right now.” Paige waved her arms like she was landing a plane.

  Shelby glanced behind her and her breath caught as Joel made his way from the cashier to their table. He wore jeans and a green T-shirt. A man shouldn’t be allowed to look that good in something so simple. Or this early in the morning.

  Shelby tried to smooth her messed-up-from-the-humidity hair.

  Paige vacated her chair and offered it to him. “Here. I was just about to leave.”

  “That’s awful kind of you, Mrs. Beck.”

  “Ooh!” Paige giggled. “Say that again.”

  Joel winked. “That was awful kind of you.”

  “No. The Mrs. Beck part.” She swatted his arm. “All right, you two have fun. Caleb will be waking up any minute and probably won’t find the note I left saying I was catching coffee with my favorite sister. And his mind will jump to all sorts of horrible places. People are apt to do that when they don’t have all the information. Wouldn’t you both agree?”

  “’Bye, Paige.” Shelby gritted her teeth. She loved Paige dearly, but the woman sure knew how to press an issue. Her sister-in-law strolled away from their table and stopped a few times to visit with people before finally exiting the shop.

  Joel stood awkwardly by the vacated chair.

  Shelby looked up at him. “You don’t have to sit there if you don’t want to.”

  “I want to.” He crossed his tanned arms over his chest. “I’m just waiting for them to call my name for my coffee.”

  “Oh.”

  A moment later, they did, and he went to get his mug. As he sat down across from her, he took a long drink of the liquid, then set his coffee on the table. But he didn’t say anything.

  Humor always helped to break the ice, right? “Let me guess—you got yourself a Screaming Joe.”

  He grinned, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I learned that lesson the hard way. This one is a sissy coffee caramel something or other.” He sipped again, then set the cup back down. His eyes found hers. “How have you been, Shelb?”

  She rubbed her arms. “Good, I guess, but definitely confused.”

  “About the church?”

  She frowned. He knew what she meant. Why make her say it?

  “No. I’m good about the church, but where you’re concerned I don’t know what to think. One moment you’re treating me like I’m the best person you’ve ever met and—”

  “That’s because you are the best person I’ve ever met.” He stared at the steam drifting off his coffee.

  She raised her voice, not caring who heard. “Then why haven’t you returned my phone calls?” Everyone within earshot probably thought she was some overattached girlfriend. So be it.

  Joel leaned forward and spoke softly. “That morning together will go down in my memory as one of the best moments in my entire life.”

  “Why do I feel like there’s a but coming?”

  “But I don’t know the first thing about being a boyfriend. I’m saying this because I care about you so much. You deserve better than me. Caleb was right when he said to steer clear of me because of my past. More right than I could have known.”

  “That’s ridiculous.” She snaked her hand across the table to grab his. “I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. It’s not like I’ve ever been one. We’ll learn together.” She let go of his hand and sat back. “Honestly, I’m glad it’s about this. I thought you were grossed out about my skin.”

  “I told you I wasn’t. I don’t care about your scars. Well, I care. I wish you had never had to go through the pain of having them. That’s what I mean.”

  “Don’t worry, I know what you mean. But like I said before, I can’t find it in myself to be angry about them anymore because I might not be with you if I didn’t have them.”

  “You
definitely wouldn’t be.”

  She sat up straighter. “Excuse me?”

  He had the decency to blush. “I mean, if you had been dating, another man would have snatched you up before I ever came back to town.”

  “I’m glad that didn’t happen.”

  “It’s probably not good to be glad about experiencing pain.”

  “No, you’re wrong there. I’m starting to see more and more that God has a bigger plan for our personal pain and suffering. So much bigger than I ever imagined.”

  His eyes shifted away from hers. “Shelby, have you seen the news about the fire in Colorado?”

  “Of course. Why?” How could she miss it? The wildfire had been the first news item on every channel all week.

  “I’m thinking of going.” He tapped the table twice, almost to convince himself. “That’s why I’ve been quiet all week. I’ve been deciding if I should volunteer to help.”

  “Wouldn’t it be dangerous?”

  “No more dangerous than when I did it before.”

  But she hadn’t known to worry and fear for his safety before. She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn’t find the words to tell him not to go. It would be selfish to stop him from serving others.

  He fiddled with the handle of his coffee mug. Basically, he did everything except look her in the eye. “If I go, would you be able to watch Dante for me?”

  “Of course.”

  “I need to see Wheeler, then. He wants to talk to me, and I’m assuming he’ll be asking if I’ve made up my mind.” He downed the rest of his coffee and stood. “See you later?”

  “Definitely.” She watched him walk away and tried to feel comforted by their conversation. Of course Joel would be worried about the people in Colorado. They might lose their homes. Their livelihoods. He cared about others. She’d seen this side of his personality many times since he returned to Goose Harbor, and liked him for it.

  But she couldn’t shake the feeling he was hiding something. Was the fire more dangerous than usual? Could he be concerned she would worry too much? The next time they talked, she’d have to find out the reason for his stilted answers.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “You wanted to see me, sir?” Joel tapped on the chief’s office door. He’d come to the fire station quickly after receiving a message from Wheeler. The conversation with Shelby hadn’t been planned, but he was glad it happened the way it did. Well, as glad as a man could be about shooting himself in the foot.

  Going to Colorado would be good for him. He’d be on his own again and have time to spend with his thoughts. Get back in touch with the old Joel. Shelby would have time to realize they weren’t a good fit for each other. His past loomed like a roadblock. It was either turn around or bust his tires going forward. Tires were expensive so he pulled a U-turn on their relationship. It was the only reasonable option.

  Wheeler finished watering a large hibiscus plant sitting on his windowsill before answering Joel. “How many times will I have to tell you not to call me sir?”

  “Probably a couple of thousand and then some after that.” Joel entered the room.

  “Go ahead and close the door and take a seat.”

  Joel swallowed hard. Most conversations with Wheeler didn’t require a closed door. Certainly, asking if he was going to Colorado wouldn’t have called for that. Joel racked his brain for what he’d done wrong in the past week or so. Maybe the chief was going to yell at him because of how he treated Shelby on the dog-bite case. If so, Joel could handle that. He had been unprofessional. A day or two suspension would be appropriate and he’d tell the chief so.

  Chief Wheeler rested against the front of his desk. “In the past week, I’ve noticed you haven’t been acting like yourself here at the station. You’ve been moodier than usual.”

  The man spoke the truth. While Joel had been wrestling with what to do about Shelby, he had been quieter than usual, which was saying a lot for an introvert like him. “I’m sorry, Chief. I won’t let my personal life get in the way of my job again.”

  “I’m not asking you to pretend to be happy when you’re not.” Wheeler turned his paperweight around and around in his hand. “I called you in here because I want to know how I can help you. Seeing one of my men struggling doesn’t sit well with me. How can I pray for you?”

  Yes! Ask God to change the past. Or not have Shelby mad when she learns. Or...

  “I prefer to keep my personal life private, if that’s all right.” Joel tossed his response out quickly because he was afraid he might actually tell Wheeler everything. The chief possessed a welcoming spirit that made a person want to share things with him. But the truth would mean Joel’s job. And having arson on his record would ruin any chance he’d have of ever securing a position as a firefighter again.

  Wheeler set the paperweight on his desk with a thud. “Son, you’ve been carrying a burden for a long time. Too long. It’s got you tied down and changing yourself just to protect the heavy load. You think no one will care or have your back when you finally talk, but that’s where you’re wrong. Share it with me so I can help you.”

  If he wasn’t a grown man, Joel might have been tempted to cover his ears and hum. The chief was right. The secret weighed on his soul. Often, he couldn’t find words to pray because it seemed like God wouldn’t listen to a man with a past like Joel’s. Despite the consequences, he wanted to tell someone, especially now that Shelby was involved.

  Joel shoved his fingers against his closed eyes. “I burned down the church.” He hunched his shoulders and waited for the yelling. Braced himself to be fired on the spot. For Wheeler to not have his back even though he’d just promised he would.

  The chief sighed. “I know you did. I’ve known your secret for a long time.”

  Joel’s head snapped up. Wheeler didn’t look shocked or angry. All of his body language—uncrossed arms and legs, his stance leaning slightly toward Joel, open face—told him to keep talking, but Joel couldn’t. He’d just shared his darkest secret and received no reaction.

  “You can’t know I did it.” Joel rubbed his palms back and forth over the fabric on his thighs. “No one knows. It’s not possible.”

  Wheeler pursed his lips. “No offense, son, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who burned down the church. It went up, and hours later, you were reported missing and never seen again. The rest of the town was too wrapped up with the destruction of the church to connect the two, but it sounded like an open-and-shut case to me.”

  “Are you going to fire me?” Even to his own ears, Joel’s voice sounded very small in the closed room.

  “Let’s see.” He scratched his beard. “It wouldn’t go well for business if the town discovered we had a firefighter who liked to play arson.”

  Then that was it. He’d lost his job and any life he’d hoped to build here or anywhere. One confession had brought him right back to being that sixteen-year-old boy with no home, no family and no place to go.

  Sitting in his chair wouldn’t work anymore. His legs needed to move. “It’s not like I enjoyed doing it. I was a stupid kid who was mad at God.” Joel grabbed the back of his neck, and paced in the small space by the windows. “Why did I even tell you?”

  “Because your heart is too good to hold that type of all-consuming secret. You want to be a better man, Joel, I see that about you. But you can’t move on until you close this chapter in your life.”

  Joel stopped pacing and looked out the window. He watched boats leave wakes in the lake. Let his eyes fix on a couple of tourists having fun on a WaveRunner. While they laughed, his life crumbled.

  He braced his hands on the shelf full of photographs that ran the length of the windows. “Even if closing that chapter means being arrested for a crime I committed when I was an angry teen?”

  Wheeler scooted off his desk and sat in one of the chairs usually reserved for guests. He pointed to the second seat. Joel took the hint and sat back down.

  The chief dragged his chair
so they faced each other. “I don’t know if you are aware, but I’m the firefighter who rescued Shelby.”

  Sweat had broken out on the back of Joel’s neck and arms. A drop rolled down his shirt. “I wasn’t aware.”

  The chief must despise him, and he had every right to. Joel pictured a younger Wheeler fighting to get into the blaze and then searching all the rooms to see if anyone was inside. The chief would have found Shelby passed out under a burning beam, removed it and carried her to safety. He would have endured seeing her oozing burns, melted skin and charred hair. Perhaps he’d heard her screams and cries when she’d regained consciousness.

  The coffee in Joel’s stomach rolled.

  During training, instructors tried to prepare future firefighters for such sights, but nothing they did could really get a person ready. Especially not when a child was involved. Joel had dry heaved for days after rescuing his first burn victim. And he knew from his own experience that Wheeler must envision Shelby, burned, in his mind over and over.

  Joel dropped his head into his hands as tears started to gather. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. You have no idea how much I’ve regretted starting that fire. I’ve wished it away a hundred times.” He was openly sobbing now. When was the last time he had cried? He’d been a child. Single digits. But he couldn’t stop the tears. They choked him and made it hard to speak.

  Wheeler laid his hand on Joel’s shoulder. “Shelby’s become like a daughter to me over the years. I feel a need to protect her. When she was in the hospital, I brought her flowers and held her hand. She’s just as much a part of my family as my own children.”

  Joel wiped his face with the back of his arm. “I understand. I’ll never talk to her again. I told her this morning that I’m no good for her.”

  “But did you tell her you set the fire that changed her life?”

  A lump the size of Michigan lodged itself in Joel’s throat. He swallowed a few times. “No.” He shook his head. “I can’t. She’d hate me. How do you tell someone something like that?”