*
There was once a young man who was fixated on the female breast, and he decided to seek professional help. The first test his new psychotherapist performed was one of simple word-association. “Simply say the first word that comes into your mind,” the doctor explained. “Orange.”
“Breast,” said the young man without hesitation.
“Plum,” said the doctor.
“Breast,” said the young man.
“Grapefruit,” said' the doctor.
“Breast,” said the young man.
“Windshield wipers,” said the doctor.
“Breast,” said the young man.
“Now just hold on a second,” said the doctor. “Oranges I can see reminding you of breasts. Plums, maybe; grapefruit if you're stretching it. But windshield wipers?”
“Sure,” said the young man. “First this one, then that one . . .”
*
There was a promiscuous young couple making out in the back seat of a car. Temperatures were rising and things were getting pretty intense, and finally the girl gasped, “Oh darling, darling, kiss me where it smells.”
So he drove her to New Jersey.
*
What's the difference between a bowling ball and pussy?
You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
*
Why did God invent booze?
So that fat, ugly girls could get laid, too.
*
Why do little Polish girls put fish in their underwear?
So they'll smell like big Polish girls.
*
A young couple was making out feverishly on her parents' sofa a few days before their wedding. “Oh baby,'' moaned the groom-to-be, “please let me see your breasts. I just wanna look.” His fiancée blushed and protested, but unbuttoned her shirt.
“Oh honey,” he moaned, “let me kiss them.”
“Don't you think we should wait till the wedding?” she asked, but it was already too late.
Pretty soon he was begging her to take off her panties. “I just wanna look, I swear,” he panted.
“I really think we should wait till the wedding like we said we would,” she said, but was finally persuaded by the fact that he was just going to look.
Well, she was adamant about not letting him kiss her down there, insisting that was something special they should wait for. But after a good half hour of artful argument, he had his way. Only to stick his head up a moment later and say anxiously, “Baby, you think that'll keep till Sunday?”
*
Why did God create women?
Because sheep can't cook.
*
What's a perfect 10?
A woman about waist-high with no teeth and a flat head you can rest your drink on.
*
What's a Cinderella 10?
A woman who sucks and fucks till midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
*
Did you hear about the new feminine-hygiene product?
It's called Toxic Shock Absorbers.
Male Anatomy
The newlyweds had never slept together and were most eager to consummate their union. The bride in her eagerness insisted on undressing the groom, but stopped dead upon removing his shoes and socks, finding his toes grossly misshapen.
“Not to worry,” the groom explained. “A case of toelio when I was a child.”
The bride proceeded apace, only to stop again with an expression of shock on her face once she had taken off his pants.
“Nothing but a childhood case of kneesles,” he reassured her.
Down to the basics, she reached for his jockey shorts. “I know, I know,” she interrupted before her husband could say a word, “nothing but a case of smallcox.”
*
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How d'you breathe through that thing?”
*
Why did God give black men such huge pricks?
Because he was so sorry about what He'd done to their hair.
*
What's long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.
*
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
“How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!”
*
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
“Stand back! I don't know how big this thing's gonna get!”
*
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a peanut-butter sandwich?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
*
What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.
*
A man came into a bar, sat down at the bar for a drink, and noticed that there was a horse in the back of the room with a big pot of money in front of it. “What's that all about?” he asked the bartender.
“You gotta put a dollar in the pot,” explained the bartender, “and you collect the pot if you can make the horse laugh.”
The guy went over to the horse, whispered in its ear, and the horse cracked up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter. And the fellow picked up the pot and walked out.
Five years later the same guy walked into the same bar and saw the same horse at the back with another big pot of money in front of it. “It's not so easy,” said the bartender. “This time you gotta make the horse cry.”
The guy walked over to the horse, and in a matter of minutes the horse fell to its knees, sobbing as though its heart were breaking. The guy picked up the pot and was on his way out the door when the bartender stopped him.
“Hey,” he said, “at least tell us how you did it.”
“Easy,” said the guy. “The first time I told him my prick was bigger than his, and the second time I showed him.”
*
The routine practice of circumcision was part of a certain doctor's job, and he found himself reluctant to throw the foreskins away after the operation. So he saved them all up in a jar of formaldehyde. Many years went by, the time came for the doctor to retire from practice, and when cleaning out his office he came across the jar, which by this time contained hundreds of foreskins. It seemed a pity to throw them out after all this time, so, certain that they could be put to some use, he took them down to the tailor around the corner and asked that he make something with them.
“No problem,” said the tailor. “Come back in a week.”
A week later the tailor proudly presented the doctor with a wallet. “Now wait just a minute!” protested the doctor. “There were literally hundreds of foreskins in that jar, and all I've got to show for it is a measly wallet?”
“Relax,” said the tailor. “You rub it for a little bit, and it turns into a suitcase.”
*
A black couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father got up to buy some popcorn, the boy piped up, “Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?”
“That's the elephant's trunk, dear,” she replied.
“No, not that.”
“Oh, that's the elephant's tail.”
“No, Mom. Down underneath!”
His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that's nothing.” Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left, the boy repeated his question.
“That's the elephant's trunk, son.”
“Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end.”
“Oh, that's the elephant's tail.”
“No. Down there.”
The father took a good look and explained, “That's the elephant's penis.”
“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”
The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I've spoiled that woman.”
*
What's the new Webster's de
finition of “small?”
“Is it in yet?”
*
Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can.
*
What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
*
A Polish couple wants a black baby more than anything in the world, but all their efforts come to nothing. Finally, one day they're walking down the street when they spot a black couple with a beautiful black child in a stroller. So they walk over, explain their greatest desire, and ask the parents for their secret.
“For one thing,” says the black man, “you gotta be eight inches long.”
“No problem,” says the Pole.
“For another,” the black goes on, “you gotta be at least three and a half inches around.”
“So that's the problem!” exclaims the Pole, turning to his wife. “We've been letting too much light in!”
Did you hear about the masochist who said to her boyfriend, “Give me nine inches and make it hurt.”^
He fucked her twice and slapped her.
*
This young man decided that, physically, he simply wasn't adequately endowed. Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he went to a doctor and announced his desire to have his penis surgically enlarged.
The doctor checked things out and told the young man that the only real improvement that could be surgically worked was to implant a section of a baby elephant's trunk.
Rather a radical solution, agreed the patient, but he was adamant. The operation was performed without any complications, and after a few weeks of recuperation the young man decided it was time to try out his new accoutrement.
He asked a lovely young woman of his acquaintance out to dinner at an elegant restaurant. They were having a quiet conversation when his new organ, which had been comfortably resting in his left pants leg, whipped out over the table, grabbed a hard roll, and just as speedily disappeared from sight.
“Wow!” said the girl, truly impressed. “Can you do that again?”
“Sure,” said the fellow, “but I don't know if my asshole can stand another hard roll.”
*
Three guys were having an argument about who was more generously endowed. Finally, to settle the matter once and for all, they went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to unzip their flies.
“Pretty good, huh,” said Mort, whose cock was hanging all the way down to the fifty-seventh floor.
“I got you beat cold,” said Bill, whose cock was dangling just below a window on the forty-ninth.
They looked over at the third guy, who was dancing a curious sort of jig, jumping from one foot to the other and peering anxiously over the edge of the observation deck.
“What the hell are you doing, Harry?” they asked.
“Dodging traffic,” he replied.
*
It was time for sex-education class, and the teacher asked the class, “Children, who can tell me what breasts are?”
“My Mommy has breasts,” piped up Rhonda. “She has two of them.”
“Right you are, Rhonda,” praised the teacher. “Now who can tell me what a penis is?”
“I know,” said Eric. “My Daddy has two of them.”
“Are you sure?” asked the teacher, puzzled.
“Uh huh,” said Eric. “One's about this long,” holding his hands about four inches apart, “and looks like mine, and the other's about this long,” holding his hands about seven inches apart, “and he uses it to brush Mommy's teeth with.”
*
What's hard and straight going in, and soft and sticky coming out?
Chewing gum.
*
Two guys were sitting on a bridge passing the time of day and drinking beer, and pretty soon they both had to take a leak. Wanting to impress his companion, the first guy said, “Gee, this water’s cold.”
“And deep,” said his friend.
*
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
*
What's twelve inches long and white?
Nothing.
Cruelty to Animals
Bumper sticker: NUKE THE WHALES!
*
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.
“Okay, Rover,” said the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in ten minutes had constructed a full-scale model of Chartres Cathedral out of toothpicks. Pretty impressive, everyone agreed, and the architect gave Rover a cookie.
“Hit it, Spot,” said the doctor, and Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean section on a cow, with mom and baby coming through the operation in fine shape. Not bad, conceded the other two, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.
“Go, Fella,” ordered the lawyer. So Fella fucked the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
*
An elephant was walking along the jungle path when he got a thorn in his foot. He was unable to extract it and gave up all hope until an ant came along the same path. “Ant,” said the elephant, “will you get this thorn out of my foot?”
“If I get to do what I want to do,” piped the ant.
And what was that, inquired the elephant.
“I want to fuck you in the ass,” the ant replied.
Well, the elephant's foot was hurting pretty badly by then, so he told the ant he had a deal (and besides, how bad could it be?). After a few minutes the ant succeeded in working the thorn free. “Are you ready now, elephant?” he piped. Being an honorable elephant, he conceded he was as ready as he was ever going to be and lay still while the ant made his laborious way around to his ass, heaved his tail out of the way, and began to fuck him in the ass.
A monkey high in a tree witnessed the entire transaction. Unable to contain his hysteria at the sight of the ant pumping away at the elephant's rear, he began to heave coconuts down at them; beast. He managed to hit the elephant square on the head, eliciting a pained, “Ouch!”
“Take it all, bitch!” squealed the ant.
*
What can you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag.
*
A guy comes into a bar and the first thing he sees in the middle of the room is an enormous alligator. He spins around and is hustling out the door when the bartender says, “Hey, hold it! Come on back in; this alligator's tame. Look, I'll show you.”
He comes out from behind the bar, tells the alligator to open its mouth, unzips his pants and whips it out, and stands there with his pecker in the alligator's mouth for a full fifteen minutes.
“Pretty amazing, huh?” he says, turning around and zipping himself up. “You wanna give it a try?”
“Gee, I don't think so,” says the first man. “I don't think I could keep my mouth open for fifteen minutes.”
*
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her in a beautiful, shining blue gown and tells her she can have any three wishes she wants.
“Well,” says the little old lady, “I guess I'd like to be really rich.”
And—poof!—her rocking chair turns into solid gold.
“And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being changed into a lovely young princess.”
And—poof!—she's metamorphosed into a dazzling young woman.
“You get a third wish,” reminds the fairy godmother gently, and just then the old lady's cat walks across the porch in front of them.
“Can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks, and—poof!—there before her stands a young man more handsome than her wildest imaginings.
Wi
th a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, “Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?”
*
Did you hear about the Polish fox that caught its paw in a trap?
It gnawed off three feet before it got free.
*
What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.
*
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
*
A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest girl there. “This is a very special frog, “ he informs her. “His name is Charlie.”
“What's so special about this frog?” she asks. He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, “This frog can eat pussy.”
The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and says, “Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!”
The frog is immobile, despite his owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
“Okay, Charlie,” says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, Tm only going to show you one more time.”
*
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it dies.
*
How do you get virgin wool?
From ugly sheep.
*
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big, flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
*
What did one Muppet say to the other?
“I can't talk now—I've got a frog in my throat.”
Truly Tasteless Jokes One Page 5