*
What's red and green and goes up and down and up and down?
A frog in a blender.
*
What do you get when you cross a Pole and a gorilla?
A retarded gorilla.
*
A man comes into a tavern and puts his legless dog down on the bar. The bartender comes up to ask him for his order and says, by way of friendly conversation, “What's your dog's name?”
“He doesn't have a name,” says the man.
The bartender fixes a second round and, in the process, can't resist asking, “C'mon, what's the dog's name?”
“I told you he doesn't have one.”
Over the third round the bartender leans conspiratorially over the bar and says, “I just can't believe you. Every dog has a name.”
“Not this one,” says the man. “What's the good of it? He can't come when I call.”
*
What do you call a masturbating bull?
Beef Stroganoff.
*
This blind fellow walked into Macy's with his seeing-eye dog and headed straight for the men's department. Surrounded by pajamas and neckties, he proceeded to come to a stop, pick up bis German Shepherd by the hind legs, and swing the dog around and around in a circle.
A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, “Sir . . . may I help you with anything?''
“No thanks,” said the blind man, “just looking.”
*
What's invisible and smells like rabbit?
Bunny farts.
*
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked pretty terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
“I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache . . . and he came down by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.
“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his little flea arms. “You go to the stewardesses' lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on a toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stew comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice, warm ride. Got it?”
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, whom should he see but Oscar—looking more chilled and miserable than before.
“Listen,” said Oscar before the other flea could say a word, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardesses' lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, made a perfect landing, and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.”
“And so?” asked the flea.
“And so the next thing I know I'm on some guy's mustache ...”
*
How can you tell when an elephant's got her period?
There's a nickel on the bedstand, and your mattress is missing.
Miscellaneous
How do you fit five comedians in a Volkswagen
Two in the front seat, two in the back, and Richard Pryor in the ashtray.
*
What's white and flies across the ocean?
Lord Mountbatten's tennis shoes.
*
A doctor was walking down the hospital corridor and stopped to speak to the head nurse.
“Oh doctor,” she said, “you've got your thermometer stuck behind your ear.”
“Shit!” cried the doctor. “Some asshole has my pen!”
*
Have you ever smelled mothballs?
No! How do you get their legs apart?
*
Imagine the President's dismay when he woke up one winter morning in the White House to see outside his window, written in pee in the fresh snow, “The President sucks.” Furious, he summoned the Secret Service, the police, and the FBI, and told them they had better come up with the culprit—fast.
That afternoon a hapless officer arrived in the Oval Office to give the President the results of their investigation. “We have definitively established that it's the Vice-President's urine,” he said, “but I'm afraid it's the First Lady's handwriting.”
*
What's the difference between a rock-and-roller and a pig?
A pig won't stay up all night to fuck a rock-and-roller.
*
What are the five biggest lies?
“The check is in the mail.”
“I won't come in your mouth.”
“Some of my best friends are Jewish.”
“Black is beautiful.”
“I’m from your government, and I'm here to help you.”
*
How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the chair out from under him.
*
How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Three. One to eat the 'possum, and two to watch for cars.
*
What's wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
Fred Astaire's face.
*
Two cannibals are having dinner together. The guest says to his host, “Your wife sure makes good soup.”
“Yeah, but I'm going to miss her,” his friend replies.
*
Harry and Rachel are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary at the Fontainebleau and it's a hell of a party: champagne, caviar, toasts by all of their best friends who've assembled for the occasion. Fianally, tired and happy, the couple retires to their luxurious suite.
“Rachel,” says Harry, “you know, this would be the perfect evening if only . . .”
“Oh, Harry,” sighs Rachel, “I thought you got over that years ago. You know I don't like it.”
“But, Rachel, it's such a special night. Just this once . .
“Harry, you know how I feel about this sort of thing.”
“I know, I know,” pleads Harry, “but you know how muoh it'll mean to me.”
So Rachel finally goes down on him. Just as she's finishing up, the phone rings.
Harry gets up on one elbow and says, “Answer the phone, cocksucker.”
*
Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Because the Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
Why didn't the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Because she went out with Mr. Softee.
*
Why is the Urban Cowboy's mustache all brown and scuzzy?
He's lookin' for love in all the wrong places.
*
A guy was sitting having a few at the local pub when he observed a very lovely young woman sitting only a few chairs down. He moved over and proceeded to engage her in general conversation, finally screwing up his courage to ask her out to a movie.
She hauled off and slugged him so hard he landed on his ass on the floor. “Gee,” he said, picking himself up, “I guess a blow job is out of the question, huh?”
*
How can you tell the head nurse?
By the dirt on her knees.
*
What do you call nuts on a wall?
Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chin?
A blow job.
*
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
*
What did Raggedy Anne say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?
“Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!”
*
A man was having a few in the local bar when he noticed a sailor sitting at the other end of the bar. The sailor had a completely normal physique except for one anomaly: his head was tiny, about the size of an orange.
The man stared at the sai
lor in puzzlement, and after a few more drinks screwed up his courage to go over and ask the sailor how his condition had come about.
The sailor took the question in good humor, and explained that some time ago he had been shipwrecked. “I came to,” he explained, “on this beautiful little beach, and heard this sad little whimpering sound behind some rocks on the shore. Investigating, I saw that it was this gorgeous mermaid who had been stranded on the rocks, so I carried her back to the water's edge. And she was so grateful that she promised to grant me any three wishes. Well, as you can imagine, my first wish was that I get off that god-forsaken island in one piece.
“ 'I’ll grant you that one after you've had the first two,' she said.
“So next I told her I'd like to be rich beyond dreams. And—whammo—there on the beach appeared a chest full of gold and jewels. And then, being a normal sort of guy—and she was cute, believe me—I asked if we could make love.
“ 'Look at me,' said the mermaid. 'It's easy to see I'm not built for that sort of thing.'
“So I says to her, 'Okay, how about a little head!'”
*
What's the ultimate in courage?
Two cannibals having oral sex.
*
For decades two heroic bronze statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. “You've been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to.” And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking conspiratorially.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit on its head.”
*
What's the black stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.
*
The boss came in and asked the new secretary, “Ellen, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?”
“No,” she replied.
“Great! Let's have lunch.”
*
A woman came to the supermarket, went over to the butcher counter, and announced her desire to buy a Long Island duck. The butcher, a recent employee, obligingly went into the back room and came out with a fine-looking duck.
The woman stuck her finger up the duck's ass and announced, Tm sorry, this won't do. This is a Maine duck.”
The butcher raised his eyebrows, but soon returned with another duck.
“No,” pronounced the woman, her finger up the second duck's ass, “this duck is from Minnesota.”
Barely restraining himself, the butcher fetched a third duck.
“Now this,” said the woman, smiling after performing the same inspection, “this is a Long Island duck. Thank you so much.” She was about to leave when she turned back to the counter and asked, “Say, you're new here, aren't you? Where are you from?”
The butcher pulled down his pants, turned around, and said, “You tell me, lady.”
*
An aged couple showed up in their lawyer's office bright and early one morning and announced that they wanted a divorce.
“Gee,” said the lawyer, “and at your age and after fifty years of married life. What brought about this decision now?”
“Well you see,” explained the couple, “we wanted to wait until the children were dead.”
*
A young guy had gone to his doctor for a routine checkup, and when he came in for the results, the doctor said gravely, “Jerry, I think you'd better sit down. I've got some good news and some bad news.”
“Okay, Doc,” said Jerry. “Give me the bad news first.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “you've got cancer. It's spreading at an unbelievably rapid rate, it's totally inoperable, and you've got about three weeks to live.”
“Jesus,” said Jerry, wiping a bead of sweat off his brow. “What's the good news?”
“You know that really cute receptionist out in the front office?”
“You bet!” said Jerry.
“The one with the big tits and the cute little ass?”
“Right!”
“And the long blond hair?”
“Yeah, yeah,” said Jerry impatiently.
“Well,” said the doctor, leaning forward with a smile,”I’m fucking her!”
Too Tasteless to Be Included in This Book
How do you get a Polish girl pregnant?
Come in her shoe and let the flies do the rest.
*
What's the difference between a slave and a tire?
A tire doesn't sing when you put the chains on.
*
What music did they play at Anwar Sadat's funeral?
I Love a Parade.
*
Two aged child molesters are sitting on a park bench, reminiscing about sexual adventures of their pasts. “Ah,” sighs one, "I remember when I had an eight-year-old with the body of a four-year-old . . ."
*
How many blacks does it take to tar a roof?
A dozen, if you slice 'em thin enough.
*
An unfortunate fellow was locked up in the state penitentiary doing five to ten for armed robbery. And all he could think of the whole time he was locked up was eating pussy.
The day finally came for his release. He walked out of the prison with the new suit and the ten dollars the officials had given him, and made a bee line for the whorehouse in the nearest town. Slamming down his ten-dollar bill on the front desk, he said, “I wanna eat some pussy.”
“Where've you been,” said the greasy fellow behind the desk. “Ten dollars these days don't buy more than a close look.”
“Listen, buddy,” said the ex-con, pulling him out of his chair by his shirt collar, “I wanna eat some pussy, and I want it now.”
“Okay, okay,” gasped the proprietor, “I'll see what I can do.” So the ex-con followed him through to the very back of the whorehouse, through some stained, tattered red curtains, and into a grimy little room where a bedraggled-looking whore lay spreadeagled on a filthy bed. “She's yours for the ten dollars,” said the proprietor, and the fellow went at it.
After a little while, he came across a piece of egg. “That's funny,” he thought to himself, “I don't think I had eggs for breakfast.” But he spat it out and kept eating away. Next he found a piece of chipped beef wedged between his front teeth.. “I'm sure I haven't eaten chipped beef this week,” he thought, but he kept on. Then he came across the corn.
“I know I haven't eaten any corn lately,” he said, sitting up. “I think Tm going to be sick.”
“Ya know,” said the whore, “that's what the last guy said.”
*
Why do blacks smell?
So that blind people can hate them too.
*
A trucker was carrying a load of bowling balls down the thruway when to his horror, the tailgate unfastened and hundreds of them went rolling across the road. He brought the big truck to a stop as fast as he could and ran back to the scene of the accident—only to see, to his astonishment, dozens of Poles already busy smashing the bowling balls with axes and sledgehammers and any other blunt instruments on hand.
“What the hell are you doing?” he asked.
“You gotta get these nigger eggs before they hatch,” they explained.
*
What's the American dream?
A million blacks swimming back to Africa with a Jew under each arm.
*
What's the definition of bad acne?
Waking up in the park with
a blind man reading your face.
*
Why does Helen Keller wear skin-tight pants?
So that people can read her lips.
Truly Tasteless Jokes One Page 6