Finding Forever (Meet the McIntyres Book 5)

by Rebecca Barber

  “It was mine,” Ryan confirmed as I dumped everything back in my bag and stuffed it back on the floor. Dealing with this disaster was future Zoe’s problem.

  “Fuck!”

  “What’s wrong?” Alex asked, his voice laced with concern.

  “It’s Connor.”

  “Great,” I grumbled, not meaning anyone to hear.

  Ryan read the message aloud.

  Connor: Is Zoe with you? Is she OK?

  “Are you going to tell me what he did this time?” Ryan asked me pointedly.

  When I’d told him we needed to get home, I explained about Jenna and that I needed to get my shit together and get back here as quick as I could. What I failed to share with him however was Connor’s comments. Even thinking about them boiled my blood. I didn’t want to put Ryan in the middle—partly because I was scared. Connor was blood. It was a given that if I pushed for him to pick sides, I’d lose, and I did not want to lose Ryan from my life. He was too important.

  “Doesn’t matter.”

  “Obviously it does,” he countered quickly. “Just tell me, Zoe. You know I’ll find out eventually anyway.”

  “He…he thought Lachlan was his.” Even repeating Connor’s accusation hurt. I knew for a fact Lachlan was all mine. Well, mine and donor number seven-four-eight-three. Only part of me wished Connor was his father. He’d be a great dad. He’d love Lachlan fiercely and protect him with everything he had. I’d already witnessed that side of him…hell, that was one of the reasons I’d ended up in his bed as many times as I had.

  “What! You’re kidding, right? He actually had the balls to ask you that?” Ryan was losing it. Proving I was right in keeping it from him. At least while we were all in the same town.

  “It’s fine.”

  “No, it’s fucking not. How dare he!”

  “Ryan, breathe. It’s fine. I told him he wasn’t, and then I may have slapped him.”

  “May have?” Alex asked, his voice laced with amusement.

  Ryan turned around and looked me straight in the eye and I couldn’t lie to him. “Fine, I slapped him. Twice.”

  Ryan burst out laughing. “I’d have paid money to see that.”

  “Well, just ask Payton or Carly. They were both there.”

  “Really?”

  “Oh, and Mia and Josie. It wasn’t my finest hour, okay? I know I shouldn’t have hit him, he was just so…just so…”

  “Annoying? Frustrating? Aggravating?”

  “All of the above?” I smiled, and it felt good. After the emotional drama of the weekend, it felt good just to let go and have a laugh.

  “So…what do you want me to say?” Ryan asked, waving his phone at me.

  Part of me wanted to be a smartass and give him cheeky answer. I didn’t owe Connor a damn thing, and the sooner he accepted that, the better off we’d both be.

  “Just reply and tell him I’m with you, and fine. That answers his questions.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yep.”

  Ryan turned back in his seat and I watched him punch out a message. I assumed he was telling Connor what I’d suggested. I didn’t really care though. I trusted Ryan. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.

  Ignoring the uneasy feeling in my stomach, I settled back in my seat and started making lists of all the things I needed to do before Derek and Mia arrived in four days’ time. When we pulled into the driveway, Ryan helped me cart all of Lachlan’s crap inside. No one told me that when you had a kid, travelling light became a thing of the past. Once everything was in and we were settled, Ryan kissed me on the temple and told me he was going to Alex’s for the night.

  Once I was alone, I fed and bathed Lachlan before putting him down in his cot. The same cot I swore would always be in his room was now sitting at the end of my bed. We didn’t even last one night before I caved and moved it, unable to sleep without him close to me. There’s so much I hadn’t been prepared for when Lachlan arrived. I couldn’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t feel so completely lost and overwhelmed. From the mothers’ groups I’d joined on social media, apparently this was completely normal. At least that’s what people have commented on my post I’d put up in the early hours of the morning between bouts of tears and pleas to my son to just sleep.

  Quietly, I padded back out to the lounge room and looked around. How I was going to get this place ready in four days I had no idea.

  ***

  Never again.

  Now I was here, this is where I was staying until I was carried out in a box.

  Moving sucked ass.

  Moving with baby in tow had me wanting to poke my eyes out.

  Alex and Ryan had helped when they could, but they had their own lives and commitments. They’d appeared each afternoon after they finished work, not only bringing food, but also helping me pack. They stacked boxes in the garage, making sure everything was clearly labelled, and hauled away stuff I wasn’t taking back. Like the pink leather pants I’d found hanging in the back of my closet. The ones I knew I’d never fit into again. Not with my obsessive love of all things chocolate.

  By the time Derek and Mia arrived, I’d signed the paperwork to get the house on the market, Lachlan had seen the paediatrician and got the all clear, my own doctor had cleared me to drive again, reinstating my independence. Two days later I left Melbourne, not sure when I’d be back. If I’d be back.

  Thankfully, the drive was less eventful than last time, even if it was punctuated by stops. We drove in convoy, Mia ready to help with Lachlan any chance she had, and I knew I’d need her help sooner rather than later.

  “You made it!” Jenna exclaimed, rushing down the front steps and meeting me in the driveway.

  I stupidly thought it was me she was excited to see. That I was the one she was rushing out to hand out one of those amazing hugs that only a mother could give. But she stepped straight past me, offering me a huge beaming smile as she yanked open the back door and unbuckled Lachlan from his seat and hugging him close. As tired as I was, I couldn’t help but feel like all the decisions I’d been forced to make on the run in the last couple of days were the right ones, just seeing Jenna and Lachlan together. Everything was as it should be.

  “Come inside,” she encouraged, heading into the house, sniffing Lachlan’s tiny head as she did.

  When the door shut behind them, I was left standing in the driveway in the fading light, staring at the house that’d once been my safe haven. Tomorrow the truck with all my shit would arrive and be packed into Jenna’s garage until I figured out my next move. Even though both Jenna and Derek had both offered their spare rooms for as long as I wanted, the truth was I didn’t want to stay with either. Jenna’s house was haunted with memories I worried I’d never be able to get past. And Derek’s house. He and Mia had a good thing going, I didn’t want to get in their way. I was positive I’d see enough of them anyway. Staying with them would be overkill.

  Grabbing our overnight bags from the back of my car, I headed inside. I’d come back for Lachlan’s portable cot in a bit. First though, I needed to pee. Once I got inside, I made a beeline for the bathroom. While I took care of business and stole a few extra minutes washing my face and trying to freshen up and find some energy, I listened to Jenna chatting happily to Lachlan.

  Quietly, I snuck out, leaning on the door frame watching them. While Jenna talked about absolutely nothing, Lachlan lay there, completely mesmerised by her unwavering attention. If having Lachlan nearby made Jenna happy, then that’s where he’d be. For as long as she needed him, we were here.

  Without taking her eyes off my beautiful boy, Jenna spoke to me. “I want you to stay here, Zoe.”

  “Jenna. We’ve been through this and you know why I can’t.”

  “We have. And I do. I’m not asking you to take Spencer’s room…”

  “I can’t stay in Kane’s…” At the mention of her other son, Spencer’s brother, the one who was responsible for Spencer not being here, a shiver went down my spine, ch
illing me to the bone.

  “I wouldn’t ask you to.”

  I felt terrible. As much as I hated Kane for everything he’d taken for me, Jenna was still his mother. I couldn’t bad mouth him or make Jenna feel bad about the only son she had left. Not while I was living under her roof.

  “Sorry.”

  “Don’t you ever apologise to me for telling me how you feel, Zoe. I understand. I really do. I can’t imagine what you went through and still go through every single day. And being back here, I know the only reason you’re here is for me, and I’m so grateful for that. Really I am.”

  Fuck, she was a tough old bird. Life had dealt her a shit sandwich and she was still the strongest woman I’d ever known. I found myself hoping that spending time with Jenna, even if it was only a short time, some of her strength would rub off on me.

  “Come with me.” With Lachlan safely nestled in one arm, she took my trembling hand with her other and led me down the hallway to the bedrooms.

  As we passed the doors, I knew exactly what was on the other side of each one. At least I thought I did. When Jenna pushed open her own bedroom door, I was surprised to find it empty. The lingering smell of paint was strong, the walls were completely bare and stark white.

  “What did you do?” Instinctively I reached for Lachlan, needing him in my arms to calm my racing heart.

  “It’s nothing, Zoe.”

  “It’s everything.”

  “I want you to stay with me. You’re my family, and I want you here with me. You and Lachlan. I would never ask you to stay in the other rooms, so I swapped. This room’s bigger, anyway. You and Lachlan will both fit in here.”

  I was speechless.

  Yet again, Jenna had gone above and beyond and put my own petty feelings before her own. She’d given up the bedroom that’d been hers since I was a kid, all so I could stay and feel comfortable in her home.

  Without a word I walked over and hugged her, careful not to squash the now napping Lachlan in the process. We stood together staring at the freshly steamed carpets, and out the window overlooking the backyard. It was the moment I knew I wasn’t going apartment hunting. Jenna had done so much to make me feel at home here, I couldn’t dismiss this. Even if it were only for a couple of months while she wanted me here, this was exactly where I’d be.

  “If you’re one hundred percent positive we’re not going to be in your way, we’d love to stay.” It wasn’t until I said the words out loud did I realise how much I wanted to be as close as possible to her.

  “I’m sure, sweetheart.”

  “Well then, I guess you got yourself some roommates.”

  “No, Zoe, I don’t. My family have come home.” Jenna knew exactly what to say to hurt my heart and my head. Suddenly I was overwhelmed. I wished I’d known about everything sooner. I wished I’d come home sooner. I wished I’d never run and hid away back in Melbourne. Hindsight was a bitch, but it was all I had. All I could do now was make the best of what time we had left.

  Needing to lift the mood before I burst into tears, I spluttered out, “Well, just remember that when someone wakes you up three or four times a night.”

  “Can’t wait.” The pure joy on Jenna’s face lit up the empty room and I knew she meant every word. “Now, I’m sure you’re hungry because I know I am, so I made your favourite…”

  “Apricot chicken?” I asked hopefully. Through the years I’d tried to cook it a hundred times and failed just as many.

  “With rice.”

  “I knew there was a reason I loved you, Jenna.”

  “Why don’t you settle that precious boy and you and I can eat. It’s been a big day, and I’m guessing tomorrow will be just as crazy.”

  “Ugh, don’t remind me.”

  “It won’t be too bad. Derek’s coming, isn’t he?”

  “Yeah. And I think Ryan told Beau he had to come help.”

  “Sounds like we need a good night’s sleep if we’re going to have to keep that lot in line tomorrow.”

  “Probably.”

  “Well then, let’s eat. Then you can have a shower and an early night.”

  “Sounds good to me.” And the truth was, it really did. An early night sounded like heaven. I just hoped Lachlan was clued in on the plan. More than three hours’ sleep in a row was a dream.

  ***

  Another night on Jenna’s couch was not a dream. More like a nightmare. Standing in the shower letting the hot water beat down on my aching muscles, I was already dreading the long day ahead. Granted, I probably wouldn’t be allowed to lift any of the heavy stuff, not with Derek around anyway, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t be spending half of my day juggling screwdrivers trying to reconstruct furniture that had me ready to throw it out the window the first time.

  “Zoe! The truck just arrived,” Jenna called through the bathroom door.

  Great! Just fucking great. I wasn’t even dressed yet, I hadn’t had breakfast, and everything hurt. And they were early. As quick as I could, I rinsed the shampoo from my hair, not even bothering to take the time to put conditioner through it. What was the point? By the end of the day I’d be covered in gunk and grime anyway.

  Pulling on jeans while your legs were still damp wasn’t easy. Not only did I almost slip and bash my head against the tiles, I ended up dragging the leg through a puddle of water on the floor.

  By the time I got out the front, Jenna was sitting in a plastic chair on the veranda, tucked out of the way with Lachlan in her arms. “He okay there with you?” I asked. The last thing I wanted was for Jenna to feel like I was taking advantage of not only her generosity, but of her. Seeing her feeding my son made my heart soar, but the reality was, Lachlan was still my son. He was my responsibility.

  “We’re good. I grabbed his bottle and he’s a very happy little man right now.”

  “Okay.”

  “You go sort these guys out and make sure they don’t break anything.”

  I heard the bang as the back door was opened, and knew I was running out of time. “Jenna, are you sure about this? I mean, I come with baggage. A lot of baggage. We can just pack it into the garage…”

  “Zoe! Don’t make me tell you again!” She used her mum voice as she scolded me. Damn, that mum voice was just as scary now as it had been when I was a kid. I guess once you had it, you never lost it.

  “Okay! Okay! I’m going,” I conceded, bouncing down the steps towards the truck.

  Rounding the corner, I was surprised to see two good looking guys standing there. I don’t know why I’d been expecting middle-aged, beer-bellied removalists, so I was more than pleasantly surprised to see two guys in their mid-twenties wearing singlets showing off their arms. Their very nice arms, to be exact.

  “Zoe?” one asked, moving towards me, a clipboard in his hand.

  “That’s me.” I barely recognised my own voice. It was high pitched and completely unlike me. I put it down to nerves. Between the random squeaky voice and the sweaty palms, that had to be it.

  “Can you sign here so we can start unloading?” Not trusting my traitorous voice, I took the clipboard, scribbled down something that half resembled my signature, and handed it back. “Sweet! Now, where are we putting everything?”

  After a quick chat—thankfully I was able to pull myself together enough to form actual sentences—I stepped out of the way. Everything was going into the garage for now except for my bed and the baby things. They’d go into my room for now. We’d deal with the rest later.

  Walking back to where Jenna was sitting, I flopped down in the spare chair beside her. “All sorted?”

  “I guess.”

  “You know, you don’t have to do this, Zoe. I know you think you do, but when I told you about the cancer, I never intended for you to uproot your entire life and come back here. I know what you think of this place.”

  Taking Jenna’s free hand in mine, I said, “I promise you, there’s nowhere I’d rather be.” As I watched the first box get carried into the garage, I knew
that was the undeniable truth.

  Lachlan fussed and I reached for him, but before I could get my hands on him, a tiny woman with a pixie cut swooped and stole him. “Seriously, Zoe, I just want to eat him up. He’s so sweet. My favourite little man in the world.”

  “Thanks, Mia.”

  “Really, Mia. Your favourite man in the world? What am I? Chopped liver?” Derek asked, rounding the corner of the truck with a washing basket full of pillows.

  “Pull up your big girl panties, Derek! As soon as the babies arrive, you’re relegated to second place.”

  “You’d know.”

  “Absolutely! And I have absolutely no problem coming second to my beautiful baby girl. I mean, have you seen how damn cute she is?” Beau gloated, stepping up onto the veranda and dropping a box on the table next to me.

  “Yeah. Yeah. Where do you want this?” Derek asked as he passed by me, pausing to kiss my cheek.

  “Just on the lounge room floor for now. Once the beds are in, I’ll make them up. Did you bring yummy treats, Beau?”

  “Maybe.”

  “I know these,” Jenna gushed as she opened the box filled with sugary goodness. “I can’t remember the last time I had one.”

  I stuffed my face with a mouthful of cinnamon scroll. “Oh my god. I’m going to get so fat living here.”

  “Why do you think I’m here hauling furniture? I need to work off all these delicious goodies.”

  “So, does that mean I get to eat yours?” I asked hopefully, wiping the sticky white icing off my chin with the back of my hand. One of these days I was going to learn to be a lady. Maybe. Okay, probably not.

  “Enjoy.”

  After finishing my second scroll, not only did I need a bottle of water, but I needed to move my fat ass. I could feel the doughy goodness settling on my thighs with each passing moment. I should have cared how many carbs I’d just inhaled, after all it wasn’t like I had the gym down the road anymore.

  “Okay. Now I need to get some of this shit sorted or I’ll never find anything.”