Because of Kian

by Sibylla Matilde

“To the extent that he took it? Taking his anger out on you that way.”

  “I didn’t know it would hurt that bad at first. By the time it got to be too much, I felt sort of... stuck somehow. It was my fault. I’d brought that out in him. So I tried to fix it. I tried to fix him, to put him back the way he was before. I became docile and adapting. When he said jump, I’d ask how high. All that shit. Walking on fucking eggshells everywhere I went.” I turned back to the look back over the city. “So, I started to shut myself away from everyone else to please him. He didn’t like me talking to my family much, so I quit calling them. He didn’t like me doing things with my friends, so I started staying in. He didn’t like the people I worked with, so I became all but a stranger to them. I just evaporated from the life around me. For the most part, things calmed. But every now and then, I’d fuck up again and he’d lose his cool.”

  "What finally made you leave?" Kian asked as he tightened his arms around me. His hand caught mine, his thumb gentle soothing a circular motion over the back. The softest caress from such strength.

  "I found out I was pregnant,” I admitted quietly. “Things had gotten slightly better since I began trying so hard to make him happy. The thought of being a mom scared me, but it seemed like such a normal life event. Something that normal people did. I thought maybe it would help us be normal again.” The wind picked up again, and I shivered. Kian turned us collectively, blocking the wind from my body, tucking me more firmly up against his warmth. “Evan was not exactly thrilled, though. He had a plan all worked out, a way he thought things were supposed to be. This… this threw him way off. He freaked out and beat the ever-loving shit out of me, the worst I ever got. I ended up with broken ribs and one hell of a concussion. I don’t even remember him stopping. I must have finally passed out because of the pain. I woke up soaked with blood.” I turned in his arms to face him. “I lost the baby. It was...a wakeup call.”

  His arms tightened against me, pulling me into him. I looked up at him, feeling a twist in my gut. “So I left. Took off that night. I stayed with a coworker for a couple days, but it got weird. He’d show up and rant while we cowered inside her apartment. With his family connections, there was very little I could do. So I ran away here, to Bitterroot, to lick my wounds. To figure out what to do next. To hide.”

  “But he found you?”

  “I guess I wasn’t hiding that well,” I admitted. “I tried a quiet life for a while, but quiet was so… loud. It was too easy to just shut down with the pain of it all. All I wanted to do was sleep. For hours. Days. I had to get out of my apartment. So, one night I went to Hyper, to be around people, to force my agoraphobic self out of this shell that kept in the turmoil. It was amazing. It was almost like the pounding beat of the music restarted my heart. Like it kept me alive. Otherwise, the guilt and the anger and the fear would have just taken over. I told you I’m kinda fucked up, Kian.”

  “You’re not fucked up,” he smiled at me wryly. “You are unique, I’ll give you that.”

  “I’m a masochist who’s afraid of getting hurt. That’s not unique. It’s insane. I’m no good for anyone.”

  His large hands caught my cheeks, sliding back into my hair and angling my face up to his. He studied me momentarily. “I think it’s the endorphins that you crave.” His voice was like a balm to my jagged nerves. “The pain and the fear awoke something in you, a side of you that you never knew existed until then. It’s like a high, like what happens to people who get hooked on running and jog for hours until their lungs ache and their legs feel like jelly.”

  I contemplated what he was saying, the understanding calm in his voice.

  “Too bad I couldn’t just be addicted to jogging,” I grumbled. “That would make my whole life easier. I’d be in awesome shape. I wouldn’t turn dudes into monsters.”

  “You’re not responsible for that,” Kian said firmly, emphatically. “You’re not to blame for what that fucker did to you. He let his anger take over. That’s on him, not you.”

  “But if I liked the pain, but then I didn’t—” I started.

  “It was a release for you… yes. But,” he cocked his head to the side, “it’s not the only way you can get there. I think I know a better way.”

  The timbre of his voice sent a tingle through my senses. There was an intensity in his expression that made my heart race. That made my chest constrict. His fingers tightened in my hair and he pulled just ever so slightly forcing my head to tilt back. My eyes shut tightly as a slight tremor of excitement zipped through me. My mouth dropped open, and a surprising gasp escaped my lips.

  As much as I tried to quell the sensation, that firm little pull rocked my very soul.

  “Look at me, baby,” he said gruffly.

  I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Unsure of what to say, how to respond, I stayed quiet, staring at him through the darkness. Once again, his grasp tightened, and, just like before, my body responded without consulting my mind at all. This time, I moaned and my breath caught in my throat. Kian’s lips softly touched mine, then nipped a little as he lifted his head.

  “I want you to trust me. I want to try something with you…” he murmured. “I promise that I won’t take you any farther than you want to go.”

  I was nodding when he lowered his lips to mine again.

  Chapter 11 ~ Kinbaku

  Angel ~ Massive Attack

  Crying for No Reason ~ Katie B

  Brynn

  “Why are we at your gym?” I asked as I climbed off the back of Kian’s bike.

  He flashed a breathtaking devilish grin as he followed me, then led me through the front doors to a stairway at the back of the hall. I followed him up the flight of stairs and into a large, open apartment. Comfortable and airy. The walls were painted a light beige, the floors were an old hardwood that had been meticulously refurbished. High ceilings revealed exposed duct work, and tall windows looked out over the city from a living area that flowed into an open kitchen. The glittering lights drew me in, just as they did on the rooftop, and I found myself enticed by the panorama before me.

  “What an amazing view,” I mumbled.

  Kian leaned back against a wall, watching me closely. “This was just a dusty, unused storage space, but those windows held so much promise. Besides, it seemed asinine to pay rent when I had this space above the gym, so I converted it to an apartment.”

  “You did a good job.” I looked around the room at the sturdy, industrial style of the furniture. A lot of heavy, rough wood and wrought iron. Very masculine. Yet, there were spots of luxury that melded in quite nicely – an overstuffed couch in a deep cranberry shade, a thick sand-colored area rug before it.

  And, of course, since Kian was a guy, there was an enormous flatscreen above the fireplace.

  “This is a huge space,” I noted. “Do you live here alone?”

  “Yeah,” he answered quietly as I perused the room. “I probably could have made it about half the size, but I wanted all the windows. In the morning, you can see the sun peek over the mountains at that end,” he gestured over to the windows by the entryway, then around the large L-shaped room towards the kitchen, “and the other end catches the edge of the sunset.” He paused for a minute, taking a few steps over to me. There was an intense glint in his eyes, a serious set to his mouth. It all had me jittery… excited. When he reached me, he lifted his hand to brush his fingertips down my cheek and along the curve of my neck. An erotic shiver coursed through me, and my breath came out shaky and stilted as he spoke softly. “Plus, I wanted a little space for kinbaku.”

  “What’s that? Kinbaku?” I breathed.

  He studied me closely for a second, then slipped his fingers back into my hair, tangling themselves into it and tugging slightly to raise my mouth.

  “A form of bondage,” he whispered.

  “I’ve heard of shibari. Is it like that?”

  “Very similar. Shibari is more about aesthetics. A seductive appearance. Kinbaku is more carnal. It’s a tota
l power exchange, very sensual.” He leaned forward, and I felt his lips graze the shell of my ear. He nipped sharply at my lobe. The quick, sharp pain caused me to catch my breath. My hand settled at the waistband of his jeans, gripping slightly to steady my suddenly lightheaded self. “I think edge play might be just what you need.”

  “Edge play… like sadomasochism?”

  “Mmm hmm… exactly like that.”

  “So, you want to tie me up,” I whispered as he toyed with the sensitive skin just behind my ear. I began to tremble with want.

  “Yes, I do. I want you completely helpless, completely trusting me to take care of you.”

  “And then what?” My bravado slipped as I leaned back a little and looked up at him. I felt weak with intensity of his blue eyes burrowing into me. “Then you… you fuck me?”

  “If you want me to,” he replied.

  “But you want to, right?”

  Kian nodded slowly, deliberately. Suddenly, the air around me felt thin. I realized I was barely breathing.

  “Do you want to hurt me?” I asked in a timid voice.

  His eyes softened for a moment as his hand settled on my hip. “Not like Evan did. Never like that. But there is… a place you can reach with a little pain.”

  My chest felt tight as my will pulled back and forth.

  I wanted this.

  But I didn’t.

  I wanted to push myself.

  But I was scared.

  I dropped my forehead against his chest and felt his lips touch my temple.

  “What it is?” Kian softly whispered.

  “What if…” I trailed off and faintly shook my head, unable to complete my thought aloud.

  “What, baby?”

  My eyes rose to his. “What if I ruin you,” I whispered, “like I did Evan? He wasn’t always the monster he is now.”

  “Brynn, when he hurt you, he was angry. And he took his anger out on you. To appease his own need.” His fingers trailed up my arms, across my shoulders, and came to rest along my neck, just lightly caressing the curve of my jaw. “I want to appease yours. I’ll never do what he did to you.”

  “I doubt he ever thought he would either, Kian. I pushed him to it because I kept wanting more. I wanted that… that edge. And then he’d break. What if I do that to you?”

  “I’ve done this before, Brynn. I’ve practiced and trained. I know what I’m doing.”

  I stepped away warily, looking around the room. “So where do you do this sort of thing?” I instantly felt cold and uncertain, and the sensation intensified as he circled around me, warily studying me. “Do you chain me up in the basement? Like a dungeon or something? Make me wear a gimp suit? Flog me and whip me?” I gave a caustic laugh, but my attempt at a joke fell flat with my apprehension.

  Kian smiled. “I’ve never done it here.” He glanced pointedly around the room, “but I had it in mind when I decorated.”

  As I looked a little closer at the rough industrial furniture, I could see few things. A hook here, a chain link there. Small and subtle, and they completely morphed into the surroundings, so unobtrusive. So innocent looking.

  “How long have you lived here?”

  “Almost a year.”

  “And it’s been that long since you’ve…?”

  He nodded again. “A little longer, actually. It’s not for everyone. Takes a special kind of person.” Kian came closer and put his hands on my cheek, cupping my face to face him. “I want you to know, I don’t need this to be hot for you. Every taste I’ve had of you has been phenomenal. And I want more of you, regardless of if you are into this or not.” His thumb brushed across my lips. “I do want this, but I want this more… for you.”

  My heart was racing. I could barely breathe.

  “You don’t have to decide today,” Kian said, although his eyes bore into me speaking volumes. “You can think about it.”

  “I don’t want to think,” I quickly rushed out. “I want this.”

  Kian closed his eyes and released a deep breath, a pent up angst that I hadn’t realized he had been holding in.

  He wanted this, too.

  Badly.

  “Well, first things first,” he said with a hot light in his eyes. “We need to get you relaxed.” He reached forward and undid the top two buttons of my shirt.

  “As much as I like where you’re going with this, I don’t know that it’s helping me relax,” I breathed shakily.

  “It will,” he smiled down at me. “You need a nice, hot bath. A good massage.”

  Another few buttons and the silky fabric of my blouse feathered down over my shoulders and floated to the floor. Kian leaned down to me and kissed me, slowly and seductively as his hands cradled my cheeks. Every touch of his lips halted my breathing. His tongue brushing across mine pulled a longing from deep inside me. Listless and dazed by his kiss, I found myself lifted up into his arms and being carried through one dark room into another. As he flicked on a low, soothing light, I saw we were in a large bathroom with a deep triangular tub in the corner. The ceiling was lower in here than in the main living space, and the walls were painted a deep rusty red. He perched me at one corner of the tub, and I leaned my head up against the adjoining wall as I watched him start the water.

  “Stay here for a second while this starts to fill,” he commanded softly, and I nodded. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

  “Okay,” I softly breathed out and he pressed a hard kiss to my lips before he left the room.

  I watched the water while Kian stepped away, watched the steam rise and the tub fill. I could still taste his kiss, could still feel the light tingle, and my fingertips softly fluttered up to hold it close.

  A moment later, Kian returned, setting a few large bath towels on a bench near the tub. He turned to me and held out his hand. Placing my fingers on his palm, I allowed him to pull me to a stand and turn my body to face away from him. His fingertips traced down my spine, then slowly trailed back up, deftly freeing the hooks of my bra and sliding the straps down my shoulders. A tender kiss and a light nip at my neck wrought a gasp from my lungs. His hands dusted down from my shoulders to my breasts which felt tender and heavy with lust. He lifted and cupped them, caressing their weight, squeezing firmly and palming. All the while, his lips caressed the outer shell of my ear and nipped at the tender skin of my neck.

  He moved his touch lower, tracing along my ribs to the waistband of my jeans. Every movement was painfully slow, like time had almost stopped and I was dreaming in delayed fog. The scrape of the denim made me shiver as he worked my jeans and panties over my ass, down my legs. His pressure on my ankles told me when to lift my feet, one at a time, as he slipped the last of my clothing from my body.

  Then he stood again behind me. I could hear his heavy breath, feel it caressing the skin of my shoulder. I could feel the heat emanating from his muscular frame. A tremble began low in my belly and began to ripple through me as his hands began to trace the lines of my body.

  “You’re so fucking perfect, Brynn.” His words melted over me, seeping into my pores.

  Finally, he reached past me and shut off the taps, then turned me towards him. My eyelids grew heavy as I focused on his face. His strong jaw and the deep blue of his eyes. Still clothed in his t-shirt and jeans. I stood there before him, bare and submissive.

  “You’re stunning,” he huskily murmured. “Every bit of you.”

  He leaned towards me and my eyes fell closed. I felt the light brush of his kiss before he took my hand and turned me back to the tub, guiding me into the warm water and settling me back to rest along the side. He placed a folded up towel beneath my head and smoothed my hair back from my face.

  “I’m gonna go get a few things ready,” he whispered in my ear. “You just soak up the heat.”

  I closed my eyes and did exactly what he said.

  Brynn

  Somehow, I almost dozed there in the deep warmth of the tub. For once, the quiet of the room didn’t seem to crash around me, it
was almost sedating. I had no idea how much time had passed before he returned to me, slipping his hands into the water before sliding them over the heated skin of my shoulders and breasts. His fingers combed through my hair, massaging my scalp. A soft sigh escaped my lips and he leaned down to whisper in my ear.

  “Let’s get you out of the tub now, Brynn.”

  I nodded and pulled myself to sit upright as Kian turned to the bench and grabbed a large towel. He made a slight motion with his hand, indicating I should stand, and I did so without thinking. Without questioning.

  This was very unlike me.

  The water coursed down my body, and Kian wrapped the large, soft towel around me, leaning over to pluck me out of the tub. He carried me into the adjoining room… his bedroom.

  Like the bathroom, the room had a deep reddish tone to the walls. A small lamp cast a faint glow from its place on the tall dresser. Across from the dresser was a padded chest at the end of a large, heavy four-posted bed. A frame ran across the top of the posts, and, like the furniture in the living room, I noted the occasional hook here and link of chain there. His words of bondage echoed through my mind as I began to imagine the possibilities.

  Kian set me on the mattress, and told me to lie on my stomach as he pulled the towel from my dampened skin. Anticipation coursed through my body. Apprehension. I heard the snap of a plastic bottle and the wet rub of skin. Then his hands ran down from my shoulders to my back, coated with warm oil that smelled of rich, exotic spices. He massaged deeply into the muscles of my back, shoulders, and arms. Over my buttocks and down my thighs and calves. His strong hands worked the oil into the soles of my feet and in between my toes. As his hands moved over my skin, he firmly pressed against small pressure points that released every slightest bit of trepidation.

  “Roll over, baby,” he softly ordered, and I lethargically complied. I watched as he poured some more oil into his hands, rubbing his palms together to warm it, and then began at my feet, slowly and methodically moving up my legs, firmly kneading the deep tissues along my sensitive thighs. Every so often, he’d touch me in a way that drew a gasp or a moan from deep inside. His hands worked my hips, across my ribs, over my breasts, and up to my shoulders.