Because of Kian

by Sibylla Matilde

  “She’s something,” he smiled down at her where she lay, snuggled into her My Little Pony sleeping bag. She’d flopped over onto my lap a bit, and her mouth gaped open.

  “Yeah, she is. So sweet and… she just wants a family. Sage is working so hard to make a good life for her.”

  “Must be rough, doing all that alone,” he frowned. “Where is her daddy?”

  “Don’t know. Sage isn’t sure. It was a one-time thing and then he was gone.”

  “Fucker,” Kian growled.

  “Always so protective of women and children,” I smiled at him. “You can’t save us all, Kian.”

  “I can try,” he replied, and pulled me up on his lap, Mattie and all.

  Kian

  Mattie was like a little blonde shadow. The minute her sleepy little eyes opened from her makeshift bed on Brynn’s couch, she followed me everywhere I went. She even sat outside the bathroom while I showered. Before long, it was time for me to go teach pre-K kung fu.

  And Mattie wanted so badly to go.

  She also wanted a purple belt.

  One second of her puppy-eyed look, and I was a goner. So I brought her and Brynn with me to the gym.

  She really was a fun kid, and she fit right in with the class. This youngest group was my favorite to teach. Something about three- and four-year-olds doing their little judo chops made even the worst day a little better.

  Slowly, the after-school crowd began to arrive. Brynn and Mattie started heading up the stairs to my apartment to wait for me when Brynn leaned down and whispered something to the little girl. Mattie turned and ran towards me, jumping up to wrap her pudgy little baby arms around my neck.

  “Thank you,” she squealed fervently and gave me a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek.

  “Anytime, squirt,” I replied before I set her on the ground and watched her skip away to Brynn.

  “She’s adorable,” Holly MacPherson cooed over my shoulder as Brynn and Mattie disappeared up the stairs. Her long manicured nail delicately traced along her extraordinarily low-cut blouse.

  Shit.

  “Yeah, she’s a great kid,” I smiled wanly and stepped away. Why couldn’t this woman take the hint?

  “Is she yours?”

  “Friend’s kid,” I said dismissively as I stepped away from the hallway and into the gym.

  “Hmm, a friend…” she purred, looking over at the stairs before trailing closely behind me. “You really are so good with kids. My little Bobby is a bit lost, what with the divorce and all. His father is so… absent. He really needs a strong male role model in his life.” As the word strong oozed out of her mouth, she reached forward to skim her nails down my chest.

  “Holly,” I warned. “This isn’t really—”

  “You know,” she quickly interrupted, taking another step closer, forcing me to take another step back, “Bobby talks about you all the time. I was thinking, maybe you’d like to come over for dinner sometime. I make one hell of a dessert.”

  I almost shuddered at the image of Holly with a can of whipped cream, pretty sure that was likely the type of dessert she promised. She seemed to be stepping up her game. I couldn’t recall her ever been this blatant about hitting on me.

  “I’m sorry, Holly, but I’m seeing someone.”

  The woman had to gall to look offended. “Oh,” she gasped. “I had no idea.”

  “Yeah, so… sorry. Thanks, but no thanks,” I said, placing my hands on her shoulders to set her away from me.

  “Well, that’s… lovely.” She narrowed her eyes with a dangerous glint. “Who is it?”

  While I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, Brynn wanted to keep things under wraps. Why, I had no idea. That was Brynn. A bit of a mystery, still wanting to fly under the radar in every aspect of her life. Very few people had a clue that anything had ever happened between us. Only Sage and, through her, Jeff. I wasn’t even sure if Pete knew.

  “I don’t think you’d know her,” I smoothly responded, which wasn’t a lie. I really doubted Brynn had anything to do with a money-grabbing cougar like Holly. Completely opposite ends of the spectrum. “But, I need to get these kids going, so…”

  “Oh, of course. By all means,” she forced out with a smile that didn’t come anywhere near her eyes.

  Chapter 13 ~ Too Good to be True

  I Would For You ~ Nine Inch Nails

  Brynn

  For the most part, things were blissful.

  Almost eerily so.

  My brain really didn’t know what to make of it all. I shared my feeling with Rose, and she encouraged me to be open with Kian, to avoid sabotaging this fragile connection. We continued to discuss relaxing mechanisms to release the fear and worry. The nagging sensation that something was going to tear it all to shit.

  As a result, I wanted more. I craved the bite of the rope. The intensity that surrounded me, only allowing me to see and feel Kian. The catharsis that left me relaxed and at peace in his arms.

  Still no sign of Evan. I was watchful. Wary. I didn’t want the attention, so I avoided anything that would pull me into the limelight. The trashy wenches at Hyper continued to hit on Kian, and I continued to do nothing about it. Kian was a big boy and could take care of himself, which he did, brushing them aside and directing them towards whoever else seemed to be standing nearby.

  Honestly, though, any of those girls would likely have been better for him than me.

  The occasional guy hit on me, and I did do something about that. So did Kian, though, ensuring that they backed off.

  After being more-or-less manhandled a particularly persistently grabby dude earlier in the evening, I’d left Hyper dying for a bath. I wanted to be clean, to wash the feel of those sweaty hands from my skin. Kian had filled his big bathtub and lifted me into the water with him. Lying against his strong, protective form in the water, everything seemed to be normalizing again.

  “You know,” he pointed out, “if they knew you were mine, there’s not a guy in here who’d touch you.”

  “I know,” I smiled sadly. “You walk into a room, and everyone notices you. That’s kinda the problem. Because, if I walked in with you, everyone would notice me too. I’m just not ready for that.”

  “Are you still scared of Evan? Because I won’t let that fucker hurt you. Ever again.”

  I thought for a moment, trying to figure out if that was it. But I really didn’t have any idea. Things just felt so jumbled and uncertain in my mind.

  “I don’t know what I’m scared of, Kian. Maybe I’ve just tried to stay in the shadows for so long that I’m afraid of being exposed. Maybe I’m afraid that someday this will wear thin. That all my fuckupness will get tiresome. There’s no guarantee. This is all still fresh and new. It may not work in the end, and then what? You won’t always be here to protect me.”

  “I don’t know how to convince you. This isn’t a flash in the pan. This isn’t some fly-by-night thing, here today and gone tomorrow.” Kian shifted me in the water, pulling me around to face him. He settled one hand at my neck, holding my gaze to his. “You’re mine, Brynn. I’m not going to bail on you because you have this fucked up notion that I’m better off without you.” He kissed my lips sweetly and wrapped me in his strong arms. “I’m not giving up on you.”

  My hands crept up around his neck, molding my body to his in the warm, soothing water. “I want to believe you,” I whispered.

  “I know you do, baby,” he replied softly as he kissed my forehead. “You will eventually. I’ll prove you wrong.” The conviction in his voice brought tears to my eyes.

  Sometimes the conversations got a little too raw. This was one of those times.

  It had only been a few months, weeks really. Relationships could fall apart after years. I had no idea how Kian seemed to be so confident in our ability to thrive.

  I wanted to believe right along with him.

  But I didn’t.

  It was almost like I couldn’t allow myself to be comfortable. I had been comfortable my
whole life up until Evan, and then everything had suddenly turned into a nightmare. All that was still so fresh in my mind. I kept waiting on pins and needles because it all just felt too good to last.

  I waited for Evan to show up.

  Or for Kian to give up.

  Kian

  Brynn and I continued to go Hyper together, but always split up before we walked through the door. It kind of drove me nuts.

  Well, more than kind of. It really drove me nuts. It frustrated me almost to the point of anger, but I tried to be understanding. I sure as hell didn’t want to be a dick about it all. Most everything else was perfect. Stellar. Fucking awesome. I could work with one little hitch.

  But, damn… I wanted to walk in there with my arm around her, to let every asshole in there know that she was mine. To tell them to keep their fucking hands off her. I wanted her to stake her claim on me, to get in some little bitch’s face and tell her that I was her man.

  I wanted her to need me like I needed her.

  Instead, it was almost like a game at Hyper. The secretive glances. Watching and teasing each other until we were burning up inside. Finally one of us would break and say something about heading home.

  Game on.

  I stood waiting beside my bike just around the corner of Hyper’s parking lot. Waiting for Brynn. Hard as a motherfucking rock.

  Footsteps approached, but they went a different direction.

  Fuck.

  Then, finally Brynn’s quick footfalls sounded. My God, I even recognized the sound of her walking. My obsession with her was reaching staggering heights.

  She stepped around the corner, and I immediately grabbed her from behind.

  “Finally,” I groaned, kissing her neck as I slipped one hand down between her legs and the other squeezed and pulled at her breast.

  “Kian,” she breathed.

  I roughly pressed her against the wall, biting at the sweet, tender skin of her shoulder bared by her loose-fitting top. Her hands lay flat against the wall above her head, her sleeves falling slightly to reveal the coarse red marks left from the rope the night before. The light caught them just right, just enough to make them noticeable, and I stopped marauding her neck to lightly run my fingertips over the raw skin with a little wonder. She watched my fingertips trace along the marks.

  “Fuck, that’s hot,” I growled.

  “Kian…” she squirmed against me. “I need you. Right now.”

  “Brynn—”

  “I’ll never survive if you don’t fuck me right now. I’ve been feeling those rope burns all day. It’s been killing me. And now, watching you trace the marks… oh my God. Kian, please.” Her voice had grown fervent and needy and her luscious ass pressed up against my dick.

  I tried to be good. Really. I tried to remember all the reasons she didn’t want to broadcast this thing we had going. Except that I didn’t understand them. But I gave it one last shot.

  “Baby, someone might see. I know you don’t want that,” I murmured as I bit hard on her earlobe. “Why don’t we go home and get out the rope again?”

  “We’re in the shadows. I’ll be quiet. Just pull up my skirt and fuck me already,” she fiercely grated out.

  One more squirm, and that did it. My dick took the lead.

  I quickly unzipped my zipper and slipped on a condom as her fingers frantically lifted her short skirt and pushed her little lacy panties down over her ass. I slightly bent at the knees to get the right angle, and then I was inside her.

  In the fucking parking lot.

  God, this was insane. But it was so fucking good.

  As I pumped into her, her hands slipped back to grasp at my hair, pulling hard. My fingers traversed from her hips to skim the length of her body, up her arms to capture her wrists. I squeezed tightly, and her pussy tightened around me with a whimper of pain.

  “I’ll just have to be my own fucking rope,” I groaned in her ear.

  I practically straddled her, my feet on either side of her as she stood on tip-toe and tilted up to allow my entrance. With her legs together like this, she squeezed me so amazingly tight. A quiet sob escaped her lips.

  “Shhh… baby… someone will hear.”

  A thrill coursed through her. I fucking felt how much that turned her on, the danger of being caught. Furiously, I pounded into her until she began to shake around me. I gripped hard once more at her wrists and bit into her bared shoulder, and she let loose a hoarse cry that triggered my own release. As my cock pulsed inside her sweet warm pussy, the aftershocks of her orgasm coaxed every last drop of cum from my body.

  Neither of us moved for a moment. Overcome with the awe and wonder at the power of our carnality. The sweet fragrance of Hawaii in my nostrils as I buried my face against her neck.

  “Much better,” she finally whispered.

  I gave a choked laugh, and the motion caused her to tighten sharply around me as she gave a little gasp.

  “Think you can make it home now?” I murmured in her ear as I pulled out of her.

  She turned in my arms, facing me with her back to the wall. “I think so.” Her head rested against my chest and she kissed me through the fabric of my shirt. “Then you can tie me up all proper-like and do that again.”

  With a chuckle, I nuzzled my face into her soft, fragrant hair. “Sweet Jesus, Brynn. You’re gonna kill me,” I murmured.

  She straightened her skirt as I removed the condom and tied it off, slipping it into my jacket pocket.

  “Don’t let me forget that’s in there,” I joked, and her light laughter filled my heart as I tucked my dick back into my jeans. “I’d hate to have it fall out with my keys or something.”

  We climbed on my bike and pulled out of the lot to head back to my place.

  Back to the purple rope.

  But neither of us noticed the angry form lurking in the shadows.

  Chapter 14 ~ Alternative Therapy

  Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) ~ Marilyn Manson

  Beautiful Pain ~ Eminem (feat. Sia)

  Unfinished Sympathy ~ Massive Attack

  Brynn

  “I’ve told him pretty much all of it, how messed up am." I confessed to Rose as we sat in therapy a few days later. The sun shone through the window, and my fingertips toyed with the silk scarf I had looped around my neck. “Ever since we met, he’s been saving me. First from Evan. Now he’s even saving me from myself. In spite of how I’ve pushed him.”

  “You’re trying to give him reasons to leave,” she surmised. “Everything you’re describing tells me that.”

  “He deserves a lot better than me. Someone a bit less unstable.”

  “Brynn, you went through a horrendous experience. And you’re still healing. But you’re not ruined.”

  “I may not be a lost cause, but I’m not easy to care about. Is it wrong that I want him to have some nice normal relationship?”

  “Of course it’s not wrong to want what’s best for him. You just need to realize that what’s best for him may be you.”

  I chewed over that thought in my mind. And then I decided Rose was maybe not as smart as I’d always thought.

  “He sounds like quite a guy,” Rose said softly, breaking the silence. “He sounds like he cares. Enough that you may not be able to scare him away.”

  “I told him about the rush I got from the pain with Evan.” I studied Rose while I thought for a moment. “He made a suggestion… told me that he wanted to try to give me that rush, but safely.”

  “Like BDSM?”

  I was a little shocked that she’d just mentioned something so taboo. She was a doctor. She was normal. Normal people didn’t know about stuff like that.

  Then I nodded shakily.

  “He asked me to trust him not to take it too far. Told me that Evan had gone too far, and for the wrong reasons.” I swallowed with some difficulty.

  “Evan was abusive, not dominant. Big difference. Admittedly, though, there’s a fine line between edge play and a truly unsafe situation. Eva
n was… dangerous. And you lost a great deal because of him.”

  “What do you know about it? BDSM? Bondage? Like as an emotional catharsis?” I asked softly, a little nervous about openly discussing this with someone.

  Cool as a cucumber, Rose didn’t even blink. “I think, right now, you want me to tell you that it’s dirty and nasty and that you’re crazy for even thinking about it,” she smiled. “But I’m not going to, Brynn. My own personal opinion is that it can be therapeutic in certain circumstances,” Rose said softly, “if it’s done with someone you trust, a rigger who knows your limits and can read your psycho-physical responses. It can actually help you reach a meditative state and release endorphins and enkephaline.” She wrote a few notes in her book and looked back up at me.

  Every now and then, Rose had the ability to shock the complete shit out of me. This was one of those times.

  “Oh my God,” I murmured.

  “I’m not just a therapist, Brynn,” she laughed at my astonishment. “It isn’t something that I put on my business cards, but I’m what they call kink-friendly.”

  “I had no idea. You seem so normal.”

  “I’m not sure anyone is normal,” Rose chuckled. “However, I’ve seen a lot of cases where bringing in BDSM did some amazing things for people. Giving them an outlet for their needs. Have you been thinking of trying it?”

  “We did,” I admitted in a small voice.

  “What did you do?”

  “Kian called it kinbaku.”

  “Bondage. A very erotic type that focuses on stimulating erogenous zones to enhance the entrancement. Rope-space can be very cleansing. Did it help?”

  “Rope-space?”

  “Like a trance,” Rose explained. “A state of controlled abandon.”

  I nodded. Just thinking about the sensation sent flutters of desire through my body. “It was… surreal. When it was over, I cried like a baby.” I could hear the wonder in my own voice, the intense emotion that the experience still brought out of me. “You know, I haven't cried since my miscarriage. And there I was. It was so strange. Something about the confinement of the ropes, the comfort and security. When he started to take them off, I couldn't stop the tears.”