Because of Kian
Page 19
In response, he ties me up and spanks me and fucks me silly.
That seems to do the trick.
Well, that and the incredible things he says to me. About needing me to breathe. About how miserable he was without me.
All in all, I am getting better. I’m learning to find my voice. Sort of like in that first self-defense class so long ago. Although, instead of yelling ‘Get back!’ and screaming for attention, I’m finding ways to tell him what I need. How I feel. Nine times out of ten, though, he already knows.
That said, I sometimes give him shit on purpose. I kinda like to be tied up, spanked, and fucked silly.
I’m pretty sure he knows that, too.
After some prodding and pushing, Kian got me to go back to Rose. I tried to convince him that things were so much better, that he was all the healing I needed. But, insistent and stubborn, he has a way of getting me to cede. I really can’t argue much with the guy. He knows me way to well and how to get me to cave.
And I do love the way he makes me cave.
Kian also took me home to see my folks. Most of the time, it’s the girl pushing for the parent meeting, but I resisted like crazy when he first mentioned it. Then I went and had a meltdown after I talked to my mom on the phone, and he really began to push it. As usual, he managed to convince me.
My mom cried like a baby when we arrived back home. I hadn’t been back in almost two years, not since I’d moved to Beavertail. I may have even cried a little myself.
Okay, I cried a lot. I’d missed her.
My dad eyed Kian suspiciously, doing the typical dad shit. Shaking his hand and sizing him up. They practically circled each other in their little alpha display. Kian staked his claim with an arm over my shoulders or his hands tucked at my waist. My dad radiated unease as he stood apart from us, glaring over his bifocals.
Until Kian mentioned his bike.
My dad lived for motorcycles.
Through this common ground, my dad began to slowly relax. He began to actually see all the little things Kian did for me. He began to recognize that I was in safe hands. He began to realize that Kian had brought his little girl back home.
I don’t know where I’d be without Kian today. He truly did save me, from my fear and loneliness, from my risky ways of finding release. In all truth, he saved me from myself.
I can now feel pain without shutting down.
I can now feel love without freezing in fear.
I can now be who I am without shame.
…because of Kian.
Songs that Inspired Kian
Prologue
Escape ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
Savior ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
Chapter 1 ~ Twisted
Lonely Stranger ~ Eric Clapton
Crazy in the Night ~ Kim Carnes
Crazy ~ Gnarls Barkley
Monster ~ Eminem (feat. Rihanna)
Chapter 2 ~ Fighting Back
Where the Streets Have No Name ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
A Beautiful Lie ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
Summertime Sadness ~ Lana Del Rey
Chapter 3 ~ Sage
If I Lose Myself ~ Alesso vs OneRepublic
Rock a Little ~ Stevie Nicks
Chapter 4 ~ Confidence
I Lived ~ OneRepublic
Up In the Air ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
Inertia Creeps ~ Massive Attack
Chapter 5 ~ Back Again
Addicted to Love ~ Florence + the Machine
Turn My Head ~ Live
Shadow of the Day ~ Linkin Park
Chapter 6 ~ Sick Day
You Got What I Need ~ Joshua Radin
Chapter 7 ~ Mom
Someone Else’s Life ~ Joshua Radin
The Girl ~ City and Colour
Chapter 8 ~ Orange Juice
Charmer ~ Kings of Leon
Copy of A ~ Nine Inch Nails
Stronger ~ Kanye West
Counting Stars ~ OneRepublic
Chapter 9 ~ Guilt
Dear Agony ~ Breaking Benjamin
Burning Desire ~ Lana Del Ray
Chapter 10 ~ Messed up
Basket Case ~ Green Day
Save Me From Myself ~ Christina Aguilera
Birth ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
Chapter 11 ~ Kinbaku
Angel ~ Massive Attack
Crying for No Reason ~ Katie B
Chapter 12 ~ Kung Fu Baby
Team ~ Lorde
All the Pretty Horses ~ Judy Collins
Chapter 13 ~ Too Good to be True
I Would For You ~ Nine Inch Nails
Do I Wanna Know? ~ Arctic Monkeys
Chapter 14 ~ Alternative Therapy
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) ~ Marilyn Manson
Beautiful Pain ~ Eminem (feat. Sia)
Unfinished Sympathy ~ Massive Attack
Chapter 15 ~ Rain on the Rooftop
Tennis Court ~ Lorde
Off to the Races ~ Lana Del Ray
Closer ~ Kings of Leon
Stronger ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
Chapter 16 ~ A New Client
Bad Seamstress Blues ~ Cinderella
Disappointed ~ Nine Inch Nails
Chapter 17 ~ Going to Shit
My Last Breath ~ Evanescence
Say Something ~ A Great Big World
Hurt ~ Nine Inch Nails
Chapter 18 ~ Unfair
Nutshell ~ Alice in Chains
Stay ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
Breathe Again ~ Sara Bareilles
Chapter 19 ~ Alone
City ~ Sara Bareilles
The Story ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
Chapter 20 ~ Surprise
Find My Way ~ Nine Inch Nails
Take it All ~ Adele
Your Latest Trick ~ Dire Straits
Chapter 21 ~ Aftermath
End of All Days ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
Chapter 22 ~ Where is she?
Tears in Heaven ~ Eric Clapton
Chapter 23 ~ Pretty Eyes
Blank Page ~ Christina Aguilera
Make You Feel My Love ~ Adele
Open Your Eyes ~ Snow Patrol
Chapter 24 ~ Patterns
Amazing ~ Aerosmith
Feel Again ~ OneRepublic
Epilogue
It’s Time ~ Imagine Dragons
Moving ~ Travis
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, I need to thank Mike. You make me laugh and keep me on my toes. You love me in spite of my oddities and weaknesses. You give me days to write and only complain a little that you never get to see me. And thanks to my kids who never really complain that you don’t get to see me (you are teenagers, after all), but thank you for not being too weirded out that your mom writes dirty shit.
Second, I need to thank my Pimp Shell and her minion, my little Jared Kiwi. It is amazing to have someone believe in me so much, who’s always supportive and who I can bounce ideas off. I can’t wait to see you in Edinburgh and hang out in Dublin. I love that you bagsied Ronin and love all things huckleberry, and I’m dying to show you around Montana. And to Brit Ho for things like FUMF and using your terms like ‘knickers’ that make me laugh my ass off. I’m totally bummed that we aren’t going to be roomies, but totally stoked to bedazzle with you anyway.
Thanks to all my beta readers who are able to look at my vision and have the honesty to tell me what they really think, even if they’re afraid I won’t like it. I truly appreciate every comment. I wouldn’t be half the storyteller I am without you.
I’d like to say thank you to all the ladies in Siby’s Flannel Squad. BEST. STREET TEAM. EVER. I honestly haven’t the faintest idea what I’d do without you some days. From cock o’clock to drooling over GG to picking out princess outfits for Alfonso. I adore each and every one of you.
And to my Smut Sisters who were the first ones to make me feel like people might (gasp!) find my shit interesting. I love you ladies. Lezzy kisses to you all, whether you want them or n
ot.
Finally, thanks to my mom and stepmom for all the encouragement and help to get to Scotland this summer. Two women in my life who have put up with more than they ever should have had to with me, but who have also taught me to really reach for something I want. I’m so ready for this adventure.
About Sibylla
Sibylla Matilde grew up in the mountain valleys of Southwest Montana, and grew up exploring the alfalfa fields on the back of a horse. She attended a two-room schoolhouse 1st through 6th grade where she had same teacher the whole time. Beginning at about age 12, Sibylla discovered historical romance, feeding off of work of Jude Devereaux, Lisa Kleypas, and Karen Robards. She loves a book that can make the reader run the gamut of emotions, from the sweet glow of new love to gut-wrenching heartache. She always has stories floating around in her head, living in some fantasyland until she writes them down to free them. She is a true romantic, a bit of a Pollyanna, and a deeply emotional soul.
Music is her emotional trigger. Growing up with a Wagnarian-opera-loving mother, Sibylla grew up with music that digs deep into her soul and pulls out emotion. The soundtrack to her life includes different genres and generations. She looooooooves Thirty Seconds to Mars (rather obsessively, actually) with a little Kings of Leon to mix things up, and pimps them out regularly to all her friends through Spotify. She also enjoys watching Met Opera HD broadcasts at her local movie theater, and hopes (listening Met?) to someday see Diana Damrau reprise her role as Mozart’s Queen of the Night in Die Zauberflöte – The Magic Flute.
Sibylla lives with her husband, Mike, a man who she firmly believes saved her from her self-destructive, hot mess self. He makes her laugh every day, even when things seem to be falling apart around them, and has proved to her that love really can heal a shattered soul. In almost 19 years, they have never had a fight, but argue regularly with their two teenage kids who have, unfortunately, inherited their father’s quick wit (unfortunate as it is a quick wit that Sibylla, herself, definitely does not possess – there is a reason she is a writer and not a stand-up comedian), and live a quiet life with their two weird little rescued Chiweenies. Wait… teenagers and little yap-dogs? Okay, maybe not so quiet. :)
Stalk Siby
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Email:
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