Yesterday's Sins

by Wine, Shirley

  Ice coalesced around her heart as she stared at the old doctor in disbelief. "Why?"

  "Why? Did you intend your daughter to be dragged from foster home to foster home for the rest of her life? Or be put up for state ordered adoption?"

  "Dear God, no," Kate breathed, staring at the old man in disbelief. She'd never even considered her precipitate flight would result in Sarah being left so vulnerable.

  "Then why are you so bitter? Alex merely ensured that helpless little girl was saved from a life of misery. You're not being fair."

  Appalled, she stared at him. "I didn't know."

  The old doctor's eyes softened and he patted her hand. "I know. And so did Alex. You and Sarah both should be grateful to him. You need to stop hating Alex. It's eating at your soul, Kate."

  Anguish tore through Kate. Did Dr Hart expect her to forgive Alex for the ordeal he'd put her through?

  "Why?" Her mouth twisted into a grimace. "If it wasn't for Alex Korda, my father and Chris would still be alive."

  "What are you implying? That Alex was responsible for their accident?"

  "Of course he was responsible for it," she whipped back, indignation giving her voice strength.

  "Alex told me you were bitter and twisted, but I didn't believe him. Your father was solely responsible for the crash that claimed his and eight other innocent lives."

  Shocked, she stared at the old man, nervous fingers worrying the sheet. "Nine people died."

  "Korda did you no favours shielding you from your father's illness."

  "What illness?" Her hands clenched. What didn't she know?

  "Three months before that crash, Fraser had a heart attack," he said, his tone dispassionate. "Not too severe, but sufficient to let him know he was mortal. Both his cardiologist and I warned him to take care, but your father refused to listen. He worried about you, and was upset at your stubborn refusal to allow him, or Chris, to visit you in Brisbane."

  Kate stared down at her restless hands plagued by guilt.

  She'd refused point blank to speak to either Chris or her father. They hadn't believed her the day Marcos Korda died, so why should she speak to them?

  Then it was too late. They were both dead.

  "I didn't know."

  "I realize that." A thread of impatience crept into his voice. "Korda refused to tell you. He didn't want you upset. Fraser wasn't in immediate danger. And you were busy being so temperamental; you had everyone concerned about your sanity."

  Kate flushed scarlet at his astringent rebuke.

  "As I said, Korda did you no favours pandering to your every whim."

  For once she had no ready answer.

  Did she have more responsibility for that accident than Alex?

  "Kate, Alex wronged you, there's no argument about that. But you have to be fair. He's done everything possible to redress his actions."

  "He told me that when I met him in New Zealand." She brushed away the weak tears brimming over onto her cheeks.

  "No one's blaming you for being confused and upset and at times far too temperamental." Jeff picked up one of her hands holding it. "The man deserved horsewhipping, at the very least. You were, and still are, quite within your rights to lay criminal charges against him. And believe me Alex knows this. But if you do so, the press will crucify you and Sarah."

  The very thought was enough to make Kate shudder.

  For years she'd lived with the fear of exposure.

  Whatever Alexandros Korda did made news.

  Her involvement with him was just the sort of juicy scandal the gutter press thrived on.

  "Your father had a heart attack at the wheel. He was dead before he crashed."

  "Oh my God." Kate buried her face in her hands, her whole body shaking with distress.

  Every savage word she'd flung at Alex returned to haunt her. And never once, had he attempted to tell her the truth.

  Then he had to tell you they were dead. Have you any idea what that did to him?

  Alex should have told her. But would I have listened or believed him?

  "Alex wasn't at fault, my dear. The cardiologist and I both told Fraser not drive. Had he obeyed that directive, Chris would still be alive today." Jeff paused, giving her time to absorb this further blow. "Fraser made a new will after he'd had his first heart attack."

  Kate glanced at the doctor, full of questions. "He did?"

  "You father knew Korda would always have an impact in your life, whatever the outcome after Sarah's birth. Fraser trusted him to look after not only your affairs, but Chris's as well. No one could have foreseen that tragic accident, or your grief stricken reaction."

  Kate leaned back against the pillow and closed her eyes as she grappled with this version of the hideous events.

  Alex had shielded her from the brutal truth.

  Would she have run away, had she known all this? It was too late, eight years too late to answer that question.

  "Kate," Jeff said very softly, and again she sensed he was measuring each word carefully. "No court would entertain an application for either custody or access to Sarah after this length of time. It would do her irreparable harm to have a public wrangle. And with Korda as her father, rest assured it would be very public. You don't want her hurt, do you?"

  She shook her head, eyes closed. She had never wanted Sarah to get hurt. She was an innocent in a messy situation.

  "The only way you could gain access would be by private arrangement."

  His words closely echoed her own wretched thoughts and she nodded, sniffing inelegantly. He reached for a wad of tissues and handed them to her. When she had mopped up he recaptured her hand.

  "You need time to rest and recuperate." He patted her hand and stood up preparing to take his leave. "Emily Harder is here to keep you company. Take all the time you need. When you're up to it, go and see Doug Carmichael and your cousin."

  Kate watched him walk to the door.

  He paused a moment, looking back at her. "You know where I am if you ever need to talk."

  *****

  Kate stood at the cemetery gates, breathing deeply in a futile effort to remain calm.

  It was time she visited her father's and her twin's grave.

  If she was ever to move forward with her life, she had to lay the ghosts of the past to rest, a realization that had slowly crystallized over the past weeks. Paula had known this when she suggested Kate return home, and Emily had reinforced it.

  And to do this, she needed to come here to say a final goodbye.

  Hours after their deaths, she'd gone into premature labour and gave birth to Sarah. Afterwards, she'd been too ill to attend their funeral.

  Alex had gone in her stead.

  She had put it off so often.

  Emily had asked if she wanted company, but Kate refused. She'd grown very fond of Luke's mother and Kate would much prefer the other woman didn't witness to her cowardice.

  She inhaled a shaky breath.

  Her senses filled with the sweet, cloying smell of gardenias and lilies in the flowers she carried. It had been a mistake to buy these flowers.

  Their scent that evoked memories she would prefer to forget. Their association with Alex was indelibly imprinted on her mind. They dissolved before her tear misted eyes.

  Coming here was a mistake. She wasn't ready. How was anyone ever expected to be ready to say goodbye to their entire family.

  "I can't do this," she muttered, turning away.

  Intent on escaping this place of the dead, her flight halted when a dark suited figure barred her way. Firm hands gripped her shoulders.

  She looked up into Alex's impassive face. "What are you doing here?"

  "Emily was worried about you."

  She wasn't surprised to see him. Mr. Carmichael informed her Alex was monitoring her movements. He was emphatic such surveillance was purely a measure to ensure her protection.

  "I've changed my mind."

  "It will never get any easier." The hand on her shoulder tigh
tened. "Would it help if I came with you?"

  His compassion was almost her undoing, a few tears overflowed.

  This visit reinforced the knowledge that she was completely alone in the world.

  Apart from Sarah, she had no one.

  And as Alex had informed her, with harsh finality, Sarah Korda was no connection of hers.

  While Aunt Grace and Uncle John, her father's brother, were still alive, scheming Jessica was their daughter. And this meant that relationship was fractured beyond repair.

  Did she want Alex's support now?

  Every crisis in her life had hinged on the actions or presence of this man. Between them was so much shared anger and sorrow. And yet, now he'd appeared to help her face this ordeal, he brought with him an undeniable sense of rightness.

  "Would you mind?"

  "That's why I'm here, Catriona."

  He put an arm around her shoulders; giving her an encouraging smile as together they walked through the gates into the hallowed grounds of the beautifully landscaped park.

  In a section beyond the overhanging pepper trees, he stopped in front of a marble headstone, shaped like the open pages of a book.

  Kate had visited this gravesite often in the years after her mother's death.

  "Your father is buried here beside your mother," Alex murmured, his hand on her shoulder in silent support. "He bought this double plot when she died."

  "He always said he wanted that."

  Alex dropped his arm, standing silent as she knelt and laid flowers at the base of the open book. She traced a finger over her parents' names, tears trickling down her cheeks.

  I never want to see you again. Ever. The words, the last she'd ever said to her father were a hollow drumbeat in her mind. I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry, Daddy."

  Finally, she went to rise and Alex's hand was there, sure and steady. She leaned against him, absorbing his strength.

  "You okay?" he asked softly, his hand supporting her under her elbow.

  Kate looked up at him suppressing the urge to wail her grief to the heavens. "I told him I never wanted to see him again."

  Alex's harshly indrawn breath was loud in the silence. "When he rang you at Indooroopilly?"

  She nodded.

  "Ah, Cat," Alex held her close and whispered, "Why?"

  "I couldn't bear it." The admission tumbled out. "All my life, he was so much tougher on me than he was on Chris. That day he accused me of lying. That's why I visited you."

  Alex stiffened, tension radiating from him. "Only to get the same reception from me?"

  Kate shivered and moved restively, the past suddenly a living entity between them. Alex dropped his arms. She nodded, looking up at him. "You had more reason. We were strangers and I'd intruded on your grief."

  That admission made him wince. "If your father didn't believe you then, you wouldn't see him when he wanted to visit?"

  Again she nodded, glancing at him. "Something like that."

  "I've always wondered," he murmured, shaking his head. "At the time, to me your refusal to see your father and twin was illogical. And you've had to live with this ever since."

  She nodded, fresh tears welling in her eyes. "My mother always told me to be careful what I wished for."

  "Catriona, there's no way you wished your father dead. How can you think that?" He caught her by the shoulders, his hands warm and steady.

  "I may not have wished it, but it happened."

  "It happened, but you were not responsible," he said firmly drawing her close again. For long moments she rested against him, drawing comfort from his warmth and strength.

  "And Chris?"

  "Over there." He indicated another section of neatly laid out headstones. "Do you want to be alone for a while?"

  "No." The last thing she wanted was to be here alone. She needed to feel human warmth, to know she wasn't alone among the dead. "I'll come back another day."

  "Come." With these quiet words he led her through to a newer section.

  Kate saw the simple marble headstone engraved with her twin's name and her composure shattered.

  Strong arms held her securely as she wept. His mellifluous murmur of Greek was as comforting as his arms, the cloying scent of gardenias and lilies bittersweet.

  "Feeling better?"

  The words made her tearful all over again. What was there about this man that made her treasure his moments of gentleness? In the lonely years of her exile she'd hungered for this tenderness.

  She pushed the thought away, it was far too painful.

  "A little." She mopped her eyes with the white handkerchief he pushed into her hand, yet another familiar gesture. "Thank you."

  Clutching tightly to the life line of his hand, she bent and laid the flowers beside the headstone, before turning away.

  "You okay?"

  A shiver shook her. "Let's go, please."

  His hand gripped hers tightly as they turned away. They'd walked a few yards when Kate stopped. He looked down, his eyebrow raised in a query.

  "Give me a moment." She freed her hand and walked back to Chris's grave and took a single white lily from the flowers she'd left, and returned to his side.

  "Where is Marcos, Alex?" she asked with a watery smile.

  For a moment he stared at her, surprised, then without comment, led her along two rows and stopped beside another marble headstone. Kate knelt and laid the lily at its base.

  Marcos Korda aged six years. Forever loved.

  And far too young to die.

  The anguished thought lodged beneath her heart. She touched the headstone, traced a finger over the carved words.

  This child's death had changed so many lives. Try as she might, she could never see her twin or her father as lifeless bodies.

  Marcos Korda was different.

  For years, she'd been haunted by the waxen-pale effigy of a little boy. She stood up and took the hand Alex held out.

  "It's so hard to accept he'll never run or play in the sun again."

  Alex nodded his expression grave.

  "I still remember Chris and Daddy alive and sparkling with energy."

  "That's how they would like to be remembered."

  She was surprised by his understanding until she remembered. All Alex's family, with the exception of Luke, were buried here.

  And Sarah.

  Their daughter was a living presence and constraint between them, a subject too fraught for discussion.

  But soon, I will decide what to do about Sarah.

  Only not today.

  In silence, they walked back towards the gates, holding hands. When they reached the car, a chauffeur emerged holding open the car door. Kate looked around for Emily's car.

  "I sent it back," Alex said. "Emily is expecting you to return with me."

  Hot protest at his arbitrary action rose, and then, with a resigned shrug, she got into the car. She'd been grateful for his support and she needed to talk to him. He slid into the seat beside her and, after speaking to his driver, closed the privacy window.

  "Alex." She gripped her hands tightly in her lap. "I owe you an apology. Mr. Carmichael and Dr. Hart have told me about that crash. Why didn't you tell me? And about Daddy having a heart attack?"

  He gave one of his expressive shrugs. "I didn't think you needed to be burdened with anything more at the time. With hindsight, I may have made the wrong decision. But there's no way we can change it. All we can do is accept it, and move on."

  "I suppose." Now, with the benefit of maturity she understood his reasoning.

  After the trauma she'd been through, would knowing of her father's non-fatal heart attack have tipped her over the edge?

  Who could say for certain now?

  Alex hadn't pandered to her every whim as Dr. Hart suggested. He'd really feared adding to her emotional burden. But decisions made then could never be changed.

  Kate stared without seeing, out the car window until Alex's deep voice broke her absorption.

  "What
are you planning to do?"

  She looked at him. "Do?"

  "Are you intending to stay here, or go back to Clevedon?" Impatience crept into his voice, his black brows coming down in a forbidding frown.