HARDER

by Olivia Hawthorne

  He glanced across the room to the small group of college girls he’d been hanging out with previously. Each one of them shot me a look that would have killed me dead if they’d had that kind of power.

  “Oh them?” he shrugged and turned back to me. “They’ll be fine but you aren’t. I don’t think you realize how drunk you are. Do you do this kind of thing often?”

  “That’s the problem,” I said with hot red cheeks, “I don’t drink that much and I never go out. I’m a home body I guess, kinda boring compared to people like you.”

  “I rarely come out,” he said glancing over my head at the DJ booth. “That’s my friend Ryan up there though. I come out when he’s DJing, he needs the support.”

  “He doesn’t look like it,” I said looking up at his friend. He exuded confidence and had everybody eating out of the palm of his hand.

  “Yeah, but he almost throws up every damn time he’s booked because of the nerves,” Caleb replied with a quick smile. He shifted from one foot to the other and asked, “Can you text Addy or something?”

  “She’s got my phone and wallet with her,” I groaned and felt a pinch of desperation rise up. “I’m stuck here I guess.”

  “No you’re not,” Caleb replied. “I’ll hang out for a bit and if she doesn’t come back, I’ll get you home.”

  “Oh god, seriously, you don’t have to,” I replied. I hated that I was ruining his night out.

  He would have none of it though; he ordered me an ice water with lemon, a black coffee for himself and pulled a stick of gum out of his pocket for me.

  It was settled. I chewed on the minty gum and tried to chat with Caleb Harder while ignoring the fact that I’d become his burden for the night.

  Not exactly the way I thought I’d be spending my childfree night. I really should have stayed home.

  Chapter 7

  I felt like I was sobering up as I sipped my ice water. Caleb didn’t seem fazed by the fact that I’d wrecked his night and was telling me stories about his wild college years.

  I had nothing to add, I really was boring. Not just now, but my whole life apparently.

  A little after midnight he looked at his phone and said, “Well it looks like you’ve been officially abandoned.”

  “It seems that way,” I sighed. I sipped the last of my water and crunched a couple ice cubes.

  “I’m going to let everyone know I’m leaving and I’ll drive you home,” he said.

  “Can’t you just lend me money for a cab or something?” I asked even though I didn’t know how I would ever afford to pay him back.

  “You want to know something?” he asked and leaned across the table at me.

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  He looked around as if confiding something deep to me, smiled and said, “I hate this music. And this place is not my vibe at all. I don’t mind taking you home.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I am positive,” he replied with a wink.

  He walked over to his friend Ryan who was on a break. They talked for a couple moments, he pointed at me and I waved when Ryan lifted his hand at me. The girls who hated me were crowded around Ryan and once again all shot me equal looks of envy and anger.

  I smiled at them; the apparent leader flipped her hair and looked away. She leaned in and told something apparently hilarious because they all glanced my way and laughed their fool heads off.

  I wanted to link my arm in Caleb’s just to piss them off even more but didn’t want to risk Caleb pulling away from me and giving them satisfaction.

  He didn’t take long, he strode across the packed dance floor as his friend climbed back up into the DJ booth. He smiled at me, shook his head and said, “You’re glowing. Maybe this drunk puke thing is good for you or something.”

  “Glowing?” I snorted. “Probably a couple broken blood vessels after throwing up on you.”

  “Well whatever it is, it looks good on you.”

  I mumbled thanks and slipped off the stool to discover I wasn’t as sober as I’d thought. I wavered for a moment and Caleb held his arm out for me to cling to.

  I couldn’t help it. I’m not proud of it, but as we walked away I turned around and smirked at the blonde snotty girl and her friends.

  I may have even stuck my tongue out at them just a little.

  Take that, bitches, I thought and mentally flashed them two big middle fingers up as we left the club.

  Life didn’t let me win that often so I couldn’t possibly pass that chance up. It might never happen to me again.

  * * *

  Part way home I begged Caleb to stop his truck. He drove one of those new Dodge Rams with the huge tires and about ten feet off the ground. It was ridiculous when I tried to climb up, he’d had to wrap his hands around my waist and lift me into it.

  Okay, it wasn’t that bad. But I’m sure if there was a ride height requirement I would have failed it.

  “Are you okay?” he asked as he slowed down into a rest stop.

  “I might throw up again,” I blurted, “I’m sorry.”

  He came to a halt and I tumbled out the door, almost losing balance as I ran to the grass.

  He stood next to me and I looked down at his boots. He’d changed his pukey shoes before we left and had slipped on work boots. It was weird but they turned me on more than the expensive shoes he’d tossed in the dumpster outside the club.

  That combined with his rough hands let me know he was a man who wasn’t afraid of a little work, and that spoke to my own stubborn workaholic side.

  I heaved a little but nothing came up. I felt my head start to spin again and motioned for the picnic table in front of us. Caleb helped me limp over there to catch my breath. I sat down and he took the spot next to me, our legs facing out and our backs against the table itself.

  “You must hate me,” I said, holding my head in my hands.

  “Not at all,” he replied. “How could I ever hate somebody like you?”

  “You mean somebody who’s a total fuck up?”

  “I mean somebody who is a little lost, a little funny, a little sad and more than a little beautiful,” he replied quietly.

  I heard the rush of cars on the highway next to the rest stop. Late night long haul truckers heading from one place to another, places I’d never seen and I would never see. I almost didn’t let myself really hear what Caleb had said because it felt so right to hear him say it.

  And how could it be right when he was so damned wrong? I had to remember what a jerk he’d been to Lucy that first day I met him or else I might soften up towards him when he was like this.

  He scared me. And I was done being scared. I needed to focus on Lucy and I, not somebody like Caleb Harder. I needed to look away from him and forget that he had just called me beautiful.

  I needed to, but I didn’t. His eyes were so brilliant and intense and his gorgeous lips were turned up in the smallest of smiles.

  He reached up and put his hand on the back of my neck under my tangled hair and pulled me towards him. I pulled the gum from my mouth and forgot every single ounce of fear I had as he kissed me.

  Chapter 8

  His mouth was soft and firm at the same time. His hand gripped me tightly but was gentle against my neck. He was forceful but hesitant. It was a kiss full of contradictions, as if he could feel my own fear flowing from my body into his. He was reacting to it on a visceral level and it worried me.

  Had Rolland’s abuse rendered me unlovable? Was I wearing the scent of that horrible life still clinging to my skin? Could Caleb feel the anger that had been directed at me all those years?

  I closed my eyes tighter and moaned softly. I was determined to sink into the sensations of his lips on mine, to forget my past and just me in Caleb’s arms.

  He responded to that, he kissed me harder and I fluttered my eyelids in ecstasy. His kiss ramped up to an intensity I couldn’t remember ever feeling before and I couldn’t help myself, I wrapped my arms around him, delighting in the ri
ppling of his muscles under his shirt as he moved against me.

  He leaned towards me and put his arm around my waist pulled me over until I was straddling him, sitting on his lap facing him.

  I gasped and settled in, he kissed me harder and our mouths crashed together in a seemingly endless exploration of tongues and lips and overwhelming fiery sensations.

  I could feel his hardness through his jeans and he was huge. I blushed even thinking about it, but some part of my body took complete control and I settled straight onto it, riding it as we kissed.

  It was his turn to moan, he pulled me tight against him and bucked his hips slightly, moving me forwards along his rigid shaft.

  “Fuck,” he groaned and reached up to weave the fingers of both hands in my thick, messy hair. He continued to kiss me and I kissed him until I lost all sense of time and place.

  He dropped his hand slowly down my body, traveling along my shoulder and arm and settling on my hip. He massaged my upper thigh and languidly worked my dress up until his hand was circling dangerously close to my panties.

  I adjusted my position on his lap and opened my legs wider to settle lower. I could feel his penis so close to my soaked panties I wanted to scream from the tension.

  How had this happened? He was a jerk, then nice, and now this? I wasn’t that drunk any more, so I couldn’t even blame my behavior on that.

  This was one hundred percent me being a totally easy woman for Caleb Harder.

  I was about to put my hands on his chest and tell him this isn’t how I usually behaved when bright headlights cut across the darkness and illuminated the rest stop.

  I pulled back and pulled my dress down as I turned around to see who had stopped. It was a big rig with a trailer behind it, followed by another one and another.

  Soon our quiet little make out space was filled with loud truckers using the toilets and vending machines while they exchanged information about their night on the road.

  “Shit,” Caleb said under his breath. “Nothing kills the mood like an impromptu trucker convention.”

  “It does kinda ruin the romance,” I replied, looking into his eyes with my arms around his neck. “That was…well, it was weird anyhow. I don’t usually do things like that.”

  “Like what? This?” he asked with a crooked grin and moved his hand up my thigh again to settle his thumb on the edge of my panties. “Or like this?” he asked and pulled my panties down just enough for him to slip his hand inside of them, his thumb circling closer and closer to my dripping cleft.

  “Neither of those,” I stammered and became increasingly aware of the fact that I would probably have sex with him right there on that picnic table in sight of all the truckers. I would do pretty much anything for Caleb Harder at that moment.

  “Well that’s a good thing,” he said softly. “Neither do I.”

  I laughed and he pulled back away from my melting core and ran his hand up my back to join the other tangled in my hair. He pulled me forward for another kiss, but it wasn’t exactly the same.

  Now that he’d gotten so close, half of me wondered desperately what it would feel like to have Caleb really touch me.

  A couple more trucks rumbled up and Caleb and I had to agree that whatever we’d been doing was now lost. It was getting a little too crowded to continue making out like horny teens.

  I shimmied off his lap, smoothed out my dress and waited for him to stand. He immediately took my hand and drew me in for another kiss though which was unexpected. He had to lean way over to reach me and I stood on my tippy toes and tilted my head up.

  Oddly enough our bodies fit perfectly together, I melted against him and his strong hands held onto my waist keeping me steady when his kisses went straight to my head.

  We finally broke apart and walked hand in hand to his truck. It was the weirdest feeling, being so free and unashamed to do something as shocking as this.

  I felt like a teenager again, like I had before Rolland had scooped me up and convinced me that we didn’t need birth control. Like before my life became something other than my own and all my dreams had been put on hold.

  It was intoxicating and I could easily become addicted if I wasn’t careful with my heart.

  Caleb helped me into the truck and I looked back at the picnic table longingly. It felt like this was the end of something magical that had happened and I had to be okay with that.

  But this nagging tension in my stomach screamed at me that this was not enough, my body wanted more from Caleb even if my mind knew it wouldn’t work.

  Chapter 9

  He walked me to my apartment and kissed me again, a brief but passionate kiss on my front step.

  I went inside, closed my door and leaned back against it to enjoy the lingering sensation of his lips on mine for a moment longer.

  I felt like giggling and texting Addy about it, but realized I wasn’t the type to giggle and I had no phone to text her with.

  I checked the clock on the microwave and groaned when I saw it was past three in the morning. I rushed to bed, leaving my clothes in a pile, and curled myself around my pillow with a smile on my face.

  It didn’t take long for me to fall into a restful sleep. Unfortunately morning came too quickly.

  But that’s how it was when you had a child to care for.

  * * *

  I rubbed my eyes and sipped my coffee before adjusting my hoodie and looking for my sunglasses.

  The morning was entirely too bright, like the sun was mocking me for having a little adult fun the night before.

  “God dammit, I deserve a night out every once in a while,” I grumbled and put my glasses on. The relief was immediate. “Couldn’t I get an overcast day?”

  I checked the answering machine again just to make sure there were no calls from the Taylors overnight and took another drink of coffee.

  I was not handling this whole hangover thing very well and blessedly had another hour before picking Lucy up. I might need something stronger than my weak home brew to handle her excited enthusiastic voice though. I briefly thought about making my way to the specialty coffee place at the end of town for one of those ‘double extra large paint removing strong’ shots of espresso but the thought of running into anyone I knew made me reconsider.

  I was about to flop onto the couch and pass the time with whatever crap TV shows I’d recorded throughout the week when there was a persistent tapping at the door.

  “Hang on, bitch,” I laughed as I walked towards it, expecting it to be Addy with my phone and wallet.

  I opened it to find Caleb Harder on my front step. I looked out up and down the outside breezeway to make sure nobody had seen and pulled him in.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked breathlessly. The last thing I needed was for Lucy to find out I’d had some guy over when she was gone. I didn’t want to make her feel insecure about leaving me alone.

  “I brought you this,” he said, looking uncertain. “Should I go? Is this a bad time?” He held up a couple of disposable coffee cups and a take out container.

  “No, I just don’t want anyone to see you,” I said, closing the door.

  “Oh, that makes me feel better,” he laughed. “Is there a servant’s entrance I could use next time?”

  “No, shit,” I said, “sorry that came out all wrong. I just don’t want my daughter to think she goes on one sleepover and I have guys coming over.”

  “Ah, I see,” he replied, “I think that’s admirable.”

  “Thanks,” I said, eyeballing the cup. “That’s ‘really strong hair on your chest make you growl like a gorilla caffeine coma’ type coffee I hope.”

  “Indeed it is,” he chuckled and handed me one. “I left it black, I didn’t know what you liked.”

  “Black is good,” I said and held the cup in both hands like it was a sacred object. “Ohhhhhh yeah, this is the good stuff.”

  “Feeling a little rough?” he asked, setting his cup on my kitchen table and opening the container. “
I also brought you a blueberry quinoa muffin. It’s chock full of protein and carbs, the perfect mix to help you over that hangover speed bump.”

  I hadn’t realized I was hungry until he mentioned food. My stomach began to growl. “Please sit down,” I said and joined him at the table. “And god yes, my head is protesting my wild time out last night.”

  “Wild?” he laughed, “If that was wild, you haven’t been out in a while.”

  I blushed and looked down at the muffin. “Uh, yeah, try never,” I said and picked a juicy blueberry off the side and popped it in my mouth.

  “Never?” he laughed, and then did a double take when he realized I was serious. “Really?”

  “I’ve lead a sheltered life,” I told him and quickly changed the subject before he asked about Lucy’s father. I wasn’t quite ready to open up about that yet. “How do you feel?”

  “I didn’t drink much, so I’m fine,” he replied, looking me in the eye. “Listen, I came over here to talk about last night actually.”

  I had been hoping we’d just skate around the issue of us kissing, but here he was bringing it up. I gulped and asked, “What do you need to talk about?”

  He exhaled slowly and ran his hand through his thick hair. He frowned and said, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now. I don’t want to give you the wrong impression.”

  “Impression?” I laughed. “What kind of impression do you think you gave me?”

  “I know women tend to get more attached than men,” he said, “and I don’t want you to think that me kissing you was something it wasn’t.”

  I couldn’t explain it, but the bottom dropped out of my stomach at his words. I felt sick and almost feverish and was grateful I still had my sunglasses on. “It was barely anything and I hardly remember it,” I said, “do you think I get one sloppy kiss on the side of the road and suddenly I want to get married? I don’t think so, mister.”

  “It wasn’t that bad, was it?” he smiled but looked extremely relieved. That made me even more upset.