HARDER

by Olivia Hawthorne

  “Not like Daddy at all,” I said and hugged her, stroked her hair and calmed her nerves. “Caleb is a nice man. He’s our friend.”

  “I like him,” Lucy said with a smile. Like that she flipped her switch and was happy again. Kids were resilient beyond belief. “I still think you should marry him!”

  I laughed and chased her into bed. I tucked the blankets around her and kissed her goodnight. I sat with her until she began to fall asleep, then I stood up quietly and crept out of the room and closed her door.

  My heart always swelled with love and pride at the end of the day when I had a quiet moment to think about Lucy. She had always been the bright shining spot in my life, and nothing had changed even though Caleb was starting to rise on the horizon.

  I rushed around the place and tidied up. It never failed to astound me how much mess one little girl could create in such a short time.

  I made some herbal tea and sat at the kitchen table as if on coiled springs, waiting for Caleb’s knock.

  I didn’t have to wait long, he rapped gently, I opened the door and he stepped inside, taking me into his arms.

  He smelled fresh, like the night air and his own musky scent underneath it all. I tilted my head up for a kiss and he did not disappoint.

  His kiss was frantic, desperate to taste me as I was for him. The few hours we’d been apart had allowed our hunger to peak and our need to become overpowering again.

  I led him to my room and we fell onto each other, kissing and touching our tension away.

  We came together, my mouth muffled by biting hard on the comforter to avoid making any noise.

  Afterwards we had a light sheen of sweat covering our bodies and our hearts were pounding together like matching jackhammers. My love for him was growing with every breath I took and I felt so utterly safe in his arms.

  Peaceful and safe.

  So unlike with Rolland, the feeling was so different that at times it frightened me. I was still waiting for the moment Rolland found me and dragged me back into hell.

  I shuddered at the thought and Caleb squeezed me close.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. “You seem frightened.”

  I was frightened but being there with him made me want to face it. I wanted to walk through the fire of my past and come out the other side better for it, for his love.

  “It’s…my past…” I said but my voice trailed off.

  “Only tell me if you’re comfortable,” he said and hugged me closer, kissed the top of my head. “You’re safe with me though, and I’ll never judge you Brooke. I love you for who you are today, not who you once were.”

  I took a deep breath and steadied myself for what I was about to tell him. It hurt me already, knowing he would look at me differently than he used to. Knowing that he might feel sorry for me.

  “It all started in high school,” I began with a tremble in my voice. “I met him when I was so young but he was my everything.”

  “Is this Lucy’s father?” he asked, kissing my forehead and stroking my hair.

  I felt my throat close, so I cleared it and told him everything.

  Chapter 23

  Caleb was exactly what I needed him to be as I spoke. He was kind and considerate…and he listened. He asked questions from time to time, but ultimately he just let me talk.

  “It wasn’t bad at first, I still lived at home and I was in love. He swept me off my feet. My parents objected of course, with him being so much older than me. They could see it too, they knew he was bad for me.”

  I shifted and looked up at him, he was watching me with love and acceptance on his face. He wasn’t going to shove me away like I’d worried.

  I continued. “I got pregnant really soon, I found out later that he’d poked holes in the condoms so he would have a reason to control me. He wanted me out of my parents house.”

  “What a bastard,” Caleb said in a low voice.

  “He really was. We never got married, there was some part of me that never wanted to make it official, and it used to drive him into rages. In fact the first time he hit me was during an argument about marriage.”

  “The first time?” Caleb asked, his eyes going flat with anger. “He hit you often?”

  “Not at first, but it just kept getting worse. He hurt me when I was pregnant, but by then I had moved away with him and had cut off my family. They never met her when she was born. They’ve never met her.”

  “Are you in touch with them now?”

  “I just messaged my mom on Facebook actually. They want us to go visit, if I can save a little bit I’ll try to make it home in the next few months.”

  “Let’s go this weekend,” he said, “where are they?”

  “Colorado,” I said. “And that’s crazy, I can’t just pick up and leave.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t have the money, Caleb. Don’t make me say it, I hate feeling like a leach around you.”

  “We’ll fly, we can take my plane. Call your parents and let them know we’re going to be there Friday. We’ll get a hotel and see your parents from there.”

  “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

  He cupped my face in both of his hands and said, “I couldn’t be there to save you, Brooke, let me give you this.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I said. “It was Rolland. He was such a scumbag that he decided beating his woman was a hobby. He would lay the boots on me almost every weekend after he got drunk. It’s just something I got used to.”

  “You are no longer used to being abused,” Caleb said. “Not with me around. I will protect you from men like him for the rest of your life. I will always love you and treat you gently.”

  “I believe it,” I replied. “How did you come from your father? He’s such an awful person.”

  “I learned from watching him. I knew I never wanted to be like him. The worst crime I commit is being excessively grumpy at my staff. Most of them hang on because I pay them well, but for some reason I clash especially hard with cooks.”

  “Ah that’s right, hence the sandwich delivery.”

  “Well that, and the fact that it got you to my house every day. I can’t tell you how excited I was to get my lunch when I knew it was being delivered by you.”

  He grinned shyly then and I felt a little tremble of joy that he’d loved seeing me as much as I loved seeing him.

  “I knew I came to Harder’s Mill for a reason,” I said and smiled.

  “I know I’m more than happy that you found our town. What made you decide to up and leave your life?”

  “I guess I just finally had it,” I told him. “Lucy and I left when Rolland was out of town on a job. Just a weekend away, but it was enough for me to pack up a few things and get away from him. We seem to have achieved it though, he hasn’t come after us.”

  “You should move in with me,” he said, frowning. “I hate the thought of him catching you unawares, or harming Lucy.”

  “I don’t think he would hurt her, he’s more into inflicting pain on me.”

  “I can’t watch you all the time, you need to move in with me.”

  “Your father…I don’t know if I can, Caleb. He reminds me of Rolland.”

  Caleb grunted and seemed to think about something as he went quiet.

  “We’ll get a place together,” he insisted. “My father owns the house, it’s never been mine. I would love to buy a house with you.”

  “What about Lucy? It might be too soon for her.”

  “What’s the harm?”

  “What if we break up.”?

  “Oh Brooke, you silly sexy girl,” he said in a voice thick with emotion. He stroked my cheek with the tips of his fingers and locked his eyes on mine. “We are never going to break up, don’t you know that yet? You are mine and that means forever.”

  It occurred to me then that Caleb was the opposite of Rolland. Where Rolland wanted to own me in a way that drove out every aspect of my life and myself, Caleb wanted to claim me lik
e I was his territory, and then move through the world together, like two boats drifting in the dark having found each other. He wasn’t claiming me to control me; he was claiming me to offer me freedom.

  “Okay,” I said and laughed. “Okay I will move in with you Caleb Harder, and I will let you take us to my family this weekend.”

  “I love you Brooke, and I want to spend the rest of my life making up for not being there for you when you were hurting. If there’s any way for me to make Rolland’s life a fucking misery, I will find it. I promise you that here and now.”

  He took my hand and placed it on his chest over his heart. I could feel it beating quickly and I understood that Caleb was a man of his word.

  “I love you too, Caleb,” I said and curled myself in his arms and let his presence wash over me. “I will spend the rest of my life making up for your hurt and I promise to be everything Anna wasn’t…faithful and dedicated.”

  He stiffened up and I realized what I’d said. I had been so relaxed and comfortable that it had just slipped out.

  “What did my father tell you?” he asked, not looking at me.

  I thought about everything I could say to cover it up, the lies I could tell to give him peace and let him think I knew nothing.

  But a lie was a lie, and even if the intention was pure, it was still starting my relationship with Caleb with deceit.

  I gathered my courage and said, “He told me some awful things, Caleb. And if any of it is true, I’m so sorry. I want to make it up to you by being your devoted partner. I will never hurt you.”

  He was still, his arms wooden around me, and I worried that I’d pushed too far. That he’d retreat now that the information was out and I knew his horrible secret.

  He softened though, and kissed my forehead, tilted my face up and looked at me. “We can make up for our hurts together, Brooke. We have a lifetime of happiness and love to erase any pain.”

  “I’m ready for that,” I replied and closed my eyes. Our shared stories made me feel even more connected than before. I felt our lives intersecting and growing together and it felt so right.

  * * *

  Caleb snuck over to my place every night during the week. Tuesday night we went out for pizza with Lucy and managed to play like we were still just buddies hanging out casually.

  It drove me wild though, the smoldering glances he shot my way or the touch of his fingers on my flesh when he handed me a napkin. It made it more exciting somehow, the forbidden hidden aspect of our blossoming love. I felt like a teenager all over again.

  I sent a message back to my mom on Facebook and let her know we could visit over the weekend. She was so excited she insisted on calling me immediately and we talked for almost an hour. It made me sob afterwards, realizing all that time I’d lost with my family.

  Caleb held me and rubbed my back as I mourned the lost years. He spoke to me of the time I had with them now, and how I would appreciate it so much more now that I knew how precious it was.

  I calmed down and let him sooth me with his voice. I loved him even more after that, as if it was possible, but I did.

  I loved Caleb Harder and he loved me.

  The weekend arrived quicker than I had anticipated and Thursday night I sat down with Lucy to tell her about her grandparents and uncle.

  “What do you mean a grandma and grandpa?” Lucy asked with curiosity in her eyes. We were cuddling on the couch watching Beauty and the Beast for what felt like a billionth time. She’d been singing along when I’d dropped the bomb on her.

  “I mean my mom and dad. And my brother. Your uncle David.”

  “Why did you never tell me about them?” she asked in her little girl distracted voice. Her golden curls and deep green eyes always reminded me so much of my mother. She was going to be lucky and beautiful if she took after her.

  “I wasn’t talking to them,” I told her. “It’s all behind us now and Caleb is going to take us to Colorado to see them this weekend.”

  “Caleb?” she asked and perked up. “Are we going to drive?”

  “Nope,” I said with a grin, “even better. We’re going to fly in his private plane!”

  “What? Like we’re famous?”

  “Exactly,” I said feeling a little smug about the extravagance of our trip. “It’s going to be an awesome visit.”

  She seemed interested but the next song came on the DVD and she was distracted again and sang along word for word.

  I ended up packing and repacking for her and I a few times over. My wardrobe suddenly seemed inadequate; I hadn’t bought anything new for myself in so long. I hoped I didn’t look too much like the frumpy country mouse I felt like.

  On Friday after school I was able to take off from Virgie’s Diner a couple hours early. Caleb arrived right on time, helped us with our luggage and drove us to the airport.

  We walked right onto the runway and climbed aboard his sleek little jet. We got to meet the captain and the one crewmember and settled into our leather seats.

  Lucy was curious but not frightened, Caleb was completely relaxed but I was more than a little nervous.

  “This is our first time flying,” I said looking over at Caleb.

  “Lucy’s first time?” he asked and smiled at her.

  “Not just me, Mommy’s too!” Lucy chirped and turned to look out the window. “Are we flying yet?”

  “Not yet,” Caleb laughed. “Are you going to be okay Brooke?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, sticking with my open and honest policy.

  “I’m going to come sit next to you,” he said and unbuckled his seatbelt to move into the seat beside me.

  “Thanks,” I said and took his hand. Lucy was in front of me and so focused on looking out the window that she didn’t notice how white knuckled my hand was as I gripped Caleb’s fingers tightly.

  I closed my eyes and gasped as the plane began to move and I thought I was going to faint once we left the ground.

  “Now we’re flying!” Lucy called out to me. She was glued to the window staring down at the ground.

  “Oh goody,” I choked out, kept my eyes shut and gripped Caleb’s hand.

  I didn’t care if she saw just then; I needed his comfort more than I needed to be discreet.

  Chapter 24

  I was much better by the time the plane landed. Lucy laughed at me every time I squeaked and screamed along the way.

  I could see the benefit of having your own plane; at least I hadn’t had to show my fear to an entire plane full of strangers.

  “There’s a car ready for us,” Caleb said as we stepped down from the plane. A driver stood next to a new black sedan and I wondered where the heck he’d managed to find them out here in my small town.

  He helped us with our luggage again, ever the gentleman, and we were soon driving towards my childhood home.

  “How do you feel?” he asked and took my trembling hand.

  “Nervous,” I said. “Scared. What if they’re still mad at me?”

  “How could they be? They’ll be too happy seeing you again. And Lucy will distract them with her charms, won’t you Lucy?”

  She looked over at us and glanced down where our hands were intertwined. “Are you two boyfriend and girlfriend now?”

  I stammered and said, “I think maybe. Possibly. Is that okay with you sweetie?”

  “It’s about time,” she grinned and looked out the window watching the landscape slowly change from town buildings to rural farms. I snuck a peek at Caleb and caught his pleased smile.

  He squeezed my hand tighter for a moment and in that one small gesture everything felt right in the world.

  My nerves were shot when we turned up the driveway to my parent’s place; it hadn’t changed a bit since I’d left years before.

  My parents were waiting on the front porch and that’s where the changes were evident. My mom was obviously older but my dad was the one who made me suck in my breath.

  He looked very ill; his skin was a grey pallor
and his body looked as though it had shrunk in on itself.

  I thought it would be awkward, a slow burn back to our previous comfort level with each other.

  It wasn’t. I couldn’t contain myself, I ran up the steps two at a time and threw myself into their arms.

  I was babbling and crying as loud as my mom and my dad just held me close and petted my hair. I couldn’t hold back the emotions that were bubbling up from in my chest. All the time I’d been apart, all the stress and horror I’d been through with Rolland. It surged forth and I felt free because of it.

  “I missed you so much,” Mom said at last and stood back, looking me up and down. “You’re so beautiful. You sure do look like your dad’s mother.”

  “Hi,” Lucy said from the bottom of the steps. She was standing awkwardly next to Caleb and her hand was in his.

  “You must be Lucy,” Dad said and stepped away from me. He held his arms open and said, “Come here, sweetheart! Come see grandpa!”

  “Can I call you Pop Pop? That’s what my friend Sarah calls her grandpa,” she asked shyly and made her way up the steps towards us.

  “You can call me anything you want, just don’t call me late for dinner,” Dad grinned as Lucy jumped into his arms.

  Mom and I watched as Lucy looked around carefully, taking in all the surroundings. Mom and dad’s place was the same, a white clapboard farmhouse with a welcoming front porch and cute dormer windows on the second floor.

  “Is this where you grew up?” she asked me with her eyes wide and full of wonder.

  I crouched down and smiled. “It is. And later I’ll show you the creek where I used to catch frogs and the hayloft I used to play in.”

  “Cool,” she said and let my mom give her a big hug.

  Caleb hung back but I motioned to him to come up. “Mom, Dad, this is Caleb. He’s my friend and the reason we were able to come out this weekend.”

  “He’s her booooyyyfriend,” Lucy teased and I saw a look of disapproval flicker over my mom’s features.