We drive in silence for a few miles before I break, asking the question all curious minds want to know.
“So what’s the deal with you and Reagan? You know it can’t happen right? As in, if Roman doesn’t kill you first, Ram will.”
I rotate my head to get a good look at him. My comment doesn’t seem to faze him, judging from the creeping smile on his face.
“I’m serious, Linc, don’t mess with Reagan. She’s not like—”
“Like me? I know.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“You meant she’s pure and innocent. Unlike my tainted fucked up self. No, it’s true.”
I feel like an asshole. Linc may have had a rough life, and made more than a handful of bad choices, but he’s been nothing but an amazing brother. He might be covered in tattoos, and possibly jobless, but he’s loyal and protective. He’s smart in his own way, funny, and a damn good friend.
“I’m not sayin’ that. I’m just saying to be careful with her. She’s had bad luck with guys, and I just don’t want to see her get hurt.”
He turns, meeting my eyes before turning back away.
“It’s not like that. She’s different. Special. I would never fucking hurt her.”
“Then how is it with her?”
“Different. We’re friends. I can just talk to her. She listens. Understands.”
I feel a little hurt that he just admitted he has someone else in his life who he opens up to. Ever since we crossed paths, it had always been me. A part of me wants to argue that that person should still be me. But then, there’s that other part of me that is thankful he has someone too.
“I haven’t touched her. I swear,” he adds. He’s staring out the window, tapping his finger on the ledge. He looks lost in thought. Lost in thoughts of Reagan, I assume. I’ve watched them together, and it shocks me to hear nothing has happened. Linc is not one to have just friends. He’s a good looking guy. The one all the good girls want to say they had a wild ride with before running back home to their perfectly manicured lives.
I’d call his bluff on nothing happening with her, but now doesn’t seem like the right time. Maybe he is changing and in a good way. Maybe Reagan is helping him.
We enter the small café and spot my dad sitting in a corner. The second he sees us, he stands. Linc goes in first and offers my dad a man hug and pat.
“Good to see you, Linc. You look well.” He pulls away and brings his eyes to me. He looks nervous.
But I’m sure I do too.
“Hi there,” he says, not making a move to hug me as he did Linc.
“Hey, Dad,” I reply and slowly walk over to him to give him the hug he wants, despite my feelings on the matter. He looks shocked at first but wraps his arms around me, tugging me close. He smells the same. Old Spice and a hint of saw dust.
“I’ve missed you, kiddo.”
His sweet endearment soaks in, but it quickly turns my stomach sour. All those years he was gone, making a new life with a new family, and never once did he reach out. He never sent a letter or expressed that he ever thought about us. About me. Missing me now just doesn’t cut it for me.
I pull away.
His grimace at my withdrawal tells me that he knows he’s already messed up. “Well, should we order? I’m sure you both are hungry.”
We take our seats. Linc and I next to one another with my dad across from us. The waitress comes and takes our drink order. Linc orders a beer while my dad and I both stick to water. The conversation is light, and I know my dad is treading lightly.
Once the waitress is back to take our order, I start. “I’ll take a side salad with Ranch dressing. Small one. The smallest you have.” I close my menu and hand it to her, looking anywhere but my dad’s wandering eyes.
“And for you, handsome?” the waitress asks Linc.
“Yes, I’ll have the double cheeseburger, two orders of fries. Can I get a side of onion— ouch!” Linc yelps. He looks at me like what the hell, but I look at him like what the hell. We had a deal. Order light. Quick. He’s on the fast track to ordering the whole damn menu. “Sorry, my sister has muscle spasms.” The waitress smiles, while my dad now looks overly concerned. “As I was saying, those onion rings look delicious. And can you bring me out any type of pie or sundae you have? I’m a growing boy.” He winks at her as she blushes like a hussy. I roll my eyes because he is seriously ridiculous sometimes.
She takes my dad’s order last—he orders a club sandwich—then leaves us to another round of awkward silence.
“So how have you—”
“I’m pregnant.” I also have fucking Tourette’s it seems. What the fuck, Andie!? I wasn’t even sure I was going to tell him, yet I spit it out the first chance the floor was open.
“You’re what?”
“Pregnant.” I choose not to look at my dad. I don’t want to see his judgment.
“Wow. That’s great. Are you…”
“What, keeping it? Yeah, Dad, I am. I don’t plan on being like you and turning my back on my child.”
Linc kicks me under the table, but it doesn’t faze me. I’ve now locked eyes with my dad.
He looks pained. “Kiddo, I wasn’t going to say—”
“Stop calling me kiddo. I’m not a child. And you have no idea about me as one, because you weren’t around for it.”
He opens his mouth to argue but shuts it. I know I’m being hateful, but I can’t help it. I live with the hate and hurt every single day. And no matter how much I try, I can’t forgive and I can’t forget.
“Andrea, please…” he starts, but stalls to get his bearings. Linc grabs my hand under the table, because he knows me well enough lately to know the tears are threateningly close. “I can’t take back my choices. I know that. But I want to try and fix them. I want to get to know you and spend time with you. I just want to try and be your dad.”
He ran himself ragged trying to be my friend, parent, anything to allow me to let him in. When I came back to live with him, I shut down. I didn’t speak to his new wife or sit at their family dinners. I kept to myself and counted down the days until I turned eighteen and could leave. It was Linc who helped me manage. He was just as pissed off about having a step dad and being forced to smile and share conversation over meatloaf. We just got each other.
He made it tolerable.
I guess we both did that for each other.
“I’m not asking you to be my dad. You can’t make up for what you lost.”
Feeling the emotions rise between us, Linc steps in. “So Andie over here locked herself into a great job, didn’t ya, sister? Works as an executive assistant to the CEO of a marketing firm.”
My dad’s eyebrows raise. “Wow, that’s wonderful. When did you leave the bank?”
With no filter, I say, “I got fired. Told my boss off. Then went to the firm because the father of this baby owns it. Told him off. And he gave me a job.” In a nutshell, right?
My dad’s surprised expression doesn’t shock me. I probably could have sugarcoated that story.
“Wow. And the father. Are you two a couple? Planning on getting married?”
The air thickens at his question. Quite ironic question, if you ask me.
“Well, Dad, you see he probably wants to. Loves this baby and probably loves me. But you know where the problem is? I don’t trust men. I don’t trust them to stay in their marriage and fight. To stay and be a parent to their child. And because of that I refuse marriage. Why would I set myself up for the same life my mom endured?” The tears have begun to fall. Linc tries to grab my hand, but I push his away. He opened the door for this conversation, he is finally going to hear me roar.
“Do you know how much I fear one day I will wake up and Roman will be gone? That I’ll find a letter telling me he didn’t sign up for this? I’m afraid to put all my eggs in one basket, just like Mom, and love him. I’m afraid to trust in him for us to become a family. Because what if he breaks me? Do you know how it feels to always fear l
etting someone in because I’m too damn afraid they will just let me down like you did Mom?”
“Andrea—”
“No, you don’t get to Andrea me! You left me! How did you think that would affect me? Mom? I live with your choices every single day! The insecurities, the loneliness, the sadness because I watched my mother, your wife, die of a broken heart. How do I get over that?”
My voice has risen, causing a few patrons to look our way. I take a deep breath, needing to calm down. I know it’s not good for the baby for me to get upset. I take a good look at my dad and speak, “How do I forgive myself for turning away all the great things in my life because I am so damaged by your choices?”
I drop my head into my hands and cry. I’ve been wanting to ask those heavy questions every time something great has come into my life and I turn away from it. I want to yell and cry that I am sick of holding the burden of what he did to us. I want to be free of his wrongdoings and live my life. I want to say yes to Roman on every account. I want to be able to fully trust him. I want to open my heart and tell him all these feelings that keep me awake at night.
But I can’t.
And for that, I will ruin us.
“Andrea.”
“Don’t.” I’ve had enough. I knew this was a bad idea. I knew with how emotional I’ve been, that this lunch would turn into a disaster. I push my chair out to leave when his voice stops me.
“I live every single day with regret. And I will never be able to take back that decision.”
I lift my eyes to connect with his, and I notice the unshed tears.
“I won’t apologize. Because I know it means nothing. It won’t fix what I did to you and your mom. I will die hating myself. And I know that means nothing to you, but I’m paying for my sins.”
He brings his hand cautiously to mine, placing his large palm over my hand.
“Don’t revolve your life around a decision I made. This man? He is not me. He isn’t a coward. You deserve happiness, Andrea. Don’t take that away from yourself. From your child. Please, continue to hate me, because I deserve it. But don’t turn your heart away if this man loves you.”
My vision is blurry with tears. Linc clutches my other hand for support.
“I hate you,” I respond, because there is a part of me that always will.
“And you should, kiddo.”
His honesty is like a storm rushing through me. My thoughts, wants, dreams—they all start pouring out of my mouth. I struggle to keep up with each one as I sob.
“I just wanted a dad. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted you to love me. But you didn’t. You left. I’m having this baby, and I have no parents to share it with. I miss Mom. She won’t get to see her grandbaby, ever. I just want what every other person has. To have parents. I just want you to be there for me.” I can hardly catch my breath.
Linc is cooing me to calm down. I don’t realize it, but my dad has gotten up from his seat and kneels to the side of me.
“I am your dad. You’re my blood. And aside from my cowardly mistakes, I want to be here for you every step of the way. I don’t expect you to forgive me. But let me try. Let me be a part of your life. This child’s life. Let me meet your boyfriend. Let me love you.”
We are both crying. Most likely causing a scene. I turn to my dad, and within seconds, I am throwing myself into his arms. He hugs me tight, a parental closeness in our embrace.
“I love you, Andrea.”
“I… I… I love you too, Dad.”
“You okay?” Linc asks as we drive back to the office.
“Yeah. Fine. Emotionally drained, I guess, but I feel okay.” That was not how I thought lunch would go. I never expected such words to be exchanged.
“You sure? I don’t need you going back home all upset and giving your boyfriend another reason to want to kill me.”
At that, I laugh. I’m sure Roman is worried about the state I will return in. I’m not normally, as he would say, calm whenever I speak of my dad.
The rest of lunch went a lot smoother. I have to admit, as deep as it got, it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I never allowed my dad to explain why he did what he did. But honestly, he never truly tried. I was so closed off when I was younger and he had no idea how to handle me, or the pain and anger that I was holding in. It all resulted in everything just getting shoved under the rug.
But today we both had a lot to say. And in some way, I felt a little bit closer to being able to forgive. I also thought about my mom up in heaven and I could see her smiling, looking down on us.
It was a blessing Linc ordered all that food because I didn’t even touch my salad. I guess he’s caught on to my unusual eating habits and allowed me to eat half his burger, fries, and dominate the sundae.
The rest of the conversation was light. We talked about my job, the baby. Roman.
Linc jumped in with a few details of his goings ons, but he kept it short, which had me setting a mental reminder to dig into him later about it. Something is going on with him, and he isn’t sharing. Not with me, at least.
We left with a verbal commitment to make plans for Dad to come visit me before the baby is born. He seemed really eager to meet Roman, and a small part of me was excited as well. I think he would like him.
We’re almost back into town when I begin to yawn.
“Oh shit, you need me to drive?”
“Nah, I’m good. We’re almost there.” Another deep yawn escapes.
“Dude, I’ve seen you go down in seconds. Sitting at your desk typing, then face planted into your keyboard. Pull over, you’re not killing me today.”
I laugh and slap him on the shoulder.
I go to switch lanes because the car behind me is starting to ride my ass.
“You just want to drive so you can say you did something rebellious today. Do you even have your license…”
I fade off as I notice the same car change lanes with me, still driving too close to me. I speed up a little, not wanting to go too fast. I am carrying precious cargo here.
“In a hurry now? You are going to fall asleep!” He laughs. “Seriously I can drive, it’s no big—”
He gets cut off as our car jolts forward. I scream as I try to keep the car on the road after getting hit by the car driving behind us.
“What the fuck?” Linc grunts, twisting to look in the back mirror. I try and get a look at the driver, but my hands have begun shaking, and I don’t want to lose control of the steering wheel.
“Andie, get in the other lane. NOW!”
I nod quickly, doing as I’m told. I look in the mirror and the car follows us.
“What the fuck is this guy doing?”
I try switching into the right lane, which puts one vehicle in between us.
“That asshole just hit us. And I think on purpose!” Linc pulls out his phone, trying to take a picture of the car’s license plate. As I do my best to drive, breathe, and focus on who the fuck is driving, I finally get a good look.
Fuck.
“Frank,” I gasp, trying to pass another car.
“Who? You know that fucking guy?” He looks from me back to the car. He’s behind us again.
“Fuck, Andie pull over. Get away from this guy!”
“I’m trying!” I snap back. I try and speed up, but he is so close. Frank veers left super-fast and speeds up. “Andie…” Linc warns.
Before I have a chance to figure out his next move, he swerves his car into my lane and slams on his breaks. Without thought, I scream.
Linc grabs the steering wheel and turns it right, throwing us onto the shoulder. Thankfully, I panic and release my foot from the gas.
“Brake!” Linc yells, and I snap back into action, slamming my foot on the brake, as the car fishtails, narrowly avoiding a pile of barrels.
“Who the FUCK is Frank?” he snaps at me, trying to catch his breath.
“He’s nobody.”
“Fucking nobody?” he roars. “Andie, he just tried ru
nning you off the fucking road!”
“Stop yelling at me! God. He’s an old employee at the bank. He’s a dick, and I kinda got him fired.”
Linc stares at me in disbelief. “What did you do?”
I huff, throwing my hands into my hair. “I called in a complaint. It was nothing.”
Linc leans back in his seat, his chest still heaving. “Clearly it was something.”
“Listen, I know. And I will deal with this. Don’t say anything to Roman.”
He turns to me, eyes wide. “You’re kidding me right? Some psycho just tried to run us off the road, and you want to keep this from your boyfriend?”
Yes.
Pretty much.
“Yes.”
Linc shakes his head, sitting forward. “Whatever you say, sis.”
He’s quiet the rest of the ride, his face in his phone. He better not be texting anyone about this. I’m hoping I didn’t really pee in my pants, and that it’s just sweat build up.
There was no doubt. That was Frank. And he just tried to run me off the road.
We get back to Holloway and Linc jumps out, seemingly upset.
I’d ask if he’s upset with me, but… I’m not gonna give him any reason to tell on me. The last thing I want is a lecture from Roman on how I can’t do blah, blah, blah, blah.
We go our separate ways, me to my desk, while I know he’s going to Reagan’s office. I’m sitting down safely in my cozy chair when my phone dings.
Dani: What happened?! OMG Reagan came in here freaking out! Is it true? Did Frank try to run you off the road? Why didn’t you answer your phone when I called?!
Me: Sorry…my phone was on vibrate. But yeah. It’s fine though. I’ll take care of it.
Reagan: I’m so glad you’re okay. I’m sorry, though. I may have spilled the beans to Dani.
Dani: Well Ram heard everything. He’s pulling Roman out of his meeting.
Reagan: And well Ram may have been there…
Dani: Oh no. Where are you?
Reagan: And he may have told my other brother.
Dani: Oh boy! Roman just went storming out of his meeting in the boardroom! You might want to hide.
Three seconds later, the door swings open and crashes against the wall.
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