“Mom, it’s too hard. I’ve loved Jules for as long as I can remember and I went all those years thinking I would never see her again only to have her leave again but this time on her terms. I thought I was ready to move on when I met Carrie and I tried, I really did but after being with Jules again I know that she’s the one I want to be with.”
“Honey, it looks like she made her choice and I’m sorry but it wasn’t you. You need to do the right thing here, for the baby’s sake.” I could always trust her to tell me like it is and I respected her for that.
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You can and you will. You’re a grown man now Noah. I raised you better than that.” I nodded in understanding. “Now when you go back to New York I want you to beg, plead, grovel, whatever you need to do to get back in good graces with the mother of my grandbaby, you understand?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Good.” She kissed my cheek and flitted around the kitchen. “I’m making chicken and dumplings for you. Go take your things to your room and get ready to come eat.”
I spent the rest of the trip mostly in my room staring out my window to Jules old window. I was torn but knew what I had to do. It was going to kill me.
Carrie
This is not going as planned. What’s taking him so long to come around? The bitch is out of the way and this bitch is ready to get her man. Look’s like I got them both by the Achilles heel.
“Everything’s going as planned.” The voice said.
“Excellent. Let’s just hope he takes the bait.”
I trailed my fingertips over my abdomen and disconnected from the call. My phone rang again it was Noah.
“Noah, is everything alright?” I asked sweetly.
“Fine, I just wanted to let you know I’m in Georgia for a couple days I’d like to see you when I get back. I was hoping to schedule an appointment with Melissa some time this week for an ultrasound.” I hated that bitch too.
“I already have a doctor and it’s too early to see anything yet anyway.”
“Okay. I’ll see you in a few days then.”
“Be safe Noah.”
“Bye Carrie.” He sounded sad but I wasn’t going to let that knock me off my pedestal. I finally had Noah Sinclair exactly where I wanted him.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Over & Over
Jules
“We have to make this look convincing as possible.” I said to Chase, my heart breaking more with each step.
I had been talking to Ellie at least a couple times of week since our arrival here. She told me that Noah had been doing nothing but moping around since I left, he was even ignoring Jackson. I needed him to do the right thing, so Chase and I formulated a plan to push him in the right direction.
We had been hiding out at his grandfather’s cabin in rural North Carolina since we left New York. The circumstances weren’t the greatest, but we were making the best of it. Chase reminded me of all the reasons I loved him in the first place. He was so loyal and protective. I was thankful for everything he had helped me through this past month. Though, we slept in the same bed every night we maintained a strict friendship only relationship. Mostly because we were in a tiny one-bedroom cabin but I couldn’t deny that I fact that I enjoyed the comfort and security it brought. I knew I was asking him to cross the line today. I worried it would ignite old feelings, but I wasn’t ready to put Noah behind me yet. I was still grieving him; I would probably grieve him for the rest of my life. Though Noah and I had only been back together for a short time, it was as if no time had passed between us at all. We were made for each other, but I loved him enough to want what was best for him even if it was killing me.
Chase led me down to the dock where he set up our photo-op. I took a deep breath and sat on the blanket. I had my Trac-phone in hand my right hand and his grandmother’s ring on my left hand. We leaned back and kissed as I hit the camera button making sure that the ring was in the picture. I looked at the picture, it looked very convincing, so I sat up and quickly pressed send. Ellie had been sure to place her phone where Jackson would see it. Jackson being the drama king he was would make sure Noah saw it. I just hoped it would be the ammunition that he needed to go back to Carrie. I don’t think he knows how much he wants this. I know this marks the end of the Noah and Jules saga but my hearts already broken so at this point I just wanted to make sure that at least one of us makes it out with a happily ever after.
As soon as it was delivered I slid the ring off my finger and handed it back to Chase.
“It looked good there. Maybe someday you’ll let me put it there for real.” He smiled. He was trying to make it sound like a joke, but I wasn’t buying it. I slid Noah’s promise ring back onto my finger and headed back to the cabin. I knew I was about to have a moment and just wanted to be alone.
As soon as I walked into the bedroom I closed the door behind me. I slid into bed and broke into tears.
I was grateful for what Chase had done and kept doing for me, but I was starting to feel crowded. He kept pushing for more and it wasn’t fair to keep stringing him along.
I spent the afternoon crying on and off. Chase came in a little while later and offered me his shoulder, I guiltily accepted.
“What can I do to make you love me like that Jules? I would do anything. I love you so much, I wish you could see that.” Chase pleaded.
“Chase, you know you can’t help who you love. It just happens. I do love you but just not like that, not anymore. I’m sorry. You’re an amazing man Chase Mitchell but I’m not sure I’ll ever find another Noah.” I slid out from next to him and slid my sneakers on so I could take a walk around the lake to clear my head. I felt bad that Chase’s helping me was hurting him. I needed to find another alternative.
Two more weeks had gone by. Ellie had texted me saying that Noah was trying to spend more time with Carrie. I was both pleased and devastated. Chase continued his efforts to win me over. I could tell they were starting to wear me down so when I told him I was thinking about leaving and he went into an absolute panic. He said there was nothing left for me at home and all of my suffering would be in vein if I went back now. I knew he was right but I couldn’t think of where else I could possibly go. I went to lie down in the bedroom and I started asking myself why me? Why did I always get handed a shit hand? I knew I needed to really get away and being with Chase was just making it more difficult. I turned on my real phone for the first time in over a month and a half and scrolled to a number I haven’t used in three years. My dad.
My message indicator continually blinked throughout our brief conversation. They were all from Noah there was one a day for the first month and some sporadic ones over the last few weeks. They ranged from I love you and I miss you, to desperate pleas for me to come home and work things out.
“The ticket will be at the kiosk. I’ll have Harry come collect you from the airport. I’m glad you called Juju.” With that I hung up and headed out to tell Chase I was leaving.
“Chase, we need to talk.” I said looking at him watching a documentary. He looked content. I hated myself even more.
“What’s up?” He put his hand out and pulled me so I was sitting his lap. I rubbed my hand on his cheek.
“I’m leaving.” I told him as I hugged him and thanked him for everything.
“You can’t leave. Please don’t leave me.” He pleaded. “I love you Jules. You’re my Noah.” When he said that it tugged at my heart because that’s the kind of love that doesn’t just go away. I knew. A single tear fell from his cheek.
“I’m sorry, Chase.” I stood up and went to pack. My phone chimed and I realized I forgot to turn it back off. Of course it was from Noah.
A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face. A thousand lies have made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same. But all the miles disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face. I’m here without baby. But you’re still with me in my dreams.
I know where you are now. I’m not going to chase you. I’ll see you in my dreams tonight. I’ll love you forever. Noah.
Noah
Jackson and I were sitting in his kitchen and Ellie had just arrived. The two of them were so in love it was sickening. They were going to end up together whether they wanted to admit it or not. Jackson grudgingly allowed Carrie to come over for a little while but she quickly ducked out as soon as Ellie showed up. I knew she wasn’t Ellie’s number one fan and Ellie was most certainly not hers, but I couldn’t understand why Carrie refused to be in the same room as her. Ellie at least made an effort to be cordial towards her.
“Noah, how many weeks is Carrie now?” Ellie asked.
“Eighteen almost nineteen. Why?” I could tell that this wasn’t an out of the blue question.
“Because that’s how far along Jules was when she lost the baby. She had a pretty good bump by then, Carrie doesn’t have one at all.”
“Carrie said some people carry differently than others.” I said quickly, almost defensive.
“Chill bro, it was just a statement.” Jackson snapped. I knew I was being a super asshole ever since my phone finder app alerted me to Jules’ whereabouts last week. I was not happy to find out that she was staying with Chase. I knew I was in denial. She left with him and they were supposedly engaged now, but I wanted to drive down there and bring her home. Jackson grudgingly reminded me of my place now, and it wasn’t with Jules. Ever since my trip back home I’d really been trying to work things out with Carrie. I even went as far as recently re-proposing to her, so we could get married before the baby’s arrival. She of course was over the moon, but made a snarky remark about the ring. The same ring I gave her the last time. I brushed it off. I was willing to do anything at this point for my, our, baby. I’d suffer the rest of my life with her if it meant that I could be with my son or daughter.
“Sorry.” I apologized.
“I just think the whole thing is weird. She refuses to see Melissa, one of the best OB’s in the city and every time she has an ‘appointment’ (she air quoted) she miraculously forgets to tell you. We have yet to see an ultrasound picture too. Jules had one at twelve weeks Noah.” Her name was like a taser to my system every time I heard it. I’ve never heard Ellie talk about the baby in detail before. I knew she was around during the whole pregnancy but she never talked about it until now.
“What do you want me to tell you?” I snapped, again.
“Have you been sleeping together again?” Ellie snapped back.
“No. I can’t.” I stammered. I didn’t even see Carrie like that anymore. How was I supposed to marry someone I didn’t even want to kiss?
“So you haven’t seen her naked? I’m just saying this doesn’t make much sense Noah. I’m just trying to protect you, so stop being an asshole to me!” She turned and went to the living room. She pulled out her phone and started texting. I wondered if she was texting Jules and I was jealous.
“Ellie has a point man.” Jackson started. “I mean she’s rushing to get you back to alter and some things are definitely off now that Ellie brought that stuff up. Just be careful.” Jackson reiterated and patted me on the shoulder.
“I’ll see you guys later.” I stood and headed to the parking garage.
I thought about how I re-proposed last week. She already mailed the wedding invitations out for our wedding that was supposed to take place in two weeks. Two weeks! She said she didn’t want to be too big to fit in her dress, which made sense. Then the more I thought about it she wasn’t big at all. I pushed that thought aside and headed home. I ordered in and decided to call Melissa; she would know the answers. We had been talking a lot because of my first time dad questions.
“Hello, Noah.” She answered on the third ring.
“Hey Melissa. Do you have a minute?” I asked.
“Sure, give me a minute to close the door.” She paused. “Alright, shoot.”
“I was with Jackson and Ellie before, they brought up a couple things that I wanted to talk to you about.”
“I’m all ears.”
“Ellie said that when Jules was pregnant she had a ultrasound at twelve weeks. Is that normal?”
“Yes, usually around then to check the baby’s development. In most cases we usually do one even earlier to pin point an accurate due date. They’re usually done at twelve weeks, twenty weeks and then at least another two before delivery to track development and to make sure there aren’t any issues. Carrie has had one, right?”
“Not that I know of. I haven’t seen any ultrasound pictures and she hasn’t mentioned one.”
“Well, she should have her twenty week check up in a little over two weeks. That’s when you can find out the gender, but she should have had one already.” I took a deep breath and processed the information. My hand was starting to tremble. Two weeks…
“She’s also not really showing at all.”
“That could be something to worry about but all women carry differently and some don’t really show until they are five or six months especially the first time around. Do you know who her attending is? I’ve asked her a couple times but she out right ignores me.”
“I think it’s Luanne Garba, I’m not sure.” I ran my hands through my hair and for the first time in months I truly felt uncertain.
“Listen I’ll see what I can find out for you. She’s affiliated with the same hospital as me so the next time I am there for a delivery I’ll see if I can’t pull her records. You cannot breathe a word to anyone about this. I could lose my license because of that Noah.” She said sternly.
“I’d really appreciate that Melissa. Thank you.” I said sincerely.
“Anytime. I’ll be in touch.” She disconnected the call and I walked to my end table. I picked up Jules’ note and held it between my fingers. I’d never forget her. As I was eating my dinner a text popped up. My heart went into overdrive when I saw the sender. Jules.
I miss you too. Just so you know, there's a space that only you can fill. Just so you know, I loved you then, I guess I always will. We both need to move on now. Be happy Noah.
My heart jumped into my throat.
I don’t know how to be happy without you. I’ve tried. It’s just so fucking hard! You ruined me. I love YOU! I replied.
Nobody said it would be easy, but you’ll figure it out. Take care Noah.
My life had been turned upside down yet again when Melissa called me two days before the wedding was supposed to take place and asked me to meet her for lunch. She apologized for not getting back to me sooner. She said she had been really busy and hadn’t had a chance to get into the system. I told her I could meet her in forty minutes and she said that worked for her. When I saw her at the restaurant she looked like she was a celebrity hiding from the paparazzi. She slid over so I could slip into the booth next to her. She ordered me a double Jack and I knew it wasn’t good news.
“Noah.” She said placing her hand on mine. “I looked up her records yesterday and there is nothing other than a normal check up three months ago. They even ran blood and urine screens. Even if she were only a couple of weeks the blood work would have picked it up. She’s not pregnant Noah.” I felt betrayed, like I’d been the asshole, the brunt of some sick joke. I was going to pass out, or throw up, or throw something.
Melissa pushed the shot in front of me and I downed it quickly. I knew I needed to confront Carrie. My mind went to Jules and how she was the only one that could probably save me from this darkness. I thanked Melissa and headed out on a mission. I made a couple phone calls and decided that revenge is a dish best served cold.
She wanted to make a joke out of me I’d do her one better.
Jules
I’d been in England a little over two weeks now. I was enjoying getting to know my younger brother Harry. I pretty much avoided my dad because even though he allowed me to come here it turns out zebras don’t change their stripes. We tried talking a few times, but things were just too
far-gone and there was too much hurt for us to have a real relationship. Harry on the other hand was a great kid. He helped me keep my mind off of things at home. It was weird at first because he’s eighteen and we had never met before, but we bonded quickly. His mom, Meredith, seemed nice enough but I hadn’t spent much time with her either. I had a small loft to myself that had a private entrance, which I was eternally grateful for. No one other than my dad knew where I had taken off to, not even Ellie.
“So tell me about the States.” Harry asked.
“What do you want to know?” I laughed. He was an inquisitive little bugger.
“What are your mates like? What did you do for fun? Stuff like that.” He said in his adorable British accent.
“Well, my best friend back home is Ellie and she’s awesome. We live together in a little house outside New York City and we worked together. She’s really funny. We met at boarding school when I was sixteen and have been best friends ever since.”
“What did you do for work?” How was I supposed to answer that?
“Um, I, um… I danced.” I stuttered.
“Like ballet?”
“Something like that.” I smiled.
“What about your other friends? Dad said something about some guy and that’s the reason you were coming here.”
“That would be Noah, he was my best friend growing up. My mom is not like your mom. She’s not very nice. She’s vindictive and likes things to go her way. When I was sixteen she forced me to move with her and her new boyfriend to New York so Noah and I were separated. But, we found each other again not too long ago and had a whirlwind romance. Some things happened and here I am.” I tried to muster some enthusiasm.
“He didn’t hurt you did he? I’ll kill him if he did.” It was so adorable how he stuck up for me. Though, he could probably defend me if necessary, he was a big kid. He was into boxing and wrestling. He was also on a rugby team and I’d even gone to a couple of his games since my arrival.
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