More Than One: A Novel

by Fowler, Monica

  “I would, but I have so much homework I need to catch up on and I’m scared if I don’t get started right now, I’ll never do it.”

  “Oh, okay, you want me to bring you something back?”

  “If you don’t mind, where are you going?”

  “I don’t know yet, but I can call you and let you know where I stop.”

  “Sounds good to me. Thanks.”

  “Oh, and my mom wants me to visit this weekend and I wanted to see if you would come, too.”

  “I don’t have any plans other than hanging out with Derrick, but I can do that any time. I haven’t seen your parents in a while, it would be great. Do you plan on telling them about the dreams?”

  “I haven’t decided yet, I’ll know if I should when I see them.”

  “I think you should, but that’s up to you.”

  “I’ll give it a lot of thought,” I said grabbing my keys, “I’ll be back.”

  “Okay, be safe,” she said.

  I didn’t respond, I just nodded and headed for the door. I walked out of the room and stood there in a daze. I really hadn’t thought about what I would say to my parents. They are reasonable people, but I still wasn’t sure how to tell them about this.

  Once on the street, I started scanning places to eat. Nothing caught my attention. I stopped at the stoplight and was looking forward when I saw the dark S.U.V. on the other side across from me. When the truck passed, I saw my mystery guy behind the wheel.

  He smiled as he went by and I stopped short. Was this the same S.U.V. I thought was following me a while back? I doubt if he was so into me that he would stoop to stalking. But he was real, I didn’t imagine him and the thought tickled me.

  He was gorgeous, just like he was the first time I saw him. I was so caught up in my own fantasy, that it startled me when the car behind me honked the horn for me to go. I pressed the gas hard and zoomed across the street.

  After grabbing our food, I hurried back to the dorm. As usual, Rech was eyeballing me.

  “What are you grinning about?” she asked.

  “I was thinking about my mystery guy,” I lied.

  “Who is this mystery guy?”

  “You remember the guy we saw at the Junction a while back?”

  “Um, yeah I guess. So why were you thinking about him?”

  “Well, I saw him today on the way to get the food.”

  “Wow, okay, and then what happened?”

  “That’s it. I mean what else was I supposed to do, flag him down and make him stop?”

  “Uh, yeah. Your love life is about as exciting as me having a conversation with my grandmother about her sewing circle. I just want you to get some kind of groove going.”

  “Excuse me? My groove is just fine, thank you very much. You know I’m not that forward anyway.”

  “I know. I have to be forward for you. If we see him again, you’re going to talk to him.”

  “Whatever,” I replied.

  “You need this more than you know,” she said.

  I ignored her and sat down on my bed to eat. I did want to see him again, and it would be nice to have some type of relationship outside of my friends. My main fear was thinking I wasn’t ready for anything new. With everything that was going on, I didn’t want to over exert myself with trying to hide my crazy from someone who didn’t know me.

  I hadn’t touched my salad while I was thinking and I felt Rach looking at me. I started to poke at my food even though my appetite was gone.

  I finally finished my salad and put the remains in the trash. I started getting ready for work since I had to go in early.

  When I came out of the bathroom, I heard my cell phone ringing. I grabbed it and noticed it was Ash. I was immediately excited. I hadn’t talked to him in a while because we’ve both been so busy.

  “Hey Ash, how are you?” I said.

  “I’m good. How have you been? It seems like I’ve been seeing more of Rach than you lately.”

  “I know, I was just thinking that. I’ve been so swamped at work and of course school. I’m headed to work right now.”

  “What time do you get off?” he asked.

  “I’ll probably get out of there around ten thirty.”

  “You want to stop by here after you get off?”

  “Sure, I’ll call you when I leave work.”

  “Cool, see you tonight.”

  I hung up the phone with a smile on my face and I didn’t know why.

  “So, what’s this grin about?” Rach asked.

  “Nothing, I just haven’t talked to Ash in a while and it was nice to hear from him.”

  “Uh huh,” she said with one eyebrow raised, “Okay.”

  I threw one of my pillows at her and she caught it.

  “You suck, you know that,” I said.

  After a minute, she finally went back to reading. I grabbed some random clothes from my closet when I realized I was going to be late for work. I threw my outfit on and grabbed my keys to head out the door. Rach stopped me.

  “Hey, tell Ash I said hello and don’t stay out too late,” she smiled.

  “Okay, I won’t. See you later mom.”

  I walked out of the room and tried to prepare myself for a boring day at work.

  Work went by fast and I was glad to close down the store and see Ash.

  I got in my car and pulled out my phone to call him, but before I could dial the number, he was calling me.

  “Hey, are you off work yet?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I was just about to call you. I’m on my way to you now.”

  “Awesome. I’m leaving the door unlocked, so just come in when you get here.”

  “Okay.”

  The streets seemed quiet as I drove to Ash’s place. He had a condo downtown, compliments of his parents.

  I loved the view of the city from his balcony. His place gave new meaning to the phrase bachelor pad. He only had the bare essentials with a couple of extras that I could only believe his mother contributed to. Although it was simple, the place was still nice.

  I went to the door and waited for the doorman to buzz me in. I’m here a lot, so they remember me. I never have to sign in. I guess I’m on a permanent guest list.

  I got to the elevator and pushed the button for the 32nd floor. Once on his floor, I started to walk slowly to his door. I don’t know what made me slow down. For some reason, I didn’t want him to think I was too anxious to see him.

  I got to the door and opened it. The lights were all on and so was the television. The stereo was blasting while the television was muted. I walked to the bar area and put down my things.

  “Ash,” I called out while taking a seat on the couch.

  “I’ll be out in a minute,” he yelled back.

  Ash came around the corner and I caught a glimpse of his abs before he slipped a shirt on. Wow, I thought. He has been working out and he looks great. My cheeks started burning so I quickly looked away.

  “Give me a hug. It feels like I haven’t seen you in ages,” he said.

  I stood up and he squeezed me in a bear hug.

  “It hasn’t been that long, but I have missed hanging out with you,” I said while we were still engrossed in our embrace.

  He finally let me go and we sat down on the couch.

  “You want anything to eat or drink? I actually went grocery shopping today.” He grinned, obviously pleased with himself.

  “Good job, I’m proud of you,” I teased, “What do you have?”

  “What do you want?”

  “Um, I could go for some chips and some sweet tea, if you have it.”

  “Coming right up.”

  He got up to go to the kitchen and I immediately got up and followed him.

  “So, what’s been up with you lately?” he said, “Anything new going on?”

  I flushed out all the bad stuff and focused on only the positive things. Sadly, there wasn’t much to talk about.

  “Well, Rach and I are going to see my parents this
weekend. My mom has been missing me and the feeling is mutual.”

  “I didn’t get invited. I’m hurt,” he said.

  “I’m sorry Ash, I didn’t think you would want to go to Kansas and be bored with my parents. You know you’re always welcome to come.”

  “So, Rach likes going to Kansas and being bored with your family?”

  “Well, I don’t know, I haven’t asked, but she wanted to get away for a couple of days and that’s why I asked her,” I lied.

  I felt bad for not telling him the real reason I asked Rach to go, but if I had, then I would have to tell him the whole story. I wasn’t ready to spill my guts to him about the dreams yet.

  “Do you want to go Ash? I really wasn’t trying to leave you out, I promise,” I asked.

  He smiled and walked over to the counter with a bowl of chips and a glass of tea.

  “No, I was just joking with you. I really can’t go anyway. I’m actually going to see my parents this weekend, too. Next time you decide to go home, I want to come with you. I’ve only met your parents once, but I know they loved me.”

  “Of course they did, who doesn’t?” I said. “So you’re going to see your parents this weekend, that’s good. When will I get a chance to meet them? They are still in New York, right”

  He made an uneasy look that I really wasn’t in the mood to comment on.

  “Yeah and you will see them soon, I promise,” he said.

  “You know I’ve never been to the Big Apple, so it would be awesome to go,” I said.

  “I know, you’ve mentioned that. We will definitely take a trip there when we can. I guess it would be nice for my parents to put a face to the name they hear all the time.”

  I looked away. The comment made me feel uneasy, so I quickly pushed it out of my mind.

  We walked back to the couch and I sat down, but Ash started turning most of the lights off and turned down the volume on the stereo. He returned to the couch and sat down close to me.

  “So, what else has been going on?” he asked.

  “Nothing really, you know I have a boring life. School has being crazy, but my grades are picking back up. Work is work, I had to do inventory today and I hated it. Imagine having to count every item in the store. It took forever.”

  “That sucks. At least you don’t have to do it every day.”

  “Yeah, I know. I think I would actually quit if I did have to.”

  After I finished my chips, I placed the bowl on the table, then settled back on the couch and continued talking. Ash grabbed my legs and put them in his lap. This is how Ash and I were with each other, intertwined in some kind of way. This was our thing and it was comfortable for us that way.

  The conversation went on and I noticed Ash had leaned over and was playing in my hair and watching me intently, hanging on to my every word. I wasn’t alarmed by this because we are close, but normally I wouldn’t notice it at all. The fact that I was aware of it, made me think about my feelings toward him. It felt like things were starting to change between us and I didn’t want them to.

  I squirmed around in the seat for a minute trying to think of a way to escape for a few moments.

  “I have to use the restroom. I’ll be right back,” I said.

  “Okay,” he said.

  I went to the restroom and looked in the mirror. I never thought I’d have feelings for Ash like this, or in a place in my life that I would even question any action from him. He is such a sweet guy and I know he has some type of feelings for me.

  This was crazy, I was over thinking things again. Ash was my best friend and I know he wouldn’t compromise that. Still, I wanted to leave, there was too much pressure being here.

  I flushed the toilet so he would think I used the restroom for real. I turned on the faucet and stuck my hands under the running water. I dried my hands and opened the door and Ash was standing there.

  “Before you try to leave, I want to talk to you,” he said.

  He grabbed my hand and led me back to the couch. I was surprised that he caught onto my actions so quickly. It must have been written all over my face. My insides started to panic. I didn’t want to have this conversation yet. Not until I had a chance to at least think it over and weigh the options.

  He looked at me with worry in his eyes.

  “What do you mean, I wasn’t leaving,” I lied in a shaky voice.

  He raised one eyebrow. I knew he didn’t believe me. This is the one time that I hated he knew me so well.

  “Okay, whatever. I really need to get some things off my chest and seeing how you’re so busy, I feel I won’t get another chance like this,” he said and blew out a long deep breath.

  “Wait Ash, before you say anything,” I started, but he cut me off.

  “No, Jamie let me do this now, while I have the nerve. I promise whatever you say after this won’t change anything between us. Well, unless you want it to.”

  I settled back into the couch, arms folded over my chest, waiting for him to speak. I can deal with this, I thought. Whatever he says won’t change our friendship.

  “We’ve known each other for over two years now and you know I would do anything for you. You are more than a best friend to me. Sometimes I feel like you and Rach are all I’ve got, but my feelings for you are stronger than you can imagine. Ever since I met you under that oak tree, I fell in love. I didn’t want to push you though. I figured being your friend was better than nothing.” He looked away and was nervously rubbing his hands together.

  “Why do you think I’ve stayed single? I didn’t want you to think there was someone else ever; it’s only you. Like I said before, it doesn’t change anything if you don’t feel the same way. I just needed to tell you,” he finished.

  He turned back to look at me. I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t want him to think I had no response to what he just confessed to me.

  “Well, Ash, I really appreciate you being open and honest. And maybe all along I kinda knew you had feelings for me, but I didn’t know it was of this magnitude. I have to admit that lately I have been looking and thinking of you differently, but I still don’t know how to process these feelings. It’s not you though, it’s me. I’m going through a lot right now. Maybe when I deal with the extra stuff and put them behind me, we can have this conversation again and see where it goes from there.” I said, hoping that I let him down easy enough.

  “That’s fair,” he said with a huge smile on his face. “As long as you’re thinking about it.”

  He jumped over and gave me a hug. He held on longer than I expected.

  I looked at my watch and it was close to one in the morning.

  “I have to go, I have an early class in the morning,” I said.

  “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then. Thanks for stopping by, I’ve really missed you.”

  “Yeah, me too. I hate not seeing you and knowing how you are.”

  “Okay, be safe and text me and let me know you made it home.”

  “Sure,” I said grabbing my things.

  Once outside, I could breathe and take everything in. I was kind of glad everything was out in the open. I knew our friendship wouldn’t change and the thought was comforting.

  I got back to the room and Rach was asleep on top of her cover, books still on the bed. I moved the books to her nightstand and found a quilt to put over her.

  I decided to take a shower in the morning since I was so tired. I grabbed some pajamas and threw them on. After I texted Ash, I turned all the lights out and got into bed.

  It was dark in the dream. I could see the back of the bar, but there wasn’t much light. I looked up and the door to the back of the building flung open. It looked like one of the workers was taking out the trash.

  “Hey honey, you know it’s not safe for you to be back here all alone. Why don’t you get inside,” the man said.

  “I need some help with my car and I don’t see anyone else around. Can you take a look at it for me,” I said.

  “I’
m no mechanic, but I’ll try to see what’s wrong with it. Let me finish getting this trash out first,” he said.

  “Thanks.”

  I paused, eyes searching for any witnesses. It felt like my blood was boiling underneath my skin, I was so anxious.

  I didn’t feel like chasing anyone tonight, I wanted him to come to me. This would be so easy, I thought. My knife was on the inside of my pants. I felt the coldness of the blade on my thigh. I pulled it up some and carefully walked toward the wall of the building.

  “Okay, where is your car?” he asked after shutting the door.

  “Right around this corner,” I said pointing toward the front of the bar.

  He started walking in front of me, ranting about how this area wasn’t safe and how I should be more careful. I pulled the knife all the way out and continued after him. There was a pile of bricks on the side of the building, and it was almost like fate was willing me to end his life.

  Before he knew what was going on, I had one of the bricks in my hand. When he turned around, I smashed the brick against his head and his body crumbled to the ground.

  I threw the brick down and stood over his lifeless body. He wasn’t dead though, not yet. I turned him over and waited. I wanted him to be aware of what was going to happen to him.

  I squatted down as soon as I saw him stirring.

  “You should have been more careful,” I whispered close to his ear.

  I grabbed him by his hair and pulled him up. When he opened his eyes, the knife came down on his throat in a swift and pernicious motion.

  I dropped his head and he fell to the ground, eyes still open, hands around his throat. I laughed while wiping the blade on his pants, then walked away.

  I jumped up, sweating, searching around in the dark. I turned on my lamp and ran to the bathroom to throw up.

  After I brushed my teeth, I went back to my bed and pulled out my journal. I didn’t start writing at first. I couldn’t blink without the tears running down my face. I couldn’t stop them, nor did I want them to.

  This was going too far. I can’t take any more of this, but I still had no clue on how to stop it.

  I flipped through the pages of my journal and cried even harder when I noticed how full the book was getting. My head started pounding. The thought of turning on the television tomorrow and seeing a report on the man I just killed in my dreams made me sick again and I ran back to the bathroom.