I was excited to repeat the recap to her. I never get to tell her about good stuff. I knew she had to be tired of hearing about my dreams, but she always reluctantly asked about them anyway.
“I guess you're not having the dreams anymore. That's good,” she said.
“Actually, it’s still the same. Well, I haven't had any dreams about murder, but the darkness is still there and the dreams of being hypnotized. And then the dreams of the pain are coming more often.”
“So, why haven't you mentioned any of this to me?” she asked.
“Well, I hated telling you from the beginning and I could see how it was affecting you. I couldn't bear to make you suffer along with me anymore.”
“Come on Jamie, you know I don't have a problem sharing this burden with you. If you don't talk to anyone, how can you get this off your chest?”
“That's what I have the journal for. I have been documenting everything that takes place in my dreams as a way of venting the situation. It's okay though, don't worry about me, everything will be just fine.”
“Don't tell me not to worry about you. You know damn well I can't help but to worry. I would feel better if you at least talked to me about it. So, stop keeping things to yourself. I am always here for you and you know that.”
“I do know that, thanks,” I said giving her a hug.
I really didn't want to think about the nightmares today, but Rach was right. I didn't need to keep it all bottled up. I knew she could see what all this was doing to me and she was concerned. I just wanted to have a normal day for once, though.
“Well, hey, I am going to meet Derrick, so I guess I will see you later. Tell Ash I said hi and let him know he can call me if he needs me as well,” Rach said standing up to leave.
“I will. Have fun tonight.”
She left the room and I snuggled against my pillow thinking about Michael. Not long after, Ash popped in my head and I decided it was time to go see him. I grabbed my things and headed out the door.
I made it to Ash's place, went inside and greeted the doorman. I got on the elevator and when the doors closed, I thought about everything I wanted to say to Ash tonight. I wanted to tell him all the things that had happened to me and maybe he will be comfortable enough to tell me everything that was going on with him.
I knocked on the door and it was seconds later that he answered. I was a little early, but I didn't think he'd mind.
“Hey Jay,” he said hugging me. “Come on in and please excuse the mess.”
“Oh, please, you've seen our room looking way worse than this.”
We both laughed and I followed him to the living room and sat next to him on the couch. Once I saw him by the light, I could see the worry lines in his face. This wasn't the same Ash that Rach and I knew. This person was looking sickly and scared. He looked like he had lost weight and even stopped grooming himself the way he used to. Why hadn't I noticed this before?
“Ash, is everything okay with you? You don't look so good. Are you sick or something?” I asked.
“I've just been tired a lot lately, not really feeling like myself,” he said with his head down.
“Is there anything that I can do to help?”
He looked up at me, and he did look tired.
“You're doing it right now, just by being here,” he said.
He leaned back on the couch and covered his face with his hands. When he started talking again, it was hard to understand, everything was muffled.
“Huh?”
He moved his hands away from his mouth, but they were still covering his eyes.
“Do you mind if I cut this lamp off? The light is giving me a headache.”
“No, I don't mind,” I replied.
He reached over and touched the base of the lamp and it cut off. He leaned back on the couch once again and put his hands back on his face, leaving his mouth exposed this time.
“Tell me what's new with you. Fill me in on your life. I feel like I'm missing out.”
“Ash, are you sure you want to hear about my drama? I thought you needed to talk to me.”
“I do need to talk to you and that's what I am trying to do. I just haven't seen you in a while and like I said, I've been out of it most of the time. Now I'm trying to get back in the loop and on top of things.”
I could totally understand where he was coming from. When I got back from Kansas, it seemed like I was just existing in the dorm room and not living there. That was partly the reason why I hadn't kept up with what was going on with Ash.
“So tell me, what's new. How are things with you and Michael?” he asked.
The question completely caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting to jump right in and talk about that particular subject, but we were and this was seriously happening. He sat up and removed his hands from his face to look at me.
“Well, Ash, I don't exactly know how to answer that question yet. Things are really complicated.”
“How so?”
“I actually wanted to see how you felt about all this first,” I said.
“Why? You do like him, don't you?”
“Yeah, I do, but I didn't know how this was going to affect you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you or make you feel like I didn't care enough about your feelings to talk to you first.”
“Jamie, you're not making any sense. I know I told you that I was in love with you and true enough you didn't share the same feelings, but I'm not your father or anything. You have to make your own decisions. Whatever you decide, you know I will back you up one hundred percent. I mean, it hurts like hell to know you're with him, but if you're happy, then that's all that matters.”
I was more shocked at his answer than the fact that we were actually having this conversation. I didn't think this was going to be so easy. A part of me didn't want him to make it so simple. I don't know where that part of me came from, but it was gnawing away at me.
I sat there trying to think of something to say, but nothing came to me. All I could do was look at him. Ash. My best friend, Ash. It was so dim in his living room that he almost looked like his old self. The worry lines begin to disappear and I wondered if this is what had him torn all along.
He still didn't say anything. He just patiently waited while I sorted through my thoughts. I still had nothing to say. I had no words.
A couple of more minutes passed and he grabbed my legs and put them on his lap, like he always does when we’re hanging out, then pulled me closer to him.
“Maybe this will help you to relax and think. This is how we always are with each other, nothing is ever going to change that. I promise. I just really need to know how you feel,” he said with desperation in his voice.
“Okay, you're right. And this does help,” I said stretching my legs. “Well, I do like him. I like him a lot. I didn't mean for it to happen and I never thought it would so soon, but it has and it did. But the crazy thing is... I'm scared.”
“Scared for what? Has he done anything to frighten you?”
“Oh no, he’s a complete gentleman. That's not it.”
“Then what is it?” he said with concern in his voice.
“It's just that... well, it's been so long since I've felt this way and I'm worried that I'm going to mess this up.”
Ash looked away and I quickly replayed what I said in my head to see if I said anything out of line. Maybe the part about me “never feeling this way” struck a nerve. I wished I could take it back, but it was too late, it was already out there.
“Jamie, you’re an awesome girl, there is no way you could ever mess anything up. Don't sell yourself short. Michael is lucky to have you. I know I would be if it were me.”
“That is so sweet of you to say, but there is something I haven't told you about. There's a reason why I'm afraid I'll mess this up.”
He looked at me and I hesitated. I wasn't sure if this was the right time to tell him, but I wanted to be honest with him so he would be honest with me. I knew there was something goi
ng on with him that he wasn't telling me, but I didn't know any other way of making him comfortable enough to tell me.
Maybe this was a mistake. If he has a lot on his plate then I don't want to add any more. If I know Ash, he will try to take this on and put my needs before his. I didn't want that at all.
“So, what is it? What haven't you told me?” he asked.
“You know what, never mind. I actually want to hear about what's new with you. You have been so distant with me lately, I feel like we’re growing apart.”
“No Jay, you cannot change the subject like that. What were you about to tell me?”
“Honestly Ash, its nothing. I just spilled my guts to you about the new guy and you won't give me anything. You called me and said you needed to talk, but I've been doing all the talking. That's not fair.”
He blew out a long breath and then looked at me. The worry lines seem to have returned to his face. I have never seen him like this. My heart started pounding in my chest for fear of something ominous threatening him.
“What is it Ash, please tell me,” I pleaded.
“There is something that I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. I just don't know how to get it out.”
“You know you can tell me anything.”
“You don't get it... I'm afraid, too. I’m afraid that if you knew the truth, you wouldn't like me anymore.”
My heart started pounding even harder. What was this all about? So many thoughts ran through my head about what he was about to tell me.
“Now, you're not making sense. You know it doesn’t matter what you tell me, it won’t change how I feel about you. I love you and it would take a lot to make me feel otherwise.”
Ash sat there deep in thought and I would give anything to be a fly on the inside of his mind. I had a feeling that he wasn't going to tell me, and I didn't want to push. It looks like we were both keeping secrets from each other. How could I expect him to spill his guts and I didn't want to spill mine.
I leaned over and hugged him tight. He embraced me back with a vigorous hold and then began to cry. In the mist of everything that was happening, I began to cry, too. I hated to see him like this. It was breaking my heart. I began to rock with him and the sobs got louder.
I finally let go of him and lifted his face up to look into his eyes.
“It looks like we’re both having a hard time telling our secrets. So how about we make a promise to one another. We keep it in until we’re both ready to tell. And we don't let this night or any other night affect the feelings we have for one another. Is that a deal?”
He finally stopped crying and I embraced him with another hug. I really felt the need to comfort him. I just wanted to take all of his pain away.
“I love you so much, you have no idea. Thank you for coming over tonight. I really needed to see you,” he said.
“I love you, too. And you know that if you ever need me, I don't care what it is, I'm here for you. That is a promise.”
We sat in silence, wrapped in each others arms for a long time. I was so comfortable here with him. It was like it had always been with us. I really wished I knew what was going on with him, but like I promised, I wasn't going to let this affect us. I was just happy that we were starting to get back to how we were in the beginning. Nothing was going to change that.
Chapter Eleven
Over the next couple of weeks, Michael and I grew closer. It seemed as if I was becoming myself again. We have spent all of our free time together and it was always nice.
Although the dreams of pain were still coming, my happiness overpowered the numbness of it. I also decided not to obsess over the file I found at my parents house. I didn’t want to overload my brain. Being with him gave me an escape and I found it was easier to cope.
It was Friday, and after work, we were leaving, headed for Savannah. It was the Thanksgiving holiday break and we all decided to skip going home this year.
I got to the room and Rach was in the shower. The room looked like a tornado came through and hit it. Clothes were everywhere and I almost tripped on a pile of shoes that were in the middle of the floor.
Rach came out of the bathroom and her eyes immediately lit up.
“Ya, you're off work!” she said.
“Yeah and you need to hurry and get dressed so we can clean up this room before someone sees it. This is horrible.”
“I know. I was gonna get it when I got out of the shower. Just give me a second and I'll help,” she said throwing her clothes on.
“I'm so excited about this trip. This is going to be a great weekend.”
“I am too. I can't wait to get away from this campus,” Rach replied.
We rented a van for the trip, so all six of us could ride comfortably with our luggage. The drive was only four hours, but we still didn't want to be cramped in.
Of course, I invited Michael, Rach asked Derrick to come and we still weren't sure about the new girl Ash invited. I was just glad that he found someone to be with. After the long talk we had, things seemed to have changed for the better. We were getting close again and all was right with the world. For the first time, in a long time, we all had someone and we were happy.
“Are you packed and ready to go yet?” Rach asked.
“Almost. Is Derrick on the way?”
“Yeah, he'll be here in about twenty minutes. What about Michael?'
“About the same,” I answered.
We moved around the room quickly cleaning and making sure we didn't forget anything for our weekend getaway.
“Have you talked to Ash?” I asked.
“He called an hour ago, he should be here soon.”
“So, what do you think about this girl he's bringing? Have you met her yet?”
Rach turned to me. “No, I haven't met her, but from what Ash has told me, she's pretty cool. I don't think it's anything serious though. You know Ash.”
“I know, but I was just wondering.”
“I think you're just relieved,” she said.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked, shocked.
“Ash told me how he spilled his guts to you about his feelings; about how he was in love with you and you returned the gesture by dating Michael.”
My eyes were wide and my mouth dropped. I couldn't believe my ears. I thought that conversation was between Ash and me and now Rach was throwing it in my face. I thought we were passed that and moving on but, obviously, Ash was still hurt behind all this. Why didn't he just tell me the truth when we talked, instead of acting like he was being all noble and stepping aside for my happiness? I was furious and hurt at the same time.
“He said that? Rach, you know it’s not like that. It’s just...”
“Jamie, you don't have to explain anything to me,” she said cutting me off. “You can't control who has a crush on you. I told Ash it wasn't fair for him to think that just because he liked you, that you would feel the same way. He gets it. I mean, he doesn't like it, but he gets it.”
I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. I really felt horrible now. I thought that since we had the talk, everything was okay. Here I was flaunting Michael in front of him and all along, he was having a hard time with it. How could I have been so self-involved?
“Seriously Jay, he's going to be just fine. You know how many girls fall all over him and plus now he's hanging out with this Tiffany girl. He'll be over it in no time.”
“I know, but I still feel awful. I just overlooked his feelings and tended to my own, what kind of friend am I?”
“I know better than anyone else that you were headed for the deep end and Michael was your life saver. You can't beat yourself up for that and neither will Ash. There's no harm in wanting to be happy.”
“I hear what you're saying Rach, but I still...” I started and a knock at the door interrupted my please let me condemn myself speech.
Rach walked to the door. “I wonder who this could be?” she said with a wink.
She pointed at
me and whispered, “I need you to perk up please.”
I managed a fake smile and she finally opened the door. It was Derrick. She embraced him with a hug and then they turned to me.
“Hey Derrick,” I said trying to sound cheerful.
“Hey Jay, how's it going?” he answered.
“Good. I'm really psyched about our trip.”
“So am I,” he said as he kissed Rach on the cheek. “Michael is downstairs. He said he had to make a quick phone call and then he'll be right up.”
“Okay, thanks.”
I finished putting the rest of my things in my bag, when I caught a glimpse of Rach and Derrick hugged up on her bed. They looked so cute together and I was so happy for her.
I was done packing, when there was another knock on the door. I went to the door expecting to see Michael, but it was Ash and his new friend, Tiffany.
“Hey babe,” he said leaning forward and kissing me on the forehead. “I'd like you to meet Tiffany Morris. Tiffany, Jamie, Jamie, Tiffany.”
She let go of his arm long enough for her to extend her hand. I shook it and then she was right back under Ash. Ash pulled away and walked to the mirror.
“Hi. It’s nice to finally meet you. Ash goes on and on about you, I feel like I already know you,” she said.
“Nice to meet you, too.”
I looked over at Ash who was busy checking himself out in the mirror. He noticed I was watching him and just shrugged his shoulders. He then turned around and walked back over to Tiffany.
“And this is Rachel and Derrick,” he said. They shook hands as well.
“Hi Rachel, I've heard a lot about you, too. Ash is always talking about the fun he has with his two best friends,” Tiffany said sounding nervous and overly excited.
“Hi,” Rach said giving me a crazy look. I just shook my head.
I couldn't help, but feel a little bit jealous of this girl and I didn't know why. I'm happy with Michael. We have so much fun together. So where was this coming from?
She was gorgeous with her long legs, perfect body and beautiful skin, that was a shade lighter than mine. She was the same height as Ash, so she had to be like five nine or five ten. I looked her over trying to find some kind of flaw, but there was none. Her teeth were perfect and her hair was bone straight, like she had just left the stylist, and the cut complimented her oval shaped face. Her dark brown eyes and outfit completed her exotic look.
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