by Toni Aleo
He looks away, chuckling. “I don’t like that we were friends before this,” he says teasingly, and I grin. “I can hide things from people who don’t know me like you do.”
“Sorry, bro, but I love it.” His gaze moves back to me. “I know you say I’m worth the risk, but I’m unsure if you’re actually going to take it.”
He points to his room. “I just did the naughtiest things with you—”
“But that’s physical,” I insist. “I want the emotional, too.”
He narrows his eye. “There are emotions here,” he says, gesturing his hand between us. “I couldn’t have done anything like what I did in there if there weren’t.”
“Okay, but you’re scared of this—”
“No, I’m scared of losing you,” he says sharply. “And what it will do to not only me, but to you. Ally, you mean the world to me.”
My chest warms. “I know. Same.”
We grin at each other, but then his grin slowly falls away. “I need to be honest with you.”
His words come out of nowhere, and suddenly, I’m holding my breath. “Okay?”
Asher looks away, taking a deep breath as he kicks at the tile. I know that has to hurt, but he isn’t flinching. When he looks back at me again, his face is full of concern. “You have reason to feel all that.” I know I do, but I didn’t know he knew. “I didn’t love Jasmine.”
Okay, now I’m confused. “Huh?”
“I mean, I loved her in the sense that she was a cool chick and we got along, but I knew, with her, I wouldn’t get hurt. Or so I thought,” he says with a soulless laugh. I’m stunned in place, just watching him. I thought Jasmine was everything to him, but he did always keep up a relationship with me. All the time, even when they were together. “I know we all want our forever kind of loves, but for me, I wanted to be comfortable and Jasmine was there. Comfort. But I never looked at her and knew I was complete.”
My jaw is really hanging open now. I gather myself. “Really? Why? Why did you stay?”
“Because I didn’t have to try, because it wasn’t scary. I don’t know… It was easy.” He looks away once more, and I can see the tension in his shoulders. “I never wanted to put myself out there to get hurt, and while, yes, I was upset she was cheating on me, I wasn’t broken by it. I’ve said a lot lately and deflected even more because I wanted to hide the fact that I’ve never truly been in love with anyone.”
I blink. “You’ve never been in love?”
He shakes his head. “No, and I spent most of the night thinking about it. Honestly, I know my parents had their issues, and Aiden freaked me out from what he saw with them. But inside me, I feel that I never saw anyone but you, and I wouldn’t allow myself to feel anything for them. Just as I’ve kept all my feelings for you bottled up.”
“Asher,” I say slowly. “That’s not easy or even healthy. You have to let yourself feel what you feel.”
“But when I feel, I have the potential for being hurt,” he reminds me. “I don’t want to go through what my mom went through, and I sure as hell don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t,” I promise. “And as for your parents, look at them now. Shit, look at Aiden, who never wanted a relationship. You’ve always wanted one, but you were never in a loving one.”
Asher nods. “And knowing that this relationship can be that is holding me up. I’ve done my best to keep you as my best friend because I know I can fall head over heels for you. But what happens if one of us decides we want more?”
I can’t believe what I am hearing. “Asher, I know what I want. It’s you. There is nothing more than you. I’ve dated crappy guys because I know there is only one of you. And if I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone who’s anything like you.”
Asher leans on the bar, and I do the same, coming forehead-to-forehead with him. “I know you’re all in,” he whispers, staring at me with his one good eye. “And I want to be. But this, us, isn’t easy because I care what you think. I care what you do. I care who you talk to and don’t talk to. I care about you, all of you. You aren’t just some girl who is cool and fun to hang with. You’re the girl. The only girl I want to spend my time with. I want so desperately to believe that we can work and I can give you all of me, but I know you have the power to break me in half.”
I cup his jaw in my hand. “You just have to trust I wouldn’t do that to you.” I press my lips to his, and he melts against me. I don’t break our contact, but I do pull back some. “It’s that risk, Ash B. The one I’ve been telling you about constantly.”
He closes his eye, pressing his nose into mine. “I hear you,” he whispers against my lips. “But this risk isn’t an easy one, and I like easy.”
I move my bottom lip with his. “But aren’t the best things in life not easy?”
He curves his lips as he moves his nose along mine. “I think my dad has said that a time or two.”
“Exactly. Believe me, Ash, I’m the risk you want to take.”
“You don’t have to convince me, Ally,” he says earnestly, and his eye tells me he means his words. “At all. But still, I’m so used to hiding myself and the part that feels things, that I’m worried when I let them out, you’ll be scared away.”
I tilt my head to the side. “Or I’ll fall so deeply for you, I won’t see any other way out.”
He smiles as he wraps his fingers around my wrist. “That doesn’t freak you out?”
“No, ’cause I want it,” I say simply. “You’ve always wanted a relationship. Why don’t you try a real, loving one?”
He exhales hard. “I was in one back at the volleyball court,” he says and I grin, sliding my thumb along his bottom lip. “But you’ll have to be patient.”
I scoff. “Believe me, I’m a pro at patience. Just look how long I’ve waited for you.”
“I wish you hadn’t,” he says softly. “I wish we had done this sooner. Maybe then I wouldn’t be how I am today.”
“It wasn’t our time. Now, it is.”
Something shifts in his eye, and I feel it all over. I know what I feel is true. I also know that when he allows himself to feel what I am feeling, fear will be a thing of the past. I can be patient because I know my forever and a day is in my hands.
I just need him to catch up.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ally
When I get to my dorm, I’m on cloud nine.
I’ve had some good sex in my very short life—while Taco is a dipshit bastard, he was still good in bed—but nothing, and I’m not saying this because I love the dude, compares to Asher. I can still taste his skin, feel his fingers on me. And when he bit my ankle? It was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. The way he sank his teeth into my skin brought out some crazy Twilight fantasies, but I’m not a teenager and I don’t want Edward Cullen. No, I want Asher Brooks. All of Asher. Okay, maybe I am a bit partial, but holy hell, he makes me feel amazing.
I swear Asher loved every inch of me. Every. Single. Inch. If there was something he could lick or touch, he was doing just that. He wanted me. Fully. And that was an experience. I think maybe that’s why it was so great with Asher. Between the fact that we know and care for each other, he worshiped my body, my mind, and my soul. Shit. It was amazing, and whoo-wee, I want more. So much more and I get to have more when I go back to his place.
But going back to his place, even though I promised I would, has me hesitating. I don’t want to overstay my welcome, but I want to be with him. I hate that I get like this. It’s obvious he wants to see me. Even before we started burning up the sheets, he wanted to hang with me all the time. I don’t think I’m overstaying, but honestly, I really don’t care if I am.
I just want to be with him.
All of him. Naked. Dressed. Gray sweat pants. I’m down for anything. As long as it includes him, his mouth, and us. I love us. I love him. Oh my, I sound like a love-sick teenager… I feel like one too. What a feeling. It’s unreal. For so long, I wanted this, wanted A
sher because he filled me with such happiness even only as a friend. I’ve also seen him be a boyfriend, and he is incredible. So tentative and kind.
But wait… He was like that, and he never really loved his past girlfriends? What in the world? That blows my ever-loving mind. How? How did he do that? How did he keep himself so detached? When a guy would smile my way, I looked like a puppy about to get a treat. I’d latch, fall in love, and boom! Brokenhearted within weeks. I want so badly to have it all. My person and my career, just like my mom. But Asher has kept that part of him locked up. That’s unreal to me. I know hiding my feelings for him was rough all these years, but for him, he’s never let himself feel for anyone.
No wonder he resisted me so well.
Not that I’m saying I’m all that, but you can always find me with some Doritos.
Aw, Asher would appreciate that pun.
I grin as I park his car in my space. He makes me all giddy, but I’m still curious about this not loving people thing. It’s hard to believe. He almost married Jasmine. What is his deal? I shake my head as I get out of the car, locking it behind me. Before I can start for the dorm, though, my phone rings. I get it out of my purse and see it’s Fallon.
Why am I scared?
I answer. “Hello?”
“Hey, hun. Are you with my son?”
“No, ma’am. I’m on campus.”
“Crap, I have his phone.”
“I know. He asked me to come get it from you.”
“Okay. Don’t you have a game tonight?”
“Yup,” I say, all pleased she knows. It makes me feel special.
“Awesome. I’ll go pick him up, and we’ll head there. Can you send him a smoke signal?”
I snort. “I’ll send him a message. I left my iPad there.” Shit, I shouldn’t have said that.
Without missing a beat, Fallon says, “You’re the best. Thank you, sweetheart.”
“No problem. See you later,” I say, and just like that, she hangs up.
O…kay…
I fully expected questions, demands, about why my iPad is there. But I guess it’s normal behavior for us. I blink twice at my phone and then hit my messaging app that is set up to message Asher on my iPad.
Me: Your mother called. She’ll pick you up before the game. Six o’clock. Also, I don’t think she suspects anything.
He doesn’t answer back, so I head inside. I say hi to some of my teammates before rushing upstairs to my room. When I get there, the door is open, and Angie is lying on the bed, typing on her computer.
“Hey,” I say happily as I grab my backpack. “I wish I could stay and chat, but I gotta go.”
She sends me a forced grin. The only reason I know that is because I’ve seen her real smile, and that is not it. Unable to handle that since I know I brought Taco around her, I head out. “Quick thing!” she calls to me.
I am already out the door, but I poke my head back in. “Yes?”
“I got into that program in South Carolina. I’m moving after the season is done.”
“Oh.” I lean into the doorway, and while it sucks because I don’t want her to leave, I know it’s for the best. She’s wanted to get into that program; she wants to help athletes with addiction. It’s admirable. Also, it will give her a fresh start. “That’s amazing, Angie. I’m so proud of you.”
“Really? You aren’t upset?”
“I would be if you left me midseason.” I wink. “But no, girl. This is huge. You’ve wanted this. I am over the moon for you.”
Thankfully, she sends me a huge grin. “You haven’t heard anything back about your application?”
I shrug, shaking my head. “Guess they didn’t want me. But how could they when they have your application beside mine? You were made for this program, and let’s be honest, I don’t want to go to school anymore.”
Of course, if the opportunity came up, I would take it. But to save my pride, I figure going with that answer is best. She gives me a small smile. “True. But still, it would have been cool to go together.”
It would be, but what would what mean for Asher and me? I should probably talk to him about that. I’ve put in applications and resumes all over, and I’m not done. I’m about to send out more at the end of the month. Would he go with me? Should I focus on getting a job here in Nashville? Before I can get more into my head, Angie says, “I’m really excited. My parents…not so much.”
I smile. “It’ll be a change, but when you’re out there helping athletes kick addiction, they’ll be proud.”
She exhales hard. “Yeah, it’s gonna be awesome.”
“For sure.”
“Also,” she says, setting me with a look. “Don’t blame yourself for this shit with Taco.”
I swallow hard. “How’d you know?”
“You look at me like you broke me, and you didn’t. This was because of his choices, not yours. You didn’t know he was a sleazebag.”
“I did, and I didn’t. But I definitely wasn’t aware of what he was capable of.”
She shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. He’s nothing to us.”
“No, he’s not,” I say, my heart swelling for her. “I’ll miss you, Ang.”
She beams. “Right back at you. But you and Asher can come visit me.”
She waggles her brows, and I turn. “I gotta go!”
Her laughter chases me out of the room, and I don’t mind it. I could have shared for hours about Asher, but I’m late for class. And knowing my luck, she’ll tell her mom, who will tell my aunt’s daughter, who will then tell my aunt, and she’ll tell my mom. The wicked, tangled web of the Assassins, it’s a blast. For this reason, I don’t say anything because I want to be the one to tell my mom. When, I’m not entirely sure, but I want to tell her.
When I get outside, the cold air hits me in the face as I head toward my next class. I’m almost there when my phone sounds. I pull it out of my coat pocket and see that it’s a message from Asher. His screen name, which he has changed, has me in a giggling fit. It takes a moment to focus on what he said, but when I do, I beam.
YourSexyManMeat: Of course she didn’t. She has nothing to go on until we’re ready for them to know. But, wait. You mean to tell me, I have to watch you, in little shorts, be an awesome badass volleyball star and not get a boner since I’ll be sitting between our moms?
I snort at his question as I shake my head.
Me: No one said you couldn’t get a boner. You’ll just need to contain it.
YourSexyManMeat: Like that’s doable.
Me: Jesus.
YourSexyManMeat: LOL. Fine, I’ll manage. But know this, Allison Titov. After you win and I get you home, I will be tearing those shorts off—with my teeth.
And with that, I trip over a tree root. Next thing I know, I’m facedown in the grass. I hear laughing, I even hear my heart beating, and I also feel pain in my face, but it doesn’t matter because I’m still grinning from ear to ear.
I sit in my locker, leaning on my knees as I text Posey.
She has me worried. She suffers from a thyroid disease that has the power to knock her on her ass. Worse than when I fell on campus—I mean awful. And every time it happens, I get so scared. I remember horror stories of her mom Elli’s episodes, and Posey’s can be just as bad, if not worse. The doctors have switched her meds, but she still doesn’t feel well. I hate that. I want her to feel as good as I do. Not that I’m telling her that. Again, not sure when I will. I need to make sure Asher and I are solid first. It’s all going so well, but I don’t know if he likes me like how I like him. I know he likes me, but does he love me?
Thankfully, Posey distracts me.
Posey: I’m fine.
Me: I don’t like when you’re sick.
Posey: I promise I’ll make it. I’m just super tired.
Me: Wait, you’re not going to bail on the group dance practice, are you? I hate that you’re sick, but even I won’t tolerate that bail.
Posey: I wanted to, but since it won’t be tolerat
ed by you or Boon, I doubt I can.
Oh, thank God. Me: I’ll bring candy.
Posey: Great.
Posey: Oh, you don’t have to hide us anymore. Shelli and Aiden know.
Me: Really? How’d that go?
Posey: Good, she found him in my pantry.
Me: Why was your boyfriend in the pantry?
Posey: Long story short, I freaked and stuffed him in there because he was at the apartment and she showed up out of nowhere.
Me: Huh? Did she tell your mom?
Posey: No. She’s actually keeping it quiet.
Me: What are you bribing her with?
Before she can answer, Coach comes in, and we gather for a pregame talk. I know it’s silly to assume that Posey would have to bribe Shelli, but I know Shelli very well. She wants all this crazy shit for her wedding. These over-the-top fluffy dresses and more. Posey is the only reason I’m not stuck wearing a Gone with the Wind style dress. God bless her. But because of this, I know Shelli will use knowing about Boon to get Posey to do what she wants. It can go one of two ways—Shea and Elli will find out about Boon, or Shelli will be wheeling herself down the aisle. And the thing is, I don’t know which scenario is more likely to happen.
I’m excited to find out, though.
“All right, girls. Tough match, with Vandy. Their front line is a blocking team, but the left hitter, number eight, that girl is a beast with her hit. She has the highest number of spikes in the state, so block the hell out of her. Keep your heads in the game, talk to one another, and let’s go win the three sets we need!”
We all put our hands in, and on three, we yell, “Bullies!”
We line up in the hall in the order we’re to be announced. As I bounce back and forth, I’m always reminded of how my dad used to warm up before a game. He would say his ABC’s since his English wasn’t all that great. He said it would help him when he needed to cuss at someone in English. He always rocked left to right, and I do that now. It’s more of a bounce since I’m not on skates, but the motion is still the same. As I go through my alphabet, I rub my fingers along my shorts, and I feel this fluttering in my gut. Is it nerves? I think it might be because Asher will be out there to watch me.