by Toni Aleo
She doesn’t have to say anything more; her body says it all. I know I’ve fucked up royally.
Like my sisters warned, this is about to blow up in my face.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ally
Surely. Surely, I’m dreaming.
This whole night had to be a dream.
It was honestly too perfect. The dress, the shoes, the fuzzy coat, and the unbelievable sex. Oh, and the main part—the fucking ring! It didn’t happen; I dreamed this. All of it. Even my best friend miscarrying a baby she didn’t know about… I have to have dreamed it. Asher stands before me, fear on his face, in nothing but a pair of tight-ass boxers that hug those thighs and show off that massive cock. I can feel the heat coming off his body, see the flush running up his chest and neck.
I pinch my hips, hard. Through the thin shirt I’m wearing, my nails cut into my skin, and it hurts like hell.
This is real.
He really just said Thanks.
What. The. Fuck.
I cover my face, squeezing my brows between my thumb and forefingers. “Are you fucking serious?”
“Ally—”
“What the hell are you doing to me?” I yell, dropping my hands to look at him. “Really, Asher. What are you doing to me?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know. I’m freaking the fuck out, and I don’t know—”
“Because, obviously, you like fucking with me. Is this a joke? Am I just a joke to you?”
He steps toward me, and I hold out my hand, stopping him. He looks like a wounded dog, his eyes pleading with me. “No, Ally. No. You’re not even close to a joke. I don’t know why this is so hard for me. I don’t. I want to say it, I do, but I want it to mean something.”
I’m squinting at him, literally squinting. “Seriously? What the hell did this night mean?” I ask, my voice rising. “‘Hey, you’re a great lay, here are some fuck-me-stupid shoes, a dress I can tear off you, and these diamonds. Yeah, no big deal. Let’s throw those in there so you’ll continue to fuck me!’” He shakes his head, trying to get closer to me, but I won’t let him. “Is that what it meant?”
“Ally, please. Calm down.”
“Calm down? Because telling a pissed-off woman to calm down actually fucking calms her down!” He sighs deeply, his face beet red, and I want to kick him. Right in the knee. “I can’t believe this. What am I to you?”
“Everything,” he says with his whole body, his arms outstretched, his shoulders tense as his eyes burn into mine. “Everything, Ally. I promise. I have never felt like this about anyone but you. You’ve got to believe me.”
“Then, why? Why do all this, why give me this ring, if you can’t even tell me you love me?”
“Because I wanted you to feel special. I wanted you to know you mean the world to me.”
“But you don’t love me,” I offer, and again with the blank stare. “So, you haven’t mentally moved from friendship to me being your girlfriend? You’re stuck in the friends with benefits zone that you don’t want to leave because the sex is so good?”
He looks down, taking in a deep breath. “It’s not like that at all. Not even close.”
“Then what is it?” I demand, and his shoulders droop. “Why don’t you love me?” I didn’t intend for my voice to break, it makes me sound weak, but I don’t get it. “I’m awesome. I’m a damn good time. I’m great to look at, and I’m smart. You always said you wanted someone you could talk to, and that’s me. Not only that, Asher, we are great in bed together. So damn good. So please, please explain to me why you don’t love me?”
He doesn’t answer right away. He doesn’t even move. He just drags in deep breaths, his whole body filling with them before he lets them out with a huge exhale. It’s so sad to see, but I refuse to allow myself to feel guilt.
“You’re confusing the fuck out of me, and I deserve an answer,” I insist. “I bet you didn’t do this to Jasmine.”
His eyes cut to mine, and the emotion in them scares the hell out of me. “You’re fucking right, I didn’t. I lied to her. Told her things I never truly meant. But with you, I won’t do that because you’re right, you do deserve better.” He takes a step toward me, and his eyes are swimming in tears. “I don’t want to lie to you, I don’t. I want to be able to look you in the eye and tell you the uninhibited truth, but I can’t do that yet. Giving you the truth, giving you that power, Ally…it scares the fuck out of me.”
“Power?”
“Yes, the power to break me. It scares me.”
I blink. “I hate your fear.”
His eyes widen. “What?”
“I hate it. I think it’s ridiculous because, guess what, I was fucking scared too, but I fell in love with you anyway! I essentially threw my heart at you because I thought you wouldn’t break it. I thought you would protect it, cherish it, just like you do me. But fuck, Asher, what are we even doing?” I cup my forehead and hate the tears that are rolling down my cheeks. “I thought when we decided to take this to the next level, you were with me.”
“Ally, I am.”
“No. You’re not.”
“I fucking am,” he asserts, meeting my gaze, his eyes burning into mine. “I can’t be in love without you.”
I pat myself on the chest, losing control. “I’m right here, Asher. Right here. What else do you want from me? I’ve given you my heart, my soul, and my body, Asher. What? What else can I give you to make you see that I love you!”
“Nothing, Ally. You don’t have to give me anything. I know you love me.”
“Then what is the fucking problem?”
His eyes shut slowly, and a tear leaks out and trails down the side of his face, getting lost in his beard. I refuse to acknowledge it—well, at least I try because, without much warning, a sob rips through me. “I’m the problem,” he says in a near-whisper.
“Obviously!” I yell, holding my palms up at him. “So, quit. Is that really too much to ask?”
“No,” he says before he swallows hard. “You’ve got to understand, Ally baby,” he pleads, his eyes meeting mine. “I’ve spent my whole love life lying and keeping girls at bay. I’d never let any of them get close. But there is no keeping you at bay. I want you to be woven into my life. I want to be close to you because you make me feel. But when you make me feel, you scare me. I never fully opened up to anyone because if things went south, it wouldn’t matter. You know me. You get me, and if I give you all of me, I could lose you.”
I throw up my hands and let out a groan that the neighbors probably can hear. They’re getting quite the show tonight. “Asher, you don’t know that.”
“I do,” he says matter-of-factly. “My dad lost my mom, Shea lost Elli, Aiden lost Shelli. Hell, Posey almost died, which would make Boon lose her. Shit, Ally, can’t you see the risk—”
I grab him by his shorts, yanking him to me. “I am worth the fucking risk, Asher. William. Brooks.” I poke my finger into the middle of his chest. “Either figure that out, or let me the fuck go.”
I start to move away, but he grabs my shoulders, keeping me in place. “I cannot lose you.”
“I will not stand around and be played with.”
“I’m not—”
“If you don’t love me, you’re playing with me to keep me around for your selfish needs. I am not here for that, and I will not be treated this way.”
I go to turn, but he stops me. “I’m not doing that. I care so much for you—”
“As a friend,” I say, yanking my arm from his.
He looks helpless. “Yes, Ally, you are my best friend.”
I shake my head, the tears falling faster, and I know what I promised. I do. But everything hurts. “Then, as your best friend, take my advice. Acknowledge what you have in your hands, or walk away.”
My eyes are held hostage by him for longer than I intend. When I’m finally able to tear them away, I gather my things and slide on some pants. I wipe my face, certain I am doing the right thing. I’m all for being patient
and not rushing him, but he doesn’t get to give me the best night of my life, say he wants my future, but then not admit to loving me. I know he does. I fucking know it, and he shouldn’t struggle to tell me so. I walk into the living room to grab my keys. As much as I want to ignore him, I see him leaning on the bar, watching me.
I don’t mean to meet his gaze, but somehow, I do. He sucks in a deep breath, his eyes begging mine. “Please don’t leave.”
“I’ve got an early morning, and you need to find Jesus or something.”
I’m met with silence. “You’re not leaving because of your early morning.”
“Well, no shit,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m leaving because you’ve hurt me.”
He looks away. “See, that’s what happens when you let feelings—”
“Yeah, it does. And you know what, Ash. I still love you. I love you with every part of my body. Look in a mirror, dude, do some soul-searching. Because, guess what, you love me too. You’re just allowing your fear to dictate what potentially could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
“Ally—”
“You know what? Call someone. Call Aiden. He’s done this—”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone,” he announces, coming off the bar. He points to me. “I only want to talk to you.”
I drag my hand down my face, wiping my cheek free of tears. “Yeah, well, I don’t want to talk to you right now. I need some time. Stay away from me.”
I turn on my heel and head out. As I shut the door behind me, I urge myself to keep taking steps, but it’s so hard. When I reach the elevator, I hear him running behind me. “Please don’t leave like this.”
“What would you rather I leave as?” I ask as I step onto the elevator. “Want me to tell you I like being played with? That it’s okay?”
“I’m not playing with you.” He holds the elevator doors open with his arm. “I promise I’m not. That’s not my intention.”
My lip trembles as I cross my arms over my chest. “Well, it feels like a game, Asher. A game I can’t play. Not with how I feel for you. Not when I know you can feel the same for me if you only allow yourself.”
“Ally.”
“Let me go, Asher. There is nothing left to say.”
He steps toward me, and I back up until my body hits the back of the elevator. He wraps his arms around me, holding me close, and I close my eyes when he nuzzles my neck with his mouth. I hold him, squeezing him, unable to resist. “I don’t want this. I don’t want this fight. I don’t want to hurt you,” he says against my neck, and my heart shatters in my chest.
I can’t do this.
I won’t be a pawn in his game.
His comfort.
His new version of Jasmine.
I am better than that.
I push off the back of the elevator and push him away, detangling him from me as he steps out of the elevator. His face is full of pure shock; I’ve never in my life stopped hugging him first. Never. As the door slowly shuts, I can hardly see him through my tears, but with all the strength I can muster, I say, “All I want is for you to love me.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ally
I’ve had my heart broken before, and each time, it hurt. No one wants to be dropped like a bad habit. I’ve always wanted to be loved. I want what my parents have, and in my heart, I always knew I would have it with Asher. I knew it would take a while, had to grow the balls to tell him how I felt, but once I did, we’d live happily ever after. In my mind, it was all so perfect. Everything I wanted. But what I didn’t expect to happen was for him throw a wrench in my little dream and keep himself locked down.
Oh, I’m so mad at him.
He’s so overwhelmingly frustrating. I just don’t understand. I’ve gone over every message from this past month, every touch, every word he spoke, and I still can’t make sense of it. How can he do all these amazing, perfect, loving-relationship things, and not own up to actually loving me? Yes, it gives me power over him, but doesn’t he realize he has the same power over me? But I guess he did the same thing with Jasmine. I hate to keep comparing our relationships, but it’s hard not to. Ever since I learned that he never loved her, it’s bothered me. He had all of us fooled, convinced she was it for him.
Stupid me, I thought I was different.
But even thinking that, I know I am. I’m so very different. We have so much history; I know him. He knows me, and ugh, it’s all such shit. Why is he being this way? I am not Jasmine. I’m not anyone but me, and I know—oh, how I know—I mean something to him. His actions, they scream love, yet he can’t recognize that. Damn it. It’s been almost a week since I watched those doors shut on him, and each day has hurt more than the last.
Never have we gone this long without talking. It’s been more me than him since the first day. I listen to my phone ring, ding, and ultimately die because of how much he’s called and texted me. I didn’t even read the messages or listen to the voice mails. I deleted everything and blocked him. I need time. I need to think. He is so intertwined in my life, and not because of our families, but because I want him to be. I love starting my day talking to him, FaceTiming with him, and being with him. But knowing that I feel all this and he doesn’t… It’s knocked me down a few levels.
It’s demanded I open my eyes.
Maybe I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. Maybe he’s not capable of loving me. If that’s the case, then I need to learn to live my life without him. Which is what I’ve been doing. Has it hurt? More than I care to admit.
When I went to my adviser for some leads, she suggested California. I had to zip my purse shut to keep my phone inside it. I wanted nothing more than to call Asher and ask what he thought. I’m so used to having him as my sounding board, my partner, that I think I’m allowing myself to be played because I want something that may not be there.
I’ve gone to my classes, but have I paid attention? Not really, but I chalk that up to the fact that I’m going through some things. I’ve gone to practice, and I’ve worked just like before. Yes, I’m forcing myself because I have to prove to myself that I can live without Asher Brooks.
I have to make sure I’m not settling for his bullshit because he’s all I want and know. I’ve been treated like shit and settled for it because I couldn’t have Asher. I wanted so much to be loved, and then I finally found myself achieving all my relationship hopes and dreams. My perfection. But what if this relationship isn’t what I think it is? I honestly don’t want to think the worst, but I can’t shake the idea that Asher started this relationship with me and never intended to give me even an ounce of himself.
And that hurts more than the Thanks he responded with when I told him how I felt.
I just don’t know what to do. I miss him. Oh, I miss him more than words could ever express, but I think he needs time to think this through. And I need time to figure out if I want to settle for the fact that he may never love me. Hell, I’ve done it before with other men, and I was never as happy as he makes me. So, really, what’s the problem?
The problem is I want Asher to love me with everything inside him, just like I love him.
I close my eyes as I sigh, pressing my hand into my stomach. It just hurts. Everything hurts because I miss Asher so much. I swallow past the sob in my throat as I make the muffins I’ve promised Posey. How I even made it to her apartment is beyond me. But the fact that I’ve plastered a huge smile on my face and I’m acting like nothing is wrong is creating an Emmy-worthy performance. While I’ve done my fair share of crying, I’m proud of myself for keeping it moving. I may feel lost without him, but at least I know if I decide that I want to end this, I’ll be okay. Ish, I’ll be okayish. Ugh, I miss him, and I sure as hell don’t know what to do.
I move the ring he gave me around and around on my finger as I put the liners in the pan. I don’t even know why I am still wearing it, but I can’t bring myself to take it off, which really tells me we’re not done. I’m just mad, up
set, and I know we need the time to figure out everything in my head. I’m not naïve; I know he won’t just suddenly love me after this time apart. But maybe he’ll be honest with himself. Hopefully his feelings for me will outweigh his fear of the unknown. Hell, he’s so confident that he’s got me, so why can’t he believe it’s the exact same for me?
I start to pour batter in the liners as I try to ignore my internal monologue. Since arriving at Posey and Boon’s place, my mom and Elli have been gushing over Posey, cleaning and making sure she is taken care of. I really don’t know why; Boon has everything under control, but I guess they never can stop being moms. My beautiful Posey sits on a pillow on her barstool as her mom braids her hair and fusses over her. She’s still in some pain, but her color is back. They’ve switched her meds once more, and these are actually working. Her body is healing and it’s gonna take time, but I know she’ll be her spunky self in no time. It’s still hard to look at her, though. It wasn’t my miscarriage, but knowing I could have lost her guts me. If I don’t keep space between us, I’ll be like Elli, kissing her at every turn and gushing over her.
Posey is already annoyed with everything else. She doesn’t need my emotional issues.
“We’re gonna go clean the tub and shower,” Elli informs her daughter, and Posey groans.
“Mom, I think Boon already has.”
“I know, but I want to make sure it’s done to my standards. Bless him, he’s been so concerned with you, he might have missed something.”
She doesn’t give Posey time to argue; she walks away with my mom in tow. Posey’s eyes meet mine, and I force a smile. “How do I argue with her?”
“I don’t think you can.”
“Oh, I can,” she says, leaning on the bar, her head resting on her forearm. “I’m just too tired to do so.”
When some batter spills down my hand, I feel panic fill my chest as I quickly put everything down to take off my ring. I don’t want to ruin it. It’s so pretty, and while it’s a completely confusing gift, it’s still a gift from Asher.