by Toni Aleo
Always, Asher.
Tears burn my eyes as I lay it on the counter, but just as I set it down, I notice Posey’s eyes widen. I go to grab it before she does, but Posey is quick, even in her healing state. “Damn, girl, where did you get this?”
I wait. Surely, a lie will come, but nothing. Only tears. Only heartache.
How do I tell my other best friend that I’m in love with my best friend, but he’s acting like an idiot? I mean, I guess I could say that, but I don’t want to get into it.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say, taking the ring from her and setting it down again. I feel her gaze on me as I wash my hands before replacing the ring on my finger. “It’s nothing.”
“Oh, it’s something. Are you involved with someone? You are! How long? Also, rude for not informing me!”
I take in a deep breath. “It’s complicated.”
She looks down the hall for our moms and then back to me. “I’ve got all the time in the world for you.” I move to put the muffins in the oven, and then I turn back to her. “Do they know?” I shake my head, and she nods. “Well, spill the beans, Ally. But I’m warning you now, if it’s Taco, I might be the one to strangle you, and Asher isn’t here to stop me.”
Asher isn’t here to stop me.
I don’t know why that hits me the way it does. I try to swallow my sob, I try to fight back the tears, but concern fills Posey’s features right away. She reaches for my hand, and as our fingers lace, I meet her gaze. “I’m in love with Asher.”
It’s like watching the gears turn in her head as she processes what I’ve just admitted. She takes in a deep breath, her eyes locked with mine, and as she exhales, she says, “What happened?”
And I tell her. Everything.
“I knew you liked him at camp.”
I give her a sideways look as I pull the muffins out of the oven. “No way.”
“Yeah, there was no way in hell you really liked that damn string-and-cans shit he always wanted to play with. It didn’t even work!”
For the first time in days, I really smile. “It did too! That’s how we talked at night!”
Posey doesn’t agree. “No, you did it because then it was only you two.” She’s not wrong. “The same with when we’d play Barbies. Even I’d get bored and want to do something else, but still, y’all would play for hours. Even now, Ally, it’s always just you two. No matter the distance, no matter what, you guys love being together. While I’m pissed you didn’t confide in me, I’m not surprised by your feelings.”
“Well, he was.”
“He was not,” she says, shaking her head. “He feels the same, and again, I’m not surprised he never loved Jasmine. She wasn’t you.”
I wipe away a stray tear and wiggle my nose before explaining what happened the night I want to forget but is seared in my heart. She cocks her head to the side as if she doesn’t understand.
Join the club, sister.
“He said Thanks?”
“Yeah.”
She blinks. “He gave you that ring, but he still said Thanks?”
“Yeah, you can keep saying it, but it’s still just Thanks.”
“What a dumbass. God, how can he be so damn smart but so dumb at the same time?”
I wipe away another tear before reaching for the crumble I made before I started the muffins. I sniffle as I top the muffins. “I don’t know.”
“You know he loves you, Ally.”
I shake my head. “I don’t, actually,” I say, meeting her gaze. “He’s done this with every other girl—”
“But you’re not them,” she insists, her eyes burning into mine. “Seriously. Don’t get in your head and ruin this. That’s what you’re doing, huh?”
I shrug. “Yeah, I’ve proved to myself I can live without him.”
She narrows her eyes. “Seriously?”
“I don’t know, Posey. I have to be smart here. What if he doesn’t love me? What if he isn’t capable?”
“Then I’ll take him out, and you can use Wes as a rebound fuck. And boom! That ruins his day because he was wicked jealous when Wes was interested in you.”
“He was?”
“So jealous, which was why I always thought something was going on.”
“I don’t know.”
But she seems so sure of herself. “For real, Ally. I feel y’all are the real deal. I’ve always said you two would complete each other.”
“I thought so too, and we did. Until he wouldn’t get on my level.”
She makes a face. “He’s on the struggle bus, and I love that you’re giving each other time. Let him miss you, let him realize the queen he has—even though I’m sure he already knows.”
“Who?” We both look back as my mom and Elli come down the hall. I bite my lip as my mom says, “Please don’t say Taco.”
Elli glares at me. “This isn’t something to joke about since we all know what that asshole has done. But I will strangle you, girl!”
Before I can reassure them it’s not—though, I may want to go with it so I don’t have to talk about Asher—there is a knock at the door. Elli goes to answer it, and a gorgeous grin comes over her face as Fallon and the girls enter.
Fuck me.
“I come with gluten-free, sugar-free cupcakes from Audrey and a week’s worth of food for my baby and her honey,” Fallon declares as she and the girls bring in trays of food and then the box of cupcakes. “So y’all don’t need to cook.”
Posey makes a face. “Sorry, I need the gluten and the sugar.”
All three women glare at her as Fallon says, “Boon Hoenes told me otherwise.”
Posey looks back at me, but my heart is in my throat. “Why am I in love with him?”
“He’d die for you,” I say, my voice breaking as the girls set their trays beside me. I feel their gazes on me, but I’m looking everywhere but at them. I bet they know. Surely, they know. Or maybe not. He doesn’t like talking to them. I don’t know, but my anxiety is out of this world right now. What if they say something? Emery is the one I’ve got to worry about.
I run my hand down my face, trying to get myself together, but then Fallon exclaims, “Wait, that’s my ring.” I look up to see who she’s talking to, but she grabs my hand, and my body goes still. “What are you doing with my ring, Allison Titov?” She says it in a joking manner, but confusion is deep in her eyes. “Well, it’s Asher’s—”
Her words fall off, and she narrows her eyes as if it’s all finally coming together. Everyone is staring between the two of us, and I slowly pull my hand out of hers. It’s shaking so badly, I tuck it deep in my pocket and look down at the counter.
“What?” I ask, and she nods her head toward my hand.
“That’s my engagement ring that I gave Asher to give to Jasmine.”
It’s like being hit in the face with a wicked quick spike from a 6’2” Russian volleyball star. Posey fills her cheeks with air as she shakes her head. My mom and Elli are utterly confused, and the girls press their lips tight together. “I’m sorry, what?” I somehow choke out, and her eyes are searching mine.
Did he really give me Jasmine’s ring?
I am the new Jasmine.
Keep it together, Ally.
“Asher never gave it to Jasmine.” All the attention shifts to Emery. She stands there with no cares in the world, crossing her arms over her chest. “He bought her another ring because that ring was for Ally.”
All the attention swings back to me, and I’m so confused. “This is your engagement ring?”
“Yes, and I guess since Asher gave it to you, I’m correct in assuming you two are an item?”
My mom whips her head to me, and tears threaten my eyes. “Are you engaged?”
“No, no,” I say, and I twirl the ring around my finger as it all hits me at once. Asher gave me his mom’s ring. Her engagement ring that is for the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The ring he was supposed to give Jasmine but didn’t.
Wha
t in the actual fuck is wrong with him?
“He didn’t tell me that.”
Stella coughs. “Because he didn’t want to make such a big deal about it.”
For real, though, what is wrong with him?
“This is so complicated.”
Everyone just stares at me like I’m dumb. I don’t know what to say, but I guess I don’t have to. Not with Emery Brooks in the room. “Asher won’t admit to loving Ally, when she is totally in love with him. Because of that, they got into a huge fight and haven’t talked in six days.”
More gasps as everyone stares at me. Stella’s jaw is hanging open as she gawks at her sister. “Please, don’t hold back our brother’s business.”
“She isn’t going to say anything. Look at her. She’s almost as bad as he is, and the thing is,” she says, looking back at me, “you guys are being stupid. He does love you. He’s tired of people telling him how he feels, and he wants to feel it himself. Believe me.”
Stella clears her throat, stealing my attention. “Sometimes, actions are more important than words. If a guy did half the stuff for me Asher has done for you, I wouldn’t care one bit if he said the words or not because I wouldn’t need them.”
I blink. “It’s more complicated than that.”
They both nod. “Maybe so,” Stella says, looking uncomfortable. “But we hate seeing two people we love, who we know love each other, suffering.”
“Asher is suffering?” Fallon asks, and my mom pipes up.
“Well, obviously, since Ally is. They’re meant for each other.”
I bite my lip as I exhale through my nose. Fallon is pissed. Join the club. “I’m gonna call my boy,” Fallon says, in full mother-bear mode, but Emery stops her.
“Leave him be. No one can talk this out with him except him…and her,” she says, pointing to me.
She may drive her siblings crazy, but Emery would die for all of them.
All the eyes fall back on me, and I take that as my cue to leave. “I have a game tonight. I’ll see y’all later.”
“Allison,” my mom says, but I ignore her, kissing Posey’s temple.
Posey stops me, though. “Call him.”
I shake my head. “No. I need more time.”
Before I can make it out of the door, though, Fallon takes my arm, stopping me. I meet her heated gaze, and I’m not sure if she’s gonna tear my arm off and beat me with it. I’m sorta scared. Emery has to get her crazy from somewhere. “The girls are right. I’d rather be with someone who made me feel loved than who just said the words.”
I bite the inside of my cheek as my mom says, “Allison, you’ve wanted this.”
“Please let it be,” I say a little louder than I intended. I exhale hard and head out, holding back my tears. I’m almost down the hall, but then Stella and Emery are beside me. “Guys, I apprecia—”
“Have you heard ‘Falling in Love’ by Kurt Hugo Schneider?” Stella asks, cutting me off.
I press my lips together, unable to answer without letting out a sob. “He picked that song for you,” Emery says when I don’t say anything. “We spent an hour finding the song, and then he said he didn’t want to tell you in a song. He wanted to tell you in his own words.”
My lip starts to quiver as I look at the floor. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything. Just listen to the song. And then when you’re ready, ask him what song we picked out for you two. He got all in his feelings about it when we checked on him.”
I wipe away a tear. This is too much. “I’ll see y’all around.”
I start for the stairs since I know I can get down them quickly just as Stella says, “Yeah. Hopefully with our brother.”
“Who is in love with you!” Emery yells, but even if I want nothing more than for that to be true, I’m more confused than ever.
His actions do speak louder than his words, and no one has ever been this good to me. No one. But I’m not talking to him because I want three words.
It’s quite possible I’m as stupid as he is.
Chapter Thirty
Asher
Hour One: I realized what I had done. I realized what I was feeling, and I was in denial about the whole thing. I tried to chase after her. Didn’t work. I tried to call her. She didn’t answer. I’m so fucked.
Day One:
Pissed Ally wouldn’t answer me.
Day Two: More anger, but also a lot of hurt. It isn’t like her to block my calls, but she has.
Day Three:
I cried. For hours.
Day Four:
I missed her like no other. I called, left voice mails. I even walked by her dorm after I finished at work, hoping to see her. But Angie said she was with her mom. She really doesn’t want to see me.
Day Five:
I’m lost. Is she breaking up with me? I don’t know what to do. Stella and Emery force me to shower.
Day Six:
This is some bullshit. She better not be breaking up with me. I gotta do something.
That’s how the six, long, miserable, soul-searching, lonely days have gone without her.
I never realized how empty my life is without her. Each day that has passed without communication has been incomplete. I go to work, and the first thing I want to do is call her when I’m done. When it’s time for me to go to bed, I want her beside me. Or at least, telling me goodnight on the phone. The same when I wake up—I want to talk to her. Wish her a good morning. Shit, it’s not right how this went down. She has been in my life for over twenty years, and we’ve talked every day for the last ten. It’s crazy weird being ignored, and I know she’s blocked me, which hurts even more. To be honest, I have never before experienced the kind of pain I’m experiencing now that Ally won’t speak to me. I know I deserve it. I deserve it all. But six days? That’s rough.
Truth be told, my feelings are the least of my fears right now. All I’m scared of is how badly I’ve hurt her.
And if it’s fixable.
It has to be fixable.
I don’t know that I can rebound if it’s not.
When my phone rings, I see it’s Posey, so I decline it. I don’t want to speak to anyone but Ally. Everyone has called because my sisters have huge mouths and probably took out a billboard that I’m a hot mess. I know why they’re calling. To tell me I’m stupid, that I’ll lose the best thing in my life, and that if I don’t get my head out of my ass, I’ll never be happy. It’s like they think I don’t know these things. I do, completely. But that doesn’t change what I’ve already done.
I didn’t give Ally what she deserves.
My heart.
I close my eyes as I hold my head in my hands. From between my fingers, I see the shirt I’ve made for Ally. I went back and forth with myself if I would go to her game tonight. For one, I know she doesn’t want to see me. And out of respect, even though I don’t want to, I need to give her space. But also, I don’t want to mess her up, and seeing me could do that. The last thing I want to do is to screw with her favorite sport. Problem is, I promised I’d never miss a game now that I’m in Nashville. She also promised to always be my best friend, but she’s not answering the phone.
She took away everything. My best friend—and my future.
This whole situation has blown my mind, and it has also made me realize I can’t keep on in this present-but-not-present state I’m in. It’s not fair to her, and it’s sure as hell not fair to me. Not when I’ve got the heart of a great woman in my hands, while I hide my own heart in my back pocket. I’ve always had feelings for her; that’s not the problem. The problem is I won’t allow them to see the light of day because of the risk. Like she said when she poked the shit out of my chest, she’s worth the risk.
Too bad, I didn’t realize that until she pushed me out of her arms.
Something she has never done to me in my life. She’s my favorite person to hug—hell, she may be the only person I want to hug, because she doesn’t let go first. But my ass fucked u
p so bad, she pushed me away. I’m a real winner. I run my hands down my face as I lean back on the couch. It smells like Ally; damn near everything in this condo does. There are hair ties everywhere, and I’ve never cried over something as trivial as a toothbrush, but hers brought me to my knees in tears.
My phone sounds once more with a text. It’s Emery.
Emery: FYI, Mom, Harper, and Elli all know. So, beware. Also, Ally found out about the ring.
Fucking hell.
Me: Did you tell everyone everything?
Emery: No…and yes. Mom saw the ring, called her on it, and then I explained the situation.
Me: Wow. Thanks.
Emery: Anytime.
So now, Ally knows the truth. Knows I lied to her. And yeah, this is going swimmingly. Not. I go to drop my phone, but then another text comes through, this time from Posey.
Posey: Since you’re being a crybaby and not answering my call, I figured I’d send you a little text and remind you of those stupid cans with that string. That’s all. Good luck. And don’t fuck this up because she loves you, and I will kill you. But, ya know, good luck. Yes, I’m high on pain meds, but I mean everything I just typed.
“Cans with a string?” I ask out loud, completely confused, but then it hits me like a ton of bricks. When we went to camp, we’d get stuck in the cabins that separated the boys from the girls. I made us a can and string phone, and that was how we talked at night. Posey never believed it worked and always made fun of us, but Ally and I never had a problem. It was how we communicated when we couldn’t be together. I don’t know why Posey is telling me this now, though. We aren’t at camp, and if I brought a can to Ally as a new way to communicate, she’d probably throw it in my face
We need more than a can for me to communicate what I am feeling.
Especially after how I hurt her. The one thing I didn’t want her to do to me, I did to her.
No, I need a huge gesture, and I’m hoping the one I’ve come up with will work.
It’s Aiden-sized and approved. Now I just need to execute it.
I forgot that coming to the volleyball game would mean I would have to sit with Jakob and Harper. There is no way around it; I have to. If I don’t, they’ll think something is up. My knees bounce, and I draw in very deep breaths while I sit between a visibly upset Harper and a cool as a cucumber Jakob. It’s obvious who knows what. I’m surprised Harper hasn’t blown up on me. Every time she opens her mouth, I prepare for impact. I wait for it, but it hasn’t hit yet. Jakob, though, he hasn’t shut up.