Duke shook his head at her flippancy. He knew she was half-serious. She was heartbroken enough that she would have sought solace in his arms and he wouldn't have been able to say no. But it wouldn't have been real and it would have ruined both of them. Having Natalie cleared up a lot of his confusion in regards to his feelings for Lenny.
“It would have never lasted,” he said with a tender smile.
“That’s not true.” Lenny put on a brave face even as large tears fell on both cheeks. “I could’ve been happy with you. I could have cooked and cleaned for you and had your babies.” Her voice broke and shuddered as she tried to continue, “When I look at you...I see so much of what I want...”
Duke smiled and held her cheek with his palm. “You would never have done that.” He touched her tears with his thumb. “You’re too good of a person to live a lie.”
Her body crumpled against him and she sobbed into his coat, “I know, I would never be able to love you like you deserve.”
Duke's heart broke for her. How could he comfort her properly? What could he say to let her know that she was strong enough? That she would heal in time and she didn't need him in order find that out?
“It’s time to be grownups, remember?” Duke gently reminded her. “We can’t keep playing house our whole lives.”
“You’re my best friend.” Lenny said through her tears.
“And you’re mine,” Duke's chest burned with restrained emotion.
“But everything’s gonna be different now,” she whispered.
“Yeah,” Duke nodded. “It’s gonna be better.”
He had spent a great deal of his life loving her, knowing the whole while that he wasn’t going to be the one to experience her love returned. She was capable of passion like an avalanche, God save the man who would be on the receiving end of it.
***
When Lenny got on the plane and she knew in her heart that Duke was going to be okay...and she would be too, eventually. She was pretty sure that they both knew, without saying, that it was unlikely Lenny would be returning in two weeks. Alaska had a wildness about her that matched a lot of Lenny’s insides. She would stay among the danger and adventure as long as it took to heal her. Neither of them knew how long that would be.
Lenny pulled out her notebook. She hadn’t written in it since she first started falling for Luke. But it was time to start chronicling her heart’s journey again. She knew more about herself than before. Now, she knew she was capable of love. And she knew it was real. And she knew that if she wasn’t careful, it could wreck her completely.
She had thought about getting a new one. Her old one had notes and marks in it from Luke and she thought it might be too hard to have to look at that. But, in the end, she decided to keep it. Luke was a part of who she was becoming and she didn’t want to ignore that. After all, he was the first man she had ever loved. She wanted to remember that experience as honestly as possible. And honestly, it had been the best thing that had ever happened to her.
***
Luke got home and immediately called a realtor. He decided he hated his house and wanted to sell it. He unpacked his luggage next to the trashcan in the garage. He threw out most of his clothes instead of laundering them. He kept a few irreplaceable things but for the for the most part, it went to the trash. He didn’t want anything around that reminded him of her.
Luke was going through the last suitcase of clothes when Mike walked into the garage. Luke had been so focused on his task he hadn’t noticed Mike’s SUV pull up and park outside.
“Hey,” Mike greeted casually. He leaned his long body against the bed of Luke’s pickup and stuck his sunglasses in the collar of his shirt.
“What are you doing here?” Luke knew he wasn’t being friendly but he really wasn’t in the mood for more bullshit.
“Hadn’t talked to you in a few days…” Mike watched Luke throw more clothes in the trash. “I came by the other day, you weren’t here.”
“Yeah, I was stuck in Ohio. But I’m back now,” Luke barked.
“You change your mind?” Mike asked, unfazed by Luke’s demeanor.
“No, Mike. She did.” Luke looked up at Mike, his face hot with anger. “I’m not the one who left. Remember?”
“So that’s it then?” Mike’s tone was flat.
“What do you want me to do?” Luke growled. “What, Mike! Tell me!”
“Have you tried calling her?” Mike asked pointedly.
Luke sighed heavily. “She’s the one who left. If she wants to talk to me, she can call me.”
“Wow, that’s not childish at all,” Mike said sarcastically.
“Maybe you should keep your opinions to yourself,” Luke warned darkly.
“Maybe you should nut up!” Mike snapped.
“You know what?” Luke felt his pulse pound in his neck. “I'm tired of constantly having to rescue people around me! I'm tired of trying to convince you lot to stick around! It's bullshit!”
“Maybe if you didn't have such a hero complex, you'd see that you're the one who needs to be rescued! From your own arrogant, asinine behavior!”
Luke narrowed his eyes at his friend. He'd never wanted to punch someone so bad in his life.
“Stop being a dick! Stop making yourself a victim and look at reality! What did you expect when you got home? She would hang around, like some sort of friggin' groupie? She's so much better than that and she deserves better than that!” Mike shook his head in disgust. “Nah, man. You’re gonna have to put forth a little effort to get her back. If you want her, go and get her.”
Luke grit his teeth together. He didn’t respond to Mike. Instead, he threw more clothes in the trash. He finally reached the bottom of the suitcase and paused.
It was one of Lenny’s shirts. It must’ve gotten mixed up in the rush to pack when they were leaving Europe. Luke touched it hesitantly.
“I can’t make her come back,” he said quietly.
***
“Here’s a random question.” Mike was annoyed at how stubborn Luke was being. “Did you even tell her you loved her?”
Luke looked up at Mike, brow furrowed.
Mike barked out a laugh of frustration and paced a short distance across the garage and turned back to Luke.
“Wow, you’re really thick, you know that?” Mike let his hands slap against his sides in exasperation. “And you can’t figure out why she left? Hello?! You never gave her a reason! You didn’t even tell her you loved her, dumbass!”
Luke swallowed hard, “I didn’t have to say it. She knew.”
“What happened to not giving up on people we care about, huh?” Mike shouted. “What happened to doing everything we could to keep the family together? She's a part of our family now! Why isn't she here, Luke?” Mike waved an arm around the garage, amplifying his point.
“You do love her, don't you?”
“Yes! I love her! But she left, Mike!” Luke's face was crimson and the veins in his neck were starting to pulse.
“So did I once, but you never gave up on me!” Mike reminded him. “And I did a hell of a lot more shitty things to you than Lenny did. What the hell are you thinking?”
Luke's posture was rigid but Mike knew him better than that. He was the most broken and defeated he'd ever been. Why was he being so stiff-necked about this?
“I know how you feel.” Mike tried to bring his voice to a reasonable decibel despite his frustration. “She's the first woman who ever looked at you and saw past the rock star persona and straight to your soul. You revealed things to her you never would to anyone else. She sees more than the black and white description on Wikipedia and knows every color, shape and flaw that makes up your entire matter. She's still the only think you think about, dream about and want.”
Mike's voice choked off and he swallowed hard. Luke stared at him, confused and shocked. His face began to pinch as he tried to push down the rising ache that permeated his whole existence. Mike could see it, because he'd been there. Because
he was still there.
“You feel betrayed because when she left you got sucker punched. Any other girl and I'd tell you to get over it. But she's not any other girl, is she? She's the only one who makes you feel alive. She's the one who stands next to you and makes you feel like this world might not be so bad after all. She's your song, she's your home!”
Mike was about to say more when Luke cut him off.
“No, we’re done here. You can let yourself out.” He grabbed the empty suitcase and went into the house, locking the door behind him.
Mike rolled his eyes and went back out to his truck. Whatever then. He had tried. If Luke wanted to play the blame game and not fight for the girl of his dreams that was his prerogative.
Mike and the guys were still gonna be friends with Lenny and if that made Luke uncomfortable then so be it. Conceited, narcissistic jackass.
***
Luke threw the suitcase across the kitchen floor and stalked into his bedroom. He sat down on the bed and looked at the shirt still in his hands. He picked it up and slowly pressed it to his face. He inhaled her scent deeply. It was the scent that had been haunting his dreams since she had left. He felt a lump rising in his chest and he pushed it down. His eyes began to burn and he closed them.
For a moment, she was there with him. Her hair falling on her shoulders and her laugh lighting up his day. Her eyes, so blue they could have been taken straight from the ocean’s depths, looking at him with love and adoration. Her hands tangled in his, her lips the perfect distance away for a kiss…
He sighed and dropped his head with regret.
“I don’t know how to make you come back,” Luke whispered to no one.
Mike’s words rang through his head. But what if she still said no? Luke didn't know if he could handle that kind of kick in the teeth. No, it would take some time apart. He would get over her in a while. She wasn’t any different than any other girl he’d been with. He held on to that lie, hoping that it would eventually be true.
***
Lenny was in Seattle for her two hour layover before the three hour flight to Anchorage. She had already perused all the little booths and shops in the airport near her gate. She was considering getting a coffee, but wanted to avoid having to use the lavatory on the plane. The airport was packed with travelers and Lenny welcomed the distraction from her thoughts.
“Lenny? Lenny Evans?” A male voice came from behind her.
Lenny turned in her chair and stood when she recognized Ben Calloway, a guy she used to snowboard with back in the day.
“Ben!” Lenny greeted happily.
Lenny hadn’t seen Ben in years. They were the same age and competed in a lot of the same events growing up. His parents moved to San Diego during high school and they didn’t see much of each other after that. Ben was immensely talented and Lenny had kept up on his achievements over the years.
The last time she saw him, he was a gangly, disproportionate eighteen year old with some serious height in the half-pipe. He had most definitely filled out, Lenny observed. He was at least a whole head taller, wide shoulders and muscles that were apparent through his coat. He had the west coast, surfer boy look going, full tan and shaggy hair.
“What are you doing here?” He asked her eagerly.
“Headed to Valdez for a couple weeks with Federa and them.”
“No shit! Me too!”
“Really? I thought I was gonna be the last to arrive. Nick didn’t mention you were coming.” Lenny was excited, she hadn’t ridden with Calloway in a long time.
“Yeah, I had to wrap up some stuff at home before I could leave. It’s so rad that you’re coming.”
“Do you know who else is gonna be there?” Lenny questioned.
“Yeah. Besides Federa and Serge, me, you, Smitty, Shelby Lynn, Travis Jenkins, Shane Brookings and Jimmy Trucker.”
Lenny made a face at Shane’s name.
“Yeah, I saw all that over the X-Games.” Ben laughed. “I loved how you stuck it to him. That douche bag had it coming for a while.”
“Eh…I’ll have to avoid him I suppose.” Lenny said wryly. She wished Nick had told her that Shane was going to be there...oh well.
“Maybe we’ll have an appropriately timed avalanche during his run.” Ben waggled his eyebrows.
“That’s not funny, Ben.” But Lenny was laughing anyway.
“Man, it’s so good to see you.” His sincerity was obvious. “It’s been years. You look…really good.” He nodded his head in approval.
“You too.” Lenny smiled in return. “Who is Shelby Lynn? The names familiar but I’m having a hard time placing her.”
“She’s this little daredevil from Vermont. She’s only seventeen or something but she’s blowing up the circuit right now.” Ben took a seat across from her and stretched out his long legs in front of him.
“Oh yeah, I remember seeing something about her. She’s just a kid, I can’t believe Nick is taking her along.”
“C’mon, Lenny,” Ben chided, “We weren’t much older when Nick took us up to Valdez the first time.”
“That’s true.” Lenny rolled her eyes, “Man, time flies.”
“True story.” Ben agreed shaking his messy hair out of his face. “Hey, you still with the rock star?”
Lenny groaned., “Not exactly.”
“It was all anyone talked about after Aspen.” He raised an eyebrow at her.
“Yeah, I noticed.” Lenny said dryly remembering the tabloid pictures.
“What happened?” Ben was just making conversation, he didn’t know that it was weird for Lenny to talk about.
She wrinkled her nose. “It just didn’t work out.”
“Was he bad in bed?” Ben asked suggestively making Lenny laugh.
“It just wasn’t meant to be, that’s all.” Lenny hedged wishing she could find a way to get him to drop it without being rude.
“Was he a jerk?” Ben frowned.
“No, Luke was really great.” Lenny pursed her lips. “It’s still kinda raw for me so if we could not...”
Ben nodded, understanding. “Gotcha. Well, when you get to the phase where you want to trash him unmercifully, I have lots of good ones in my repertoire.”
Lenny smiled, grateful for his consideration. This trip was going to be fun. Exactly what she needed to help her work through all the turmoil inside. She didn’t even mind that much that Shane was going to be there. She felt like she had already kicked that ass and hopefully they could move on like adults.
Her mind drifted briefly to Luke. She wondered what he was doing. Who he was doing it with. She blinked hard, forcing the thoughts away and concentrating on the conversation with Ben. No reason to go there.
“I haven’t seen Trucker in years, I had no idea he could still ride.” Lenny remarked.
“He’s in the geriatrics league.” Ben joked, making Lenny laugh again. Yes, this was going to be an excellent vacation.
***
Luke stared out the window of his bedroom from his back. Sleep wouldn’t come. The sky was black, the stars floating in the darkness. He could almost feel her forgetting him. Didn’t they have something special? Weren’t they different from the rest? He knew the longer he waited, the harder it would be to get her back.
He felt gutted. Like a car that had been burned up from the inside out. Empty and charred, waiting to be shuffled off the pavement and taken to the junk heap. The fire leaving nothing useful behind.
He had sold his house. He had a week to get his things out. He didn’t even have anywhere to live. He figured he’d place his stuff in storage for now. It didn’t matter. Nothing felt like home without her there.
Chapter 19
Deep Inside Of You
Luke suspected that if Lenny knew his suffering, she would feel justified somehow. This is what she wanted, isn’t it? For him to be miserable and sleepless and hard to get along with? Well, that’s what had happened.
He’d been living with Sway for two days now and hated eve
ry second of it. As relaxed and unkempt as Sway appeared to the outside world, he was surprisingly strict about his home. To the point of obnoxious perfectionism. A place for everything and everything had a place. And sometimes he would want it put away before Luke was done using it. Forty-eight hours into their living arrangement and Luke wanted to kill him.
“Listen Luke, you’re welcome to stay with me until you find your own place.” Sway was making his diplomatic speech for the umpteenth time. “But you have to pick up after yourself. You didn’t hang your towel straight after your shower and I had to fix it. We don’t want musty towels, do we?”
Luke rolled his eyes. “You don’t give a shit about cleanliness on the road. What gives? Are you just giving me a hard time?”
“That’s ‘Road Sway’ this is ‘Home Sway.’” Sway responded like it should’ve made perfect sense to Luke. He walked into the living room and got his coat out of the closet.
“Where you going?” Luke asked. One of the reasons he had asked to stay with Sway was for the distraction. He thought it would be easier to not think about Lenny if he could hang out with some new girls. And Sway was constantly drowning in women.
“I have some people I’m meeting up with.” Sway answered casually.
“You need a wing man?” Luke asked.
Sway grimaced as his words. “Wing man? Dude, we’re not in college anymore. Besides, I’m insulted that you think I would need a wing man.” He checked his face in the mirror by the door. He adjusted his long, shiny hair around his shoulders.
“Sorry, I just thought I could come with you. Maybe hookup with someone.” The words sounded strange and forced, even to Luke.
Sway turned and frowned at him. “You’re looking for a hookup?” He shook his head with disappointment. “Man, you’re not like that.”
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