“I used to be.” Luke protested, feeling his ego getting testy.
“You’re not that guy anymore. You changed with Lenny-”
At the mention of her name, Luke looked down and swore under his breath. No one had said anything to him about her since the day Mike had visited him in the garage. It was a touchy subject for all of them. The guys disagreed passionately about Luke’s complacency. And Luke was determined to prove them wrong. He was just doing the worst job at it.
“I know you don’t want to talk about her and shit but let’s be real for a second.” Sway was trying to sound laid back so Luke wouldn’t feel threatened but he saw through it. “You guys had something real. I’ve never had that with anyone…But seeing you guys together gave me hope that I could have it someday too.”
“What? Are you saying you’re done being a dog and you’re gonna turn into a respectable human being?” Luke knew his words were too harsh but he didn’t care.
***
Sway wasn’t fazed. He was fine being the one Luke took his hurt feelings out on. “Yeah, I’m working on it.” He paused as he rested his hand on the doorknob. “You can’t come with me tonight, I have a date. A real one.” Actually, Sway was on his third date with the same girl this week. It was totally new for him. He saw the confusion and disbelief in Luke’s eyes and took compassion on him, “We can hang when I get home, I won’t be out too late.” He promised.
He opened the door and looked at his friend one more time. One of these days Luke was going to have to come to terms with his own hardheadedness. He needed that girl more than he knew. They all did.
***
Luke tried watching TV for a while but there was nothing on. He wondered what Mike was up to. They used to hang out all the time when they were off tour. But Luke didn’t want to call him and get another stupid lecture. Mike had no right to tell him how to handle this, he wasn’t the one in love with Lenny. Shit.
Luke stood up angrily. He was getting so sick of his head leading him back to the same damn train of thought. He didn’t want to think about her anymore. It was needless heartache. She was gone and she wasn’t coming back. He found himself staring at his phone. Not just his phone, he had already cued up Lenny’s number and his thumb was hovering over ‘send.’ He stood still for a long time, debating in his head if he should call her or not.
He shoved his phone back in his pocket and got his jacket from the closet. He didn’t want to talk to her. What else could she say that she hadn’t already said. He didn’t need to hurt himself on purpose. He left the apartment and went out into the Boston night.
***
Lenny thought she heard her cell phone ring and took it out to look at it. Nope. She didn’t even have a signal. That was weird. She frowned at the display, she was so sure she had heard it ring…
“Something going on on your phone?” Ben asked from beside her.
She shook her head and put her phone back. “I thought I heard it ring but it didn’t.” She couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was trying to call her.
“You probably won’t get too many calls in Thompson Pass,” Nick said from the front seat. “You’ll have a better signal in Valdez.”
Lenny just nodded without voicing her thoughts. She looked out the window of the SUV at the frozen landscape.
It had been years since she had first laid eyes on the beauty of the Alaskan terrain. Valdez boasted an annual snowfall average of 300 inches with some 600-900 more in the surrounding areas. Which is exactly where they were headed. The stark contrast of the crisp white snow against the brilliant blue of the sky made Lenny’s heart quicken just a tad. Alaska had always felt like a second home to her.
“It’s great that you could join us this year, Len.” Nick was saying from the driver’s seat. They were barreling down the highway, trying to beat the oncoming snowfall. It was an easy 6 hour drive inland from Anchorage as long as weather permitted.
“Yeah,” Lenny agreed, not really listening. All she could think about was how much more amazing this would all be if Luke and the guys were here.
***
Ben frowned thoughtfully at Lenny. She kept drifting in an out of being totally fine to being completely somewhere else. They had been able to talk quite a bit on the plane ride up, getting reacquainted and rebuilding their neglected friendship. Nick couldn’t pick them up until morning and they had both opted to just stay the night in the airport rather than get a hotel.
It was fun, they spread their coats out on the floor by the heaters and laid head to head. They continued talking and joking until they got too tired and both fell asleep. Ben had been awakened when Lenny had reached above her head and smacked his face for snoring.
He never felt like he had ever really gotten to know Lenny completely. She had always been this whirlwind of ambiguity. She wasn’t shy but she didn’t flirt either. Ben was naturally attracted to her and he was usually very good with women but Lenny treated him more like a kid brother than anything else. He didn’t mind, they had the whole trip to get to know each other better. And Ben was looking forward to showing Lenny how much of a kid he wasn’t.
***
“I thought maybe you and Shelby Lynn could share a cabin.” Nick was still talking to Lenny. “You know, since you’re the only girls.”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” Lenny turned her attention back inside the vehicle, her thoughts momentarily put on hold.
“Unless you want one to yourself, I can try to arrange that , too.” Nick put in.
“No, I’ll share. I hate staying alone.”
“You probably wouldn’t have to stay alone for long.” Ben said under his breath. Lenny frowned at him but he just shook his head like he hadn’t said anything at all. She knew what he was implying, but nothing was going to happen there. Ever.
“She doesn’t snore, does she?” Lenny raised an eyebrow at Ben. “'Cause I’ll probably have to smack her.”
***
“I don’t know about the snoring, you’ll have to let me know.” Nick chuckled from the front seat. He glanced in the rear view mirror and saw the brief exchange between Ben and Lenny. He grimaced inwardly.
The wonderful thing about having Lenny along was that she was probably the best rider in the group and would be able to teach the others a thing or two. The hard part was that she was too damn pretty and too damn nice. Nick had promised to take over for Duke in looking out for her among all these dudes. But it was going to be difficult. Hopefully they would get enough snowfall that there wouldn’t be much downtime for them to get bored and start looking for other forms of entertainment. Especially since Nick knew that Lenny could take care of herself. He didn’t want to be taking guys into town for broken bones and what not.
Nick Federa was forty years old this year. He had been doing big mountain riding nearly his whole life. Duke had been his best friend and riding partner for most of it. Nick enjoyed nothing more than to get a bunch of pros all together for a couple of weeks a year in what he considered his backyard. He always tried to invite a variety of riders, guys and girls. But usually the girls opted out. The ones that did make it were pretty fearless and would, on occasion, scare the shit out of him completely.
This year was no different. The group that had come together consisted of legends and rookies but all freaks in their own right. No one looked forward to snowfall more than this group of crazies.
“How’s the weather looking for the week?” Ben asked Nick.
“So far so good. But you know as much as I do. That can change.” He chuckled to himself. He loved the unpredictability of living in the mountains.
“How soon till we can get on the heli?” Lenny piped in.
“Damn, you’re ready to get to it, aren’t you?” Ben said with appreciation.
“Oh, probably tomorrow morning, I’ll have to check with Jack.” Nick answered.
“Kay.” Lenny gave a half-smile and looked back out the window.
***
They pulled in
to the little area where they would ‘camp.’ Tiny cabins with no plumbing and a couple of nearby outhouses. It was not the most glamorous of setups but no one was there for the amenities. A main Lodge was the focal point of the cul-de-sac. It had plumbing and a staffed kitchen and full service bar. That’s where the riders would spend most of their down time. It was nice and rustic with an old pool table and a couple of big screens thrown in for entertainment during blizzards.
Lenny helped unload her gear and Nick directed her to her cabin. She opened the door to the tiny room and smiled. It had been a long time since she was here. The cabin only held what it needed to. It was one room with one set of bunks and one small window. A short table under the window held a few items that belonged to Shelby Lynn and the heater in the corner was roaring. The bunks were piled with blankets and sleeping bags and a single light bulb hung from the ceiling with a pull string.
Lenny set her stuff down and gratefully accepted the top bunk. Shelby Lynn’s things were obviously claiming the bottom even though Shelby wasn’t there herself. Probably in the Lodge. Lenny thought to herself. Smart girl, don’t wanna isolate yourself in this world of testosterone.
Lenny left her things and trudged through the snow over to the Lodge. She might as well join everyone right away. She had been away from the entire snowboarding culture for so long, she wasn’t sure what to expect. Would she have to prove herself all over again? Would they welcome her with open arms the way Ben had? Would she be shunned and rejected?
She opened the door to the Lodge and it took a second for her eyes to adjust from the brilliant snow outside to the darker interior. She tried to gauge where she should be as she looked around the open space. It was pretty full since it was a destination restaurant for a lot of folks in Valdez, not just for those staying in the cabins. She took off her coat in the warm interior and hung it on a nearby hook with others. She startled a little when someone came up beside her and put an arm around her shoulders.
“We’re all in the back at the bar.” Ben said as he guided her that direction.
Lenny was relieved that she wasn’t left to fend for herself but she was growing a tad uncomfortable with Ben’s familiarity with her. She shrugged her shoulders subtly to push his arm away. He didn’t resist, instead he walked ahead of her to the group.
“Hey everyone, look who’s here!” He announced Lenny to the group of snowboarders who were having a casual drink at the bar. Lenny gave a small wave and swallowed. Here we go, she thought.
Serge immediately patted the stool to his left and motioned with his head for her to join him. She smiled gratefully and took a seat.
Serge was a legend among legends. He was arguably the greatest rider in the world. His talent and technique were unrivaled. Quiet and soft spoken but he always meant whatever he said. His immediate acceptance of her relieved Lenny. That meant that no one else would have a problem with her either.
Serge didn’t say much but he bought her a beer and listened to the others talk about their run earlier that day. Lenny relaxed into the conversation. It was fun getting to talk to others who loved what she loved and did what she did. The Lodge was full of activity and soft country music played from a nearby jukebox. It made her heartache seem more bearable.
Nick, Smitty, Ben and Shane were playing a game of pool nearby. The rest of the crew was lined up at the bar facing outward. Next to Serge was Jimmy Trucker, a long haired hippy from Wisconsin who hadn’t competed in more than ten years. Next to Jimmy was Shelby Lynn, blonde, unruly hair and sweet innocence wrapped in a stick of dynamite. Next to Shelby Lynn was Travis Jenkins, eight-teen year old superstar from Washington who thought he was a lot cooler than he actually was.
Shelby Lynn and Travis gravitated towards each other naturally because of the age similarity. They had more in common with each other than with the older riders.
Smitty was around the same age as Nick. They had been friends for years, competing in the same circuits and then eventually leaving the competitive side for the same reasons. Smitty used to keep his red hair long but had cut it when he turned forty so he would look more ‘respectable.’ Smitty and Trucker had been along for Lenny’s first trip to AK six years ago and it was comforting to see familiar faces.
And then there was Shane. He kept his eyes focused on the game of pool but they would occasionally flick up to look at Lenny. She wasn’t sure how to act with him, they didn’t leave things very good in Aspen but maybe they could move past it. He seemed more subdued than his usual, flashy self.
“You looking forward to getting some heli time tomorrow?” Serge asked from beside her.
Serge was from Norway but his English was perfect. Lenny could only detect a slight accent if she listened really hard.
“Yes.” Lenny nodded emphatically. “How was it today?”
“Good.” He gestured to the pool game, “Smitty took a bad fall but he says he is okay.” He nodded over his shoulder at the rookies. “They are a little skittish on the big hills still,” He said quietly, his eyes locked with Lenny’s. “I was hoping you would be looking for some good vertical tomorrow.”
Lenny felt her mouth pull into a half-smile. “Absolutely.” Serge had a reputation for pushing the limits of what was physically possible and Lenny felt privileged that he would include her.
“Saw the footage of you in Aspen. That was impressive for not having ridden in two years.” He was fishing, trying to see if her hiatus had been real or if she had made up the whole thing for a more dramatic comeback.
“When you want it, you want it.” Was all Lenny would reveal. Serge smiled at her response and saluted her with his beer.
She felt her phone buzz in her pocket and pulled it out. Her heart almost stopped when she saw Luke’s number on the screen. She excused herself and stepped over to a corner that was more quiet.
“Hello?” She asked, her hands and voice shaking.
Lenny heard lots of voices at once, like from a club or restaurant. And she thought maybe he had accidentally pocket dialed her and then he spoke.
“Hello?” He was speaking loudly and didn’t sound like himself.
“Luke?” Lenny asked, confused.
“Lenny?” Luke asked in return. Lenny could hear giggling in the back ground.
“Are you drunk?” Lenny was trying to stay calm but she could feel her neck heating up. Did he really call her while he was with another girl?
“I might be drunk.” Luke laughed loudly.
“Why are you calling me?” Lenny asked forcefully.
“I’m calling cuz…hold on.” She heard him moving around and it got quieter in the background. He must’ve moved to a different room.
“Lenny?” Luke asked.
“I’m still here,” she answered.
It was quiet for a few seconds and Lenny swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.
“I miss you,” Luke finally said.
“I miss you too,” she replied. And she did. Oh, how she missed him.
“I need you to come back.” His words were slurred and Lenny knew for sure that he was drunk. “Just come home to me and we can fix this whole mess.”
“I’m in Alaska, Luke-” she started but he interrupted.
“Why? Are you with Duke? I know he’s in love with you! Is that why you left me? For him?” His tone was suddenly combative. Definitely drunk.
“No. Duke is back home. I didn’t leave you for anyone.” Lenny knew that trying to explain anything to him in this state would be useless. Her arms ached to hold him.
“You said you loved me…” Luke’s voice broke and Lenny could feel tears starting to form in her eyes.
“I do love you, Luke,” she whispered.
“Then you why did you leave?” His voice kept swinging from heartbroken to angry.
“Luke, we can’t have this conversation when you’re drunk,” she pleaded with him. “Call me tomorrow, we’ll talk then,”
Luke seemed to consider her request. He sighed heavily, �
�Okay. I’ll call tomorrow…Lenny?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you, you know.”
“I know.”
She hung up the phone, her heart heavier than when she started out that day. Words of love could only mean so much spilling from the lips of a drunk. She hoped he would call her tomorrow but knew the chances that he would even remember their conversation was unlikely.
She put her phone back in her pocket and rejoined her group. Ben had noticed her tense phone conversation and came to sit beside her on the vacant stool.
“You wanna talk about it?” he asked.
“No,” Lenny smiled at him apologetically. “Sorry, I just wouldn’t know what to say I guess.” She pushed her beer away, suddenly disgusted by the taste.
“Let me know if I can help in any way.” Ben said sincerely.
“I will.” Lenny smiled and flagged the bartender down. She ordered some club soda and eased her way back into the conversation around the bar. She tried to not be distracted by her recent phone call. She had wanted him to call so badly. But she hadn’t wanted him to call while he was drunk. She tried to push the memory of the girlish giggles in the background far from thoughts. They weren’t together, he was allowed to do whatever he wanted.
***
Luke got home late that night. He didn’t really know how he’d gotten home, he just knew he was there now. Trying to get his key to go into the lock. He staggered and fell down in the hallway. He looked up at the door knob and frowned. His eyes couldn’t quite focus and he blinked hard to clear the fog. He pushed himself back into a standing position and tried again.
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