He looked hurt and concerned but she couldn’t help that. Her reserve of fortitude was draining away. She had to go, even though her body was begging her to stay. Thankfully, she didn’t have to see him again.
* * *
By midnight, the waiting room was almost empty. This was her chance to make good on her next step to break from her past. She told the unit secretary, “I’m going to take a break while I can. Page me if you need me.”
“Sure,” the woman said, and went back to her work.
With feet heavier than she’d like, Helena stepped into the elevator and pushed the button for the floor the nursery was on. When the doors slid open again she stood there a moment before walking out. She had to keep reminding herself that she could do this. The floor had its own particular smell. A mixture of baby powder and soap. The nursery was just ahead. The lights were turned down because it was so late at night.
Helena found the entrance and tapped softly.
A nurse came to the door and gave her a questioning look.
“I’m Dr. Tate from ER. I just wanted to check on the baby that was born down there the other day. See how she’s doing?”
The young nurse smiled. “I heard you had a really hard time down there.”
“It was pretty touch and go.” Helena didn’t want to relive it.
“The baby’s doing well. The mom has named her Olivia. They both have a long way to go before they make it out of here, I’m afraid. Come on through and you can see her.” The nurse didn’t wait for an answer before she started up a small hall.
Helena followed. They entered an open room with a few babies in clear incubator beds.
“Olivia is over here.” She indicated a tiny baby in the corner.
With slow steps Helena approached the bed. The baby was small but she didn’t seem to have any labored breathing.
“Her mother is still so sick that she can’t take care of her. That’s why Olivia is here with me instead of in the room with her. I have to feed her in a few minutes,” the nurse chattered on.
“May I feed her?” Helena wasn’t sure what had made her ask that.
The nurse looked unsure than said, “I guess that would be all right.”
A few minutes later Helena was sitting in a rocker with Olivia in one arm and a bottle in her other hand. Helena couldn’t deny the tightness in her middle or the shaking of her hand. Seconds later the baby was taking the tiny bottle. She wasn’t a great feeder but Helena managed to get Olivia to take most of her bottle.
This little girl and her mother would need help when they got out of the hospital. Helena vowed then that she would be there to help them, just as her parents had been there for her, or Elijah had been there when she’d needed a shoulder to cry on. Helena would help Marcy get on her feet, give little Olivia a chance at a good life.
When she was finished the nurse took Olivia from her. “You’re good at this. We have a hard time getting her to eat. We can always use people to help feed and rock the babies. You’d be welcome.”
“I just might do that. Thanks for letting me stop in.”
The nurse smiled and moved off to take care of another child. Helena left the nursery with lighter footsteps. She had done it. Made the first step. Somehow she could feel the old wounds closing. She was ready to go forward. The suitcase of memories she was leaving behind.
* * *
Elijah shook his jacket, removing the snow after entering the hospital. The faint sound of a Christmas carol could be heard on the overhead system. He forgotten it was just two days before Christmas. He’d never cared for the holiday to begin with, but he’d truly turned into Scrooge now. It had been another night of no sleep and no Helena. Neither made him happy. If he could just get through today he had the next day off. Maybe with twenty-four hours to wallow in his misery he could recover and push on.
Tossing his jacket in his locker, he was halfway down the hall to the department when he saw Charles.
“I see you managed to keep my department in one piece while I was gone.”
That was more than Elijah could say for his life. “Yeah, we had a good week. There were a couple of hair-raising cases but otherwise the regular stuff.” Elijah brought his brother into a quick hug.
Charles gave him an odd look. Elijah wasn’t surprised. Hugging wasn’t something the two of them were known for doing.
With narrowed eyes Charles studied him. “You look awful.”
“Thanks. It’s good to see you too.”
“For you to give such a benign report on the week makes me wonder if something else isn’t going on.” He turned to walk with Elijah.
“Nothing you need to worry about. We’ll talk later. I’m late for report.” Elijah needed to get away. Charles saw too much. “How was the honeymoon?”
Charles’s smile reached his eyes. “Wonderful.”
Everything about Charles’s appearance said he was happy. The exact opposite of Elijah.
“I’m glad. For you and Grace.”
At that moment, he noticed Helena coming up the hall toward them. She faltered a second before her back straightened and she continued their way. Dark circles were under her eyes. Everything about her said she was exhausted. Elijah wanted to take her home, draw her a bath and ease her into it then join her. But he’d pushed that opportunity away.
“Hey, Helena, you look almost as worn out as my brother here.” Charles patted Elijah on the back. “I’m starting to feel a little guilty about going on a honeymoon.” He chuckled. “No, I’m not.”
“I hope you and Grace had a good time.” She glanced at Elijah for a second then turned her attention back to Charles.
“We did. We liked the resort so much that we’re going to take the boys with us in the spring.”
“That’s great. Well, I’m headed off to bed. Tell Grace I’ll give her a call soon.” Helena moved past them toward the outside door.
Elijah watched her go. Everything in him wanted to reach out to her. He wished he was going to share that bed with her, talk to her about her day, ask her what she wanted for Christmas.
“Okay. My office now,” Charles said in his I’m older than you voice.
“I need to get report.” Elijah wasn’t interested in an interrogation.
“That can wait. I think we need to talk.”
Elijah might as well give up the fight. Charles wouldn’t leave him alone until he’d had his way.
“All right, but let’s make it short and sweet.” Elijah stepped toward the office door.
“That depends on you.”
Minutes later, Charles sat in his chair while Elijah took the chair Helena had used.
Charles gave him a direct look, like that of a father about to scold his son. “Don’t think that Grace and I didn’t notice that kiss between you and Helena at the wedding. We had a few discussions about it while we were away.”
“That must have been some honeymoon if you spent it talking about me,” Elijah said in a snide tone.
A devilish smile came to Charles’s face. “It was some honeymoon.”
“You really are happy, aren’t you?”
Charles nodded. “I never thought I’d feel this way again. Grace is the other half of me. The good one.”
Elijah knew what he meant. Helena made him feel whole. She had changed him in so many ways. Had made him look at life differently. Added laughter and joy to it.
“Enough about me,” Charles said. “We came in here to talk about you and Helena. Why you both look like you had lost your best friend.”
Because Elijah had. “There’s nothing to tell.”
Charles said an expletive under his breath. “Elijah, I have never understood what eats you about having a relationship.”
Elijah made a negative sound. “You mean with the sh
ining example our parents have provided.”
“I know their marriage is unconventional but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a solid one. I know that Dad’s affair seemed to hit you harder than the rest of us. You didn’t even seem surprised.”
That was an understatement if Elijah had ever heard one. He didn’t look at Charles as he said, “I wasn’t. I’d known for years.”
Charles looked more surprised than shocked. More amazing was that he didn’t look angry. Elijah told him the entire sordid story.
“No wonder you avoid family functions. I’m sorry you had to carry that all by yourself.” There was sympathy in Charles’s eyes. “You’re not to blame. Dad is.” The last few words were said in a hard tone.
“That’s what Helena said.”
“You told her.” It wasn’t a question but a statement. Charles nodded thoughtfully. “So it’s like that.”
Elijah stood. “What does that mean?”
“That you have only told two people your big secret and one of those is Helena.” Charles grinned. “You’ve had a busy week, haven’t you?”
Elijah wasn’t known for being embarrassed easily but heat moved up his neck. “Okay, if you must know, after that kiss at the wedding we agreed to a fling.”
“Guessing by both of your happy dispositions, it didn’t end well.” Charles rested his forearms on the desk and gave Elijah a pointed look.
“You could say that.” Elijah shifted his feet. Mostly because of him.
“You broke it off, didn’t you?”
“I’m not good enough for her. After the way I’ve treated my family, how could she trust me? How do I tell if it is real or not?”
“Were you happy?” Charles asked.
Elijah grudgingly admitted, “Yes.”
“Are you happy now?” Charles shot the question at him, giving him a look that implied he’d better get the truth.
“No.” He was dejected. Had been ever since he’d spoken to Helena.
“There you have it. You can have happiness or live in misery. That’s your choice. I know first-hand what it’s like to lose love. When Nina died I thought I’d never love again. Never wanted to. Didn’t think it was possible. Then Grace came along.
“Love is rare. Not something to take for granted. It doesn’t come by like a taxi every five minutes. You must catch it when you can. I know which one I would choose.” The desk phone rang. Charles glanced at it. “I’ve got to get this. Think about it.”
Elijah nodded and headed for the door.
* * *
Charles’s words ate at Elijah all day as he went about seeing patients. Helena had been the best thing that had ever happened to him. He’d laughed more in the last week than he had in years. She’d kept him on his toes, trying to keep up with her sharp wit. He’d liked being teased, it had made him feel loved. She hadn’t said she loved him outright but she had shown it in so many ways.
Could he trust her to mean it? Could he trust himself to accept it? He could now see how he’d let what his father had done color everything about his relationships. It was time for him to stop running. To face his fears. Helena would help him do that. She believed in him just as he was. He liked who he had become with her.
Would she take him back? Had he hurt her so badly she wouldn’t listen? No matter what, he had to try.
During the rest of the day he formulated his plan. That happiness that had washed away was starting to seep in once more just at the thought of having Helena beside him again.
* * *
The phone ringing woke Helena from a fitful sleep. It was Charles, requesting she come into work. One of the doctors on the schedule had called in sick. It was her day off but maybe working would be better than sitting around her apartment, thinking about Elijah.
An hour later she was headed out of the locker room when the door opened and Elijah entered.
Her heart beat faster, as it always did when he was near.
“Hello, Helena.”
She wished he wouldn’t say her name. It made her think of all the times he’d whispered it when they’d been in bed. He continued to fill the doorway so she said, “Excuse me.”
He watched her closely. “Can we talk?”
What more could be said? She didn’t want to rehash everything again. “I’ve got to go to work. Charles is expecting me.”
“No, you don’t. I had Charles call you because I knew you wouldn’t let me in if I showed up at your apartment. Especially after I’d been a jerk.”
She couldn’t agree with that more. “A jerk, huh?”
In his favor, he looked contrite. “Yeah, I’ve been a jerk.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “You don’t expect me to argue with that, do you?”
Elijah winced. “I might feel better if you did.”
“I’m not interested in making you feel better.” She went to her locker and started taking her coat out.
“I’m sorry, Helena,” he said quietly.
She studied him for a minute. Had he ever said those words to a woman before? What game was he playing now? She had no intention of being pulled in again. Being hurt once more.
“Goodbye, Elijah,” she said as she shrugged into her coat.
“Just hang on and let me get my jacket,” Elijah said.
Helena didn’t wait for him. She was almost at the outside door by the time he reached her. “Hey, wait up.”
She stopped. “Look, Elijah, I think you made how you feel clear the other night. So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go home.”
His hand gently wrapped around her waist and he looked into her eyes. He said earnestly, “I’d like to show you something special. Would you let me?”
Helena was tempted to say no but couldn’t help but wonder where this was going. Elijah’s actions were so unlike him. This humble, unsure man wasn’t the one she was familiar with. She could at least see what he wanted to show her. Then she’d say goodbye and go back to her empty bed. She nodded.
The tension left his shoulders in his obvious relief. He’d fully expected her to say no. “This way.” He directed her to the bank of elevators. When the doors of an elevator opened, they stepped in. He pushed the button for the very top floor. They rode up in silence before exiting the car and walking to the end of the hall.
“Where’re we going?” Concern begin to gnaw at her. She shouldn’t be alone with him too long or she might lose her resolve where he was concerned and beg him to take her back. How humiliating would that be?
“You’ll see soon.” Elijah’s voice held a hint of mystery. Maybe hope.
He opened a door that hid a staircase. They climbed. Elijah pushed another door open at the top. Before her were the lights of the city in white, blue, yellow and red. He’d brought her to the roof of the hospital. In the distance was the dark band of the Hudson River, beyond it New Jersey.
Helena whispered in awe, “This is amazing.”
“I promised I’d show you one day.” He stood close by. “Come this way, I think you’ll like the view.”
What was going on? Why had he brought her here? It was almost romantic. “Mr. Good Time” didn’t do romance. Their relationship certainly hadn’t been built on it. Sexual attraction definitely, but nothing deeper.
They walked around to the other side of the building. There sat a two-person bench with a blanket over the back of it. Beside it was a picnic basket. An outdoor heater warmed the area. The rhythm of Helena’s heart picked up. This was so not Elijah. Just a week ago he had been making fun of her enjoyment of a wedding. Now he had set all this up. He had changed. “What’s all this?”
“I wanted to talk to you and we shouldn’t be disturbed up here. I’m starving and thought you might be also so I had some supper delivered. I was hoping you’d join me.” He
took her hand and led her to the bench. “Have a seat. I’ll serve. Gertie says this is her special recipe for chicken and dumplings.”
“You mean it’s not burgers?” she couldn’t help but tease.
He smiled. Her heart flipped. She’d missed that. There was a little extra jauntiness to his step as he went to the basket. He’d been unsure about what he was trying to do. She liked this rather insecure, romantic side of Elijah. He was trying so hard.
Curious, she watched him closely and sank to the bench. Where was all this leading? What else did he have planned? She wasn’t going to continue their fling, no matter how much she was wooed. Wooed? Since when had Elijah wooed anyone? He was more Here I am—take me or leave me.
“Since we’re going to be outside I thought we might like something to keep us warm.” He handed her a covered disposable cup and took a seat beside her. “There’s more hot chocolate in the Thermos when you’re ready.”
“You thought of everything.” She wrapped her fingers around the cup, feeling the heat that was nothing compared to that being generated by Elijah, sitting next to her.
“I tried.” He sounded as if it really mattered that she’d noticed. He came to sit down beside her. “You cold?”
“I’m fine for now.”
They both drank in silence.
“This is good.” Helena raised her cup.
“I’m glad you like it.”
The polite small talk was wearing on her nerves. What was this all about? “Elijah, thanks for the hot chocolate and the view. But I’ve had a long day and I’d really like to go home.”
The gleam in his eyes dimmed. Suddenly he didn’t have that confidence he’d been showing. He took her cup from her and set both of theirs on the ground then turned to look at her. “I want to know if you’d like to continue our fling?”
She started shaking her head before he’d finished the question. “I won’t go there again.”
He took her hand. “What if it never ends?”
Dared she hope? Her heart was running away again. She wouldn’t survive if he did her the same way again. “What’re you saying?”
His gaze held hers. “I’m saying I’m sorry. That I want you forever. The last forty-eight hours have been hell and I never want to live through something like that again.”
Christmas with the Best Man Page 16