Wherever You Will Go

by Stephanie Smith

  I know this stuff happens, and more severely, to women every day. I know how lucky I was that Saxon arrived when he did. I also know it wasn’t anybody’s fault but Paul’s.

  It wasn’t my fault for being friendly towards a colleague, it’s not Nate’s fault for hiring him, and it’s certainly not Saxon’s fault for keeping him employed. I also know how much it has helped me to speak to someone.

  After the incident with Paul, Rachel insisted I see her therapist. At first I was hesitant, thinking I was fine, but after two weeks of nightmares, seeing his face in my dreams every night, I was willing to try anything.

  Of course seeing Dr. Steadman and talking about the Paul situation led to talk of Nate, and then of Saxon. I avoid her probing and questions as much as I can, and I’ve definitely made no further progress in that area.

  Thankfully Saxon and Rachel agreed when I begged them not to tell anyone what happened. I don’t know how I would cope with my mum and dad or Jeanie and Mark all suffocating me, as well as Saxon and Rachel.

  One thing Julie, Dr. Steadman, did insist on was to stop avoiding Jeanie’s attempts at contact and to begin seeing her again. Of course with Saxon hounding me as well, I had no choice but to finally relent.

  So here I am, sitting on my couch in a navy blue shift dress, a tan belt and matching Christian Louboutins, wrapped in my tan coat and waiting for Saxon to arrive. I convinced him to take separate cars so it didn’t look odd, and he only gave in when I agreed he could follow me there.

  My stomach drops as the front door opens. Saxon saunters in and stops when he sees me on the couch.

  “Are you all right? You look like you’re about to vomit.”

  “I’m fine.” My voice betrays me with a high squeak.

  Saxon chuckles as he makes his way over to my side. He pulls me up and wraps me tightly in his arms. “It’ll be fine, Brooke. They love you. They’re going to be so happy to see you, and they understand why you stayed away.”

  “Mmmmmm,” I mumble into his chest, soaking in his scent and letting it calm me.

  “Come on, let’s get going. You know how Jeanie feels about tardiness.” He chuckles again.

  Saxon locks up behind us and gives me a light peck before heading to our own cars. As I’m leaning forward in the dark, trying to get the key into the ignition, my driver’s door opens, and I jump back in my seat as Saxon leans in my car and takes my lips in the most devastating kiss.

  His kiss is fierce as his soft lips coerce me to open before he laces his tongue with mine. His kiss is full of want, need, care, protectiveness, and… is that love? The words I thought I had dreamt come flowing into my mind. Did I dream them?

  He pulls away, ending the delicious moment, and I’m left panting in shock.

  “What the hell was that?” I breathe.

  “I’m not going to get to touch you, kiss you or hold you for the next few hours. I wanted to get a taste to keep me going,” he smirks.

  I can’t believe he still manages to make me speechless. I should be used to his blunt, forward, and sometimes crass approach. Saxon says what he thinks, and it’s one of the things I love about him.

  Love?

  Saxon laughs as he gives me one more light kiss, winks, and shuts my door again, making his way to his own car. Starting my car, I follow him out the driveway, and we drive to Jeanie and Mark’s house.

  I don’t have time to focus on the fact I’m returning to Nate’s parents’ house for the first time without him. I’m too consumed with that kiss Saxon tortured me with and my slip about loving him.

  Pulling into the circular drive in front of the three-storey stone house, I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. This is silly. They’ve always loved me and they just want to be there for me. They aren’t going to be upset with my absence or avoidance over the past nine months.

  My door opens and Saxon smiles warmly down at me. “Come on,” he says as he holds his hand out.

  Grabbing my purse, I let him pull me out of the car and lead me to the front portico. He squeezes my hand in reassurance before pulling it to his mouth and placing light kisses along my knuckles. I smile warmly up at him. How can a gesture so simple bring so much peace and comfort? One small action shows so much emotion and feeling.

  The sweet moment is ruined as the front door opens before we knock, and I rip my hand out of Saxon’s grip and step away from him. Jeanie looks at Saxon quizzically before turning to me, her smile wide.

  “Oh, Brooke. We’re so glad you’re here; we’ve missed you so much. How have you been, darling?” She pulls me into her embrace.

  My body relaxes at her easy and genuine tone. “I’m doing much better.”

  “Come in, come in. Mark’s just in the office taking a call, but he’ll join us shortly.” She steps back and allows us in. I pass her and begin taking off my coat as Saxon steps in the doorway.

  “Saxon, darling, how are you?” she croons as he leans in to lightly kiss her cheek.

  “You know me, Jeanie, perfect as always.”

  “Yes, I do know you,” she says with a smirk on her face. “You’ll be perfect once you decide to pick one of the many beautiful women you are constantly seeing and settle down.”

  “Jeanie, it’s going to take a pretty perfect woman to make me settle down.” He gives her a panty-melting smile, and I roll my eyes.

  We hand our jackets off to the maid, who had joined us in the entryway, before following Jeanie to the sitting room.

  I forgot how picture-perfect their house is. It’s filled with expensive vintage furniture, which makes you too nervous to touch it.

  I sit on the edge of the floral-covered couch while Saxon throws himself down next to me. He and Nate were always so comfortable here. He confirms my thoughts as he leans back in the couch and crosses his ankle over one knee, chatting casually to Jeanie about work.

  “How are you finding it at Argo, Brooke?” Jeanie asks, leaning forward, her face expecting.

  “I love it there. I really feel at home.”

  “There she is,” comes Mark’s booming voice. I stand to greet him, and he picks me up in his huge hug, holding me tight. “It’s so lovely to see you, Brooke.”

  “Thanks for having me.”

  “No thanks for having me. You’re welcome here whenever you please; this is still your home. We’ve missed you.”

  My eyes glass over, and I try to blink away the wetness as I take my seat on the couch.

  “Mark, get the kids a drink while I go check on dinner,” Jeanie says, standing to leave.

  Thankfully Mark engages Saxon in business talk while he makes the drinks and I’m able to relax for a minute. I watch Saxon closely. Sitting here next to him and not being able to touch him is harder than I’d thought it would be. Not being able to rest my hand on his leg as he chats with Mark, or even hold his hand. Saxon must feel the same as he drops his hand between us on the couch and begins stroking my thigh discreetly with his pinkie finger.

  I smile warmly at him as he surreptitiously glances my way.

  “Dinner’s ready to be served.” Jeanie stands in the doorway, eyes narrowed.

  We all grab our drinks off the drink cart and make our way to the dining room.

  Jeanie has Saxon and me sitting across from each other while she and Mark sit at opposite ends of the table. The maid brings the prawn entrée straight out and we waste no time before we’re enjoying the gourmet food while involved in general conversation.

  We discuss Argo along with business Mark is involved in at the moment, Jeanie’s charity functions and groups she’s working with.

  “You know, Brooke, you should really come back to the charity group. The ladies really miss you and I’m sure you must miss it.”

  “Of course I miss it, and the ladies, but being at Argo full-time doesn’t really allow me many spare hours.”

  “How long are you going to do that? Surely you’re over it by now. How much could you really be doing there?”

  “Actually,�
� Saxon cuts in, “Brooke has taken to it like a fish to water. She’s picked everything up so seamlessly, and I’m sure she’ll be running more accounts than me soon.” Saxon winks at me, and I can’t help but smile warmly at him.

  “Of course she has,” Mark declares. “Brooke is a smart girl. She could do anything she sets her mind to.”

  “I know she could,” Jeanie says, annoyed. “I just think she would be more in her element in the charity group.”

  “She’s fine where she is, Jeanie,” Mark says sternly, quickly putting a stop to the conversation.

  Saxon and I exchange confused glances. There seems to be a bit of tension, and I’m not sure why.

  “You know, Brooke, I would love to have you for dinner one night next week. Mary’s son has just moved back to town, and I’d love to introduce you.”

  Saxon and I whip our heads instantaneously towards Jeanie. The tension has just magnified and everyone seems aware of it except for Jeanie.

  “Jeanie, that’s enough,” Mark scolds her.

  “What?” She plays innocent. “I’m just saying the club is full of great men. Men like Nate, perfect for Brooke.”

  I look over at Saxon, and he’s glaring at Jeanie. His jaw is tight and the muscles in his neck are pulsating under his tight skin. He meets my eyes, and I tilt my head while giving him a small smile. He’s grinding his teeth, and I know he’s holding his anger back.

  “Thanks. Jeanie. I appreciate the thought but I’m really not ready for that,” I tell her nervously, glancing at Saxon once more.

  “Well, I would appreciate it if you would come anyway.” Her tone is stern, and I get a feeling there is something more going on than her just wanting to set me up.

  “Enough,” Mark growls at her.

  Jeanie huffs like a spoiled child. “Fine.”

  The awkward moment is broken by the maid carrying in our main course of salmon.

  I spend most the meal trying to catch Saxon’s eyes and give him reassuring smiles. He ignores me the whole time, and I’m not sure if it’s on purpose or not as he focuses intently on his dinner.

  Anger radiates off him, and I know I’m going to have my work cut out for me in calming him when we leave.

  Maybe I’ll make an excuse to go home alone instead of back to his place, and he can just stew on it by himself. Guilt twists in my gut: I know his anger is for me. He’s in protective mode, and I shouldn’t be so damn selfish. But aren’t I always when it comes to Saxon?

  “Brooke, I have a few dresses I’d love to get your opinion on before dessert, if that’s all right?” Jeanie says with pure sweetness in her tone.

  “Of course.”

  Mark’s eyes harden and I immediately get my back up. Why do I get the feeling I’m walking into the lion’s den? She lifts her chin defiantly at him as she stands from the table.

  “Shall we?”

  Saxon places both palms on the table, ready to push up into a standing position and I quickly shake my head at him. He sits his bottom back down and glares at me. I nod reassuringly and follow Jeanie out of the dining room.

  The tension builds as I follow her silently up the two flights of stairs to her grand master bedroom. She steps aside to let me in and I pass her before she slams the door shut and turns on me, seething.

  “What the hell do you think you’re playing at?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You and Saxon,” she spits.

  What. The. Fuck? The blood rushes from my face and rings in my ears. My body begins to shake and I feel a little light-headed.

  “I saw it all,” she continues. “The sly touches, the sneaky glances. What are you doing, Brooke?”

  I want to yell at her. Scream that I’m doing nothing wrong, that Saxon and I are just friends who are supporting each other in a tough time. I want to tell her it’s none of her business. Just twenty minutes ago she was talking about setting me up with someone else.

  “How could you do that to Nate?” she sneers. There it is. Her problem. My problem. The whole crux of the problem: Nate.

  Standing up tall, I straighten my shoulders and clear my face. “Nate has been gone for more than nine months, Jeanie, and if I recall correctly you were trying to set me up with men at your country club only one month after his passing.” I try to swallow down the lump in my throat and keep my composure when all I want to do is run.

  Jeanie laughs, but there is no humour in her tone. “I’m not upset because you are moving on, Brooke. I’m upset it’s with someone like him.”

  The way she says him has my blood boiling. “Someone like what?” I get out through gritted teeth. “Someone loving, caring, kind, and loyal?”

  “Obviously not loyal to Nate …”

  “Especially loyal to Nate,” I cut her off, “and you know it. Saxon gave up starting his own business to help Nate build his. Now, nine months after Nate has passed he’s still there, putting his dreams on hold out of loyalty to Nate.”

  “Or to you.”

  “That’s enough,” I fume. “I’ve heard enough, and I’m not going to stand here and listen to you trash Saxon. He has been my only support over the past nine months. He saved me.” I head past her to the door.

  “I wasn’t just trashing Saxon, I was trashing you too,” she whispers, causing me to stop in the doorway. “What would Nate think if he could see you now?”

  I inhale sharply as she brushes past me in the doorway.

  Leaning against the doorframe, I close my eyes and take a huge breath. She knew exactly what she was doing by saying that. My chest is tight, and I run to the upstairs bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I fall onto the toilet seat and let the tears fall.

  I can’t do this anymore. It’s a constant rollercoaster of emotions. Up and down. High and low. I’m so tired. I’m so sick of everything being so hard. I want Nate. I wish he were here. I need him.

  I cringe at the light knocking on the door.

  “Brooke, are you all right?” Concern laces Saxon’s voice.

  “I’m fine, Sax, just not feeling well. I’ll be down in a minute.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m fine.” My voice trembles.

  “Let me in, Brooke. Tell me what happened,” he demands.

  “No, Sax. I’m just a little unwell. Please go back downstairs, and I’ll be there shortly.” I hear him grumble as he moves away from the bathroom door. Thank God. I just can’t deal with this now. I can’t think straight.

  Standing to look in the mirror, I shake my head. My mascara has smudged, and my lipstick has gone. I quickly give my face a light splash and wipe all the mascara off from under my eyes. I don’t even give a shit it’s on Jeanie’s white Brazilian cotton guest towels.

  Once again I straighten my shoulders, giving myself a pep talk as I open the bathroom door and head back downstairs.

  Upon arriving in the dining room, Saxon immediately stands to come towards me and I hold my hand up to halt him.

  “Are you okay, darling?” Mark asks.

  “I’m fine, just not feeling well. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to skip dessert.”

  “I’ll take you,” Saxon interjects.

  Jeanie rolls her eyes and Mark glares at her, before he looks to me in confusion.

  “Thanks, Sax, but my car is here. I’m fine, just need an early night. I’ll see you all later.”

  Jeanie doesn’t even look at me, but Mark looks between all of us. He stands to give me a quick hug. “Feel better, darling. I hope you come back soon.”

  “Of course.” It doesn’t sound as sure as I’d like, but I don’t care. I have to get out of here before I break down. I should never have come.

  “Thanks for dinner, Jeanie,” I say, willing her to acknowledge me. She grunts something unintelligible, and I turn for the door.

  “I’ll walk you out,” Saxon says, already following me. Great. I really don’t want to deal with him right now.

  He grabs our jackets from the hall closet, seeing th
e maid is probably in the kitchen. I’ve already got the front door open and I’m out of it before he can even hand mine to me.

  “What the hell is going on, Brooke?” Saxon demands as he grabs my arm, pulling me to a stop on the way to my car.

  “Nothing, I have to go.” Pulling my arm out of his grasp, I continue towards my car.

  “No you don’t. You don’t get to run this time, Brooke. What’s going on?”

  I can’t bear to look at him, so I keep my head down.

  “What is it?” He’s relentless and I know I’m not going anywhere.

  “I can’t see you anymore,” I blurt out as I look up to him.

  His face twists in despair and my chest tightens. “What?” he whispers.

  I stare blankly at him. He knows I’m serious.

  “Don’t do this, Brooke. I don’t know what happened with Jeanie in there, but I’m begging you. Please don’t do this.”

  “It was never anything serious. It was always going to end, Saxon.”

  “Bullshit, Brooke. I fucking love you. Don’t push me away.” His voice is raw. His eyes watch me intensely. He’s wearing his emotions on his sleeve, and I can read them like a book, helping me serve the next blow.

  “You don’t love me. You don’t even know me. You’re Nate’s best friend; you were always just Nate’s friend.” His face falls and I want to go to him, have him hold me, wrapping me up in that peace he brings. “What would Nate think?” I whisper as though he’s here listening. “I can’t choose you over him,” I state, my voice never wavering.

  “You don’t have to choose,” he shouts. He runs his hand through his hair, and I know he’s struggling to control his anger. “You make it sound like Nate and I were enemies. Like he would be disgusted by the thought of you and me together. He was like a brother to me, Brooke. Don’t you think he would be happy? Don’t you think he would trust you with me? He trusted me with everything else, and more than anyone else. Do you think he would want you with some other dick who didn’t look after you, didn’t appreciate you? Who didn’t know how lucky he was for you to even look his way?”