Faith Wish

by James Bennett

  Anne-Marie could feel her shoulders slump. She didn’t know. “You know I have problems with stuff on the Edit bar.”

  “Okay, then, let me help you.”

  “Why are you doing this?”

  “Why? Because I want to help. Do you think your father and I want you to fail?”

  “Mother, I’m on a contract. It’s like being behind bars. It’s like totally humiliating.”

  “It’s more like being on probation, but the point is that the contract is something we worked out with the school to help you succeed. Now pay attention.” Anne-Marie watched somewhat numbly as her mother dropped the Edit bar on the monitor and showed her the procedure for cutting and pasting. “Now you try it.”

  Anne-Marie manipulated the process successfully a time or two before her mother said, “I have to go to work. If you have any other questions about it, you can ask me this evening. I’ll try to help.”

  “You know, this is ironic,” said Anne-Marie. “In most houses it’s the teenagers who have to teach their parents about computers.”

  “Ironic is a good word for it,” said her mother before leaving the room. “And you need to start eating more. You’re getting too thin.”

  “I know. I will.”

  As soon as her mother was gone, Anne-Marie set to work on editing her essay. Her topic was a local drug program called Project Oz and the services it provided for teenagers. She could call Richard and quiz him, if she wanted; he had been in the program once or twice during sophomore year. But that wouldn’t work, because any call from her would only encourage him to try to start up their relationship again.

  The topic of drugs reminded her of the consultation with Nurse Howard, which reminded her she was pregnant without an option. This reminded her how queasy her stomach was, too much so for eating, and before she knew it there were tears running down her face while she found herself staring at the stars and bars on the screen saver.

  Anne-Marie stood up so she could pace. Looking out her window, she could see that her mother’s car was gone, as well as her father’s. The Planned Parenthood pamphlet Am I Parent Material? was in her desk drawer, hidden beneath some of Eleanor’s academic awards and certificates. She took it out and laid it right next to her keyboard. The pamphlet seemed like it was a living entity, with eyes that could track her movement in any part of the room. She didn’t know what to do and Eleanor was gone. She took the library card from her wallet and stared at Eleanor’s phone number on the back.

  If she went back to that clinic, she’d have to go alone. Anne-Marie suddenly felt a level of anxiety and desperation far more acute than any she’d ever known. She felt tears coming again, and she wished like anything she had a cigarette. It would fit perfectly with this restless pattern of nervous pacing.

  At that moment the doorbell rang. She wiped her eyes quickly with tissue before she went downstairs to see who was there.

  It was a young man with short hair dressed in a dark suit and tie. A young woman was with him; she wore a print dress which reached to midcalf. The young man introduced himself as Jacob, the young woman as Gloria; they were both holding Bibles.

  As she shook their hands, Anne-Marie recognized their faces from Brother Jackson’s tabernacle meeting. “What d’you want?” she asked.

  Jacob came right to the point. “We saw you make a visit to the Planned Parenthood clinic.”

  “You saw that?”

  “We monitor there sometimes. Please don’t be offended, but we feel it’s a part of what the Lord is calling us to do.”

  Anne-Marie’s first thought was, Someone’s been watching me. “I only went there because my sister thought it might be a good idea. How did you find my house?”

  Gloria smiled and said, “We try to maintain a networking system to help the convicted. We hope and pray you would never consider having an abortion,” she added.

  It never occurred to Anne-Marie that these two people might be invading her privacy. “I could never have an abortion. God could never forgive a thing like that.”

  “Praise Him for that,” said Gloria.

  “Praise Him,” echoed Jacob.

  Gloria continued, “Remember, if you’re pregnant, what’s growing inside you is a living child with an eternal soul. It isn’t just tissue, to be scraped away, like they try to tell you.”

  Anne-Marie suddenly felt embarrassed she’d ever gone there, or did the embarrassment result from the fact she’d been caught? “I could never have an abortion,” she repeated. “We just talked to a counselor who gave us literature and told us about eating right and health habits and things like that.”

  “That’s the pattern their seduction usually takes,” said Jacob.

  “Did this counselor ask you to return another time?” Gloria asked her.

  “Well, yes, she said I could come back later and talk about all my options. She said I could have a prenatal exam in their clinic.”

  “That’s their usual pattern of deception,” Jacob said. “They soften you up as if all they want to do is give you parenting advice, and then when they get you back they lead you in the direction of the abortion option.”

  “They can make it seem like it’s your choice, and not theirs,” said Gloria. “They do it again and again to confused young women. They’re very good at it.”

  Anne-Marie was scared. Her visit with Nurse Howard hadn’t seemed like this kind of prelude, but she did know from fellowshipping with enough believers that the abortion people were very clever.

  Gloria took Anne-Marie’s hand. “Would you like to pray about this, dear?”

  “Yes, I would,” Anne-Marie found herself answering quickly.

  The three of them went to their knees right there in the entryway. Gloria kept a tight grip on her hand. “Lord Jesus,” she began, with her eyes squeezed tightly shut, “we just give you all the praise and glory.”

  “All the honor,” added Jacob.

  Gloria continued her prayer, “Father, we just ask your blessing on our sister Anne-Marie right now, at this very moment.”

  “We ask you to be right by her side, Jesus,” added Jacob, “in the days ahead and fill her heart with your loving presence. We ask you, lead her in the direction of all right and true decisions, and bless her with your guidance every step of the way.”

  “Dear Jesus, don’t let her be seduced by the Evil One,” prayed Gloria, “whatever clever form he might take. We pray you just spread your whole armor to protect her every step of the way from those who would lead her astray and into sin.”

  Anne-Marie felt a sudden loosening of the fearful knot in her stomach. I didn’t put enough trust in the Lord to begin with, she thought. What made me think there could be answers in contracts with a high school or visits to a counselor at Planned Parenthood? Why wasn’t my faith stronger, why did it take two strangers to seek me out and lead me to the Lord’s exclusive guidance? The tears which rolled down her cheeks were new ones, different ones, tears of joy and relief.

  As the three of them got slowly to their feet, Anne-Marie brushed away her tears with the back of her hand. “I want to thank you for coming,” she said truthfully. “Praise Him.”

  “Praise Jesus, Sister,” said Jacob. “You can call on us anytime you feel the need. Here’s my card.” He handed her a calling card with his name, address, and phone number.

  “Put all your faith in the Lord,” advised Gloria as they were leaving, “and He will fulfill your every need.” Then they left.

  Put your faith in the Lord, and He will fulfill your every need, she repeated to herself as she showered down her tears in a good, cleansing cry. If my faith was stronger, I would have known sooner.

  June 9

  When Anne-Marie decided, it was Richard she called on for help. Not that she wanted to, but who else was there? Brooke would only try to talk her out of it. Chris Weems would probably take her, but he was really stressed, if the stories Brooke was telling were true. Which they probably were; Brooke could be a self-centered prima d
onna, but she wasn’t a liar. Besides, how could she talk to Chris Weems? As strung out as she herself was, how could she listen to his problems? She would pray for him.

  Sara Curtis would probably be willing to take her, but Anne-Marie wouldn’t know how to talk to her about being pregnant. Besides, Sara would probably be so scandalized she would drive off the road into a ditch.

  So it was Richard or nobody, as far as Anne-Marie could see. She called him to ask him to drive her to Crawfordsville, Indiana.

  “Cool.”

  “It’s not what you think,” she said quickly.

  “What do I think?”

  “This is not like a date or anything, I just need a ride to Crawfordsville. I want you to drop me off and then come back.”

  “Why?”

  It took a few seconds to gather herself. It was hard enough just taking off like this, without the added strain of trying to come up with explanations. Anne-Marie finally said, “I’m pregnant.”

  “You’re pregnant?”

  “That’s what I said. I’m going to have a baby.”

  “Jesus.”

  “It’s not your baby, Richard. Don’t worry.”

  “Be still my heart.”

  “I said you’re not the father. Don’t worry. All I’m asking you to do is give me the ride and drop me off.”

  “Why do you want to go to Crawfordsville?”

  “Because that’s where the father is. I’ve got to see him.”

  There was a brief silence on the other end before Richard said, “Does the guy know?”

  Anne-Marie took a deep breath, followed by another. “No. He doesn’t know. Now please stop asking me so many questions. Don’t you know how hard this is for me?”

  “Hey. You want me to do you this favor, which is pretty weird by the way, so you might have to deal with some questions. Okay?”

  “Okay. What else do you want to know?”

  “What about your folks?”

  “They’re not here. They’re at a wedding reception in Rockford. They won’t be back home until like midnight or something.”

  “All those cars at your house, and you want me to give you a ride? What’s up with that?”

  “I couldn’t do that. I might not be coming back, and I just couldn’t do that to my dad. I couldn’t just take one of his cars and abandon it somewhere.”

  “You might not be comin’ back? This gets better and better. But you want to go right away, that’s what you’re sayin’, isn’t it?”

  As crazy as it sounded, she could only answer, “Yes. Within the next half hour maybe. I’ve got a bag packed.”

  “This is so nuts I almost have to like it. You’re sure I’m not the father.”

  “Totally. Don’t even think about it.”

  She could tell Richard was lighting up. Even over the phone, she could hear the click of his lighter.

  Quickly, she relented on the car issue. “Okay, we’ll drive one of my dad’s cars. But if you end up dropping me off, you have to promise to bring it straight back home.”

  Apparently, Richard had heard enough. “What are we drivin’, Anne-Marie?”

  “We can take the Beamer.”

  “Cool. I’ll be there.”

  The black BMW purred like a kitten. Richard said so. Anne-Marie couldn’t care less what sound it made. The uncertainty of her future roiled in her stomach like a whirlpool.

  Richard was driving south on Highway 1, a secondary two-lane that went right through a succession of small towns. Anne-Marie wondered why he didn’t want to take the interstate.

  “Too many cops,” was Richard’s answer. “We need to open this baby up from time to time. There are lots of curves on this road, and some of them are fairly tight. BMWs are famous for cornering.”

  “Whatever. Just have it back by eight o’clock, or nine at the latest.”

  “No problem. Plenty of time.”

  “You have to promise.”

  Richard lit a cigarette before he answered. “I think I just did. Where d’you want me to put the keys?”

  “Just lock the car and leave the keys in the mailbox. That’s probably the best way.” She had this urge to tell him her father didn’t allow smoking in this car—or any of his cars for that matter—but it didn’t seem very important right now.

  “You’re losing weight, you know that?”

  “Not you, too,” she said. She reminded herself that she wasn’t running away, she was running to. By going to Brother Jackson, she was seeking the shelter which only the Lord could provide.

  “How come you’re losing weight? If you’re pregnant, you should be gaining weight, right?”

  “You sound like my mother. It’s just my sick stomach and no appetite. It’s called morning sickness.”

  “Have you told your folks you’re pregnant?”

  “Oh please, Richard. How could I do that? I’m on a contract, I didn’t even get to graduate with the class. I should like add this into the mix?”

  Richard didn’t answer right away. “I hate to say it, Anne-Marie, but wouldn’t you be better off getting your diploma in summer school than running off with this guy?”

  “He’s not a guy. And you’re the last person I know who should be giving lectures on responsible behavior. And I’m not even sure I’ll be running off with him, as you put it.”

  “Okay, sorry.”

  “And I really wish you wouldn’t make me talk to you this way.”

  “I can’t make you do anything, Anne-Marie.”

  She got the point. “Just lighten up, okay? This is all hard enough without the second-guessing. Besides, I thought if you got to drive this car it would keep you occupied.”

  They were reaching speeds of up to 100 miles per hour between the little villages.

  There would be reconciliations, she kept reminding herself. With her parents, with her friends, with Eleanor. Most of all, with her Lord and Savior. Withdrawing to Brother Jackson didn’t mean she was closing all the doors in her life.

  She said to Richard, “Let me have one of your cigarettes?”

  Richard fished one out of his pocket and gave it to her. He helped her light it before he said, “You wanna be careful now; you’re smoking for two, remember?”

  This was as adult as Richard Bone could be. Anne-Marie suddenly appreciated him. If she had to be chauffeured to this uncertain destiny, she was glad he was the driver.

  She inhaled deeply two times before she felt the intoxicating rush in her brain. Maybe it was just not having one for so long. It was euphoric, though. “You didn’t put anything in this, did you?”

  “Put anything in?”

  “You know, like weed or something? You didn’t crumble up a little grass in here like you used to do?”

  “Would I do a thing like that?”

  “Remember who you’re talking to. I’ve seen you do it before.” Then she didn’t want to talk anymore. She closed her eyes.

  They were in Crawfordsville in a little over two hours. Richard said his only regret was that the road was straighter than he’d hoped. “I think I’ll go back a different way.”

  “It’s up to you. Just make sure you leave the car the way I told you.”

  “We’ve covered that, huh? You’re sure you want me to leave you here? That’s your final answer?”

  She ignored the humor. “Yes, I’ve made up my mind. I either have the courage to go with my convictions or I don’t.”

  “And you’re sure you’ll find this guy?”

  “I’m sure. And don’t be late getting the car back.” Then she added, “Please.”

  “Like I said.” They were parked in a city park with a large gazebo and several small picnic shelters. It wasn’t hard to know where the tabernacle meetings were being held. The signs were everywhere. The fairgrounds were visible from the park, even though at quite a distance.

  She plopped her bag on one of the tables in a shelter. “You travel light,” said Richard.

  “Yes.”

  “Trave
ling light is always best.”

  “I’m glad you think so.” Anne-Marie felt light in the head, too, but her nerves were calmer.

  “You’re sure you know what you’re doing.”

  “As sure as I can be, Richard.”

  “I hope you’re gonna be okay, huh?”

  “Please go now. I’ll be better than okay. I’m not alone.” She almost said, You can pray for me if you want, but she knew it wouldn’t work with him.

  He didn’t answer right away. She guessed he was avoiding any negative remarks about her new religious beliefs. “I’ll tell you what,” he finally said. “If you run into any problems, you can call me, okay?”

  Anne-Marie didn’t look up at him. She did have her cell phone with her. She was running her thumbnail along a soft groove in the surface of the picnic table. “Thanks. And thanks for bringing me. But just go now, okay?”

  She watched him go. She watched the Beamer all the way down the street until it passed some downtown stores, went through a traffic signal, and then disappeared. Even though it was just Richard, she felt alone.

  It was after dark when she finally got to speak to Brother Jackson. She’d waited more than an hour by a fence near an open fairground building which served as the site for the praise meeting. When the final amens were concluded, and the last people finished speaking to him in private, Anne-Marie approached him. They spoke alone next to a livestock building that had lots of goats and a few sheep.

  Anne-Marie couldn’t help seeing it as a sign: the first fellowship message she’d ever heard him deliver was the one about keeping company with the sheep. She was bold by seeking company with the sheep, not the goats like Planned Parenthood and school counselors who drafted prison-sentence contracts. She found herself inhaling deeply; the agricultural smell was deep and rich.

  The surprise on Brother Jackson’s face was genuine, but so was the pleasure. Her heart leaped up.

  Naturally, he was caught off guard when she told him she was pregnant.

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  “Yes. I’m sure.”

  “Are you sure it’s mine?” he wanted to know.

  It was a question which hurt, but she simply answered yes again. The lighting where they stood was dim, dim enough she hoped he wouldn’t be able to see the disappointment in her eyes.