Faith Wish

by James Bennett

  “Shhh,” Rachel reminded her. “I said I dreamed the incubus, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a vision. Every dream is not a prophecy.”

  “How do you tell the difference?”

  “Sometimes I can’t. Remember, I told you the gift is not always cool. Sometimes it’s more like a curse.”

  “And you never dreamed it about me, Rachel. Tell me that’s so.”

  “That’s so. I never dreamed the incubus and you together.”

  “What about the pale horse on the bridge? Doesn’t that mean death?”

  “Maybe, if it’s a vision or a prophecy.”

  “You said you’ve had the dream several times,” Anne-Marie was quick to remind her. “Does that mean there will be death? Someone will die?”

  “I can’t say for sure. You’re real worked up this morning. Are you scared of death?”

  “Oh yes, aren’t you?”

  “No. If you die in the arms of the Lord, He will simply take you home to eternal peace.”

  It was reassuring. Anne-Marie repeated Rachel’s words. “… He will simply take you home to eternal peace.”

  “Exactly,” said Rachel, with a smile. She took a futile swipe at her noncompliant shock of hair. Others in the dorm were beginning to stir, so they dropped the discussion.

  Crystal cut Anne-Marie’s hair again. This time she fashioned a more careful, shingled effect to achieve a more chic cut. Anne-Marie didn’t ask for the favor, but Crystal said she’d like to do it.

  “I’m going to be a cosmetologist,” she said. “When school starts in the fall, I’ll only be taking two academic courses, and the rest of the time will be all vocational.”

  “I think you’ll be good at it, Crystal. I think you have the gift.”

  Crystal worked her scissors and comb swiftly at the nape of Anne-Marie’s neck. “When we take vocational classes, we get to be in another part of the building. It’s a better place for big geeks like me to hang out. We don’t get teased there as much.” She was laughing.

  “Why are you calling yourself a big geek?”

  “Because that’s what I am. But it’s okay. That’s one reason I love it here at Camp Shaddai. If you have the Lord inside of you, nobody cares what you look like on the outside. Did you already graduate, Anne-Marie?”

  “I was supposed to, but then I needed summer school to make up some missed credits.”

  “Did you go through graduation ceremonies with your class?”

  “No. I could have, but it would have been too humiliating. Know what I mean?”

  “That must have been a real bummer, to miss out.”

  “The part that bummed me out,” said Anne-Marie, “was that all my friends were having these graduation parties and open houses. Stuff like that. You know, where their houses get decorated with balloons and they put pictures on display from when they were a little kid.”

  “I’m really sorry,” Crystal said.

  “I wasn’t a very good person, Crystal. I got suspended and stuff.”

  “Me too. Sometimes I would go and hang out at the mall all by myself. Just so I wouldn’t have to go to school and get teased.”

  It sounded familiar to Anne-Marie. Not the teasing, but the part about skipping school. At least Crystal had a just cause. “People come here for all kinds of reasons, don’t they?”

  “That’s true. All kinds of reasons. Why are you here?”

  Anne-Marie hesitated. She wasn’t ready to talk about the baby. “I’m trying to work out some personal problems. I need a place where I can get counsel from the Lord without a lot of outside distractions.”

  “Do your parents know you’re here?”

  “No.”

  “Is that the reason the problem with Michelle bothered you so much? When her parents came and forced her to leave?”

  “I think so,” Anne-Marie admitted. “I think that’s part of it, anyway. How did you know?”

  “I was talking to Jessica about it. She told me you were real upset over it. Don’t hold it against her though, she wasn’t gossiping.”

  “There’s no reason I’d hold anything against Jessica. She was just worried about me.”

  “Well, we’re finished here, so why don’t we talk to Sister Abigail about it? Here, have a look in the mirror so you can see the back.”

  Sister Abigail was free, so they talked to her in her quarters. Crystal began by saying that Ruth Anne was still concerned about Michelle.

  “What is it that concerns you so, Sister Ruth Anne?” Abigail asked.

  “I guess it was the way it was so nasty. It could happen to me. The way everyone seemed so mad and sad. I felt so bad the way they were yelling at you.”

  Sister Abigail shrugged. “The Lord doesn’t promise us a comfy trip when we choose to follow Him, as you know. When we choose to take up the cross, it may not be made of balsa wood.”

  “I know, but they accused you of running a cult. Were they taking her by force?”

  “They were taking her against her will, if that’s what you mean. But why would anyone need to use force, Sister Ruth Anne? Do we have any bars on our windows? Are there any locks on our doors?”

  It sounded as silly as it was. “No. Of course not,” Anne-Marie replied.

  “Do we have any gates that are closed? Any security guards? Is there any restriction on coming or going?”

  “No, of course not,” Anne-Marie repeated, feeling foolish.

  “No one is kept at Camp Shaddai by force,” Abigail reminded her. “No one is kept here against their will. Anyone can leave at any time, or call home at any time, or make any arrangements they want. There is no coercion of any kind here. Have you seen any coercion?”

  “No.”

  “Is there anyone you’d like to call?”

  “I think I need to call my sister,” Anne-Marie admitted. “I promised her I would.”

  “Then if you made a promise, I think you ought to keep it. Do you feel like the Lord may be leading you to call her?”

  “Maybe so. I’m not sure, but you’re right that I need to keep the promise.”

  Crystal spoke up. “I’d better be going to Bible study.”

  “Is it okay if I stay a little longer, Sister Abigail? There’s one other thing I’d like to talk about.”

  “Of course. Sister Crystal, please tell the group Ruth Anne will be a few minutes late.”

  “Okay, bye.”

  After she was gone, Anne-Marie summoned the courage to bring up her apprehension about Brother Jackson.

  “What is it that you fear, Ruth Anne?”

  Anne-Marie still relished it when Abigail and the others called her Ruth Anne. As a symbol of the new person she was, it gave her added confidence. But she pointed out, “It’s been more than a week now. He said he’d be gone two weeks.”

  “Did Brother Jackson say two weeks exactly?”

  “No, not exactly. He said two or three weeks.” She knew she had to be truthful.

  “Then can’t you put your faith in what he told you? He’s a man of God, is he not?”

  “Oh, for sure he’s a man of God. I was just hoping I’d hear from him by now.”

  “You know how crusades go, Ruth Anne.”

  “I know. Sometimes they go really well, with lots of participants and lots of conversions. When that happens, they last longer.”

  “Exactly. When the Lord leads, He doesn’t always give us a predictable timetable or calendar. That’s the beauty of His leadership.”

  Somehow, though, Anne-Marie felt the need to persist. “Sister Abigail, is there any way I could call him? Do you have a phone number where I could reach him?”

  “I’m sorry I don’t.”

  “Do you have an address where I could write him?” Briefly, the thought of e-mail occurred to her, but there were no computers at Camp Shaddai.

  “Sorry again, Ruth Anne. The crusade he’s conducting is in a rural area of Oklahoma, somewhere near Stillwater, I think. I’ve never been there. I don’t have a mailing add
ress.”

  Disappointing as this answer was, there might be a silver lining. If her parents decided to sic the cops on Brother Jackson, he would be hard to find. Very hard. If Sister Abigail didn’t know how to reach him, it wasn’t likely the authorities could track him, either.

  Sister Abigail interrupted these reflections by saying, “I do have some good news that I can share with you.”

  “What good news is that?”

  “Brother Jackson called here a few days ago. I talked to him.”

  “You did? What’d he say?”

  “He told me the crusade was going extremely well, and that he still expects to return to Shaddai as soon as possible.”

  “When will that be?”

  “Now what did we just say?”

  “I know, I know. In the Lord’s time, not ours.”

  “Amen.”

  Anne-Marie wondered again exactly what information Brother Jackson had shared with Abigail. How much did she know about the relationship between Brother Jackson and herself? Did Abigail know more about his plans than she was revealing? But that was stupid. It was worse than stupid, it was faithless. A Spirit-filled woman like Sister Abigail who kept the Lord at the center of her life would never be treacherous.

  “Sister Ruth Anne, I have an observation.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I don’t believe your faith is strong enough yet.”

  “I know.” Anne-Marie hung her head.

  “Don’t feel ashamed. I’m not saying it as a criticism. You told me you became a Christian sometime in March when the Spirit entered you at one of Brother Jackson’s tabernacle meetings.”

  “Yes, that’s true.”

  “That’s hardly more than three months ago. That’s not a long period of time for membership in the Fellowship of believers. It takes time to make a full entry into the Spirit-filled life.”

  It made sense enough to reduce Anne-Marie’s sense of shame. “I need more time,” she said.

  “You need more time, but if your efforts are sincere, the Lord will bless them. He will never turn his back on you.”

  “I believe that with all my heart and soul.”

  “I trust and pray you do. But be kind to yourself by being patient. There are so many old habits to unlearn. So many parts of the old you which need to be put aside. That doesn’t happen overnight.”

  “I’ll try, Sister Abigail. Will you pray for me?”

  “Of course. I pray for you every day. I see you getting stronger and stronger in the faith. I even see you eating and sleeping better.” Now she was smiling broadly “Am I wrong?”

  “No, you’re right.”

  “Okay, then, get yourself off to Bible study. You’re already ten minutes late.”

  Anne-Marie felt a new sense of relief. The Lord would lead her in all ways if her faith was unconditional. She gave Sister Abigail a big hug before she left.

  That night after supper, Anne-Marie called Eleanor. She wanted to use her cell phone and call from the dorm, but she knew too many of the other girls would be there. So instead, she used the pay phone on the porch of the dining hall. No one else was there.

  When she heard it ringing, she hoped Eleanor might be out, in which case all Anne-Marie would have to do would be to leave a message on her answering machine. But no such luck.

  “Hello?”

  Anne-Marie took a deep breath. “Eleanor, it’s me.”

  “Anne-Marie. Baby, are you okay?”

  “I have a new name here, Big Sister. They call me Ruth Anne.”

  “I don’t care if they call you Joan of Arc. I want to know if you’re okay.”

  “I’m fine. I couldn’t be in a better place for sorting things out and seeking the Lord’s guidance.”

  Eleanor didn’t sound patient. “I called Mom and Dad like you asked me to. They were frantic, of course, assuming you’d been abducted.”

  “But I haven’t been, see? Trust me, I’m okay.”

  “You can say that all you want, but I need to see you. I need to see for myself.”

  “Just trust me.”

  “No, this time I’m not going to just trust you. You’re going to have to trust me. Mom and Dad have called me at least three times to see if I have any more information. What can I tell them? What do I know?”

  “Do they have the cops looking for me?”

  “I have to assume they do. They haven’t said otherwise. You have to tell me where you are. I have to come see you.”

  “Don’t ask me that,” Anne-Marie pleaded. “I only called you to reassure you. Can’t you tell by listening to me that I’m okay? Besides, aren’t you working in that seminar?”

  “I’m involved with two seminars, but they can wait. If I don’t get the chance to talk to you, I can’t concentrate on my work anyway.”

  “But we’re talking right now.”

  “Don’t play games. I mean face-to-face.”

  “I said don’t ask me that.”

  “I’m asking it anyway,” declared Eleanor firmly. “I’ll put it to you this way: This phone has caller I.D. When you hang up, I can have the number traced. I’ll call Mom and Dad and tell them where you are. They’ll pick you up and bring you home. You’re still underage, don’t forget. Would you like that better?”

  Oh God, why didn’t I use the cell? Anne-Marie could feel her stomach tying itself into a knot, and it wasn’t anything to do with being pregnant. She felt trapped. In her mind’s eye she reviewed that horrid day when Michelle’s parents came to Shaddai to drag her out. “No,” she said. “I wouldn’t like that better.”

  “Then make up your mind.”

  Anne-Marie sighed. Her resistance seemed depleted. She knew Eleanor didn’t mean to betray her, she was just deeply concerned. “Okay, but I don’t think you’re like giving me a choice.”

  “I would think you’d be happy to see your big sister.”

  “Of course I would, but you have to promise to try to understand what we do here and how we let the Lord lead us.”

  “Right now you’re the one who has to make the promises. Where are you?”

  “It’s in southern Illinois, but I’m not exactly sure where.”

  “Are you close to any big city?”

  “Not that I know of. I’m pretty sure we’re south of Carbondale. I guess we’re not too far from St. Louis.”

  “Just give me the name of the place,” said the impatient Eleanor. “You give me the name and I’ll find it.”

  “Okay. It’s called Camp Shaddai.”

  June 25

  Eleanor found Camp Shaddai. Anne-Marie discovered her leaning against a blue Taurus in the parking lot by the main arch, right after Bible study. She ran to hug her sister. “You found us!” she declared.

  “It wasn’t that hard.”

  “But how did you?”

  “I used a map-search program they had on the computer at the airport’s customer service. That was the easy part. Finding all these back roads and knowing where to turn was a little trickier. I have to admit I had to stop and ask for directions a time or two.”

  Eleanor was wearing a Harvard T-shirt and blue jeans. Her hair was pulled into a casual ponytail. She looked worried, though. “Look at you. Anne-Marie, I hardly recognize you with that hairdo.”

  “Do you like it?”

  “I guess I could learn to like it, but it’s certainly different.”

  “It’s more than a new ’do, Eleanor. It signifies the new me, the me in Christ.”

  “Let’s don’t go there right away, okay?”

  “Okay.” But Anne-Marie was disappointed. “You want me to show you around?”

  “Later. I’m going to take you to town first.”

  “Town? I don’t even know where town is.”

  “I do, though,” her big sister replied. “I’ve already found it. Why don’t you get whatever stuff you need, and we’ll go to town. I think they’re even having some kind of a festival.”

  “But I want you to meet Sister Abig
ail.”

  “I’ve already done that.”

  “You have? You’re kidding, right?”

  “I’m not kidding,” Eleanor assured her. “I talked with her for about twenty minutes in her apartment.”

  “Did you ask her about taking me to town?”

  “No. We didn’t talk about that.”

  “I’ll go ask her then,” said Anne-Marie.

  “You need permission to go to town with your sister?”

  “I’m not sure. I’ll go see.” She ran to the dorm so she could get a little money and put on her headband. She stopped briefly in Sister Abigail’s quarters to ask if it would be okay to go to town with Eleanor.

  “Of course it’s okay,” replied the counselor. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

  “Okay, thanks. See you later.” She gave Sister a quick hug before she left and then was on her way.

  The town, Crystal Cove, was only about a twenty-mile distance, but moving along the crooked and hilly road that followed the contour of the lakeshore, it seemed much farther. It took more than forty minutes and allowed plenty of time for conversation.

  “Isn’t Sister Abigail beautiful?” Anne-Marie asked Eleanor.

  “She is physically. I would have to wonder if that beauty extends beneath the skin, though.”

  “Oh no, Eleanor. She’s more beautiful on the inside, even if you wouldn’t think it’s possible. She carries the Lord in her heart above all things.”

  “It sounds like you adore her, so I’m not going to speak against her.”

  “Adore would be too strong a word. We save our adoration for the Lord Himself. What did you two talk about?”

  “We talked a little bit about the camp, why people come here, things like that.”

  “You didn’t quarrel with her, did you?”

  “I wouldn’t say so. I did ask her why she hadn’t called our parents to notify them where you were.”

  “You did? What did she say?”

  “I’m sure you know the answer to that one. She said the Lord would lead you to that decision, if it was the one He wanted you to make.”

  “And I’m sure you thought that was a lame answer.”

  “I wasn’t happy with it, but I didn’t have a better one.”

  “What d’you mean?” Anne-Marie asked. It seemed like a puzzling remark.