My Dilemma

by Pixie Perkins

  I shovel a forkful of potato salad into my mouth, determined not to show any emotions.

  “So, you’re okay with that?” Lora asks, looking at me expectantly. “You’re okay with Beth liking Brayden? Because we both know that when Beth likes a guy, she doesn’t keep it a secret from him.”

  The whole school knows that…

  “Beth can do whatever she wants,” I finally say after swallowing my food, “and so can Brayden.”

  “Right,” Lora agrees with a nod, “but are you okay with that? Be honest, Meg.”

  If I wasn’t feeling so sick all the sudden, I would definitely be stuffing my face with more potato salad right now.

  Being attracted to him doesn’t mean I like him.

  “Megan? You okay?”

  And to make things worse, that’s not Lora’s voice…it’s Brayden’s.

  “I-I’m fine,” I stutter, well aware that he’s now standing beside me. When the heck did he walk up to the table? Did he hear us talking about him? Worse is rapidly starting to become even more worse.

  “Are you sure?” he asks, resting his hand on the back of my chair. “You look kind of pale, Meg.”

  I feel myself melting under his worried gaze. “Yeah, I’m positive.”

  He doesn’t seem convinced though. “Maybe you should go to the nurses’ office.”

  “No, really,” I insist, sitting up a little straighter. “I’m totally fine.”

  “She’s probably just hungry,” Lora chimes in, coming to my rescue once again, “right, Meg?”

  “Mm-hmm,” I agree, glancing in her direction, “yeah…that’s probably it.”

  If only it was that simple.

  “Okay,” Brayden says, his tone hesitant as he sits in the chair next to mine, “are you sure though?”

  Dang it! Stop being so flippin’ concerned! My heart literally can’t take much more.

  “Yes,” I reply in a firm voice, “I’m sure.”

  No, I’m not. The only thing I’m sure about right now is that he’s making it incredibly hard for me to stick with my motto.

  Honestly, this reminds me of the time I got sick during one of our middle school field trips—and Brayden refused to leave my side. I remember being majorly annoyed by his hovering; but looking back now, I realize that it was really sweet of him.

  You’re treading on thin ice, Megan.

  Don’t I know it…

  “Well then you need to eat, Meg,” Brayden says, giving me a frustrated look, “seriously—before you start looking pale again.”

  Why can’t I just be genuinely annoyed by his nagging like I was on that stupid field trip? Instead, I find myself wanting to smile like an idiot. What the heck is wrong with me?

  Being attracted to him doesn’t mean I like him.

  “I’m eating,” I assure him, taking a bite out of my BBQ pulled-pork sandwich. I then mentally beg him to focus on something else…anything else.

  “So, I was talking to Beth Valerio earlier,” he drawls, opening his bag of chips, “and she mentioned something about a rummage sale fundraiser. Do you guys know what’s up with that?”

  Are you kidding me? Him focusing on Beth is NOT what I had in mind. And guess who’s beginning to feel sick again? That’s right: this girl.

  “Beth and her family host two community fundraisers every year for an animal charity they support,” Lora replies, offering a slight shrug. “It was some kind of art auction in the fall, so I guess a rummage sale is going to be the spring one.”

  I’m all for helping charities, but if Beth “oh-so-casually” mentioned the fundraiser to Brayden—it’s because she’s concerned with helping herself.

  I said what I said.

  “Gotcha,” Brayden says with a nod, “well that’s cool. Have either of you ever participated in any of their fundraisers?”

  I snatch up another one of my grapes, trying not to seem bitter. “We’ve never really been invited.”

  Besides her asking if Brayden and I were friends, Beth doesn’t usually start any conversations with me…especially not about her fundraisers.

  “Are they like, invitation only?” Brayden asks, his eyebrows creased. “Doesn’t that make it harder to raise money?”

  “They’re not invitation only,” Lora clarifies, shooting me a discreet judgy look. “It’s just, for the most part, Beth doesn’t personally ask people to help out.”

  Unless they’re hunky guys with great hair that she’s interested in…

  “Ah,” he comments after eating a couple of his chips, “well, I told her that I’d think about it—so we’ll see.” He turns to me, looking worried once again. “Are you feeling better now?”

  I should mention that his knee just brushed against mine, so I’m definitely feeling something. Did he even notice? No, of course not. Leg and arm brushes happen all the time.

  He asked me a question.

  Right.

  “Yeah,” I tell him, clearing my throat some, “I’m fine.”

  He studies me for another second or two, then nods. “Good.”

  Being attracted to him doesn’t mean I like him.

  It shouldn’t be this hard.

  “So, Brayden,” Lora says after a few moments of awkward silence, “do you miss…Flemingsburg? Did I get that right?”

  Maybe the awkward silence would’ve been better.

  “Yeah, it’s Flemingsburg,” he drawls with a slight laugh, “and uh…I miss it, I guess. I made a couple of good friends there, so I definitely miss them, but I never really got attached to the town itself.” He drums his fingers on top of the table. “Probably because I’ve always considered Sierra Heights as my home, ever after living in Michigan, which is why I’m glad we were able to move back. I missed being here.”

  Did he—did he just glance at me? Out of the corner of his eye? Sure, it was a brief moment, but I couldn’t have imagined that…right?

  Was he implying that he missed me? Am I one of the reasons he’s glad they moved back?

  “That makes sense,” Lora replies, eating one of her crackers, “don’t you think so, Meg?”

  I must look zoned out.

  “Absolutely,” I agree with her, “it totally makes sense.”

  Well, didn’t that sound intelligent…

  “Hello, all,” Holt’s voice joins the conversation, along with the rest of his annoying self. “Lora, can we talk for a sec?” He nods toward another section of the cafeteria. “Over there?”

  She scowls at him, and he lets out a frustrated sigh. “Please, Lora?”

  To my surprise, she actually stands up. “I’ll be right back.”

  Noooooooo! She can’t do this to me—not AGAIN. But she does. And now it’s just me and Brayden…sitting at this table…next to each other…by ourselves.

  “Well, this feels like déjà vu,” he comments in a humored tone, “huh?”

  “Yep,” I reply with a nod, “definitely déjà vu.”

  Except, this time we’re not sitting across from each other, he’s RIGHT next to me. And last week I flat-out hated him, but today I’ve had “being attracted to him doesn’t mean I like him” on repeat as much as possible. Why can’t I just still hate him? That would be easier than balancing our “friendship” and my attraction for him.

  But no, he had to go and apologize—and fix things between us—making it impossible for me to stay hating him.

  “Where’d ya go?” he asks, nudging my arm with his own. “Did the déjà vu hit you that hard?”

  “Not exactly,” I reply, forcing out a laugh, “I was just…thinking.”

  “You’ve got my attention,” he drawls with an interested eyebrow raise, “thinking about what?”

  You, of course. Lately, it doesn’t seem like I’m capable of thinking about much else.

  Will I admit that? Oh, heck no.

  “Stuff.” I offer a careless shrug. “Nothing exciting.”

  “Sounds kind of suspicious,” he says, looking unconvinced, “are you keeping secrets from
me, Meg?”

  Oof, that teasing glint in his eyes…

  “You are, aren’t you?” he asks, a slight smirk on his face.

  Did he just move in closer to me?

  Get a hold of yourself, Megan.

  “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not,” I tell him, tilting my chin up. “I’m not admitting anything.”

  Wow, I have no idea how I managed that response.

  Mental high-five.

  “All right, all right,” he laughs, leaning away from me (because YES, he really did move in closer). “Clearly, you’re a steel trap and I’m incapable of convincing you to spill all your secrets, so let’s change subjects…yeah?”

  Oh, thank God.

  “Okay,” I say, relaxing a little bit, “what’d you have in mind?”

  “Well, I’m sure you already know that your mom convinced my mom that we should have a housewarming party to meet more of the neighbors,” he drawls, snatching one of his chips out of the bag, “and considering you probably have more experience with housewarming parties compared to my 0% of experience, I’ve gotta ask: is it as awful as it sounds?”

  Mom convinced Mrs. Knight to have a housewarming party? When? And why the heck am I just finding out now?

  Being in Brayden’s house again isn’t a good idea…

  “Meg?”

  “Uh…” I trail off, trying to focus on his question. “The food is usually the best part, to be honest. The neighbors are usually nosy and ask tons of questions when they’re not trying to snoop around the house.”

  He proceeds to wince. “So, it is as awful as it sounds.”

  Ooh! Maybe he’ll convince his parents to change their minds about it…

  “At least you’ll be there though,” he muses, now looking at me, “I’ll just avoid all the nosy neighbors and hang around with you instead.”

  Or he’ll suggest that.

  Chapter 20: Let Me Cheer You Up

  When I asked Mom last night why she didn’t tell me about the Knights’ housewarming party, her excuse was that she hadn’t even added it to the family calendar yet. Then she wanted to know if Brayden mentioned the party to me. Since she already knew the answer, I didn’t bother telling her. Who else was going to tell me about it?

  And Brayden’s little “I’ll just hang around with you instead” comment has been replaying in my head nonstop. There’s no way I’ll be able to handle spending that much one-on-one time with him. However, part of me is…intrigued…at the thought? I mean, he basically said he’d rather spend time with me instead of anyone else that’s going to be at the party. How can I not be intrigued?

  It’s wrong, I realize that, because I’m not looking at this situation from a “we’re friends” viewpoint—but I can’t help it! Seeing Brayden as a friend is way harder than I expected it to be, and I keep remembering details from when we were “dating,” which just makes things worse.

  This morning’s middle school memory was of the first time that we held hands. We had been walking down one of North Ridge’s halls, and Brayden grabbed my hand so he could tug me out of the way before I collided with some girl that was on her phone (and not paying attention), but then he didn’t let go.

  Which was fine with me because I didn’t want him to.

  Now I’m walking down one of Robinson High’s halls by myself, totally single, and Brayden’s nowhere around me. That shouldn’t bother me—after all, it never did before—but it does. It bothers me a lot.

  Yeah, I’m totally horrible at doing this friend thing. Why did I think I could do it in the first place?

  And that’s exactly what I ask Lora when she sits across from me during lunch.

  “Do what?” Her eyebrows crease as she steals one of my chicken nuggets. “Why do you look so bleh? What happened?”

  “Why did I think that I could be friends with Brayden?” I clarify for her. “It’s not working, Lora. I can’t see him as a friend!”

  She pauses with the chicken nugget halfway to her mouth. “Wait, is this you finally admitting that you like him?”

  I swallow, hard. “I didn’t say that.”

  “You basically did,” she states in a matter-of-fact way, “unless you’re back to hating him again…but I find that hard to believe.”

  “I can’t like him, Lora,” I huff, crossing my arms, “look how things turned out last time.”

  “Lame excuse,” she says, eating the chicken nugget. “You guys were just kids, Megan—are you seriously going to base your relationship choices off what happened in middle school? If you like the guy, admit it already, there’s nothing wrong with you liking him!”

  I purse my lips. “What about Beth?”

  “What about her?”

  “Well, clearly she’s interested in him,” I state the obvious, “and he seems pretty fond of her too.”

  “Because he’s thinking about helping out with the rummage sale?” she asks, raising an eyebrow. “That doesn’t mean he likes her, Meg. In all honesty…I think he likes you.”

  My pulse quickens at the thought, but I know better. “Yeah, I doubt that.”

  “Seriously?” She gives me an annoyed look. “I felt like a flippin’ third wheel during lunch yesterday. What guy dotes that much if he’s not interested? And did you not realize how close he was sitting next to you?”

  Of course, I realized it. How could I not?

  “But, Lora—”

  “Even if I’m wrong—which isn’t very likely—and he doesn’t like you, he still deserves to know how you feel,” she cuts in. “He told you the truth about what happened back then, and you need to tell him the truth about your feelings now.”

  “I didn’t say that I like him.”

  She offers a slight smile. “You didn’t have to. We may not be in middle school anymore, but I can still tell when you’re crushing…and you are definitely crushing on him.”

  I don’t think I’ve been that obvious.

  “What if he doesn’t feel the same way, Lora?” I ask, throwing a hand up. “Do you know how awkward and embarrassing that’s going to be? No, telling him the truth is a horrible plan. I just need to distract myself from any and all inconvenient feelings until they decide to go away.”

  “You know how ridiculous that sounds, right?” she deadpans with a loud sigh. “Megan, just talk to him. Please? I’m begging you. And if it goes badly, I’ll shower you with chocolate…okay?”

  I don’t offer any kind of response though. Why? Because I don’t want to tell Brayden that I might—POSSIBLY—like him.

  It’s very simple, really.

  “Okay?” she repeats herself, waving her fork in front of my face. “No more excuses. No more pretending. No more wimping out.”

  Yes, to more excuses. Yes, to more pretending. And a MEGA-yes to more wimping out.

  I prop an elbow on the table and rest my head against my hand. “Why couldn’t he just stay in Flemingsburg?”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “Or why couldn’t I just be interested in someone else?” I continue to muse. “Robinson High is full of better options for me. I couldn’t find one other guy to crush on?”

  Granted, most guys are already taken. Especially the cute, nice ones. Like that Liam guy.

  “Megan—”

  “But what if he’s not taken?” I ask out loud. “Why would he go out of his way to talk to me if he had a girlfriend?”

  “What the crap are you even talking about? Who are you talking about?”

  “Liam,” I reply, widening my eyes at her. “Remember that guy I mentioned from Kyle’s soccer game? His younger brother is friends with Kyle?”

  “Uh…” she trails off with creased eyebrows. “I don’t know. Maybe? What about him?”

  “He’s the perfect way to distract myself from having feelings for Brayden,” I state in a matter-of-fact way. “Not only is he cute, but we made some small talk, and I think he could totally be interested in me.”

  I just need to find a way to bump into him again. T
he only problem is that I haven’t seen him here at school besides that one random time outside.

  Ugh.

  I really don’t want to start eating outside…

  “Why do I bother giving you advice?” Lora grumbles, eating some of her mac and cheese. “If you think your crazy idea is better, fine, but that means you can’t keep whining to me about Brayden.”

  “Well, considering my crazy idea is going to work,” I start, unable to keep myself from sounding smug, “I won’t need to whine to you anymore.”

  “Whatever you say, Meg,” she verbally waves me off, “whatever you say. So listen, Holt asked me out yesterday. That’s why he wanted to talk to me during lunch.”

  That dweeb! Didn’t I tell him to be patient?

  She clicks her tongue. “And I told him I’d think about it.”

  I blink at her. “You told him what?”

  “Yeah, I know,” she says with a slight laugh, “but…I kind of miss him, Meg. And maybe a date will help me decide if I want to get back with him or not.”

  I eye her suspiciously. “You’re not just saying all this to teach me a lesson, are you?”

  “Nope.” She shakes her head. “No lesson.”

  “Huh…” I trail off, not completely convinced. “Well, good for you then. Does that mean you’re going to tell him yes?”

  She shrugs. “Unless I change my mind.” She then drinks some of her water. “Ya know, I haven’t seen Brayden yet. Did he say anything about missing lunch?”

  “We didn’t talk this morning,” I reply, forcing myself to sound nonchalant, “but it’s not like he always has to sit with us. He can sit and eat lunch wherever he wants. Or he can just skip lunch if he wants to.”

  I need to make this Liam-thing happen ASAP.

  “Mm-hmm” is the only response she offers, and then we eat our food in silence. I tell myself that it doesn’t bother me not knowing where Brayden is, but more-than-likely he’s probably with Beth—and I can feel my appetite starting to vanish again.

  He’s not your boyfriend. You shouldn’t be worried about where he is or who he’s with.

  “Mind if I sit down?”