Hadrian's Lover

by Patricia-Marie Budd

  One cannot help but admire the extent to which these two men go to ensure beef is an environmentally sound part of Hadrian’s diet. Clearly, red meat is not for everyday eating, but for that one special night. When you want to impress your date, The Cattle Ranch Restaurant is definitely the place. Go on; it’ll help you both feel a little naughty!

  Vale!

  Family Dinner

  Geoffrey and Frank are seated at the kitchen table while Dean organizes the last of their meal. He has prepared tofu chili, green salad, and garlic toast. He places the steaming pot of chili on the table for everyone to help himself. He has prepared each person’s salad separately and now places the leafy greens with dried blueberries, almond slices (very hard to find these days being as most nuts are imported), and green onion drizzled over with a Saskatoon berry dressing in front of each man’s place. One chair remains empty, though, since Roger is late. After retrieving the garlic toast from the oven and placing it inside a small basket, Dean takes his place beside Geoffrey. “Shall we start without Roger?” he asks Geoffrey.

  “We might as well.” Geoffrey’s sigh is disgruntled. “If we wait any longer, our meal will get cold.”

  Dean looks across the table to Frank. “Do you know where Roger is?”

  Frank merely shakes his head. He has already started digging into the chili, stuffing his mouth with it and some of the garlic toast. After he has swallowed down his first mouthful, he expresses his satisfaction with the meal. “This is really good, Papa Dean.”

  Geoffrey smiles. “Nice and spicy,” he says as he pats Dean’s knee.

  Dean is pleased. He had never intended to spend his life as a stay-at-home spouse. There was a time when he actually dreamed of becoming a paramedic, nurse, or even a doctor—something in the medical profession. He had even considered becoming a chiropractor at one point, but those dreams ended when he was seventeen. Dean never went to uni, and he was married shortly after his eighteenth birthday. Once he came to terms with the way his life had turned out, though, he had chosen to throw himself into the role wholeheartedly. Teaching the boys hygiene, talking with them, listening, offering advice, helping them with their homework, making sure they ate well, all of these were an enjoyable part of his life. That and having them compliment him on the quality of his cooking gave Dean a sense of pride. With the glowing compliments being showered his way, Dean should have been at his ease, but Roger’s empty place bothers him. Blinking as he whispers, “Roger,” he waits for his voc to connect to Roger’s voc link over the wave. Connection is made. “Roger—Yes, it’s me—Where are you?—Really?—Turn your voc cam on—Blink and turn on your camera!—NOW!—Thought so. Say hello to Devon for me. Look around.—I want to see where you are; that’s why!—Look around!” Glancing Geoffrey’s way, Dean says, “They’re at The Cattle Ranch Restaurant.” Geoffrey’s sigh is almost a growl. “Tell him to bring you home.—Now.—You should have asked us first.—Now, Roger.—I don’t care if your food just arrived. You come home now!—I don’t care how much it costs. You come home now!” Frank, laughing over his chili, gets a sharp slap from his father. Dean continues relentlessly, “You tell Devon he is to bring you home now or you won’t be dating him ever again!” Dean grimaces. Although Roger’s voice cannot be heard, what he is saying right now can easily be inferred as very hurtful. “Say whatever you want, but if you are not home in the next ten minutes, I will drive there myself and drag you home.—Good. See you soon.” Blinking his eyes, Dean severs his connection with Roger. Turning to Geoffrey, he says, “He’ll be home soon.”

  “The Cattle Ranch Restaurant,” Frank says approvingly. “Devon really knows how to woo a guy!”

  Dean is not in the mood for any humor. “That’s enough out of you. Roger is too young to be dating. He’s in way over his head with that boy, Geoffrey. I’m worried about Roger out with the likes of him.”

  “The likes of him?” Frank is amused.

  “Yes,” Dean retorts, “the likes of him.” Angry he has to explain, “A player,” and shaking his head, worried, he clarifies, “That boy is sexually active, and I don’t want the likes of him…” Exasperated, Dean closes his eyes and breathes heavily, before concluding, “with our Roger.”

  “Well,” Frank laughs, “you managed to save him from the evil clutches of Devon Rankin for one more night.”

  Geoffrey intercedes by holding Dean’s hand while shushing his son. “That’s enough, Frank.” In an attempt to soothe his lover, Geoffrey adds, “We’ll have a chat with Roger as soon as he gets home.” Dean nods, though still disgruntled.

  Frank figures the timing is right to share his good news. Papa Dean will definitely revel in what he has to say. “Guess what happened in school today?” Dean is not listening. His eyes are focused on the kitchen entrance as he awaits their prodigal’s return. Geoffrey shows enough interest so Frank carries on. “Todd said he loved me today.”

  Geoffrey laughs. “That’s not news, son. We’ve always known that. Surely you’ve known all along, too!”

  “Well, yeah,” Frank agrees, “but the way he said it, well, this time it had meaning.” Dean’s focus has shifted and his eyes are now locked on Frank with intense interest. Frank smiles. He knew this news would make his Papa Dean happy. “Yeah, he said it’s going to be him and me someday. After we graduate, we’re going to register. We didn’t decide when or anything, just that it’s what we both want.”

  Dean clasps a hand to his mouth and closes his eyes while a few tears shed. Geoffrey reaches over; he runs his hand down Dean’s shoulder to his elbow and back up again to hold onto his lover’s hand. The two men clasp hands, and Dean, with his free hand, reaches over the table to clasp Frank’s.

  “Well, this is good news, son,” says Geoffrey, approving Frank’s choice.

  “Oh, Frank,” Dean says, “I am so happy.”

  “Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Papa Dean.” Sharing this news with his fathers, feeling the depth of their joy in his future happiness fills Frank with a sense of accomplishment and purpose.

  “I always knew Todd was the better choice for you,” Geoffrey adds approvingly. “I never did like all the different boys you kept bringing over here. It was obvious you were just biding your time with them.”

  “Well,” Dean says, now standing to clear his bowl from the table, “I, for one, am not going to miss that parade of young men.”

  Frank is confused. “What do you mean?”

  Geoffrey explains, “He just means it will be nice to see you settled with Todd instead of jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend like you’ve been doing for the past three years.”

  “But,” Frank is a little disconcerted, “Todd and I aren’t dating or anything. We’ve just agreed to commit—”

  Dean turns on Frank. “How can you commit to something as important as registration and not be dating? That’s marriage, Frank!” Dazed and amazed, Dean just stands there and stares at his son.

  “Dean asked you a question, Frank.” Geoffrey insists on resolution.

  When Frank fails to respond, Dean spins on his heels and throws his porcelain bowl into the sink, shattering it. Shaking in anger, Dean braces against the counter’s edge.

  “Dean,” says Geoffrey, standing and crossing over to his lover. “Calm yourself.” Eyeing the broken porcelain in the sink, he becomes critical, “that qualifies as waste.” Then he orders, “Clean that up.” Dean complies, still shaking with anger. Geoffrey, turning back to Frank, insists, “Explain yourself, son.”

  “Well—” befuddled, Frank searches his mind for an answer. He has never seen Papa Dean so angry, and it has him baffled. “We tried kissing today, but Todd said he wasn’t ready yet so—”

  Dean swirls around, “SEX!” Frank’s mouth drops open. Geoffrey closes his eyes and shakes his head. “That’s it, isn’t it?” Dean expostulates. “He’s not ready for sex, so you’re not going to date him.” Dean is snarling now. “Is that all you think defines a relationship between men—SEX? Has it ever occurred to you that ma
ybe, just maybe, two people can spend time together just talking, simply enjoy each other’s company, maybe cook a good meal together, shop, or read, or even just watch a vid on the wall screen? Is everything about SEX for you? A man is not just a cock and balls!”

  Frank smirks. “‘Cock and balls’—good one, Papa Dean.”

  “What?” Dean, no longer simmering, is boiling over. “Do you think I’m fucking around here? This is no joke!”

  Frank is stunned. Never once has he heard either father swear, let alone direct such language at him. Geoffrey, too, is incensed. “ENOUGH!” Gripping Dean’s arm, he begins to remonstrate. “Never use that kind of language against our boys!” Dean rips his arm away and turns his back on the scene. Although moved by Dean’s words and knowing the truth behind them, Geoffrey is compelled to put an end to this tirade against Frank. Dean’s words are by far too descriptive and harsh. “I mean it, Dean. The boy may be wrong,” says Geoffrey, throwing Frank a warning glance to let him know he has not been exonerated. “I know you’re upset, but that is unacceptable.”

  Exasperated beyond reason, Dean raises his hands in the air. “I’m sorry I swore, but…” Unable to finish, Dean clasps his hands into fists and releases them without reducing any of the tension. “Fine! You deal with him. I have to get out of here before I break something else.” Spinning around, refusing to look at either man, Dean exits the kitchen and storms down the hall to their bedroom.

  Geoffrey returns to his chair. “I understand why your Papa is angry, Frank.” Sighing, he begins, “I’d like to try to understand—” then squeezes his eyes shut and raises and tightens two open hands, “you.”

  “Dad,” Frank pleads, “Todd doesn’t want to date. He says dating means kissing, and kissing means petting, and petting means sex, and he’s not ready yet.”

  Tension begins to release, and although Geoffrey is not entirely satisfied, he can at least understand Todd’s perspective. “And you’re not willing to date him without all those things?”

  “I—” Frank doesn’t want to admit his father and Papa Dean are right. “That’s not it. Todd really doesn’t want to date yet. It’s his decision, Dad.” Desperate to feel exonerated in his parents’ eyes, Frank concludes, “I can’t make him date me, can I?”

  Geoffrey shakes his head. “No, Frank. I don’t suppose you can.” Will Dean understand? Geoffrey wonders.

  Almost as if he can read his father’s mind, Frank blurts out, “Papa Dean hates me now, doesn’t he?”

  “No, son,” Geoffrey reassures him. “He’s just…upset. And I guess…” he says, not wanting to berate his boy, “I guess he has some right to be.”

  “Why?” Frank is upset and bewildered.

  “Look, Frank.” Geoffrey leans forward, elbows on the table, hands clasped, looking over his knuckles at his son. “Papa Dean has more right than I do to lecture you on this subject.”

  “But, Dad,” Frank objects, “he doesn’t know what Todd wants.” Frustrated, Frank adds, “Todd doesn’t know what Todd wants—except that when he’s ready, it’ll be him and me. And that’s enough for me right now. If I push Todd any harder, I’ll lose him.”

  “I understand, son,” Geoffrey says, trying to respond judiciously. “But I think Papa Dean understands Todd a lot better than either you or me.”

  “How? I’ve known Todd my whole life. We’ve been best friends since before either of us can remember.” Frank is annoyed. He truly believes he is the only one who knows and understands the real Todd Middleton.

  “I was your Papa Dean’s first and only lover.”

  “I know,” says Frank, getting annoyed. “And I know Todd’s still a virgin.” One of the things Frank loves most about Todd is his chaste treasure, waiting to be granted to and enjoyed by only one lover. I will be that man, he reassures himself, but only when Todd’s ready!

  “Knowing is one thing, Frank. Understanding what that means to a man is an altogether different matter.” Rethinking his strategy, Geoffrey explains, “For some of us, sex comes easy. We’re luckier than most, I’d say. But for others, like Todd and Papa Dean, it really does take being in the right moment, in the right place, and with the right person. The building of trust required to bring him to that time and place with you is not so easily acquired as you think.” Geoffrey begins rubbing the crown of his nose, unsure whether he is getting through to Frank. “I was a lot like you when I was younger. I dated…” No, he reasons, now is not the time to equivocate. “I slept with a lot of different men.” Waving his hand to silence Frank, sharing an expression that clearly indicates this is no time for pretense, Geoffrey continues, “But that all changed when I met your Papa Dean. You see, I fell in love with him. He was young, frightened, alone, reaching out for help—perhaps, I think, like Todd was reaching out to you, today. Anyway, I was a lot older than you are now. I was twenty-six and you’re only sixteen. I guess time and a clearer view of the world gave me a better perspective.”

  “What do you mean?” Frank asks, truly wanting to understand. He really believes he and Todd are a lot like his dad and Papa Dean.

  Geoffrey chooses his words carefully. “Your Papa Dean was only seventeen when I met him, and like Todd, he wasn’t ready, but we had this connection.”

  “Yeah, yeah!” Frank agrees. “That’s exactly like Todd and me.”

  “Perhaps,” says Geoffrey, hoping for not exactly. “But your Papa Dean came to trust me over time. He knew that for me, he was the only one; that all those other men were behind me. You see, I never lied to Dean. I told him about my past flings.”

  Frank is getting excited. “Yeah, like Todd knows all about my boyfriends.”

  “Not quite, son. You see I was ready to give up that life in exchange for a true commitment, a real relationship with Dean. And Dean knew he could trust me.” Looking gravely into his son’s eyes, he asks, “Is Todd able to say the same about you?”

  Frank drops his head in dejection. “No, sir.” Looking up, miffed and mystified, he demands, “What is it you and Papa Dean want me to do?”

  “I can’t answer that, son. Only you can decide what is right for you at this time.”

  “No, Dad, you have to tell me!”

  “As much as you want me to solve this problem for you, I can’t. Your life is your own riddle, and only you can puzzle this one out.”

  “That’s no help at all.”

  “I’m sorry, son. You’re only sixteen, I know, and this is quite a heavy burden you have placed on yourself, but you do know the difference between right and wrong. Only you know the depth of your own personal commitment to Todd. Only you know how much you are ready to give of yourself at this time in life.” Shaking his head in wonder, he adds, “I doubt I could have given everything to just one man at your age, but then, I’m not you, and you’re not me.”

  “So, you’re not going to tell me what to do?”

  “No, son. I can’t choose your life for you.”

  Frank is both disappointed and relieved. Without thinking, Frank comes to his decision. “I have a date tonight with T’Neal.”

  “Do you plan on keeping it?” Geoffrey asks, trying hard to keep judgment out of his voice.

  “Yes.” After a brief pause, he asks, “May I borrow the bubble?”

  Geoffrey looks down at his bowl and picks at the last of the tofu chili. “Do you remember the command code?”

  “Yes.”

  “You going to finish eating?” Frank hasn’t touched any of his meal since Dean’s outburst.

  “No, sir, I’m not hungry.”

  “All right then,” Geoffrey nods. “You can go.”

  * * * * *

  After Frank departs, Geoffrey leaves the table cluttered with the dinner mess and retreats to the master bedroom. As Geoffrey suspected, Dean is sitting on the edge of their bed, slouched over with his head between his hands. Geoffrey’s first thought, involuntary but natural, is I sure married a handsome man. Dean is tall, thin with a classically sculptured face. His brown curly ha
ir is only now beginning to show the early stages of gray, and unlike for most men, is not thinning away. Before sitting next to Dean, Geoffrey takes a moment to control his sexual urges. Once in control, he begins lightly to rub Dean’s back. “Hey.”

  “So, what’s the verdict?” Dean does not look up, but directs the rhetorical question into his hands.

  Instead of responding, Geoffrey wraps his arms around Dean and pulls him in for a hug. “Come here.” Dean shudders, trying to hold back tears. “It’s all right,” Geoffrey replies. “Go ahead and cry. I know this is bringing back a lot of harsh memories.”

  After a long bout of tears, Dean changes the subject. “Our boys are all that I have.”

  Geoffrey smiles. “What about me?” he whispers soothingly. “You have me, too.”

  “That’s not what I mean,” Dean mutters. “I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise; it’s just, everything I had ever wanted out of life I couldn’t have.”

  Geoffrey closes his eyes. He knows what Dean is talking about. He often wonders how well he could have coped had he not been allowed to pursue a career in business.

  “Our boys are everything to me—my whole life—I love taking care of them—and it is fulfilling, but—I feel so useless sometimes—like I’m losing grip.”

  “That’s because they’re growing into men and we can’t hold onto them forever,” Geoffrey reasons.

  “I know. I know. But Roger is still so young. He’s only fourteen! That boy only wants one thing from him. And then Frank with Todd—oh, Geoffrey, I’m so worried about Todd. He’s too much like his father.”