The Clumsies Make a Mess of the Airport

by Sorrel Anderson

  ‘NOOOOOOO!’ Purvis, as the electric cart shot past check in, was waved through security and in the distance through the double doors to airside.

  watched the photographers and onlookers and then hurried back to the seat to find Allen and Ortrud. They were nowhere to be seen. He watched the people coming and going across the vast departure hall and was starting to feel lonely, and a little afraid, when Howard rushed up.

  ‘PURVIS!’ he shouted. ‘Thank goodness you’re all still… ’

  ‘I know,’ said Purvis, ‘I’m sorry: I don’t know where they are.’

  ‘But I said “wait here”,’ said Howard. ‘Why didn’t they wait?’

  ‘Mickey Thompson went to find his sombrero and I went to find Mickey Thompson, but he got through to airside on Bangy de Gamba’s electric cart and I didn’t know what to do,’ said Purvis, unhappily. ‘Then when I came back to find Allen and Ortrud they’d too.’

  ‘What cart?’ said Howard. ‘Was it some kind of novelty ride or something?’

  ‘No, it’s a proper cart with a driver and everything,’ said Purvis. ‘It jammed stuck on Mickey Thompson’s hat and she kept it as a lucky charm. She’s famous.’

  ‘Who is?’ said Howard.

  ‘Bangy de Gamba,’ said Purvis.

  ‘Who?’ said Howard.

  ‘You know,’ said Purvis, ‘the scientist from “Mega-Collider Five”. Mickey Thompson took a shine to her and the next thing I knew…’ Purvis made a gesture towards the double doors. ‘Gone,’ he said. ‘Where’s Mr Bullerton?’

  ‘Gone too, for now,’ said Howard. ‘I gave him the slip, but he’ll be around here somewhere so we need to be careful because—’

  ‘Listen,’ said Purvis.

  ‘I’m talking,’ said Howard. ‘We need to be careful because—’

  ‘They’re saying something about a dog,’ said Purvis, , as an announcement around the hall.

  ‘—og,’ it ended.

  ‘What did it say?’ What did it say?’ said Howard.

  ‘Come on!’ said Purvis, off.

  ‘WHERE ARE WE GOING?’ Howard, after him. ‘WAIT FOR MEEEEEE!’

  Purvis raced

  nipped through a gap between some suitcases and emerged in front of a door marked

  ‘Steady on,’ said a woman, as Howard crashed breathlessly into the cases and landed heavily on top of one. It was , and hard, and tartan.

  ‘Ouch,’ said Howard.

  ‘You’ve burst it,’ said the woman. ‘You’ve burst my bag.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Howard, trying to stuff some voluminous frilly back inside.

  ‘Let go,’ said the woman, grabbing them.

  ‘I’m trying to help,’ said Howard, grabbing them back. ‘I….’

  ‘You’ve them!’ the woman. ‘Help! Somebody help!’

  ‘What’s going on?’ said a familiar voice. It was Mr Bullerton.

  he .

  ‘Oh, hello again,’ said Howard, trying to sound friendly.

  ‘He burst my bag,’ said the woman. ‘He on top and burst it and now he’s ripping up my clothes.’

  ‘How dare you?’ said Mr Bullerton, in a voice.

  ‘I didn’t mean to,’ said Howard. ‘It was an accident.’

  ‘Put down this poor woman’s undergarments at once,’ said Mr Bullerton.

  ‘I don’t want them,’ said Howard, pushing them at the woman.

  ‘Nor do I, now,’ said the woman, pushing them back.

  ‘And I don’t want YOU,’ said Mr Bullerton. ‘GET BACK TO WORK.’ He jammed the on Howard’s head like a frilly hat and manhandled him over to the exit.

  Purvis winced, and slipped inside the Lost Property Office. He tiptoed past a man snoozing in a chair and, just as he’d hoped, found Allen, sprawled on a rug with a plate of biscuits, watching television. ‘Allen!’ said Purvis. ‘I…’ He stared at the screen.

  ‘Have you seen this film?’ said Allen. ‘It’s very exciting, the scientist is—’

  ‘Here! In this airport!’ said Purvis. ‘She’s got Mickey Thompson and we have to find him and get him back!’

  Allen dropped his biscuit. ‘But how? But why?’ he said. ‘I thought she was a goodie.’

  ‘It all happened because she liked Mickey Thompson’s sombrero,’ said Purvis. ‘Oh, Allen, what are we going to do?’

  ‘Don’t worry, we’ll think of something,’ said Allen. ‘ I know!’

  ‘What? What?’ said Purvis.

  ‘Let’s have a biscuit,’ said Allen, passing Purvis the plate.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Purvis, taking one. Allen took one too and nibbled it, worriedly.

  ‘Did I hear Mr Bullerton shouting again?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, he was with Howard for a bag and some—’ Purvis coughed and went a bit .

  ‘Some what?’ said Allen.

  Purvis. ‘He put them on Howard’s head and marched him off.’

  Allen choked on his biscuit and someone started hammering at the door.

  ‘I’ll go and see who it is,’ said Purvis, and he slid out of the Lost Property Office and found Howard waiting impatiently.

  ‘You’ve taken off your hat,’ said Purvis, .

  ‘Don’t push your luck,’ said Howard. ‘Is Allen in there?’

  ‘Yes, but I couldn’t see Ortrud. You’d better ask, just in case.’

  ‘I can’t,’ said Howard, ‘they’ll think I’ve gone completely— Hello!’

  ‘Hello,’ said the lost property man, emerging, and .

  ‘I’ve come to collect my dog,’ said Howard.

  ‘One moment,’ said the lost property man, and he and came back with Allen. ‘One dog,’ he said, handing him over. ‘ here, please.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Howard, .

  ‘Ask him,’ Purvis.

  ‘I can’t,’ Howard.

  ‘There’s no such word as can’t,’ said the lost property man, with a wink.

  ‘Right, OK,’ said Howard. ‘Well, I was just wondering whether anything else had been left here today.’

  ‘Lots,’ said the lost property man.

  ‘One wallet,

  one coat,

  one book,

  one shoe,

  nine umbrellas

  and a packet

  of sandwiches:

  liverwurst ones.

  They’re past the sell-by date.

  Want them?’

  ‘No, thank you,’ said Howard. ‘I was after something a little more—’

  ‘Tasty?’ said the lost property man.

  ‘Unusual,’ said Howard.

  ‘Liverwurst’s fairly unusual,’ said the lost property man.

  ‘I meant unusual as in more like an elephant,’ said Howard, trying to sound casual.

  ‘Not today,’ said the lost property man, cheerfully. ‘If you’d asked yesterday it would have been a different matter. We were crawling with elephants yesterday: pink ones, blue ones, some of them covered in .’ He laughed, loudly.

  ‘Yes, thank you,’ said Howard, bundling Allen and Purvis away.

  ‘What did he mean?’ asked Purvis.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Howard, ‘but I’m exhausted already and we haven’t even been on holiday yet. I told you he’d think I was odd to ask for an elephant.’

  ‘Never mind,’ said Purvis. ‘We’ve got Allen back and now we know Ortrud isn’t THERE! THERE!’

  ‘WHERE? ’ said Howard, nearly over balancing as something small and elephant-shaped shot past and

  ‘That wasn’t Ortrud,’ said Howard.

  ‘WATCH OUT! HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!’ Purvis.

  ‘Eek,’ said Howard, leaping out of the way as something else past.

  ‘That wasn’t her either,’ said Purvis. ‘That was a dinosaur, on wheels.’

  ‘What’s going on?’ groaned Howard, rubbing his head.

  ‘Ooh, I think I can see her,’ said Purvis, off. ‘Come on!’

  ‘Not again,’ groaned Howard, picking up Allen and after him.

  scoot
ling between feet and keeping an eye out for women with tartan cases.

  ‘Wait,’ panted Howard. ‘I can’t..........keep..........up.’

  Purvis to a halt.

  ‘We’re too late, anyway. Look,’ he said, pointing into the distance. They all stood and watched as the double doors to airside opened and in went a woman followed by a boy of about twelve followed by a girl of about nine followed by a boy of about six followed by a man of about forty pulling a girl of about three on a ride-on suitcase shaped like an elephant followed closely by Ortrud.

  ‘Clever Ortrud!’ said Purvis. ‘She disguised herself as a suitcase and got through.’

  ‘Two down, three to go,’ said Howard, pocketing Purvis and re-tucking Allen under his arm. ‘Come along,’ he said. ‘Our holiday beckons.’

  Purposefully, he marched up to the double doors and was immediately stopped by security.

  ‘Wave us through, please,’ said Howard.

  ‘Is this your dog, sir?’ said the security guard, looking at Allen.

  ‘This dog is a film star,’ said Howard, and Allen and Purvis . ‘He’s part of the entourage of Miss Bangy de Gamba.’

  ‘The scientist from “Mega-Collider Five”,’ said the security guard.

  ‘The very one,’ said Howard.

  ‘Through you go, then,’ said the security guard, and he stepped aside and stepped back again, quickly.

  ‘Just a minute,’ he said. ‘There was no dog in “Mega-Collider Five”.’

  ‘Are you sure about that?’ said Howard.

  ‘Completely: I’ve seen it nine times; it’s one of my favourites.’

  ‘I see,’ said Howard. ‘Well...’

  The security guard an eyebrow. ‘Well?’ he said.

  ‘Well…’ said Howard.

  ‘“Mega-Collider Six”,’ Purvis.

  said Howard. ‘Yes! Well, as you’re a fan you’ll be interested to learn that “Mega-Collider Six” will be even better than the other five because this dog’s going to be in it.’

  The security guard regarded Allen speculatively.

  ‘What part does he play?’ he asked. ‘I can’t see how a dog would fit with the story so far.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ said Howard. ‘Well…’

  The security guard his other eyebrow.

  ‘He chases the man in the mustard suit,’ Purvis.

  ‘Mustard suit?’ Howard.

  said the security guard. ‘He’s a stunt dog, is he?’

  Exactly,’ said Howard.

  ‘Thought he must be,’ said the security guard, sounding impressed. ‘Did you see the bit where mustard-suit man gets dangled out of a helicopter on a flimsy rope and plunges into shark-infested waters far beneath?’

  Allen gave a .

  ‘And the bit where he from the roof of a speeding train onto the roof of another speeding train and slips and catapults down a mountainside into a snake-filled ravine? Is that the kind of thing the dog’ll be doing?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ said Howard.

  Allen twisted around and gazed up at Howard with and worried- looking eyes.

  ‘Through you go then,’ said the security guard, waving them through the double doors to airside.

  ‘Marvellous,’ Howard.

  ‘We made it!’ Purvis.

  ‘I’ll radio Miss de Gamba’s team and let them know you’re coming,’ called the security guard, un-clipping his walkie-talkie.

  ‘NO!’ shouted Howard. ‘DON’T DO THAT!’

  But the double doors had already clunked shut behind them.

  They found themselves in a bright space filled with busy shops and people milling about and buying things.

  ‘Purvis,’ Allen.

  said Purvis, gazing around. ‘This isn’t what I was expecting.’

  ‘What were you expecting?’ said Howard.

  ‘I can’t see him,’ said Howard.

  ‘Under there,’ said Purvis, pointing at a cardboard sweet dangling from the ceiling, with the words

  written on it. Under the cardboard sweet was a stall selling all sorts of real sweets and underneath that stood Mickey Thompson, looking hungry. He when he heard his name and gave a genial wave.

  ‘Hello, there,’ he said, strolling over. ‘Howard, can we get some of those big red ones please and some chewy bananas, some white chocolate buttons, err, two or three of those stripey ones there and maybe some—’

  ‘Where have you been?’ interrupted Howard. ‘You mustn’t run off like that.’

  ‘I didn’t, I rode on a cart. It was brilliant! I’ve been in there.’

  He pointed at a smart-looking door with a smart-looking that said: “BRABAZON LOUNGE”.

  ‘It’s all sort of… golden,’ he said, ‘There are armchairs and flowers and a swimming pool with a fountain, and mermaids, and waiters walking about with plates of strawberry tarts.’

  ‘No!’ said Purvis.

  ‘Yes!’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Can I see?’ said Purvis.

  ‘I’ll show you, come on,’ said Mickey Thompson, off.

  ‘STOP!’

  Howard, and Mickey Thompson back again.

  ‘Look at the sign,’ said Howard. ‘That lounge is for

  That’s not us.’

  ‘But Howard,’ said Purvis.

  ‘But nothing,’ said Howard.

  ‘But Bangy de Gamba says…’

  ‘Never mind her,’ said Howard, checking his watch. ‘We’re supposed to set off in less than an hour and we don’t want any more mishaps, do we?’

  ‘No, Howard,’ said the mice.

  ‘No, Howard,’ agreed Howard. ‘Let’s aim to avoid film stars and bosses.’

  ‘And tartan suitcases,’ Purvis.

  ‘Quite,’ said Howard. ‘All we need to do now is find Ortrud and go away on holiday.’ ‘,’ said Mickey Thompson, and breathing deeply.

  ‘Ortrud’s in the BRABAZON LOUNGE, by the way.’

  ‘Oh no,’ groaned Howard.

  ‘Oh good,’ said Purvis, off. ‘I’ll get her, shall I?’

  ‘STOP!’

  Howard.

  Purvis came back again, reluctantly.

  ‘It’s OK, Howard,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘Bangy de Gamba says—’

  ‘Shush,’ said Howard.

  ‘LOOK OUT!’ Purvis, and the mice and Allen dived behind Howard just in time as Mr Bullerton loomed up.

  ‘SO!’ said Mr Bullerton. ‘You’ve done it this time.’

  ‘What have I done?’ said Howard.

  Mr Bullerton took a piece of paper from his pocket, cleared his throat and began to read:

  ‘Press Release,’ (he read).

  ‘Mega-Collider Miss narrowly misses mega-collision!

  Miss Bangy de Gamba, star of the phenomenally popular Mega-Collider movies, was involved in a shocking incident at the airport today when someone kicked a toy sombrero at her, violently. Miraculously, she was unharmed, but the airport authorities are seeking the culprit and offering a reward for information.’

  ‘I saw you kick that hat and I’m going to hand you in,’ said Mr Bullerton. ‘No holiday for you, Howard Armitage. What have you got to say about that?’

  ‘BRABAZON LOUNGE!’ Howard.

  said Mr Bullerton, but he was too late: Howard and the mice and Allen had already bundled at top speed over to the smart-looking door and were scrabbling at it, frenziedly.

  ‘WHAT

  DO YOU

  THINK

  YOU’RE

  DOING?’

  shouted Mr Bullerton.

  ‘YOU

  CAN’T

  GO

  IN

  THERE.’

  ‘Watch me,’ said Howard. He yanked the door open and they all rushed inside.

  ‘This way!’ Mickey Thompson, racing off, so they all raced after him past armchairs and mermaids and flowers and fountains and bumped straight into the tartan-suitcase woman, knocking her into the pool.

  ‘So sorry,’ called Howard as they thundered past
hotly.

  ‘STOP HIM!’ the woman as she struggled out, wetly. ‘THAT’S THE ONE WHO TRIED TO STEAL MY .’

  ‘Did he indeed?’ said the security guard, leaping out from a doorway. It’s you!’

  ‘It isn’t,’ said Howard.

  ‘It is,’ said the security guard.

  said everyone else as Howard over an elephant-suitcase and upset several trays of strawberry tarts.

  ‘Back the other way!’ Mickey Thompson, racing off again, so they all raced after him past fountains and flowers and mermaids and armchairs and bumped straight into Mr Bullerton.

  he said, grabbing Howard’s wrist. ‘I have you now.’

  oward himself free from Mr Bullerton’s grip and

  ‘RUN!’

  so they ran, straight up a wide white corridor into a coffee shop and out again, scattering cup-cakes and flecks of foam.

  Veering wildly from left to right they crashed through bookshops and clothes shops and bag

  shops and shoe shops, smashed several bottles in the perfume emporium and, heady with musk and bluebells, swerved down a different corridor and crashed through that too.

  Mr Bullerton, closely.

  said everyone, scaredly, and they dived in the nearest doorway marked “LADIES”, shot back out and continued down the corridor, under a bridge, up some stairs and burst through a door into a silent room with a giant map of the world, all blues and greens and with hundreds and thousands of tiny lights. Purvis stopped.

  he said.

  ‘DON’T

  STOP!’

  Howard and they all set off again out of the room, down a ramp, through a tunnel and outside onto a flat and windy piece of land.

  ‘I think we’ve managed to lose him,’ Howard.

  ‘Good, then let’s go back in,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘There was something in one of those shops I needed to look at.’

  ‘And somehow we need to fetch Ortrud,’ puffed Howard.