Vein Fire

by Adams, Lucia

  “I don’t know.” Jared laughed as only someone lost in the whirlpool of their own joke could.

  “Did anyone come out?”

  “I didn’t stick around to find out; I drove away.”

  “You were in a car? Who was driving?”

  Jared wrinkled out a flat, smug smile. “Hannah let me take her car.”

  “You used Hannah’s car? Are you kidding me? Why would you do something so stupid?”

  “What do you mean?”

  What if someone saw her car? They’ll go after her for revenge.”

  “Relax, relax—no one saw me.”

  “Did you use gloves?”

  “What for?”

  “So you don’t leave your fingerprints on the bottle.”

  “Why would I worry about it? All of the evidence is burned.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure it is.” Matt didn’t want to share in Jared’s pleasure, but he was not indifferent to his stupidity. Carelessness could be a carefully crafted key to Jared’s downfall. Matt did not offer advice, but sat and listened.

  Fascination with fire was something neither Jared nor Matt had. These things were explored between them, at length, during their stay at Oakmont. They had swam in all areas of deviancy, exchanging what they enjoyed and what they couldn’t be bothered with. Matt knew Jared as well as he knew himself. He didn’t need to tell him what his intentions were—the story was a well worn path they’d both traveled together—one as the story teller, the other as witness. What Jared had in store for Hannah wasn’t pretty unless one liked a canvas of crushed bones and internal injuries. She would not live if she could not fly. Matt knew this; Jared did not. A large part of Jared believed she would fly. Matt understood that Hannah, like every other human, could not fly.

  The most important unasked question was: Would Matt help Hannah? He could not answer this. Part of him wanted to be a hero—Hannah’s hero, but another part was indifferent. Lover and love-her were two different words. What panged beneath him, where a soul should have rested, was a need for her which no other could fill.

  Matt cut Jared off, “So are you telling Hannah what you’ve done?”

  “Pfft, of course I am. She’ll be mine before the week is out.”

  “You firebombed a house to get laid?” Matt asked in disbelief.

  “No. It’s all part of my agenda.” Jared’s voice was clear and confident.

  Matt entertained Jared with such questions so he wouldn’t suspect he knew him as well as he did. “Cool.”

  Cool as grass under a dead body. Cool as an unused cook spoon. Cool as Jared. Matt had heard enough. “Listen, man. The other Hannah’s coming over, so do you mind leaving? She went home to shower and when she gets back, we’re going out.”

  Jared looked at Matt, but didn’t indicate that the last sentence registered with him. “You’ve acted like a good friend, Matt. I want you to know that after this is all over with, you’ll have nothing to worry about—I mean in terms of the stuff that happened at the hospital.”

  This was a test Matt intended to pass. “Thanks. I appreciate this. Anything you need, just ask.”

  “She’s the one, Matt. I can feel it this time. I was drawn to her—even from your stories—and honestly, you weren’t too nice about her. But, she’s special. There’s something about her. I couldn’t stay away from her, even if I tried. Do you know what I mean?”

  He did. Matt and Jared were twins of a sort—like two wings of a butterfly, opposite mirrors with their contrasting dark and light appearances and both with paradoxical loves of a girl they persistently destroyed. The river of Hannah penetrated both of them. He kept denying it, but it was there. “I kind of know what you mean.”

  “You don’t hide it very well.” Jared shook his head and smiled, looking up at Matt. “Who do you think you’re fooling?”

  Matt squinted his eyes. “What?”

  “You heard me. You think I don’t know? You take pieces of her every chance you get. You know the deal—you need to stay away from her. I’m not giving you any opportunity to fuck with the plan. And if you fuck with me…” Jared laughed. “…and if you fuck with me, I will gut you on the middle of your fucking living room carpet while you sleep.” Jared was stoic and solid when he spoke. “I know you as well as I know myself. If I find out you’re interfering, I’ll make you wish you hadn’t.”

  Matt didn’t speak. He held his gaze on Jared. He was a crazy fuck, and very, very clever, but Matt would not let him have Hannah simply because he thought she could fly, and he would not keep her because he liked to watch her break.

  “Do you know I was at the emergency room with her?”

  Matt sat up, “You were? What the fuck happened?” His brow was furrowed and his stomach contracted from being anxious.

  “She broke her arm.”

  “How did she break her arm?” Matt shook his head in confusion.

  “She threw herself down the stairs. I found her just after she had done it.”

  “Why the fuck did she do that?”

  “Think about it, Matt. You’ve done a hell of a job fucking her up.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  Jared stood and picked up his backpack. “We are different, you know. You tried to destroy her. You put drugs up her nose and into her veins. I love her. I want to set her free. You could never do that. You aren’t capable.”

  In the quiet after Jared left, Matt considered the truth in what he had said. Saving Hannah might mean the end of him, but their story would come full circle.

  CHAPTER 30

  Happy Places

  Hannah had chosen a black arm cast. Everything she wore was black anyway, so it only made sense to her. Jared told her he was pleased with her color choice since she was his little blackbird. She liked the nickname he had given her, but once in awhile, his mannerisms and the things he said creeped her out. She tried to go back over it in her head, but it was no use; she had trouble remembering things lately. Her pill habit had become a constant, but she was functionally high as long as she didn’t overdo it.

  After some thought, Hannah knew she was content with her broken arm. The unrelenting throbbing and aching was a nice chiming reminder of what a bad person she was. If they weren’t lessons to be learned, at least they were lessons to be taught. She would seal herself in an envelope if she could, but even then, she’d find a cooperative seam she could maneuver paper cuts out of.

  Nothing satisfied her like punishing herself. Just as people escaped to their happy place, Hannah escaped to her safe place. Visualizing it made her cut less and it tucked her need into bed when it was necessary to keep it contained. Closing her eyes in the fragility of quietness, Hannah pictured herself sitting on the floor in a barren padded room. The walls, floor, and ceiling offered the same cushy white sterility. Before her was a brown cloth tool roll tied closed. Once she untied it, she unrolled the cloth to show a yard of pockets with treasures tucked inside—hand saws, scalpels, butcher knives, boning knives, scissors, a small hand axe—everything a girl like her might need. She would choose her tool and begin her work.

  In her mind, the skin split smoothly; peach flesh erupted into red fissures with the slightest touch from the sharpest of her tools. All of them were sharp, and all of them sang to her. Their allure was shiny and offered her a peace she only knew in their presence. Hannah was much bolder in her fantasy. She took great liberties at trying to hack off her leg in her mind. In real life, she was not so eager to remove a limb. Her imagination held her hand like a childhood friend and led her down gruesome paths. It helped. Hannah didn’t cut herself when she concentrated on these things in her head; it filled the need.

  *

  Jared kept a newspaper tucked up under his arm for the first few minutes he was inside of Hannah’s apartment. After they sat down, he uncurled it and offered her a view of the front page. Her face scrunched up in confusion as she read the first story…a home…a fire…a total loss. She never smiled so broadly—with co
mplete and utter happiness.

  “Is that—ahh…”

  “Yes…it is,” Jared said with a hint of craziness.

  “And did you…”

  Jared smiled, “Mmmhmm…”

  Hannah threw her arms around his neck, cautious not to hit him with her cast. “No one’s ever done anything like this for me before.”

  She buried her face into his chest. It was the first time she realized he was an entire head taller than her. Hannah enjoyed him holding her. This was one of the few moments in her life that she was held without having to exchange it for the things her body could do to another’s. It made her flush—almost as if champagne bubbles traveled up her spine. Hannah was a celebration inside the walls of her skin. Jared made her very happy—a feeling she was only just beginning to explore.

  Jared pulled back from Hannah a few inches so he could look at her face while he stroked her hair downward alongside her cheek. With the softest movement, his cautious lips moved in and kissed her mouth. Hannah began to feel as though she would liquefy. Jared trembled, as if he was scared, but kissed her skillfully.

  When he pulled away, she spoke; her voice cracked at the edges, “I think we should do something special to mark the occasion.”

  Jared’s eyes were intent on Hannah’s mouth, “You do?”

  Her left eyebrow arched and she bit her bottom lip as she shook her head. “Tomorrow; it will be special.” Hannah felt Jared move against her leg. She smiled at him and giggled. “I promise it is a proper thank you.” Leaning to meet his partially open lips, she kissed him again before pulling back, “We have to get going—remember—my parents are having us over for dinner?”

  Jared’s words were a loosely formed whisper, “I remember.”

  *

  Jared kept his palm down on the top of Hannah’s thigh as she drove. Every few miles, he’d softly rub one of his fingers over the fabric of her skirt and Hannah would smile. It took nearly twenty five minutes to get to Hannah’s parents’ house. Jared told Hannah about his own mother, and how he adored her. This made Hannah feel more at ease with him. Disclosing his past made her solidify him more as a normal person than she had before—questions which had formed in her mind began to dissolve as he spoke of his pet cat and his favorite places to walk in the woods.

  “Hey—do you think you can take me for a walk around your parents’ house today? I’d like to explore a little bit.”

  “I’d love to. We can even take bikes and ride up the road. I used to do it nearly every day when I was a kid.”

  “It sounds perfect.”

  Hannah hadn’t fully parked the car when Lorri ran up to them, “Guess what mom and dad bought me? It’s in the back yard. You have to come see. C’mon! Come see…hurry!” Lorri grabbed Jared’s hand and pulled as he laughed, shrugging at Hannah before following Lorri.

  Lorri ran ahead, disappearing around the corner of the house. When they caught up to her, she was already jumping on a large, round, blue and black trampoline in the back yard.

  “Look at me!” Lorri fluttered into the air with her toes pointed down and her little arms out at her sides. She sprang back into the air after each time she landed. “ C’mon, Hannah, you have to try.”

  Hannah moved her arm from behind her back as she approached, waving her cast in the air, “Can’t, kiddo.”

  Lorri stopped jumping, coming to a bouncy stop. “What happened?”

  “Oh, I just slipped getting out of the shower.”

  Lorri frowned and wrinkled her forehead downward. “That’s what you said last time.”

  Hannah laughed it off, “Okay, I’ll jump with you if you show me how.”

  The smile returned to Lorri’s face and she began jumping again, only pausing for Hannah to cautiously climb onto the bowing surface. “I won’t jump until you’re ready.”

  “Thanks.” Hannah rose on shaky legs. “I’m glad mom made you put shorts on under your dress—it flies up when you’re airborne.”

  “It was my idea, not hers.”

  “Good thinking, sis.” Hannah bounced slightly on the trampoline’s surface. “Now what?”

  “At the count of three, we’ll jump together; just don’t jump too hard because of your arm. Ready? Wait—Jared, are you going to watch us?”

  “I’m beside myself with excitement. I won’t move from this spot—I promise you.” Jared beamed.

  Lorri smiled, “Good! Okay. Ready? One—two—three! Jump!”

  Hannah and Lorri laughed at their first jump, but as their pushing propelled them upward, they locked their hands together for stability and jumped higher. Hannah peeked at Jared—he had an expression of awe on his face. She smiled at him, but to her, it seemed as though he was lost in the depths of an untouchable, happy thought.

  Their mother emerged from the house and waved. Her smile fell as she approached the trampoline, “Hannah, what happened to your arm?”

  “It’s a small break—no big deal.” The smile dropped from Hannah’s face and she stopped jumping. “Do you need help with dinner?”

  “No, everything’s nearly ready; your father is lighting the grill in a few minutes.” She looked at Jared, “Nice of you to come! Can I get you anything to drink?”

  Hannah climbed down off of the trampoline, “Nah, we’re going to go for a quick bike ride up the road.”

  “Can you do that with your arm in a cast?” Her mother frowned.

  “Yes! I can ride with one hand, I think.”

  “Okay, but we’ll be eating in about half an hour, so make sure you’re back or it’ll be cold.”

  “We will!” Hannah started walking towards the garage.

  “Hey, can I come?” Lorri called after them.

  “Not this time, but the next ride we take you can.”

  Hannah opened the side door, stepped into the garage, reached around the corner, and hit the button so the garage door rose. She got on her sister’s bike—although slightly too small for her, and told Jared he could ride hers. After he mounted the bike, the two kicked off down the driveway, traveling up the nearly abandoned road where Hannah used to ride her bike with her childhood playmates. As they passed Olivia’s house, Hannah noticed they had erected a swing set already, anticipating the need for one in a few years.

  Jared didn’t speak, but crisscrossed in front of Hannah’s bike, weaving in and out of her path. It was almost hypnotic and Hannah, carefully balanced with her one good arm, watched him with interest. Their biking patterns were like a tapestry-song; she thought it was lovely. When they reached the salvage yard, she could see Jared’s eyes darting over the building and she wondered if he knew what had happened to her there. They were both quiet as Hannah peddled faster, entering the graveyard.

  “This place is kind of cool. The headstones are mostly for little kids. We think it must have been from the Spanish Flu.”

  “Wow. That is interesting.” Jared stopped and put his bike down and leaned over a headstone to read the washed out lettering.

  “I used to come here to play with the neighbor kids when I was young.”

  “You didn’t mind hanging out in a graveyard?”

  “Nah, we played hide and seek a lot here.”

  “But there’s no place to hide.”

  “Sure, there are lots of places. All of the trees at the border of the graveyard were up for grabs. See the big oak tree in the corner?” Hannah pointed to the far corner of the clearing. “I used to climb that tree and watch everyone. No one ever found me there.”

  “Huh,” Jared said lazily, “you don’t say. What if I chased you now? Would you let me catch you?” His voice was smooth, almost in a drawl.

  “You can try.” Hannah took off running in the cemetery, dodging head stones and divots in the ground. Jared started pursuing her. Within a few seconds, he caught up with her and looped an arm around her waist, sweeping her against him as he spun her around, her feet bent upwards into an angle.

  “Try?” He laughed and kissed her while his panting chest s
ighed in and out quickly. Hannah kissed him back. It was the single best moment she’d ever had in the graveyard.

  CHAPTER 31

  Vessel

  Jared reminded Hannah he was a virgin and she seemed to like that. She chirped up a shy giggle as she said she’d take care of him. They discussed it, and agreed to wait until her arm healed more. They filled two weeks with intense make-out sessions and dates, but all of that time, he was consumed with learning her. He wasn’t nervous about being a good lover because the nurse had taught him well. Years before, he had watched his mother brought to orgasm enough times that he knew what to do. Someone like Jared made imitation an art. He laughed when others laughed and he smiled when they smiled. He thought he pulled off ‘normal’ better than most crazy people.

  That night, he had dinner with his housemates at the group home. They served green beans and he ate each one singularly, relishing the squish and the buttery flavor. He chewed them with his front teeth in a peculiar way while his thoughts drifted to Hannah. Over and over again, his mind reran the plan of what he was going to do to her.

  After dinner, he gladly completed his chore—sweeping the kitchen floor—before taking a shower and departing for her house. For days, the two had flirted about the night. Hannah listened to the specific details of what Jared wanted her to do as he fucked her. Through repetition and charm, he convinced her that his plan must be followed specifically in order to ensure the best experience for them both. She shyly agreed, but he expected nothing less from her. Hannah liked to please, and consenting to follow his plan was the easiest way for her to do so.

  When she answered the door, he knew she was ready. Hanging loosely, her hair was as he had requested. She wore her white silk robe with pink piping. Faint lipstick and sparingly applied mascara were the only things on her face. Jared hadn’t instructed her on what make-up to wear, but he didn’t like it. He smeared her lipstick across her face with his palm and told her to scrub it all off with very hot water and bar soap. Skye stared at him as he waited outside of the bathroom door for her to finish. Emerging with pink, scrubbed skin, he led her into the bedroom.