Big O's

by M. S. Parker

  A breath escaped me as I stared at her, saying words that resonated inside me in ways I couldn’t explain. He cared.

  “I can’t be with guys,” I blurted out, the words escaping me in a rush, squeezing out of a throat gone tight. “I’m not…I’m not normal. Not like that.”

  Michelle’s eyes widened, then softened. I tensed as she leaned in and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Honey, don’t say that. You damn well are normal.”

  She didn’t push for details, but I felt an odd need to talk. Shooting a look toward the door where I could hear Jake moving around, I bit my lip and finally met her eyes once more. “But I’m not,” I whispered. “I’ve gone out with guys, tried to be with them. There was this one…Michelle, I really liked him, and we went out, and I thought things were going to be fine, but he touched me and…”

  She caught my hands before I could vault up off the couch.

  She quirked up a brow. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe he was doing things wrong?” I opened my mouth, then closed it. “Is that a no?” she asked gently. When I didn’t answer, she squeezed my fingers gently. “It’s a two-party thing, sweetheart. If you weren’t ready and he was trying to push you, then that’s on him. A good guy knows when it’s time and when the woman isn’t quite ready.”

  I thought about Kane and how he had been able to make me feel, and without realizing it, I started to smile.

  “What?” Michelle asked.

  I blinked at her, confused. “What what?”

  “That smile.” She pointed at me, her eyes narrowed. “That’s…what’s with that smile?”

  “I…” Biting my lip, I squirmed uncomfortably on the couch and glanced around, but there wasn’t a polite escape route, and part of me wanted to talk about this – what if it wasn’t me? “There was this one guy. He…um…well. I felt almost normal with him.”

  “Almost normal?” Michelle quoted. “As in…he turned you on?”

  Blood rushed to my face, and I cursed my pale complexion, the bane of many a redhead. “Um…”

  “He did more, didn’t he?” Michelle’s face lit with a grin, and she huddled in closer like we were sharing secrets. “See! I told you it wasn’t you! Who is it? It happened here? In New York?”

  “Ah…yeah.” Shrugging, I said, “It’s just this guy I know.” I hedged away from sharing just who it was. I didn’t know how either of them would feel if they knew there might be something between Kane and me. Were there rules to this family thing? Yet another thing I didn’t know.

  “Are you dating?” she asked, eyes rounding.

  “No!” I blurted it out without thinking how it sounded. Trying to cover my embarrassment, I added, “We just met. I mean…oh, shit. That sounds even worse.”

  “Honey…” Laughing, Michelle leaned over and hugged me. “If he’s helping you get over some bad experiences, then you need to go after him. He’s probably good for you.” She shrugged and glanced back over her shoulder. “Jake was good for me.”

  As if on cue, Jake called for Michelle, and she grimaced. “That’s my cue.” She stood up but held out a hand.

  “What?” I asked warily.

  “You’re coming with me,” she announced calmly. “I don’t want you bolting when you start thinking about the fact that you opened up and suddenly get embarrassed.”

  “I…” Abruptly, it hit me what I’d been talking about – and with who. Shooting a look at the door, I thought about doing just what she mentioned.

  Bolting.

  But she stood there, hand outstretched and eyes patient.

  She had trusted me enough to talk.

  Maybe the girl-guy thing wasn’t the only thing that was two-party.

  Slowly, I put my hand in hers and let her help me get to my feet.

  She looped our arms together. “It’s nice having a girl to talk to about this,” she said, leaning her head in closer to mine. “It’s not something you talk about with just the casual friend, you know? But you and me…Raye, it’s almost like we’re sisters.”

  That didn’t really hit me until I sat down.

  And then, I felt a little dazed over what she’d just said.

  Almost like we’re sisters.

  And…

  It’s nice having a girl to talk to about this.

  That was something I’d never had.

  And it was something I was starting to realize I desperately needed.

  18

  Kane

  “Hand me that wrench – no. That’s not a wrench…to the left. Yep.” I smiled at Austen as he turned the tool over and got back to work on the car that had come in late in the afternoon.

  Mom had asked if I’d mind letting him come over and help at the shop on Fridays and the weekends, trying to keep him out of trouble. I didn’t mind, per se, but he wanted a job. One that paid. And he knew jackshit about cars.

  So far, he hadn’t been able to help with much except empty garbage and clean up my messes.

  Of course, that was shit I hadn’t had to do, so maybe it would work out, and I could always teach him.

  It wasn’t like I’d been born knowing one end of the engine from the other.

  “Come over here and watch what I’m doing,” I told him, moving over so he’d have room on the ground next to me.

  “You get filthy doing this,” Austen complained, but he sat down anyway.

  “That’s why I told you to wear old clothes.”

  We worked in companionable enough silence – or rather, I worked, and he watched, asking questions from time to time. I pointed things out that made sense to point out, and after a few more minutes, I turned over the wrench to him. “You do the last few, okay?”

  He gave me a panicked look. “What if I mess it up?”

  Rolling my eyes, I said, “That would be hard. Just do those four, right there.” I pointed and made sure he saw, then rose.

  As I headed over to the work table to grab my water, I heard the buzzer in the back.

  Frowning, I checked the time, then went to go look. I had a hope it was Raye, but I wasn’t really expecting it to be. After the way she’d run out, I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again. It wasn’t like I could call Jake and ask for her number, either. He’d punch my teeth out.

  Running my tongue over said teeth, I peered through the small square of glass that served as a window and had to bite back a scowl at the sight of the woman on the other side.

  Opening the door, I frowned down at Calie. “It’s not a good time, Calie. I’m busy.”

  She touched her tongue to her lips. “We don’t need that much time. We can be fast, baby. Or I could wait until you’re free.”

  She slid past me before I could shut the door and I turned, glaring at her.

  “I said it wasn’t a good time. That doesn’t mean come inside.”

  She shot me a flirtatious look over her shoulder as she sauntered over to one of the cars, then leaned against it. Despite the cold, she wore a denim skirt that barely covered her butt and boots that went up a few inches over her thighs. As she adjusted her stance against the car, it was pretty obvious she wasn’t wearing panties either.

  Yet there was no interest for me. None at all.

  “You’re all work and no play anymore, Kane,” she said with a heavy sigh. Shaking her head, she wagged a finger at me. “That’s not good for you. How about you come over here…” She spread her legs, forcing the short excuse for a skirt up. “And play with me for a little while? Burn off some of that stress?”

  “I’m not stressed.” At least I hadn’t been until she showed up. Thinking of my kid brother on the other side of the car, I took a step toward her and jutted my chin toward the door. “I’m busy. You need to go.”

  “Aw, Kane…you’re no fun.” She came toward me and hooked her arms around my neck.

  I didn’t even want to think about what that did to the skirt.

  Through her thin sweater, I could feel the weight of her breasts, but still, nothing even remotely interes
ted stirred in me. As a matter of fact, I found myself thinking of Raye with her nervous eyes and sweet mouth. She was a far cry from Calie.

  “Let’s have some fun together, you and me, Kane,” Calie whispered, going to press her lips to my mouth.

  I jerked my head back, fisting my hand in her hair to keep her from trying to kiss me again.

  “Ooohhh… you wanna play it rough?” Her eyes sparked. She grabbed my other hand and tried to shove it between her thighs. “Play rough. Make it hurt, sweetie. I love it.”

  Pissed off now, I set her away from me and put a few inches between us – then made it a few feet. “I said no.”

  Then I caught sight of my brother who had come out from behind the car we’d been working on. Swearing, I passed a hand over my eyes.

  Calie caught sight of where I was looking at she turned. With one hand, she tugged at the hem of her skirt as she smoothed her hair back with the other. “Oh, hi there, honey. Kane, why didn’t you say you had company?” She gave Austen a blinding smile. “Oh, he must be one of your brothers. He looks like you. Aren’t you a cutie.”

  She walked over to him, holding out a hand.

  Austen took it out of courtesy, manners being something Mom had drilled into all of us.

  “Hello,” he said. His voice hitched on the word, and I could tell he was having a hard time keeping his eyes on her face.

  But I applauded the effort. Calie had dolled herself up to look like a walking advertisement for sex.

  My seventeen-year-old brother was already under the thrall of teenage hormones. A beautiful woman in a crotch length skirt with her boobs straining against the tight fit of her sweater was probably enough to feed his dreams for weeks.

  “Calie,” I said in a low voice.

  She turned finally, and something she saw on my face must have cut through whatever fog she was in because her face sobered. “Fine,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “Call me later?”

  “No.”

  She opened her mouth, probably to argue, but I just pointed at the door.

  Once she was gone, Austen looked at me with a giant grin on his face. “Is she your girlfriend?”

  “No.” I went over to the door and locked it. I doubted she’d come back, but I didn’t want to chance it either. “She’s trouble. Do me a favor, and if you see her again, go the other way.”

  “Aw, come on, man.” He laughed. “How much trouble can a girl be if she wants to get in your pants?”

  “You’d be surprised.”

  We got back to work on the car, and I braced myself for more questions about Calie, but none came, thankfully.

  I brooded as I showed Austen more about the car, half my mind on Calie and what had just happened.

  What had I ever seen in her anyway?

  19

  Raye

  Give it a chance.

  Michelle thought I should give things with Kane a chance – not that she knew it was Kane I’d been with.

  It could be good for me.

  I’d had a glass of wine before I went to bed last night, and that, combined with my lack of sleep during the past week, had put me out like a light. I slept so hard that when seven rolled around, I woke up clearer and feeling more refreshed than I had in days.

  Because of that, I was able to do something I hadn’t been able to do all week – think.

  I pushed aside my nerves over seeing Chad. He hadn’t been back, and it was possible he hadn’t even recognized me, so maybe him being in the store was just a fluke. Him being in New York could have just been a fluke for all I knew.

  I pushed aside my nerves over the idea of a relationship, because I didn’t even want that.

  I wanted to feel normal, and if Michelle was right, maybe Kane was the guy to help me find that.

  That, to me, was more important than a relationship.

  Maybe I wouldn’t have to freak out the next time some good-looking guy at a bar asked me out. Maybe I wouldn’t have to stammer out a reply the next time somebody asked me to dance.

  Even if a dance was all it was, it was something I hadn’t been able to enjoy in a while. A long while.

  If it was an invitation to a date, something I could maybe say yes to?

  Even better.

  But none of that could happen until I stopped feeling like such a freak.

  So that was why I found myself knocking on Kane’s door Saturday night. I hadn’t worn the sort of clothes he’d told me to wear for working out. No, I’d put on a pair of skinny jeans, low boots with a chunky heel and a close-fitting sweater the same color as my eyes.

  It wasn’t an outright sexy outfit, but it was a pretty one, and the blue did great things for my figure without being outright blatant about anything.

  Under my clothes, I wore one of the prettiest sets of lingerie I’d ever bought from the boutique where I worked. The bra was midnight blue, a few shades darker than my sweater, made of real silk and the softest lace ever. The panties were the same lacy design with a tiny silk bow on the front. Just putting it on made me feel sexy, and for the first time in a long time, I had some hope that maybe the lingerie wasn’t a wasted effort.

  I’d also worn make-up. I knew how to put it on – it was practically a requirement for working at a boutique store on Times Square. Looking sleek and modern and glamorous was part of the job description, something I could only attain with make-up and skyscraper heels, thanks to my petite stature.

  But I rarely wore it outside of work.

  And I hadn’t worn makeup for a guy since college.

  Tonight, though, I was going all out.

  Tonight, I was going to reach for something I hadn’t thought to hope was possible.

  Maybe I could be normal…

  Maybe.

  Trying not to let my hands shake, I smoothed my hair back, then went to knock on the door.

  He didn’t answer at first, even though the lights in his apartment were on and the truck that was always parked out back was in its customary spot. I suspected it was his – it had a sign noted on the brick wall right in front of where it was at – reserved. Nobody kept a parking space in the city unless they were using it. Considering how many stores were around here and how much a parking space could go for, even tucked here back behind a garage, he had to be using that space.

  I knocked again, trying not to let my nerves rise out of control again as the waiting drew out.

  Just as I was about to give up hope, the door opened, and Kane appeared on the other side.

  A grin curled his lips as he pushed the door open more completely and stepped aside. “Come on in. I wasn’t expecting you today.”

  “Am I interrupting anything?” I had debated about calling, but talking to him beforehand just would have made me nervous, so I’d taken a chance that he didn’t have a date.

  Or a girlfriend – what if he had a girlfriend?

  Oh, shit.

  I hadn’t even thought about that.

  He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, I blurted out, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

  “No.” That lopsided grin spread across his face. “Think I would have been touching you the way I did if I was in a relationship?”

  The comment, so open and sincere, relaxed some of the nerves that had just flared up, but now a whole new crop took their place.

  While I was trying not to fidget, he angled his head toward his apartment and said, “Why don’t you come inside? It’s freezing out.”

  I stepped inside and stood in the middle of the floor with my hands buried in the pockets of my sturdy, plain pea coat. It was a boring affair, but warm. I didn’t have any sort of cold weather apparel that was pretty. I’d never needed it. But now I felt even more self-conscious as I stood there, huddled in front of him, hiding under an inch of wool.

  So, stop hiding, a small voice said.

  Slowly, I peeled the coat off, turning away from him so I wouldn’t see his face when he took in what I was wearing.

  It’s
not like you’re here in a garter belt. It’s jeans and a sweater.

  But when I turned back to him, he was staring at me with speculation. Eyes hooded, they roamed over me, and I felt everywhere his gaze touched. “You look awfully pretty, Raye,” he murmured. Then he shook his head. “But I don’t think those clothes are any good for practicing in.”

  “I’m not here to practice,” I said softly. I bit my lip, then slowly took a step toward him. “I want to ask you something. If you want to say no, it’s no big deal, but…”

  Oh, shit. Was I actually doing this?

  His gaze slid up and locked with mine.

  He’d moved closer. When had he moved closer?

  I didn’t remember him so much as taking a step but suddenly we were only about a foot apart, and I didn’t think I had moved that close to him.

  “What do you want to ask me, Raye? I’ll do it, if I can.”

  My breathing hitched. It seemed like all the air had been sucked out of the room. That would explain why I was having such a hard time drawing oxygen into my lungs. “I…um…well, after the other night…”

  He cocked his head, his expression unreadable.

  But something hot flared in his eyes.

  The words trapped in my throat again.

  How did I say this?

  While I was struggling for words, Kane clearly didn’t have any such trouble. “What about the other night?”

  “I…um…” You keep saying that! Frustrated with myself, I forced the words out. “I have issues. With sex. You probably noticed.”

  “Raye…” The grin on his face took on a decidedly intimate twist. “What I noticed was that I had a hot, nearly naked woman in my bed who was letting me touch her. Then she wanted to touch me. And I enjoyed every damn second of it.”

  Blood rushed to my cheeks, heating my face. “That’s…um, I enjoyed it, too. That’s why I wanted to ask you…will you have sex with me?” I all but threw the words at him, then backpedaled away as he lifted a hand. I didn’t want him touching me right now. I was strung so tight, I felt like I might shatter.