Pumpkin Spice

by James Rasile

  “I shall be alright on my own, thank you.”

  “No worries, but if you ever feel unsafe you know where I be.” And with that Barnabas walked Penelope to his front do and showed her out.

  As time went on Barnabas showed more and more care and heart towards Penelope, he did his best to not make any haste advances towards her. He needed her to feel safe with him. He donated money to her and her family, he assisted on searches for Reuben. Barnabas even had “missing” posters made up, and had Bo and Billy post them all around town. Even though they had known the truth about Reuben, they agreed to play along. Soon the township of Hastings would belong to the Barabbas boys. Bo liked the idea of changing the name from Hastings to Barabbas. Barnabas did not share this sentiment.

  As time went on Barnabas dedicated a lot of his earnings and time to Penelope, he was a part of her life so much that she eventually began to develop feelings for the eldest Barabbas, something she was not expecting. She agreed to dine with him from time to time, and considered introducing him to her parents. He, of course, told her not to rush things and take them slow, let them progress naturally. He treated her like a queen and was always more than kind to her and her parents when they finally did meet.

  Turned out he was too kind. Taking his time with the relationship meant she had more time to herself in her house. As things began to get serious with Barnabas that’s when it happened. That’s when the truth was discovered. One evening Penelope was cleaning her house, removing all that was left of Reuben’s belongings. The name itself would make her sick. She was disgusted that she could ever fall for someone so vile, someone that would leave her over something as petty as money! She looked over at the dresser they both shared. It reminded her of Reuben. She emptied the remaining drawers of his belongings, and beginning with the third drawer down, she ripped it from the dresser! Then the second! Then the first… no, wait. The first drawer was stuck. She tried and tried to no avail. She grabbed a screwdriver, and lodged it in. Finally, the drawer came loose. As she removed the drawer something came with it. A piece of paper. Sealed and stamped by Reuben. She was curious to say the least, but she had no intention of reading what was in there. Who was it even meant for? For all she knew Reuben had a mistress and that’s where he left with all of his newfound earnings. She ripped the envelope in half and tossed in in her trash bin.

  The rest of the day and night the pieces of the letter stared at Penelope; she could feel it watching her. Reluctantly she picked it up. If Reuben did have a mistress and this letter confirmed it, she had a right to know. And so, she picked both halves of the letter up, held them together and read.

  Billy tossed his brother Bo a log. Bo lifted his ax and swung down and sliced it into two. He tossed it on a pile of logs. Billy and Bo did this several more times before Penelope arrived. “What’s she doing here?” Bo asked, Billy told him to forget her and concentrate on the logs, “It’ll be winter soon, Bo. We need this to keep warm.” Bo reluctantly continued chopping wood.

  Penelope stormed into Barnabas’ office. There was Cassidy hovering over his brother-in-law’s shoulder as always. “Penelope, come in, come in.” Barnabas greeted his new “girl” with a smile and open arms. She was not in the mood. “Please, have a seat” He remained his typical calm self. “No thank you!” She was furious. “I know what you’ve done.” She stared Barnabas directly into the eyes. “What I done?” He was confused. “I know you had Reuben, my husband, travel through them Kobold woods for you.” Barnabas didn’t speak, Cassidy remained silent as well and looked down at his brother-in-law. “He was delivering a parcel for you and the goblin of them woods took him. I know the truth. Reuben weren’t no runway! He was hunted and killed by the goblin of the woods.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out Reuben’s letter. “I have proof!” She flung the paper at Barnabas. Cassidy picked it up, placed both copies together and read it aloud. The note was the same two halves Penelope had read, minus a bottom piece on the left side. Barnabas stood and sat at the edge of his table. “Alright then, Penelope. You’re right. He did travel them woods. As do I, and as do my brothers. We’re all safe. Only one who ain’t been accounted for is your former husband.”

  “I want you to find him.” Barnabas placed a finger in his ear and cleaned out the wax, “Come again, now?” Penelope’s tone grew more firm, “Go in them woods and bring my husband out.” Penelope reached into her pocket again and pulled out a satchel, “I’ll pay you.” Barnabas took the satchel and handed it over to Cassidy who counted it. “I don’t want your money, Penelope. We’ll help you. First thing tomorrow. Because I care about ye.” Penelope got up and left the office. Cassidy looked at his brother-in-law, “You aint gonna find no body.”

  “No shit, I know that.”

  “Then what are you gunna do?” Cassidy was concerned. “I’ll think of something. You’ll stay here, me and the boys’ll get in them woods. Anything happens while we’re gone you know what to do.” Cassidy nodded.

  The Barabbas boys waited at the western entrance of Kobold Woods by the birch tree. Penelope was the last to arrive. While the brothers waited, Barnabas reminded them of their endgame, this was not about the moment, or Reuben, it was about Penelope regaining their trust. The Tatum land was essential to the Barabbas boy’s takeover of Hastings.

  “Morning Penelope, I trust you slept well?” Billy asked with a wide-eyed school boy optimism. “Are you shitting me Billy? I didn’t get hardly no sleep.” She turned her attention to Barnabas, “We ready to do this.” Barnabas tilted his hat, “We are. We wanna make sure you’re good.”

  “I’m good. Let’s go.” And without giving it another thought Penelope marched into the woods.

  Six miles from one end to the other. Reuben did it dozens of times, Barnabas hundreds. Penelope was in awe of it all, while she had always been skeptical of the goblin within these woods, she could not deny how eerie it felt being in there. The trees were staring down at her like a fist over an apple. Even the birds sounded mutated. Still, no sign of a goblin. “Where to Barnabas?” She asked. “Keep on going straight, no sidetracking.” Bo said out of turn. “If Reuben got lost wouldn’t you think he was sidetracking?” Billy innocently asked. Bo was not impressed with his little brothers questioning. “Too dangerous to go off track, what with the goblin and all. Reuben was stupid but he won’t no dummy.” Bo replied to his brother. “We’re gonna continue on going where we’re going. If we don’t find anything to suggest Reuben is here, we will stop to discuss our next course of action.” Penelope stopped walking and turned back to Barnabas, “The only course of action is finding Reuben. Or… or what’s left of his soul. I will not return without an answer.”

  “My love,” Barnabas placed both of his hands-on Penelope’s shoulders, “If we do not discover a trace of Reuben by nightfall you must come to terms with the reality that maybe he did take off with the money. That he is living a better life somewheres.” He let her go. She didn’t like what Barnabas was saying, but was coming to the realization that he had a point. “Let’s move on.” Barnabas stated, “Wait.” Penelope interjected, “I have to go to the bathroom.” The three Barabbas boys said nothing, just stared at her. “Where should I go?”

  “It’s the woods, piss anywhere you like.” Bo shouted. “I’m a lady.” Bo shrugged, “Behind the trees over there yonder. Go there.” Barnabas didn’t make eye contact. “Billy, escort Penelope over there. Keep her safe.” Billy nodded and walked down the woods with Penelope. A large boulder laid in the middle of their path. “I’ll go behind there. No peaking.” She joked to Billy. “I wouldn’t dare ma’am. You are my brother’s gal after all.” Penelope smiled, “Yes I am.” Penelope hid behind the rock. Billy stayed and waited for her to finish.

  As Penelope did her business both Bo and Barnabas stood waiting. Bo reached into his pouch and pulled out a bottle of rum, he took a swig and offered it to his brother. “No.” Barnabas declined the drink. “This is ludicrous, Barnabas!” Bo was getting frustrate
d. “We both know what happened to Reuben. We need to make her see he ain’t coming back!” Barnabas shoved his brother. “I don’t know why it is you wanna get it on with this girl and her family, Barnabas, we can own this town without owning the land.” Bo’s voice was growing louder as he spoke, the alcohol was taking effect. Barnabas raised a finger to his brother’s lips, “You hear that?” Barnabas asked, “I don’t hear shit.”

  “Exactly. It’s quiet.” Barnabas could sense something was off. “Billy?!” he shouted “Billy! Penelope!” He raced down the woods looking for his brother and his lady. The woods were empty. Not a sound either. No birds, no crickets, no wind. He took a look back at his brother, Bo. No one was there. He looked to his right, nothing but wilderness. He looked up and saw the mouths of the treetops glaring down at him. He pulled his compass out of his pocket. Cracked. He squeezed down on it and shattered it before tossing it on the ground by his feet. “Bo! Billy! Penelope!” He called out with a vicious roar.

  Elsewhere in the woods Bo gripped his ax firmly in his right hand. His cigarette had been burning for who knows how long. Time made no sense to him anymore. Kobold woods would do that to you if you strayed from the path. He turned left. He turned right. He got the eerie sense he was not alone. Once again, he tightened the grip on his ax.

  Useless!

  He felt a slash at his Achilles. His body hit the ground with a monstrous thud. He dragged himself forward in pain, hoping to rest against a tree trunk. A stabbing pain rushed through his back, not once, not twice, but three thrusts with a dagger. He turned his bloody body over. The sun was shining brightly over top of him. He could barely make out his attacker. But there, standing above him was the silhouette of the goblin of the woods.

  Barnabas reached into his jacket and pulled out a pistol. He was walking slower than normal. People like Barnabas aren’t used to falling prey. “If anyone’s out there show yourself!” He demanded, and with that he could see his brother Billy. He was lying behind a tree just ahead. “Billy!” Barnabas ran up to his youngest brother but when he got there all he saw were Billy’s shoes, legs and a torso. The head chopped off. Barnabas covered his mouth in shock and took a step back. He tripped over a rock and fell to the ground. When he turned to look, he discovered it was no rock at all, but the head of his other brother Bo.

  Barnabas could barely breathe. He got up and turned around. There he saw staring directly at him with a shotgun pointed at his face was Penelope Burrows. “Penelope!” He screeched with surprise, “Thank god you’re alright. Thank the lord.”

  “There is no lord to thank, Barnabas. Only me.” She pumped the shotgun. Barnabas plead innocence. Penelope shot the ground at his feet and told him what she knew. She didn’t let Cassidy read the entirety of the letter, only the portion she wanted him to know. She knew what the Barabbas boys were doing, and she knew Barnabas had Reuben killed. Why? She didn’t quite know, but she had a sinking suspicion it had to do with her and her family’s land. She informed Barnabas that he wasn’t the only one after the property. She shot at Barnabas’ feet once again. He smiled this time. There was no more fooling the girl, “What’re you gonna do?” He spoke through his yellow-rotting teeth, “Kill me?” Surely, he didn’t believe she had the guts. “I’m not going to kill you. I’m going to watch you take trial. I want to see you behind bars.” Barnabas nodded. “You’re not always right, lady.”

  “I’m righter than I am wrong, I got the proof about that.”

  Barnabas cackled. “Very well then.” He raised his arms, “Take me in.” Penelope lowered her weapon.

  “You were right about one thing, Penelope, Reuben was hunted and killed by the goblin in the woods. The Barabbas boys, we’re the goblin.” Just before he could turn to walk Penelope responded, “No, Barnabas.” She stared him dead in the eye, “I’m the Goblin of the Woods.” And with that Penelope fired her shotgun. Barnabas’ head exploded into a thousand pieces, covering the widow and the woods with his blood and brains.

  Back at the Barabbas Boys office Cassidy stood at the table speaking with potential clients when the door burst open. Penelope, covered in the blood and brains of Barnabas, entered holding a shotgun. Without saying a word, she pulled the trigger and shot Cassidy dead. His body fell on the floor behind the table. Penelope looked at the potential clients, “Sorry about that.” She walked to the table and took a seat, “Now, let’s talk business.” She leaned back in her chair and crossed her feet atop the table.

  TRANSYLVANIA LOVE CONNECTION

  The full moon always shone bright over Transylvania High, no matter the time of day. This is not the land of men and women; this is the land of monsters. As the school day was beginning this late October morning Dracula, who had not yet earned the moniker of “Count,” walked the halls. He waved to his zombie friends he knew from gym class and blushed at the witches from the Wicca club. He was a confident young vampire who was excited for what his future would bring. His first period class was Occult 101 taught by Professor Van Helsing. He sat beside his best friend Frankenstein’s Monster, who was not the brightest, and as far as Dracula was concerned would be flunking out of high school had it not be for him. None of that mattered, the two had been friends since Frankie was brought to life by Dr. Frankenstein fifteen moons ago. Both the monster and the vampire enjoyed Van Helsing’s teachings; however, Dracula couldn’t help but feel a certain sense of unease around the professor.

  After class Dracula and Frankie would mingle at their locker. On this particular day they had a topic to discuss, one that would change the course of their future. As Dracula was checking out the witches from Wicca club, he noticed a mummy and a skeleton hanging a banner in the hallway. He stepped aside and read:

  “7th Annual Hallowe’en Dance. Come in Costume or Come As You Are.”

  He grabbed Frankie, “You read that Frankie?” Frankenstein’s Monster looked at the banner, “Dracula, you know I can’t read.” Dracula’s eyes shot open, “It’s a dance Frankie! The Hallowe’en dance! I completely forgot about it. This is your chance.” Frankenstein’s monster was confused, “Your chance at BOF!” Dracula was getting excited. It was common knowledge throughout Transylvania High that Frankenstein’s Monster had a crush on Bride of Frankenstein, or BOF as Dracula called her. She was brought to life a year after Frankie by the same mad scientist for the purpose of being wed to the initial monster. Frankie was quite literally brainless and could never grasp this. Instead he walked the high school halls terrified to speak to Bride of Frankenstein. “I dunno Drac’s. Every time I see her, I get butterflies.” Dracula opened the monster’s jacket, “Those aren’t butterflies, Frankie, they’re moths.” Several moths flew out of his old jacket.

  Such a hilarious joke.

  What made matters worse was Frankenstein’s monster’s skin was a sharp green, but BOF was a pale cream colour. He thought the site of them together would clash.

  The entire school was well aware of his affection for the girl who would become his future bride, everyone except both Frankie and BOF. Both were clueless to this. Now was his chance! He would ask her out to the dance and she would accept, and that would be the beginning of their happily ever after. That was what Dracula envisioned, he was always the hopeless romantic. Dracula wrapped his arms around Frankie and smiled, his two large front fangs slid down his chin. “She has to say yes, Frankie!” Dracula suggested. “I dunno, Dracs. How can you be so sure?” Dracula fixed his collar. “Well for starters her name is ‘Bride of Frankenstein’ she was literally made for you.” The monster was still not convinced, “Tell you what! I will be your wingman!” Dracula reached out raising his cape above his head to simulate wings. Frankie reluctantly agreed. Dracula fist pumped. As I said previously, Dracula was a hopeless romantic.

  Dracula guided his monstrous friend down the high school hallway, teaching him everything he knew about women. Which, was not much. “You walk up from behind and using your top two fangs you chow down on their neck!” Frankie didn’t know if th
at worked for everyone or just vampires, but he stored it in his empty head.

  There she was. BOF, Bride of Frankenstein. She wore a white dress, her face a pale cream, and her hair was long, erect and pitch black with white lightning stripes on each side. Frankenstein’s heart sank. Dracula picked it up and placed it into his reanimated friend’s chest. Dracula began massaging Frankie’s shoulders relaying words of encouragement. Just as Frankie was about to speak with Bride of Frankenstein lightning struck the school! The Wolfman and his crew had arrived. Michael J. Wolf was the star athlete of Transylvania High. All of the witches in Wicca club wanted him, and all the swamp things on the water polo team wanted to be him. He was the envy of the school to everyone but Dracula and Frankie.