Fer-De-Lance

by Rex Stout

  I was pretending to blink at the light. “Don’t tell me,” I said. “Do you think Ben Cook’s reputation stops at Bronx Park?”

  Derwin went stern on me. Lord, it was funny. He even went so far as to shake a finger at me. “Goodwin, I’ve been pretty busy for half an hour, and now I’m ready to tell you what comes next. You’ll tell us what you know, if anything, while we’re waiting for Wolfe. What reason have you-”

  I hated to interrupt the show, but I couldn’t help it. It was involuntary. “Waiting for Wolfe? Here?”

  “Certainly, here. If he knows what’s good for him, and I think I made that plain on the telephone.”

  I didn’t laugh. I just said, “Listen, Mr. Derwin. This is one of your bad days. You never had a chance at so many rotten bets in your life. Nero Wolfe is about as apt to come here as I am to tell you who killed Barstow.”

  “Yeah?” It was Ben Cook. “You’ll tell us plenty. Plenty.”

  “Maybe. But I won’t tell you who killed Barstow, because I don’t know. Now if you want to ask about roads, for instance-”

  “Cut it out.” Derwin got sterner. “Goodwin, you have made a most startling accusation in a most sensational manner. I won’t pretend that I have a lot of questions ready for you, because I obviously have nothing to base them on. I have just one question, and I want a prompt and complete answer. For what reason and for what purpose did your employer send you here today?”

  I sighed and looked solemn. “I’ve told you, Mr. Derwin, to get a bet down.”

  “Come on, act as if you had some sense. You can’t get away with that, you know damn well you can’t. Come on. Let’s hear it.”

  Ben Cook said, “Don’t try to be bright. You’d be surprised how we treat bright boys up here sometimes.”

  I could have kept it going all night, I suppose, if I had wanted to, but time was passing and they gave me a pain. I said, “Listen a minute, gentlemen. Of course you’re peeved and that’s too bad, but I can’t help it. Let’s say I tell you to go to hell and get up and walk out, what are you going to do-? Yes, Chief, I know it’s only a short distance to the station, but I’m not going that way. Honest, you’re acting like a pair of dumb flatfeet. I’m surprised at you, Mr. Derwin. Nero Wolfe offers to let you in right at the beginning of a big thing, and the first thing you do is spill it to Ben Cook and the next is to drive me to take it away from both of you and toss it to the wolves. You can’t touch me, don’t be silly. Nero Wolfe would love a suit for false arrest, and I never go to police stations except to visit friends unless you can show me a warrant, and think how funny it would be after the reporters got my story and then the proof followed of Barstow’s murder. As a matter of fact, I’m beginning to get a little bit sore and I’ve got half a mind to demand that check back and walk out on you. Get this: I’ll tell you exactly nothing. You understand that maybe? Now you can give me that check or talk sense yourself.”

  Derwin sat with his arms folded and looked at me without making any effort to open his mouth. Ben Cook said, “So you’ve come out to the country to show the hayseeds how it’s done. Sonny, I’m plenty big enough to take you to the station with nothing at all but the inclination. That’s all I need.”

  “You can afford to be breezy,” I told him. “Derwin has handed you a firecracker that he might have to set off himself, and you know it.” I turned to Derwin. “Who did you telephone to in New York? Headquarters?”

  “No. The District Attorney.”

  “Did you get him?”

  Derwin unfolded his arms, pulled himself back in his chair and looked at me helplessly. “I got Morley.”

  I nodded. “Dick Morley. What did he tell you?”

  He told me that if Nero Wolfe was offering to bet ten thousand dollars on anything whatever he would appreciate it if I’d take him on for another thousand, only he would give me ten to one.”

  I was too sore to grin. I said, “And still you invite me in here to tea instead of getting a spade and beating it to Agawalk Cemetery. I repeat that I’ll tell you nothing and Wolfe will tell you nothing, but if ever you had a sure thing to go on it’s right now. The next thing to do is to give me back that check, and then what?”

  Derwin let out a sigh and cleared his throat, but he had to clear it again. “Goodwin,” he said, “I’ll be frank with you. I’m out of my depth. That’s not for publication, Ben, but it’s a fact anyhow. I’m clear out of my depth. Good Lord, don’t you know what it would mean-an exhumation and autopsy on Peter Oliver Barstow?”

  I put in, “Rot. Any of a dozen excuses is enough.”

  “Well, maybe I’m not good at excuses. Anyway, I know that family. I can’t do it. I’ve telephoned Anderson at Lake Placid and couldn’t get him. I’ll have him before six o’clock, before seven sure. He can take a sleeper and be here tomorrow morning. He can decide it then.”

  “That lets today out,” I said.

  “Yes. Not a chance. I won’t do it.”

  “All right.” I got up. “I’ll go down to the corner and phone Wolfe and see if he’ll wait that long, and if he says okay I’ll head south away from the hayseeds. I might as well have that check.”

  Derwin took it from his pocket and handed it to me.

  I grinned at Ben Cook. “Shall I give you a lift as far as the station, Chief?”

  “Run along, sonny, run along.”

  CHAPTER 5

  Wolfe was as nice as pie that evening. I got home in time to eat dinner with him. He wouldn’t let me say anything about White Plains until the meal was over; in fact, there wasn’t any conversation to speak of about anything, for he had the radio going. He was accustomed to say that this was the perfect era for the sedentary man; formerly such a man could satisfy any amount of curiosity regarding bygone times by sitting down with Gibbon or Ranke or Tacitus or Greene but if he wanted to meet his contemporaries he had to take to the highways, whereas the man of today, tiring for the moment of Galba or Vitellius, had only to turn on the radio and resume his chair. One program Wolfe rarely missed was the Joy Boys. I never knew why. He would side with his fingers interlaced on his belly, his eyes half-closed, and his mouth screwed up as if there was something in it he would spit out any minute. Frequently I went for a walk at that time, but of course when dinner was a little early so that it came then I was caught. I have my radio favorites all right, but the Joy Boys seem to me pretty damn vulgar.

  In the office after dinner it didn’t take me long to report. I hated apologizing to Wolfe because he was so invariably nice about it; he always took it for granted that I had done everything possible and that there was nothing to criticize but the contrariety of the environment, as he put it. He made no comments and didn’t seem much interested in the report or the apology either. I tried to get him started, tried for instance to find out if he had really had some sort of wild idea that I might kid a District Attorney into covering a bet of ten thousand dollars just like that, but he only stayed nice and quiet. I asked him if he thought it likely that I could have taken any line at all that would have persuaded Derwin to start the digging that afternoon. He said probably not.

  “Frogs don’t fly.” He was sitting at his desk examining with a magnifying glass the rostellum from a Cymbidium Alexanderi that Horstmann had brought down wilty on the stem. “He would have needed a touch of imagination, just a touch, but I would judge from your description that he lacks it. I beg you not to reproach yourself. This affair may prove unprofitable in the end. With Fletcher M. Anderson it might have been different. He is a rich man with professional ambitions, and no fool. He might easily have reflected that if a quiet and unadvertised autopsy proved me wrong he would win ten thousand dollars; if it proved me right he would have to pay me, but he would get a remarkable and sensational case in return, and he might also infer that having pocketed his money I would have further information to be placed at his disposal. Your errand at White Plains was in essence a primitive business enterprise: an offer to exchange something for something else. If Mr. Ander
son had only been there he would probably have seen it so. It may yet materialize; it is still worth some small effort. I believe though it is getting ready to rain.”

  “What are you doing now, changing the subject?” I stuck to the chair near his desk, though I saw that I was being regarded as a mild nuisance, for I had some questions to ask. “It was clouding up as I came in. Is it going to rain all over your clues?”

  He was placid, still bent over the magnifying glass. “Some day, Archie, when I decide you are no longer worth tolerating, you will have to marry a woman of very modest mental capacity to get an appropriate audience for your wretched sarcasms. When I mentioned the rain I had your own convenience and comfort in mind. This afternoon it struck me as desirable that you should visit Sullivan Street, but tomorrow will do as well.”

  It was hard to believe unless you were as well acquainted with him as I was; I knew that he was really serious, he thought that leaving the house at any time was an unpleasant venture, but to go out in the rain was next to foolhardy. I said, “What do you think I am, the Chinese army? Of course I’ll go. That was one of my questions. Why do you suppose Anna Fiore closed up so hard on O’Grady? Because he wasn’t all grace and charm like you and me?”

  “Likely. Excellent conjecture, Archie. The more so because when I sent Panzer for her today she confessed only reluctantly to her name and she would not budge. So your grace and charm will be needed. If it would be convenient have her here in the morning at eleven. It’s not of great importance but can do no harm for passing the time, and such stubbornness deserves a siege.”

  “I’ll go get her now.”

  “No. Really. Tomorrow. Sit down. I would prefer to have you here, idle and useless, while I purposelessly inspect this futile flower. Futile and sterile apparently. As I have remarked before, to have you with me like this is always refreshing because it constantly reminds me how distressing it would be to have someone presenta wife, for instance-whom I could not dismiss at will.”

  “Yes, sir.” I grinned. “Go on with the rest of it.”

  “Not just now. Not with the rain falling. I dislike it.”

  “All right, then tell me a few things. How did you know Carlo Maffei had been murdered? How do you know Barstow was poisoned? How do you know he’s got a needle in him? Of course I see how it got there since you had the boy from Corliss Holmes show us, but how did you get that far?”

  Wolfe laid down his magnifying glass and sighed. I knew I was making him uncomfortable, but aside from curiosity it was a matter of business. He never seemed to realize that while it was all very well for me to feel in my bones that he would never get us committed to a mistake, I could do my part with a little more intelligence if I knew what was making the wheels go round. I don’t believe he ever would have opened up once, on any case big or little, if I hadn’t kept nudging him.

  He sighed. “Must I again remind you, Archie, of the reaction you would have got if you had asked Velasquez to explain why Aesop’s hand was resting inside his robe instead of hanging by his side? Must I again demonstrate that while it is permissible to request the scientist to lead you back over his footprints, a similar request of the artist is nonsense, since he, like the lark or the eagle, has made none? Do you need to be told again that I am an artist?”

  “No, sir. All I need to be told is how you knew Barstow was poisoned.”

  He took up the magnifying glass. I sat and waited, lighting another cigarette. I had finished it, and had about decided to go to the front room for a book or magazine, when he spoke.

  “Carlo Maffei is gone. Common enough, beaten and robbed probably, until the telephone call and the advertisement. The telephone call as a whole does not lack interest, but it is the threat, I’m not the one to be scared, that has significance. The advertisement adds a specification; to that point Maffei has been this and that, he now becomes also a man who may have made something intricate and difficult that would work. The word mechanism made that a good advertisement, but it also offered magnificent suggestions to an inquiring mind. Then, quite by accident just as the creation of life was an accident, Maffei becomes something else: a man who clipped the Barstow news from the paper on the morning of his disappearance. So, read the Barstow news again and find the aspect of it that closely concerned Carlo Maffei. An obscure Italian metal-worker immigrant; a famous learned wealthy university president. Still there must be a connection, and the incongruity of the elements would make it only the more plain if it was visible at all. There is the article; find the link if it is there; stop every word and give it passage only if its innocence is sure. But little effort is required; the link is so obvious that it is at once apparent. At the moment of, and for some time immediately preceding, his collapse, Barstow had in his hands and was using not one, but an entire assortment, of instruments which if they were not intricate and difficult mechanisms were admirably adapted to such a use. It was a perfectly composed picture. But while it needed no justification, nothing indeed but contemplation, as a work of art, if it were to be put to practical uses a little fixative would help. So I merely asked Miss Fiore if she had ever seen a golf club in Maffei’s room. The result was gratifying.”

  “All right,” I said. “But what if the girl had just looked and said no, she never saw one anywhere?”

  “I have told you before, Archie, that even for your amusement I shall not advise replies to hypothetical questions.”

  “Sure, that’s an easy out.”

  Wolfe shook his head regretfully. “To reply is to admit the validity of your jargon, but I have learned not to expect better of you. How the devil do I know what I would have done if anything? Probably bade her good night. Would I have found varnish for my picture elsewhere? Maybe; maybe not. Shall I ask you how you would have seen to eat if your head had been put on backwards?”

  I grinned. “I wouldn’t have starved. Neither will you; if I know anything I know that. But how did you know that Maffei had been murdered?”

  “I didn’t, until O’Grady came. You heard what I said to him. The police had searched his room. That could only be if he had been taken in a criminal act, or been murdered. The first was unlikely in the light of other facts.”

  “All right. But I’ve saved the best till the last. Who killed Barstow?”

  “Ah.” Wolfe murmured it softly. “That would be another picture, Archie, and I hope an expensive one. Expensive for the purchaser and profitable for the artist. Also, one of its characters would be a worthy subject. To continue my threadbare metaphor, we shan’t set up our easel until we are sure of the commission. Yet in point of fact that isn’t strictly true. We shall get in a spot of the background tomorrow morning if you can bring Miss Fiore here.”

  ���p���“Let me get her now. It’s only a little after nine.”

  “No-hear the rain? Tomorrow will do.”

  I knew there was no use insisting, so after a try at a couple of magazines had got me good and bored I got a raincoat from upstairs and went out for an hour at a movie. I wouldn’t have admitted to anyone else, but I did to myself, that I wasn’t any too easy in my mind. I had had the same kind of experience often before, but that didn’t make me like it any better. I did absolutely feel in my bones that Wolfe would never let us tumble into a hole without having a ladder we could climb out with, but in spite of that I had awful doubts sometimes. As long as I live I’ll never forget the time he had a bank president pinched, or rather I did, on no evidence whatever except that the fountain pen on his desk was dry. I was never so relieved in my life as I was when the guy shot himself an hour later. But there was no use trying to get Wolfe to pull up a little; I hardly ever wasted time on that any more. If I undertook to explain how easy he might be wrong he would just say, “You know a fact when you see it, Archie, but you have no feeling for phenomena.” After I had looked up the word phenomena in the dictionary I couldn’t see that he had anything, but there was no use arguing with him.

  So here I was uneasy again. I wanted to t
hink it over, so I got my raincoat and went to a movie where I could sit in the dark with something to keep my eyes on and let my mind work. It wasn’t hard to see how Wolfe had doped it out. Someone wanted to kill Barstow, call him X. He put an ad in the paper for an expert to make him something, fixing it to get someone intending to leave the country for good so if he had any curiosity later on it wouldn’t hurt him any. Maffei answered the ad and got the job, namely to make an arrangement inside a golf club so that when the inset on the face hit a ball it would release a trigger and shoot a needle out of the handle at the other end. Probably X presented it as a trial of skill for the European commission to follow; but he gave the Italian so much money for doing it that Maffei decided not to go back home after all. Anyhow, X proceeded to use the club for its calculated purpose, putting it in Barstow’s bag (it had of course been made identical in appearance with Barstow’s own driver). Then Maffei happened to read Monday’s Times and put two and two together, which wasn’t strange considering the odd affair he had been paid to construct. X had telephoned; Maffei had met him, made him a present of his suspicions, and tried blackmail. That started an argument. X didn’t wait this time for an expert design and mechanism, he just used a knife, leaving it in Maffei’s back to keep from soiling the upholstery of the car. He then drove around the Westchester hills until he found a secluded spot, put the body in a thicket and pulled out the knife and later tossed it into a handy stream or reservoir. Arriving home at a decent hour, he had a drink or two before going to bed, and when he got up in the morning put on a cutaway instead of a business suit because he was going to his friend Barstow’s funeral.

  Of course that was Wolfe’s picture, and it was a lulu, but what I figured as I sat in the movie was this, that though it used all the facts without any stretching, anyone could have said that much a thousand years ago when they thought the sun went around the earth. That didn’t stretch any of the facts they knew, but what about the ones they didn’t know? And here was Wolfe risking ten grand and his reputation to get Barstow dug up. Once one of Wolfe’s clients had told him he was insufferably blithe. I liked that; Wolfe had liked it too. But that didn’t keep me from reflecting that if they cut Barstow open and found only coronary thrombosis in his veins and no oddments at all in his belly, within a week everybody from the D.A. down to a Bath Beach flatfoot would be saving twenty cents by staying home and laughing at us instead of going to a movie to see Mickey Mouse. I wasn’t so dumb, I knew anyone may make a mistake, but I also knew that when a man sets himself up as cocksure as Wolfe did, he had always got to be right.